Prologue

Dear Lady Ivy,

You will not believe the amount of crap I have had to put up with here at OFUM. Since I'm one of the newer administrators, they've seemed to have assigned me all of the hard cases. You know, the girls who haven't cracked a book since they learned to read! Now, you know, I'm all about helping those less fortunate than me and I've always taken joy in working with the most troubling of students. However, OFUM simply cannot meet the needs of these atrocious writers. So, I have a proposal for you. Drag your ass out of your little flet in Mirkwood and help me start a school that would better the situation of the most remedial of our writers. Meir Bryn has informed me that their staff is also being overrun by these misfortunate few. My plan is to combine the needs of both of these groups and serve them together at one academy. After graduation, they will be sent to their respective universities. Think of us as community college… the gateway to higher learning, if you will.

Write as quickly as if your quill was on fire,

Mistress Kat

My dear Mistress Kat,

Your news is not news to me. I noticed the beginning of this trend before my sabbatical from OFUM, but I had not realized that the situation could be so dire. I would be more than happy to enter into an equal partnership with you in the founding of this academy. Shall we call it the Remedial Fanfiction Academy? It seems an appropriate appellation. Additionally, you might want to consider including the very worst and toughest cases – Twilight authors. It seems that they might not have learned to read at all! They would be best served by learning from and with potential candidates of OFUM and HFA, perhaps they might even see the error of their ways and reform to more worthy characters and plotlines.

I'll be sharpening my quills in anticipation,

Lady Ivy

LI-

Thank GOD, I finally got approval today! We even get to borrow some of the main staff from OFUM and HFA. I think I might even convince the resident sparklepyres to take on faculty positions as well! You know what this mean: fangirl stampedes! In order to keep that in check, I've rounded up some of our more atrocious plunnies. It is my hope that they will serve as effectively, if not more so, as the protectors of HFA and OFUM. You'll be happy to know that our dear friend Legolas will be heading up the LotR faculty section. Please keep your hands to yourself until such actions become consensual. I'm sure I don't need to remind you of that unfortunate "incident". I'm pretty sure Arwen and Eowyn have forgiven you by now! And anyway, the restraining order has been lifted, yay! I've decided it would be most cruel to exclude Twilight writers who so desperately need this intervention. I've taken the liberty of choosing some who I feel might have just a little drop of potential. The rest, well, they'll need their own academy. Probably one for the desperately insane.

Looking forward to terrorizing the halls with you once more,

MK

MK-

You REALLY have to bring that up? The restraining order was only a formal measure passed by a hasty and fearful staff. Once the incident cleared up, I was sure it was only going to be a matter of time. I am glad to hear that our idea has caught and been sanctioned by those most esteemed faculty coordinators. I doubt we will be able to live up to them, but we sure will have a hell of a time trying! Rounding up the plunnies is a great idea, as the Mini Aragogs from HFA would no doubt band with the Mini Balrogs from OFUM to create the worst kind of havoc imaginable, and at least the plunnies are sickeningly adorable, but not venomous. If they accept, those poor vampires have no idea what is coming to them.

See you before the start of term,

LI