This is crack, pure crack. With a plot. IT MAKES SENSE. Just read, you'll see. Oh, and enjoy!

"We shouldn't be here," Yumichika hissed, looking around his position in distaste. "There are bugs here... what if one of them gets in my hair? Ikakku!"

"Mm," the bald shinigami grunted in response. His forehead was creased in concentration as he peered from his perch on a tree limb. His eyes were focused on a window or, more specifically, the person inside.

"Why are we stalking the 3rd Division's lieutenant, anyway?" Yumichika had tagged along, as always, afraid that Ikkaku was going to get in a fight without him.

"We're not stalking..." Ikkaku told him, waving a hand.

"We're stalking," the black-haired man sighed. "Why him?"

"He's just..." Ikkaku trailed off once more and shook his head. "It's not stalking."

Annoyed with his best friend being so taken by someone, for whatever reason, Yumichika shoved a foot in his friend's side. "Well, if you're not stalking him, then go say hello." With that, he pushed the higher-ranking shinigami out of the tree.

Ikkaku landed with a thud right outside the window to Kira's office. The noise he made doing such was no doubt heard by anyone still in the division after hours. Luckily, chances are the only person who was around was Kira himself. Unfortunately, Kira did hear it and promptly opened the window, stuck his head out, and looked around.

"Erm..." The blonde finally looked down to a sprawled Ikkaku, a confused expression on his face. "Ikkaku-san, can I...help you?"

Busted. "What? No." The third seat immediately stood up and looked around. "Wait...this ain't the 11th Division!" He gave a laugh and punched the tree next to him, which still held an observant Yumichika. "Tree! Ya told me I's home!" Sighing, he shook his head and looked back to Kira. "These trees, ya think they'd know..."

"Ikkaku-san, are you...drunk?" Kira peered through the darkness to his fellow soul reaper. He didn't look drunk, but he was certainly acting the part. "Maybe you should go home and lie down."

"Home?" Ikkaku blinked. "Right! Home..." He looked left, then right, then turned back to the tree. "Which way's home?" he whispered. A rustle in the bushes somewhere out of Kira's line of vision caught Ikkaku's attention and he waved to the lieutenant. "Later, uh...blondie."

Blinking a few more times as Ikkaku raced off, Kira slowly retreated into his office and closed the window. "Weird." Then again, the 11th Division wasn't quite normal. Passing it off as a freak accident, Kira gave a small shrug and returned to his work.

"And you got a leaf in my hair, Ikkaku! A leaf!" To emphasize his point, Yumichika pointed to his perfectly-placed hair. It was the next day and the pair were heading out for a bite to eat.

"S'just a leaf," the bald man told him. "Not like it had anything creepy or crawly on it."

Yumichika's eyes got wide as the moon. "What...what if...what if there WAS? I didn't even check!"

Trying his best to ignore the screeching, Ikkaku turned a corner, slamming right into another body. The smaller figure fell to the ground and he peered down, squinting. "Oh...you."

Kira stood up and brushed himself off, looking at the two. "Ikkaku-san, are you feeling better?"

Slightly flustered, a snickering Yumichika not helping any, Ikkaku snapped. "I've got no idea what you're talking about. Shouldn't you be somewhere filling out some papers or something?"

Slightly startled, Kira frowned and bowed. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"

"And watch where you're going," Ikkaku continued. "You could have broken one of Yumichika's nails or somethin'."

"WHAT?"

Flinching slightly, not unnoticed by the third seat, Kira shook his head. "I-I didn't mean to..."

"Go," Ikkaku said, shaking his head as Kira maneuvered around him and disappeared out of sight. "That kid's still acting like that."

Calming down, Yumichika frowned a bit. "His captain has been gone for quite some time now, but it seems Kira-kun hasn't changed much." He then grinned and nudged Ikkaku's elbow with his own. "Maybe someone needs to change that."

Blinking, then scoffing, Ikkaku started walking again with Yumichika in tow. "What is that supposed to mean?"

"You know," the narcissist said, grinning, "give him a little surge of confidence."

The taller male gave his friend a perplexed look. "Part of me feels bad for him, and part of me just wants to ignore what he's going through and take him and just-"

"I do NOT need to hear that!" Yumichika announced loudly, covering his ears. "Ikkaku Madarame!"

Snickering, Ikkaku folded his arms behind his head. "Ah well, I guess I'll figure it out."

"You could always stalk him some more," Yumichika suggested.

This is why you don't want to be Ikkaku's friend. Then again, Yumichika seems well adapted, so maybe he's the man..ish...thing... for the job. Er...read on!