Inspired by 3x16 1912 – The Salvatore brothers continue their conversation and discover some insights that could change them forever.
On Redemption
Damon walked into the living room to find Stefan at the piano picking out the same tune he had been playing earlier.
"Haven't seen you at a piano in years." Damon said giving Stefan a curious look.
"Thought I'd activate our wonder twin powers and prep a duet." Stefan teased.
Damon sat beside him on the piano bench experimenting with the melody. They played for just a few moments when Stefan suddenly stopped. He stood up and paced away from the piano.
"Tell me about Monterey." Stefan began.
"You really don't remember?" Damon asked.
"It's there haunting me, but I don't know exactly what I did. " Stefan admitted with trepidation in his eyes.
"You were very erratic back then. You would go for months on that diet of yours, but then you'd lose it and each time the number of victims increased. It had been over a year since your last binge. I thought maybe you were getting a handle on it, but I was wrong." Damon hesitated for a moment, reluctant to share the story then forged ahead. "It was a remote village, maybe 200 people. There was a celebration so everyone was in the town square. They didn't really have a place to run. You showed up and within an hour they were finished."
"The children too?" Stefan asked, his eyes pleading that the answer would be no.
"Yes the children too." Damon admitted solemnly.
Stefan closed his eyes, forced his memory back and finally saw it, the little girls in their frilly white dresses, the parents cowering and protectively wrapping their arms around their children and despite the terror and screams that surrounded them whispering in their ears that everything would be okay.
Stefan stared into Damon's eyes. "I saw and heard everything, yet I didn't see or hear or feel a thing except what I wanted and all I wanted was the blood. The next morning I flipped the switch." Stefan said quietly, his eyes brimming with tears, then he suddenly collapsed to his knees, his head in his hands.
"Oh my God! Oh my God!" Stefan let out a tortured cry, "All those people." He began to sob his body wracked with the guilt, pain and sorrow of 145 years of death at his own hands.
Damon knelt beside him, one hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." he murmured endlessly.
Finally a drained and exhausted Stefan looked desperately at Damon.
"In our day one murder was usually enough to send you to the gallows. What do you do when you are responsible for hundreds?" Stefan asked. "Why am I still alive?"
"I don't know." Damon admitted. "I don't know why this was thrust upon us. I don't know why so many had to die before we got to this place."
"What if it happens again ten or a hundred or a thousand years from now? I couldn't bear that."
"It will never happen again." Damon said forcefully. "I will stake you myself. But if it's too much. If you think tomorrow will be more of the same we can end it now. I'll do it for you and I'll be right behind you."
"It is too much. I can't ever fix this. How do I atone for this?"
"We don't." Damon said. "We have to carry it with us. We find a way to honour them. We do it by allowing the ones that come after to live. You don't know how grateful I am that you found the cure for me, but I'm not worth all those lives that were lost last summer. So, promise me that if ever again, you have to choose between another person's life and my own that you will let them live. I'll do the same for you." When Stefan began to protest Damon stopped him.
"It's not whether we live or die that will save us, but what we do with the time allotted to us."
Stefan nodded. "Those lives aren't on you. I wasn't compelled. Once I knew what the cure was I could have found another way, but the beast inside me jumped at the chance to break out. It was so easy to blame Klaus and say I didn't have a choice but I was choosing all along. I let the beast out. It's on me."
"We just need to get you away from the extremes." Damon said.
"You keep harping on this moderation thing." Stefan snapped. "Isn't it just a euphemism for doing whatever Damon wants whenever he wants it?"
"It means." Damon said, placing his hands on Stefan's shoulders and giving him a gentle look of compassion. "No innocent person ever dies at your hands. Not anymore. Not ever."
"If only that could be possible." Stefan said with intense yearning.
"Oh it is." Damon said with conviction. "You just need to put yourself back together, become a whole person. The beast will never come out again because he isn't separate from you. There is no more beast. Just Stefan."
"Great. Stefan the monster."
"Have some compassion Stefan." Damon chided him.
Stefan looked shocked. "You spent the last 145 years riding me for having too much compassion, for being too human. Now it's not enough? Tell me, for whom am I lacking compassion?"
"For yourself Stefan." Damon said kindly.
Stefan blinked, completely taken aback by Damon's comment. He thought for a moment then replied bitterly.
"That's impossible."
"Sure it's possible." Damon said positively.
"So tell me how you would go about doing this." Stefan challenged him sarcastically.
"Elena taught me. She knew what I was yet she still had compassion for me. She gave me permission to have compassion for myself."
"So what were you?" Stefan asked.
"A murderer, a manipulator, a liar." Damon replied harshly, then taking a deep breath continued quietly. "A reluctant friend, a foolish, passionate and faithful lover, a hateful, rebellious and devoted brother."
"That's about right." Stefan nodded with a small smile, then bowed his head in shame. "She never knew me."
"That was your mistake." Damon said, "But she knows you now. She's seen everything you're capable of Stefan. And make no mistake about it." Damon added more forcefully. "She still loves you and is waiting for you to come to her."
"So what am I?" Stefan asked.
"You tell me." Damon prodded with a sly smile.
"One time serial killer. Obsessive compulsive overly judgemental self righteous saint. Talented dancer, kind and compassionate lover, friend and brother. Imperfect, overly emotional vampire, trying to be a good man."
"Sounds about right." Damon grinned clapping a hand on Stefan's shoulder.
Stefan looked at Damon in admiration. "When did you become so wise?"
Damon tossed Stefan a lopsided grin. "I'm the Grinch whose heart grew three sizes this year, but you my brother have always had a heart big enough for both of us."
Stefan gave Damon an intense look of gratitude then headed back toward the piano. "Let's rock that duet." He said, finally giving Damon a smile.