A/N: This idea had been meandering around my head for a while and I finally decided to write it out. Warnings for attempted suicide. Part II to come.
I don't own Merlin.
Gaius prepared the body for burial. Arthur stayed away; he couldn't bear to watch. He just needed to get away from all of this. Get away from his life, even if it was only for a few minutes. Get away from the grief and betrayal and responsibility and oh god he wasn't ready for this.
Arthur went up to the battlements, hoping the crisp night air would clear his head. To his surprise, there was a dark figure standing on the edge—not next to the edge, literally on it. It took a few moments for his agitated mind to register what he was seeing. The figure was a man he had known for more than five years, and the man was about to jump off the battlements and out of Arthur's life forever.
Arthur moved faster than he'd ever moved in his life, grabbing Merlin's wrist and hauling him backwards. Merlin immediately struggled, trying to get free and complete the act. "You complete idiot, Merlin, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" Arthur cried, his voice a mixture of anger and fear.
"It's what you wanted, isn't it?" Merlin retorted, sounding both bitter and thoroughly defeated. "You said I should die for what I'd done. I figured I'd save you the trouble of an execution!"
Arthur's heart was pounding so fast he thought it might burst out of his chest, but he made an effort to speak slowly and calmly. "Merlin, I'm quite certain I never said any such thing. I've just lost my—" He swallowed. "I've just lost my father, for god's sake, the last thing I need right now is to lose you too!"
Merlin shook his head. "I'm not who you think I am," he whispered. "I've done things. Horrible things. I only wanted to help…I've only ever wanted to help…but it always goes wrong. So many people, dead. And now, my one chance to fix everything…gone. Ruined. I've ruined everything. Just let me jump, Arthur. Your kingdom will be better for it."
"No," Arthur said firmly. He managed to guide Merlin down to sit on the ground. "This—this is madness, Merlin. You're—you're just a servant, you don't hold the fate of the entire kingdom in your hands. My father didn't die because you spent another night in the tavern."
"Don't you get it, Arthur?" Merlin exclaimed, sounding frustrated. He tried to stand up, but Arthur put a restraining hand on his shoulder. "I wasn't in the tavern! I was in your father's chambers, casting the spell that killed him!"
"Don't be ridiculous," Arthur scoffed. "That old sorcerer had a good sixty years on you."
Merlin shook his head again. "Aging spell. I told you—" He choked, tears spilling out of his eyes. After a moment, he regained his composure. "I told you I wished only to show you that magic can be used for good." Arthur froze, but Merlin continued. "That I hoped, one day, you would see me in a different light. But you never will, will you. You think I'm pure evil. And you always will. And who am I to argue? I nearly let my village die, because I thought my secret was more important. I abandoned a friend in need, because a dragon told me to. I poisoned that friend, because a dragon told me to. And then I released said dragon, even though I knew he would attack the kingdom! More than a hundred people died. My father died. And then Morgana turned against us all—and why shouldn't she, after she was betrayed by the one person in Camelot who had kept her secret—and thousands more died. My mother was wrong, I am a monster. I have to end this!" Merlin pulled away from Arthur and stood up. Arthur reacted without thinking, instantly pulling Merlin back to the ground. Merlin stared at Arthur, apparently too shocked to try again.
Arthur took a few deep breaths, trying to collect his thoughts. Oddly enough, he wasn't as angry as he would have expected—the sheer terror of finding Merlin on the edge had yet to subside. He continued to keep a firm hold on Merlin as he responded. "Merlin…a man who is pure evil does not attempt to give up his own life to protect others. All the things you said…I won't deny they sound horrible, but…you said you were trying to help. Which means you must have had some reason for it all. Please, just…help me understand. Give me a reason not to lose the man I thought—the man I hope is my closest friend."