A/N Just a one shot I thought of the other night. Set after ATMBISBM. Inspired by thongs.
Introduction:
Not even Baby J, and Buddha, and all the other all-knowing religious beings could've prepared me for the weekend I'm going to be sharing with my now long-time boyfriend Dave. It comes with great embarrassment that I share the tale of what led up to one of the most embarrassing moments of my life. It also led to one of the best snogs (and more activities with the mouth (oo-er quite literally)) that I've had in my entire life.
Saturday
12 pm
Phone with Jas
"I don't know how anybody wears these things," I said, snapping the thin piece of fabric that was currently making marks on my skin under my jeans.
"I dunno, Gee," Jas said in that voices she uses when she likes to pretend she knows everything. "I'm starting to think these thongs are cute."
I could tell that as she said this she was also checking out her bum.
"You kind of like them or Tom kind of likes them?" I asked.
The line got all quiet and I could only imagine she was looking for the keys to her huff mobile.
She cleared her throat as if she were going to make an important speech, which we all know she wasn't but I pretended to care as a good pal does. "The only reason you're wearing it is because you overheard the lads talking about them!"
The nerve. I would never do such a thing like eavesdrop on our chums with the trouser snake addendums. That is rude and creepy. I am neither of those things, despite what the lads said about me after they realized I was listening to their conversation.
"Go suck a beet!" I said before putting the phone back on the hook. Afterwards I patted myself on the back because that would go down as one of my better insults in the Book of Insults that I would eventually write and leave as my legacy on the world.
5 minutes later
Closet
My mom has more books than the queen about enticing boys, but they don't tell you what to do with them after. I know the queen doesn't have actual books about enticing boys as she is a queen and boys, or men, or kings just flock to her, but I feel if she needed to she would have a lot of material on the subject.
That's why I am forced to squeeze myself(my nunga-nungas) into these outfits that boys find attractive.
I've tried to watch some American movies to help provide me with advice. None of them were of the nudie variety, I swear. The thing that I've gathered from these films is that when women try to be all nice for their men, they wear some sort of lacy thing, and a trench coat. I own one of those things, the other I'm borrowing from my mutti.
I'm borrowing the coat, not the lacy thing. I don't even want to think about her wearing it for vati.
1 minute later
Closet
Oh merde. I've thought about it.
Sometimes I'm not a vair big fan of my brain. Sometimes I am. It's a complicated life that I live.
2 minutes later
In front of the mirror
If you haven't gathered by my past diaries, the boy I've enticed is Dave the Laugh. He rang me a few days ago to tell me his Olds were going out to Old Ville to do Old things this weekend. You don't need half a brain to figure out where this is going, at least I hope not. Just in case I will do the maths equation for you. No Olds, plus empty house, means I get to spend the weekend with Dave. At his house. Alone.
You can see why every time I think about this I get a little nervous sweat, right?
10 minutes later
Out the door
Just barely
I have Angus attached to the end of my coat, but other than that I'm a free woman who's off on a mysterious adventure in her trench coat.
I feel very sex-kittenish. I know Dave's always called me that, but this outfit just screams sex-kitten. I think the heeled boots my mutti let take from her closet without her knowing completes the look.
I wish these theft skills could benefit me later in life, but sadly I don't think they will.
20 minutes later
Out of breath
I don't know why I thought walking to Dave's would be a good idea. Maybe it's because I wanted to show off my mysterious look.
1 minute later
I like to think of myself as Kitten with a dash of Mystery. That is what I like to think.
2 minutes later
What I don't think is that cats sweat as much as I am right now.
1 minute later
Popped open my compact mirror to see how I looked.
30 seconds later
I didn't like how I looked
10 seconds later
Threw compact in a bush.
I will just dab my face like a lady and hope for the best.
At Dave's Front door
I'm going to knock on the door, and then when the door is opened, I will open my coat and show off my outfit like the Confident Cat that I am.
I'm taking deep calming Zen breaths in order to not pass out from nerves and exhaustion. Dave is opening the door.
Opening my trench coat thingy
Adapting coy smile for when my boyfriend sees me
"Hi Dave," I say, with a smile that doesn't bring too much focus to my nose.
10 seconds later
"Bloody hell, Gee!" Says the boy who is not my boyfriend, but the boyfriend of a good friend of mine, Jas. The boy, if you didn't gather who it was from the information listed above, is Tom.
I scream, and tie my coat back around my waist as fast as possible. At this point the rest of the lads have gathered around the door and are all patting Dave on the back and whooping. Why do they have to do the whooping thing? They should not be celebrating things. This was supposed to be a nice intimate moment between me and my boyfriend.
30 seconds later
Dave pushes his way through the gaggle of boys and I consider how much attention it would draw for me to fake a choking incident. I determine it will gather a lot more than I already have. That is not something I want.
"Hello sex kitten, come to give us a show?" He whispers into my ear with his arms around my waist.
"I most certainly am not," I say, stamping my foot.
Dave gives me a kiss on the cheek before turning back to the lads. "Alright boys, clear out," he says.
"I've got some business to attend to," he says this with that cute winking thing that he does so well.
I've never been good at winking attractively; mostly it just looks like there is something in my eye.
Once they all clear out, Dave takes my hand and brings me into his house. I have no time to admire how it is decorated because his mouth is already on mine before the door is even shut.
"I believe you have something under there for me," he purred, as he undid the belt around my trench coat.
This was going to be a good weekend.