AN: Well here I am, again inspired by a song. I thought that wouldn't happen again so soon seeing as I spouted off two song-inspired songs so quickly. This time, though, I'm more inspired by the name of the song- "Timshel" by Mumford & Sons. Curious about what timshel was, I looked it up with a little googling, and found a few websites. I have yet to read John Steinbeck's East of Eden but the essay I read online briefly mentioned it, but again, I was more interested in the word. I'll give a definition at the end of the story -please wait until then to look it up if you don't already know it! Or...don't since I can't stop any of you. Also, from the brief information I got about the book, if you perhaps see some almost-quotes from East of Eden, don't be surprised or accuse me of plagiarizing! Anyways, voila!
Also...I just reread the 6th book. Talk about putting yourself in an angsty, depressed, lonely mood. I'll probably watch the 6th movie tomorrow again, too, just to make myself feel especially great.
And...(last time sorry) is anyone else SO EXCITED for the next movie to come out? I've heard amazing reviews so far and I don't know if I can stand 3 more monthes!
It was over. The war, and life as he knew it. He was unsure of what to do with himself. Draco knew he was unwelcome in the room full of people grieving for their lost friends and family, so he stalked the halls looking for stray Death Eaters he could stun and turn in. It was the only decent thing he could think to do considering he hadn't fought at all during this final battle. It was by pure chance -and in his opinion, luck- that he saw Hermione stumbling through the hall, obviously injured and trying to make it back towards the Great Hall where her friends were waiting.
He saw, though she didn't, Crabbe Senior, sneaking up behind her with such single-minded determination as only a murderous idiot like Crabbe could have, did not notice Malfoy sprinting towards the pair. Hermione saw Malfoy flying towards her at the last second, thinking he was attacking her; she whipped around, but only to see him jumping in front of her as seconds later she registered that a curse had been shouted at her back and Draco Malfoy had just taken it straight to his chest before dropping to the floor, moaning. Her wand now drawn she quickly cast a Stupefy! at the shocked looking Crabbe before dropping to her knees and pulled the injured boy towards her, trying to soothe him as he gasped for breath.
"Thank you," she whispered, fully expecting no response back from the almost unconscious body now in her lap.
"Don't...I have a request," he breathed.
Stunned, she waited expectantly.
"Please...stay with me...I...important message for you,"
"Alright," she said, uncertainty tingeing her voice.
"I'm sorry," he said, his voice slightly stronger, but sounded pleading, aching to be believed.
"Er...what?" she muttered, thoroughly confused now. "Look, Malfoy, what's your message? I need to get you some help, quickly."
"There's...no need for that, no one can help now...but...my message, it's...from me to you...it's that I'm sorry."
"You have nothing to be sorry for!" She exclaimed. Honestly, he had just saved her life, what could he be feeling remorse about?
He sat up unsteadily, his chest aching, gasping for breath, desperate to make her understand
"I...I didn't mean to do all these terrible things, I...I just...did them."
And it hit her, he was saying goodbye, saying everything he thought he needed to say. If he hadn't just saved her life, she might have had a different reaction to his apology, might have scoffed at it because she would have questioned it's sincerity. As it was, he had just saved her life, and she was tired and weary and vulnerable and deeply thankful to be alive and very ready to soothe her savior.
"No, no, of course you didn't! They threatened your family, the only thing you hold close to you! Of course you behaved that way. Anyone-"
"No!" he gasped, as if hearing any words of atonement pained him, which they did.
"No, I've been a git my entire life, no one threatened me or my family to be like that. No one threatened me to be a bully or to be a terrible person, I could've been better, I could've tried harder. I could've been brave like other people, turned spy, or...or something."
"Malfoy...I..." she was at a loss for words. What did one say to one's dying enemy, whose last wish was to talk to her?
"I know...I know that it means nothing now, but I-I apologize for everything I've done to you, to your friends...all of it."
"Malfoy, no, it does mean something, just because you're..."
"Dying," he supplied.
"Yes, dying, well...Look, you might get through this. You might get a chance to redeem yourself, alright?" She was not just trying to soothe him now, she was desperately hoping that her words were true.
"I won't...I know it. It's nice of you to try...try and give me hope but it's useless, I just wanted someone to know, if I died, that I had regrets, God, so many. My...whole life basically. I...not that I deserve it...but I don't want people to think that I died believing I'd been right all along. Because...I've been wrong, so deeply wrong."
"You are not irredeemable!" She almost shrieked at him, shaking him lightly but stopping immediately when he winced. "No one is irredeemable! You are redeeming yourself right now! Look, last year, you could have killed Dumbledore, but you didn't, did you? You made a choice, a good choice! You are not an evil person, Malfoy, the fact that you're dying wish is to find absolution proves that!"
She was panicking. He couldn't die now, not when he was showing his true colors, being honest and kind. Would it be her responsibility to show the world this side of Malfoy? What if she failed him? She would never be able to live with herself. She tried to calm herself down. She tried to stop thinking of this as a deathly important conversation and instead revert it to what she knew. It was just her and Malfoy...er no usually they were insulting each other. It was just her and... Harry or Ron. Joking around, normal conversation.
He tried to grin but it turned into a grimace. He sunk back down and she caught him and awkwardly cradled his upper body.
"Some would say that's just me, always looking for approval."
She snorted, "Well, you've got it alright. And not killing Dumbledore, that got you anything but approval from the people you cared about, didn't it? You chose, Malfoy, you chose the right thing."
Every time she tried to forget he was dying it came back, full force. The need to give him a reprieve was so strong she was nearly drowning in it.
He closed his eyes. "Not quite though, did I? I chose to send some badly thought out murder attempts in innocent people's paths, and I helped Death Eaters get near an entire school of innocent people. I allowed Dumbledore to be killed, so even if I didn't say the curse, I did it. And even if you're right, I was still a git during school."
She wanted to shake him, but his condition stopped her. "That's neither here nor there, you didn't kill him. You were a scared little boy. Everyone makes mistakes, especially under immense pressure. Don't blame yourself for the past."
"But...even in the present, I haven't fought on the right side...I did nothing...I'm a coward."
"So what! You just saved my life, you just fought for the right side, alright? Stop this. How many times can I repeat this to you?" And she was really getting aggravated with him now. "You are NOT irredeemable, do you understand me? Harry just killed Voldemort, and he is possibly the only person that ever existed who was irredeemable, because Harry gave him the chance to feel remorse and he scoffed at it. You are lying here, spilling out your heart to me, a perfect stranger who you just saved, telling me how sorry you are for BULLYING me. Your dying and your worried if you hurt my feelings? Snap out of it! Fight, Draco, fight!"
He tried at a smirk, it was slightly less painful than the grin. "So, now we're on a first name basis, eh, Hermione?"
"I suppose when one sacrifices oneself for another that would put them there, yes."
He almost laughed but coughed up blood instead.
"Draco...what jinx did you take for me?"
"I...not sure, I've heard it used before and it...wasn't pretty. Very...very slow working one, and very...impossible to fix. Something...internal going...on." He was coughing between words and blood was spattering his face.
"I'm so, so sorry..."
"No, it's better me than you."
She looked down at his vulnerable face. "You'd think, since the fighting stopped, it would be peaceful, that people's prejudices wouldn't be so huge."
"You...think too well of people. Crabbe's dad is stupid and a bigot. He probably didn't know the Dark Lord had fallen, or if he did, he didn't think he'd get caught killing you..."
"Well, thank you, you didn't have to-"
"I did, I did have to. And you've thanked me enough. You're even...not forcing me to die alone."
And the tears Hermione had been trying to keep locked in suddenly threatened to spill out.
"Of..of course not! I could never do that to anyone!"
"And...that is precisely why you are such a good person...You...hate me, and you're holding my head in your lap..trying to make me feel better...about..all my choices."
"I-I don't hate you, I just...was not very fond of you."
He almost snorted at that but protected himself from the pain by simply spitting out, "Liar,"
She smiled a bit at him, "No, I hated those...those choices you keep rambling about. I hated them. How could I hate someone I don't know? Everyone has a story, I didn't, I don't know yours, I had no right to hate you."
"I...wish I had your logic back then."
"Well, you've gained it now, that's all that matters!"
The light in his eyes was fading more quickly now, but his voice seemed stronger somehow. It was faint, but he wasn't pausing so much between breaths and words.
"I also want you to know, I never hated you either. I was so mean to you because I was jealous."
"Jealous?"
"Of how smart you are, of how much your friends loved you, of...of how much you loved your friends and not me."
She was too stunned for words.
Then suddenly he sat up a bit. "Do you forgive me?"
"Yes, yes! Of course I do! With all you've told me...how could I not? They were just bad choices, Draco...that's all."
He lowered his head and closed his eyes for a second before opening them and staring straight up at Hermione.
"But...our choices are what make us who we are, after all."
She shook her head slightly. "That can be argued with, but nonetheless, I forgive you, Draco, completely. I forgive you."
He smiled serenely at the sweet use of his first name again.
He still held her gaze as he told her with his last breath,
"That's good, I've wished to hear that forever, because...I've always loved you, Hermione."
And with that, the last light left his eyes and he gazed up at her with a glossy unseeing expression.
The tears Hermione had been fighting finally spilled out. She looked up at the high ceiling, openly sobbing, and then back down at the dead boy in her arms.
She sent up a silent prayer to whoever was listening that his final words would serve as a real absolution for all the terrible things he seemed to think were so unforgiveable. For though when she'd spoken them she'd only hastily said it to ease his wearied mind, she now knew that they were true: she truly forgave him. They were just kids, she had been taught differently than he, and they were just young kids trying to navigate their way through life. They had both stumbled, and he had only been a bit more lost than she had, because the map he'd been given wasn't as straightforward as hers had been. He had made the only choice that had truly mattered anyways, he had sacrificed himself selflessly for another person, and she silently prayed that this would cancel out anything he had ever done. Because he chose to save her, because she chose to forgive him, and goddammit wasn't that what it was all about?
AN: Timshel means "Thou mayest rule over it." It's a Hebrew word and it's from the Bible. In Genesis in the story of Cain and Abel God is talking to Cain (before he kills his brother) and says to him "Surely, if you do right, there is uplift. But if you do not do right, sin couches at the door. Its urge is toward you, but you can rule over it. It's translated many different ways but Steinbeck's book, East of Eden, is all about how it is interpreted as "Thou mayest rule over it." Which according to Steinbeck "if 'Thou mayest'-it is also true that 'Thou mayest not.'" (p.349).