Disclaimer: I can pray and beg and plead and write to the producers and lawyers all I want to, but I do not, and never will own Kingdom Hearts or its characters. That's probably for the best, anyway. I've also borrowed some lines from the song 'The Twelve Pains of Christmas.' If you've heard the song, you'll know which lines I'm talking about.
Warnings: This fic is a work of fiction, and is made up of pure insanity. The following acts of insanity include but are not limited to:
Yaoi (and lots of it)
OOC-ness (again, there's lots of it)
Bad language
Excessive and over-use of the CAPS LOCK button (I'm warning you, there's A LOT of it, and I did this because I felt that it added to the humor. I could, however, be wrong. Depending on the reviews, I may go back and change this.)
Evil lawn gnomes
Evil dryers
Horny reindeer
Some-what graphic details of the female menstruation cycle
Disturbing misuses of the Christmas turkey
Emo!Sora
Groping
Nuclear-powered leaf-blower rampages
Nudity
…and a bunch of other stuff. If you have problems with any of the above mentioned acts of insanity, then I suggest that you hit the back button right now. Remember, nobody is forcing you to read this! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
PAIRINGS: Zemyx, AkuRoku, SaixXemnas, one-sided LarxeneMarluxia, one-sided XigbarDemyx, one-sided MarluxiaNaminé, hinted VexenLexaeus, implied SoraRiku, hints of past (one-sided) XemnasDemyx, LeonCloud, DonaldGoofy (be afraid—be VERY afraid)… That's about it, really.
Author's Note: As previously stated, there is a lot of insanity in this fic. A lot. So if your IQ drops a couple points… I'm sorry. I wrote this purely for entertainment. And it didn't help that I was listening to Hollaback Girl the entire time I wrote this… I think that might've had something to do with it… whatever.
IMPORTANT: I am not going completely by the games. For instance, Sora, Donald, and Goofy are going to be celebrating Christmas in Hollow Bastion (not Radiant Garden—they haven't found out what it's really called yet) at Merlin's house, but the all the members of the Organization are going to be alive, and yes, Sora will know who they all are. So I guess you could say that it's sorta AU… whatever.
And without further ado, enjoy the fic! Happy (early) Christmas! Try not to be too naughty, my lovelies!
Christmas Dinner
Xemnas did not like most holidays. To him, holidays were nothing but an excuse to get together with family, get stuff from each other, and get drunk off their asses. Not only that, but they annoyed the hell out of him. As far as he was concerned, New Year's was just an excuse to get drunk and have one-night stands with hookers, and Thanksgiving was just an excuse to stuff yourself full of food. Halloween was a waste of time (candy's bad for you, anyway), St. Patrick's Day had no point whatsoever (he despised leprechauns, with their stupid pots of gold and dinky rainbows), and Valentines Day was of no use to him (hard to feel the love when you didn't have a heart).
But there was one holiday that Xemnas liked: Christmas. As far as he was concerned, it was only about eating outrageous amounts of food, kissing under plants, drinking eggnog, exchanging gifts, staying up late at night waiting for some fat guy with a sleigh pulled by a bunch of reindeer, and generally being thankful for everything that you DID have, instead of everything that you didn't have—how could you not love it?
(Ignore the fact that Organization XIII knew nothing about the real meaning of Christmas—Xemnas just loved stuffing himself full of food, drinking eggnog, and exchanging gifts, so he figured that as long as he did that, he was successfully celebrating the holiday.)
And being the leader of Organization XIII, he made sure that the other members celebrated his favorite holiday of all time—this included forcing them to decorate a Christmas tree, help cook the food for the annual Christmas Dinner, making them sit at a festively decorated table and EAT the food, forcing them to say what they were thankful for after they ate said food, and then forcing them to exchange gifts they were forced to buy with what little money Xemnas decided to give them, among other things.
To be perfectly frank, Christmas made Xemnas just a little bit crazier than he already was.
Unfortunately for Xemnas, and the rest of the Organization as well, that year's Christmas celebration would be just a tad bit different than the previous ones. Maybe there was something in the water… or maybe Fate just felt like being an ass that day. But one thing was certain—all hell was going to break loose.
5:30 AM—Christmas Eve Morning
Thirteen drowsy Nobodies stood in front of the Entrance Stairs of Castle Oblivion, blinking sleepily and looking pretty stupid. Almost all of them were dressed in long black trench coats—except for the pale, skinny blonde girl, who was dressed in a simple white dress. Her name was Naminé, and, technically, since she wasn't part of the Organization, she was exempted from the dress code.
Xemnas stood before the group on the stairs; he was the only one who looked wide awake. His eyes were unusually bright and there was a disturbing grin on his face. Most of the members were used to this grin, however, so they didn't think much of it—except for Roxas, who was new.
From the look on his face, you could tell Roxas was getting freaked out; or maybe he looked like that because Axel, though all his drowsiness, had just grabbed his ass. The blonde squeaked and jumped away, scandalized. Axel smirked and winked at the blonde, causing the younger Nobody to turn a fantastic shade of fuchsia.
"W-what the hell do you think you're doing? I don't even know you!" Roxas hissed, glaring as best he could through his embarrassment at the smirking pyro.
"Name's Axel—A-X-E-L. Got it memorized?" the red-headed nobody replied smoothly. Roxas stared up at him in disbelief.
"As you know," Xemnas began suddenly, causing the remaining members to snap their attention to him, "today is Christmas Eve. We have had wonderful celebrations for this glorious holiday in the past, but I would like to make this year's celebration the best yet."
He paused; the remaining members looked up at him expectantly, blinking the sleep from their eyes. He continued.
"Therefore, I came up with a wonderful idea: we're all going to go Christmas caroling after dinner!"
"WHAT?" shrieked the only female member of Organization XIII, Larxene. "YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS!"
(Larxene was suffering from a horrible case of PMS, thus making her bitchier and more sadistic than usual.)
"I'm quite serious," Xemnas replied coolly. "I feel that it would help us to get into the Christmas spirit—spreading good will and cheer to the public and all that. And I'm sure that it would also make the children—" he nodded to Roxas and Naminé "—very happy."
Roxas scowled at being called a child.
"But that's just stupid!"ranted Larxene, the two blonde antennae-like strands of hair standing straight up in her anger. "It's bad enough we celebrate this stupid holiday every year—why should we have to go out and sing to a bunch of stupid idiots who are just gonna stand there and gawk at us? I HATE singing!"
Xemnas smiled—a small, dangerous, I-will-behead-you-with-a-toothbrush-if-you-annoy-me-further type of smile. Larxene shuddered.
"Like I said," the silver-haired leader replied, his voice dangerously soft, "it will help us to spread good will and cheer to the public. Can't you just imagine the smiles on faces of the adults and children when they see you singing of Santa and reindeer and snow and all that? Wouldn't that be nice? Don't you want to make people happy for the holidays?"
Larxene may have been PMS-ing, but even she knew that it would be dangerous to say no to him, especially when he had that edge in his voice. She mumbled an affirmative, lowering her eyes to study her shoes.
You did NOT make Xemnas angry when he had that edge in his voice—especially on Christmas Eve.
Organization XIII's Christmas Dinner Chore List
Group One—Marluxia, Larxene, Xaldin—Kitchen Duty (First Floor)
Group Two—Roxas, Axel, Naminé—Cleaning Duty
Group Three—Zexion, Demyx, Xigbar—Kitchen Duty (Second Floor)
Group Four—Lexaeus, Vexen, Luxord—Decoration Duty
Overseers—Xemnas, Saix
Xemnas smiled down at his list—it was a good list, a fair list. He felt that he had separated the members into proper groups, and was quite sure that they would do their duties to the best of their abilities. And, to avoid confusion, he had made copies, which he now motioned for Saix to pass out.
Saix did so. Xemnas studied the reactions of the members closely, and was pleased—most of them seemed quite happy with the arrangements. Zexion and Xigbar seemed quite happy being in the same group as Demyx—never mind that they were sending death glares at each other between their leers at the blonde sitarist.
Axel was currently sidling up to Roxas… the blonde was one of the few who seemed unhappy with his group, judging by the terrified look on his face, but Xemnas was sure that would change. Larxene was busy attempting to flirt and be coy with Marluxia, but the pink-haired man was too busy staring at Naminé like she was a huge, juicy steak, and he a hungry lion. Naminé was busy trying to hide herself from view behind the leering Axel, to keep herself out of the Graceful Assassin's view.
The rest of the members didn't seem to really care. Xemnas smiled—yes, he had certainly done a good job of separating them into groups.
"I do believe that this year's celebration will be quite successful, don't you, Saix?" he asked his right-hand man.
"Of course, sir," gushed Saix, fluttering his eyelashes ridiculously. Oh, how sexy their leader was when he ordered people around! How strong! How persuasive! How tactful!
Xemnas frowned. "What's wrong with your eyes? Did you get sand in them or something?"
Saix flushed. "N-no sir… just… allergies…"
6:00 AM—Christmas Eve Morning
Group One—Marluxia, Larxene, Xaldin—Kitchen Duty (First Floor)
Because the Christmas Dinner Xemnas wanted prepared was so huge, he had split the kitchen duty into two groups—one group on the first floor kitchen, the other on the second floor kitchen. And because of the three people in the first group, he had wisely decided to give them the easier task of preparing the deserts—cakes and cranberry sauce and pies and puddings and all that good stuff.
Unfortunately, it slipped his mind that Marluxia, Larxene, and Xaldin were the absolute worst cooks out of all the other Organization members. Larxene had actually burnt a salad once before—nobody was still quite sure how she managed that, but they all knew better than to ask. It was a sensitive subject for the blonde nobody.
"Where's that damn recipe book?" Larxene shouted, banging pots and pans onto the counter. She had suddenly been struck with a rather painful attack of cramps, which had made her bad mood worsen.
"I have it," Xaldin sighed, waving it in the air for her to see.
"Well, hand it over then!" she snapped. Xaldin did so.
"Now what the hell are we supposed to cook…?" Larxene muttered, thumbing through the pages.
"We should make some pie," Marluxia said, opening up the bag of flour and sniffing it suspiciously. He was unusually paranoid that day—we personally believe it had something to do with how nice Larxene was being to him. Go figure.
"What?" Xaldin asked, his nose scrunching as if he just smelled something bad. "Hell no! Pie sucks! We'll make cake."
"Cake is crap! We're making pie!" snapped Marluxia.
"Cake!"
"Pie!"
"Cake!"
"Pie!"
"CAKE!"
"PIE!"
"CAKE, DAMMIT!"
Suddenly, both men turned to Larxene. They both smiled, their features pleasant; Larxene gulped.
"Larxene," Marluxia said, his voice smooth and velvety, causing the blonde to nearly melt into a puddle of hormonal goo, "you're a smart woman—don't you think we should make some delicious pie instead of nasty, fattening cake? You like pie, don't you?"
"Of course she doesn't," Xaldin said quickly before Larxene could answer. "Pie is filled with nothing but disgusting preservatives and nasty, crusty bread. It cannot possibly compare to the wonderful moistness of a well-prepared cake. Don't you agree, Larxene?" His voice became dangerously soft at the last bit.
Larxene broke out into sweat. Oh, such tough, tough choices. On one hand, she had Marluxia, who was the sole star of every single one of the hot, erotic dreams that had been plaguing her for the past three months. But on the other hand, she had Xaldin, who was the most powerful of all the Organization members (next to Xemnas, anyway). If she angered him by saying that pie was better, she might as well go out and dig her grave. But if she said that cake was better, she might as well kiss any chance of getting laid by Marluxia good-bye. Either way, it was a lose-lose situation.
She bit her lip and looked down at her feet; why did life have to be such a bitch…?
6:10 AM—Christmas Eve Morning
Group Two—Roxas, Axel, Naminé—Cleaning Duty
It was days like this that Naminé hated her life more than she usually did. It was bad enough that she was kept locked up in an all-white room all day with nothing but art supplies to keep her amused, while constantly being harassed by Marluxia, who seemed determined to make her as uncomfortable as humanly possible.
But no, Fate had to go and make her life even more difficult by pairing her up with an obsessed pyromaniac who couldn't seem to keep his hands off inappropriate parts of the newest member of the Organization. Said newest member seemed to be doing his damned hardest to beat Axel off of him, but to no success.
"What the heck are you doing, you sicko? Stop that—stop grabbing me!"
"But you've got something on your pants, just let me get it off—"
"STOP GRABBING ME YOU FUCKING PERV!"
Naminé sighed, and wisely decided to intervene before the situation got out of hand. "Um, shouldn't we start cleaning now? If Xemnas or Saix find us like this…"
That got their attention. Axel reluctantly let go of Roxas, who hastily backed up till there was a good ten feet of space separating them.
"Right…" Roxas said, still eyeing the leering pyro warily. "Where should we start?"
"Well," Naminé began thoughtfully. "I suppose we'd better start in the dining room—the only time we ever use it is for Christmas Dinner, so it must be really filthy."
The other two agreed, and the trio made their way to the dining room. As they passed by the First Floor Kitchen, they heard a very interesting conversation:
"CAKE!"
"PIE!"
"CAKE, YOU PANSY!"
"PIE, YOU EGOTISTICAL HAIRY APE!"
Naminé and Roxas's steps faltered as they stared at the door in bewilderment.
"Just keep walking, you two," Axel sighed, putting an arm around each of the teens, ushering along. Unfortunately, one of his arms strayed a bit too far downward…
"STOP GRABBING MY ASS, DAMMIT!"
"Whoops, would ya look at that? Bad hand! Stop grabbing Roxas's incredibly cute ass!"
"THIS IS SEXUAL HARRASSMENT!"
Naminé sighed, and quickened her pace towards the dining room.
"Here it is," Naminé said when they reached the door. A cart full of cleaning supplies—the kind you see janitors with—was parked conveniently by it. Axel grabbed it and pushed it towards the door while Roxas opened the door, which proved to be a difficult task, as the hinges were quite rusty and seemed reluctant to move.
When the door finally did open, the trio peered into the room. It was pitch black; they couldn't see a thing.
"Jeeze, where's the light switch?" Axel grumbled, reaching a cautious arm in to feel around for a switch.
"It's on the other side of the room," Naminé reminded him with a sigh.
"Who the hell puts a light switch on the other side of the room?" Axel grumbled, wincing as he peered into the black room. "Damn… well, c'mon then, no use standing around…"
The trio went in, with Naminé keeping close to Axel, and Roxas keeping close to Naminé—the darkness was just a bit scary. Then Naminé let out a sudden, frantic squeal.
"Eek! Something furry just touched my leg!"
"Probably a rat," Axel replied mindlessly—he had his arms out in front of him to avoid crashing into anything, and wasn't really paying to what was being said.
"Gross…" Naminé shuddered. Roxas reached out and touched her shoulder in what he hoped was a comforting way. Naminé smiled at him, though that was a pretty useless thing for her to do, since it was too dark to see her face. Then Roxas suddenly gave a startled jump.
"AXEL! GET YOUR HAND OFF MY BUTT!"
"Oh, was that what it was?" the pyromaniac asked innocently. "I thought it was something else…"
Roxas grumbled in frustration, glaring daggers in the direction he imagined the pyro to be in. Naminé put her hand on his arm this time in an attempt to calm him down, and it sort of worked. Roxas didn't think about killing Axel anymore—just maiming him.
Axel was grinning to himself, quite sure that he was going to make it to the light switch without injury. Unfortunately for him, some furniture isn't quite high enough for your arms and hands to hit it.
Smack!
The southern end of Axel—the part that came with what the pyro had affectionately nicknamed Junior—came in contact with the very sharp, very hard, and very pointy end of the dining room table.
"FUCK! GODDAMMIT!" Axel howled in pain, doubling over and clutching himself.
"What? What happened?" Naminé asked, now extremely nervous.
"Junior—table—PAIN!" the pyro hissed, unable to form a complete sentence.
"Junior?" Naminé repeated, mystified—she had no idea what the pyro was talking about.
Suddenly, the room exploded in light—Roxas had found the light switch.
"Found it," the blonde said with a small grin, obviously quite proud of himself. Naminé sighed in relief and Axel groaned in pain as he stood up. Then the trio got a good, clear look at the room.
Filthy did not even begin to describe it. Every single piece of furniture in the room was coated with at least three layers of dust. Cobwebs were everywhere. Rats were scurrying back into their holes, squeaking furiously at the sudden light. Carcass remains of dead rodents and bug remains littered the floor. Remains of last year's Christmas Dinner could still be seen on the table. And it seemed that the rats had built a thriving metropolis underneath the dining table. The trio drew back with a gasp, horrified.
"This is the most unsanitary thing I've ever seen," Roxas said in disgust.
"It's terrifying—and yet, I can't seem to look away," Naminé murmured, gripping Roxas's arm.
"Dude," Axel whispered in awe. "I think the rug just moved." Unbeknownst to the two younger teens, Axel had wisely decided to take advantage of their shock.
"AXEL!" Roxas wailed, completely mortified. He was the past the point of being angry—anger seemed to do nothing but encourage the pyro.
"Sorry," Axel said innocently. "My hand just can't seem to keep to itself!"
Naminé sighed for the umpteenth time that day. "Let's just start cleaning, okay guys?" she asked timidly. Roxas grumbled an agreement while Axel smirked triumphantly.
7:00 AM—Christmas Eve Morning
Group Three—Zexion, Demyx, Xigbar—Kitchen Duty (Second Floor)
Demyx whistled a happy tune as he pulled pots and pans out of the cabinets. The blonde sitarist loved to cook—it was one of his many favorite activities. That was why he was so happy when he found out that he had Kitchen Duty—being paired with two of his friends was an added bonus. Zexion, Xigbar, and Luxord were the only three members who were friendly to him (well, being friendly was pushing it a bit when it came to Zexion—courteous would be a better word).
"Alright!" he said, turning to the other two. "You guys ready to start cooking?"
Zexion grunted, folding his arms and closing his eyes as he leaned against the wall—he didn't completely close his eyes, however, so he could admire how cute the blonde looked in his 'Kiss the Cook' apron. Xigbar shot the blonde his trademark 'Sexy Smirk.'
"Ready when you are, kid!" he said, winking—or blinking. It was kind of hard to tell, since he only had one eye.
The blonde grinned and opened up the cookbook he'd found, flipping through the pages. "We need to start with the turkey first," the blonde said as he studied the directions. "It takes over a few hours to cook, but we can cook everything else while it's in the oven… Do you think you could wash it, Zexion?"
The silver-haired man blinked; he'd been so absorbed in admiring the blonde's derrière that he had not heard a word of what was said.
"Er—what was that?" he asked, keeping his tone cool.
"Could you wash the turkey?" Demyx repeated, smiling sweetly.
Zexion blinked. "…Yes, alright then." Damn—if Demyx kept smiling like that, he wasn't quite sure if he retain enough self control to keep himself from deflowering the younger nobody right there on the kitchen counter. That thought actually put a nice picture in his head…
"Alright, then come over here," Demyx said, leading the silver-haired man over to the sink, unaware that the simple touch of his hand on the other's arm was making the other hornier than he already was. "Here's the turkey—" he handed over the plucked bird "—now all you gotta do is hold it under the faucet while the water's running. Make sure every bit of the turkey is washed! Who knows what sort of germs are lurking on it…" Then he turned to Xigbar, who quickly averted his eye from the blonde's perky butt.
"Do you know how to make stuffing?" Demyx asked innocently.
Xigbar shook his head. "Nope. Never cooked anything before in my life."
"Well, don't worry about it! All you gotta do is follow directions—"
"Hey Demyx?" Zexion said suddenly. "I'm not sure if I'm doing this right. Could you come and see?"
"Be right back," the blonde said before walking over to the silver haired nobody, leaving a scowling Xigbar behind. "No, you need to move the turkey around. Here lemme show you—"
The blonde then put his arms around the older Nobody to help direct the other of how to correctly move the turkey to ensure that it would become clean—his intentions perfectly innocent. He did not realize that Zexion was smirking over his shoulder at Xigbar, who was looking positively murderous.
In fact, the blonde was not aware at all that he was the object of affection for his two friends, and that the two were quite close to ripping each others throats out over the blonde.
Then again, 'Oblivious' should have been Demyx's middle name.
7:30 AM—Christmas Eve Morning
Group Four—Lexaeus, Vexen, Luxord—Decoration Duty
This had to be the most embarrassing assignment that Luxord had ever been given.
Luxord was a man—he was a very manly man, thank you very much, and he liked to do manly things. He liked to hunt. He liked to watch football… he liked to arm wrestle… and he loved to play card games. Especially poker—he was the best damn poker player you'd ever meet! And did I mention he was manly? He was very manly indeed—he was the manliest man ever, he was sure!
Which was why he just couldn't understand how he was given… Decoration Duty.
"I demand a recount," he said aloud, his voice full of his irritation. The other two members of his group—Vexen and Lexaeus—said nothing. Lexaeus was busy sulking, and who knew what Vexen was thinking.
It didn't help that the three Nobodies knew absolutely NOTHING about making Christmas decorations. There they were, sitting at a table, surrounded by cloths and lacy things and super glue and ribbons and feathers and popsicle sticks and pine cones and construction paper and all sorts of other arts-and-crafts supplies all, and they had no clue of what to do.
Lexaeus picked up a popsicle stick, studied it for a bit, then sighed and said. "Well, we're screwed. What the hell are we supposed to make, anyway?"
"A snowman," Vexen suggested, looking down his nose at some lacey material with a look of pure disgust.
Luxord figured that sounded about right. "Okay… that's a start," he said hesitantly. He scooped up a handful of cotton balls, picked up a popsicle stick, and studied the materials. Then he set the popsicle stick on the table, grabbed the glue bottle, and attempted to glue the cotton balls to the popsicle stick.
"What are you doing?" Lexaeus asked curiously.
"I'm making a snowman," Luxord muttered, struggling to arrange the cotton balls into what he hoped resembled the body of a snowman.
Vexen studied Luxord's creation for a moment, before speaking. "That is not a snowman," he said. "That is what can only be classified as a pure mess."
Luxord looked up and scowled. "I'd like to see you do any better," he snapped. Vexen said nothing, but glared at the blonde. The two Nobodies fell into a glaring contest. Lexaeus, to keep himself occupied—he despised being idle, you know—began to play with the materials. He picked up a piece of lace, studied if for a bit, then placed it on his head. He turned around to look at his reflection in the mirror that hung on the mirror behind him. He smiled—he looked kinda pretty.
He turned around, a pleasant feeling humming through him—only to find that Vexen and Luxord were staring at him as if he had just grown a second head.
"…What?" he asked defensively.
Luxord just shook his head and turned away; Vexen smiled lecherously. Lexaeus quickly snatched the lace of his head, eyeing Vexen warily.
The trio of men were spared further awkwardness amongst themselves when Xemnas strode in, followed closely by Saix, who was seemly fixated with the leaders' ass.
"Why are you three not working?" Xemnas asked quietly; his voice had that edge still. The three men exchanged nervous looks.
"Well, er… we don't know what to do," Lexaeus confessed.
"Oh?" Xemnas said, raising one silver eyebrow.
"I made this," Luxord said brightly, holding up his 'snowman'; most of the cotton balls fell off. The gambler slumped in his seat sadly.
Xemnas stared at the popsicle for a few moments, then, realizing how desperate the situation was, turned to Saix. "Help them," he ordered.
"Sir?" Saix asked, startled.
Xemnas sighed impatiently. "You watch Martha Stewart all the time right?" Saix nodded. "Then you should know how to make decent Christmas decorations. These three—" he gestured to the three Nobodies "—obviously don't."
"B-b-b-but—" Saix stuttered; to help them meant that he wouldn't be able to ogle his leader! Oh, the humanity!
"Go on and help them," Xemnas ordered. "All you need to do is show them how to make… whatever it is that you know how to make, and then report back. We still need to check on the other groups."
Saix sighed in defeat. "Yes, Xemnas…" he sighed, casting a sad look at his leaders' retreating ass as Xemnas walked away. Then he sighed, and turned to the other three. "Alright, then, get over here…"
Luxord was amazed at the number of things you could make with a piece of black pipe cleaner, black construction paper, some cotton balls, a popsicle stick, and a hot glue gun. Within seconds, Saix showed the three Nobodies how to make a snowman—and it wasn't just a bunch of cotton balls glued to a popsicle stick either, like Luxord's snowman, but it actually looked like a snowman. Then he showed them how to make a Christmas tree with some construction paper and sequins, and other things of that sort.
"No, no, no," Saix sighed as he surveyed Vexen's attempt to make a little elf from green cloth, a popsicle stick, and a piece of yellow yarn. "You've got the cloth all crooked—it's supposed to be like this…" Vexen scowled as Saix hastily corrected the mess while the other Nobodies snickered.
Saix sighed at Vexen's utter incompetence; it was gonna be a loooong day.
9:42 AM—Christmas Eve Morning
Group One
Let's return to Larxene, Marluxia, and Xaldin—
"CAKE!"
"PIE!"
"CAKE!"
"PIE!"
…As you can see, not much has changed.
Over in the corner, Larxene had sighed. When she had been asked her opinion, she did the only thing she thought would be possible—she kept her mouth shut. Fortunately, this worked. The two Nobodies quickly lost patience and went back to their screaming match, which Larxene was extremely grateful of. She just hoped that they wouldn't call on her again—
"You know Larxene, you never answered our question."
Larxene let out a high-pitched squeak at the sound of Marluxia's voice. She stared at the two nobodies with wide, frightened eyes. "W-what?"
"You didn't answer our question," Xaldin hissed scarily; his eyes were narrowed into almost slits. "Which do you think we should make? Wonderful, delicious cake—"
"—Or tasty, delectable pie?" Marluxia finished for the other nobody while they exchanged death glares.
Larxene wanted to cry. For the first time in her Nobody life, she wanted to just sit down and cry. And she blamed it all on her damn period. But just as suddenly as the feeling came, it vanished—and was immediately replaced with blind rage. That's mood swings for ya.
"HOW DARE YOU!"
The two male Nobodies blinked at the blonde woman, stunned. Larxene stood before them, legs spread out sturdily, hands balled into fists on either side of her, and a murderous look on her face. Marluxia and Xaldin did the only thing there was left to do—they cowered.
And do you know why? I'll tell you: BECAUSE THIS IS THE PART WHERE LARXENE COMPLETELY SNAPS.
"HOW DARE YOU PUT ALL THIS PRESSURE ON ME? DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH? THE LINING OF MY UTERUS IS GUSHING OUT OF MY VAGINA! THERE'S BLOOD EVERYWHERE! MY TITS ARE SORE! I'M RIDING ON AN EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER! AND ALL YOU TWO IDIOTS CARE ABOUT IS YOUR STUPID PIE AND CAKE!"
The two Nobodies whimpered in fear.
"I'M CRAMPING AND I ACHE IN PLACES THAT I DIDN'T KNOW EXISTED! MY SKIN IS BREAKING OUT IN PATCHES! I'M TEN TIMES HORNIER THAN USUAL AND I WANT SOME CHOCOLATE RIGHT NOW GODDAMMIT!"
The enraged blonde woman stood over the two men (who were now lying on the floor, huddling together in terror), breathing heavily, flushed an angry red hue. She was also sniffing heavily while desperately trying to stop the tears that were threatening to fall from her eyes. Dammit—she was the Savage Nymph, a Nobody—she didn't cry, not even during her period!
"Um, Larxene?" Marluxia spoke timidly, terrified that if he said the wrong thing, he would set her off again. "How about… how about we just make both cake and pie? And maybe make you some chocolate brownies…? Would you like that?"
Larxene sniffled and looked down at Marluxia with watery eyes and the anger slowly drained out of her body. "R-really? You mean it? Brownies?" She looked extremely hopeful.
"Of course," Marluxia said quickly, plastering a soothing smile onto his face. "Double fudge brownies with chocolate chips! And chocolate cake too!" (He didn't notice that Xaldin brightened at this—the side-burned man did have a strong passion for chocolate cake.)
Larxene sniffed again and gave the two men a watery smile. "Okay, then—get your asses up and lets start cooking!"
And just like that, she was back to normal…
10:45 AM—Late Christmas Eve Morning
Group Two
I wonder how Roxas and the other two are doing—
"OH MY GOD! IT MOVED! IT'S STILL ALIVE!"
"KILL IT! KILL IT!"
"EEEEEK! I JUST TOUCHED IT!"
Thunk
"ARGH! GET IT OFF! GETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFF!"
"HOLD STILL DAMMIT! I CAN'T SMACK IT IF YOU DON'T HOLD STILL!"
"OH DEAR LORD IN HEAVEN IT JUST BIT HIM! IT'S—IT'S DRINKING HIS BLOOD!"
"SWEET MOTHER OF JESUS, GET IT OFF! IT'S SUCKING MY WILL TO LIVE!"
"HANG ON ROXAS! HANG IN THERE LITTLE BUDDY—"
"DAMMIT, AXEL, THIS IS NO TIME TO GRAB MY ASS—GET THIS ABOMINATION OFF OF ME! IT'S SUCKING MY BLOOD! I CAN SEE MY LIFE FLASHING BEFORE MY EYES!"
"OKAY HOLD STILL—"
SMACK!
"OW GODDAMMIT!"
"I TOLD YOU TO HOLD STILL! AT LEAST IT'S OFF NOW—"
"EEEEEEEEEEEWWW! IT'S HEADING STRAIGHT TOWARDS ME!"
"I GOT IT—"
"NO YOU DON'T, YOU'LL JUST HIT HER INSTEAD!"
"SQUISH IT! SQUISHITSQUISHITSQUISHITSQUISHIT—"
…Okay then…
11:30 AM—Late Christmas Eve Morning
Group Three
Xemnas and Saix stared at the kitchen in silence, too shocked to say anything.
The second floor kitchen was… empty. Zexion, Demyx, and Xigbar were no where in sight. Stranger than that, there were signs that some sort of terrific struggle had taken place—flour was spattered everywhere, pots and pans were strewn all over the floor, and Demyx's 'Kiss the Cook' apron lay, torn violently into shreds over in the corner. It was quite a scary sight to behold.
"…Where are they?" Saix finally said when he managed to get his voice back. Xemnas just shook his head in bewilderment.
Meanwhile…
Demyx wanted to cry. He wanted to throw himself to the ground and bawl like a little baby, kicking and screaming. But he couldn't do that, because if he did, he would surely attract the attention of Xigbar and Zexion, who were currently prowling a mere five and a half feet away from his hiding place (which was inside Marluxia's prized rosebushes in Castle Oblivion's garden/courtyard out in the freezing snow). They were hunting—for him.
The blonde sitarist suppressed a whimper. He wasn't sure how it had happened. One minute, everything was fine—unless you counted the fact that Xigbar and Zexion kept throwing knives at each other, but they insisted that they were just practicing! And then the next thing he knew, he was the rope in a literal game of tug-o'-war! Literally! And they were both trying to tear his clothes off!
Poor Demyx. He hadn't known what to do. So he did what seemed to be the most logical—he broke free of both men and high-tailed it out of there, as fast as his skinny legs could take him.
However, he did not plan on the two men giving chase. Nor did he plan on them being extraordinarily fast.
So somehow during the chase, he had ended up there in the rosebushes, pleading to some invisible holy spirit to rescue him from this awkward position as he slowly lost the feeling in his legs from the freezing cold. To make matters worse, Zexion and Xigbar had decided to settle their differences temporarily, and joined forces to help each other find the blonde. And then he suddenly remembered one other thing that he had forgotten—Zexion's extremely keen sense of smell.
"He's here."
Demyx repressed the urge to scream—but just barely.
"Where is he?"
"In the bushes."
Crap.
Faster than he could blink, he was only too aware that his two stalkers were standing above him, peering down at him through the leaves.
"Hello, Demyx," Zexion said pleasantly, a disturbing gleam in his eye. "Lovely weather today, isn't it?" (He did not seem to realize that it was snowing heavily… but whatever.)
Demyx burst into tears.
12:00 PM—Christmas Eve Midday
Group Four
Lexaeus sighed and stretched out luxuriously.
Well, they were finished. They were finally finished. The entire table was littered with snowmen and Christmas trees and Santas and reindeer and elves and all other sorts of Christmas icons, all made from various materials that you can find in your own house. And while the decorations were not quite as neat as the ones Saix had created, you could at least tell what they were supposed to be… sorta.
"Well, now what?" Vexen sighed, massaging his temples. You could barely tell what any of his decorations were supposed to be—he was obviously not very artistic in the least.
"The Christmas tree," Luxord said, peering down at the list Saix had left them. The other two Nobodies groaned.
"I'll go get my tomahawk…" Lexaeus sighed, standing up and trudging out of the room sadly.
"I'll get the first aid kit," Vexen grumbled, also leaving.
"…I'll just wait here then," Luxord said, fidgeting in his seat.
1:42 PM—Christmas Eve Afternoon
Group One
Marluxia blinked. The second floor kitchen was an absolute mess—Zexion, Demyx, and Xigbar were nowhere in sight. He had come to borrow a cup of sugar… and instead found a scene of complete chaos. He scratched the back of his head and blinked; he wasn't quite sure what to do.
And then he spotted the turkey lying innocently in the sink. And he suddenly got a very disturbing idea—one that for all it's nastiness, he desperately wanted to fulfill. But no! He couldn't! That was just wrong, and so gross!
And yet… the cleaned turkey reminded him of somebody… a certain pale, skinny, blonde-headed and blue-eyed little witch…
And against his will, he felt his feet taking him towards the turkey.
Meanwhile…
Larxene stomped up the stairs angrily. What the hell was taking Marluxia so long? He only needed to borrow a cup of sugar! Honestly, how long did it take for a person to borrow a measly cup of sugar?
As she drew nearer to the second floor's kitchen door, Larxene began to hear strange noises… pained noises… grunting noises… strange pained grunting noises to be exact.
'That sounds like Marluxia!' she thought to herself. 'It sounds like he's hurt! I bet it was Xigbar—that bastard, he knows I'm the only one that can harm Marluxia! That son of a bitch!' The Savage Nymph quickened her pace, anger radiating from her body. 'I can't wait to see how Marluxia will repay me for helping him…' the blonde thought, a smirk spreading across her face. 'Heh… he might've even let me play the nurse for him… I got some medicine that'll make him aaaaall better…'
But unfortunately for Larxene, she was in for a rather nasty surprise.
She kicked the kitchen door open with an almighty bang, shrieking, "Don't worry Marluxia, I'm here…!" And then she saw Marluxia, completely uninjured…
And then she saw what he was doing to the Christmas turkey.
And she screamed.
Meanwhile (again)…
"OH MY GOD!"
Xaldin looked up from the brownie mix he was stirring and frowned. That sounded like Larxene. And she sounded completely freaked out.
And then he heard Marluxia's voice.
"L-LARXENE! IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK—"
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO THE TURKEY, YOU DEMENTED FREAK?"
Xaldin's eyes widened considerably. No… Marluxia couldn't possibly… He wasn't THAT sick… was he?
"I… I WAS JUST CLEANING IT OUT!"
"CLEANING IT OUT? HOW THE HELL IS THAT CLEANING IT OUT? LOOKS MORE LIKE YOUR STUFFING IT WITH SOMETHING THAT ISN'T MEANT TO BE STUFFED INTO IT!"
Holy mother of pearl. Marluxia DID do that… Xaldin grimaced. Well, he certainly wasn't going to be having any turkey for dinner that night…
"JUST CALM DOWN AND LET ME EXPLAIN!"
"GET THAT THING OUT OF THERE! GET IT OUT OF THERE RIGHT NOW! WE WERE SUPPOSED TO EAT THAT TONIGHT!"
"I CAN'T! IT'S STUCK!"
"WHAT?"
Xaldin's eye twitched unpleasantly as he got a rather disturbing image. He felt his sanity steadily drifting away…
And this is about the part where hell completely breaks loose… because Xaldin's sanity finally snapped.
2:00 PM—Christmas Eve Afternoon
Group Two
Let's join back with Roxas and co…
"…"
"…"
"…"
To say that the three Nobodies were exhausted was an understatement. To say that they were struck speechless was an understatement too. Not only had they heard the entire scream-conversation that had took place just minutes before, but during their cleaning spree they had also found a bunch of disturbing content that somebody had obviously tried to hide for safe keeping behind a (dead) potted plant.
There were pictures. Lots of pictures… of an extremely naked Xemnas, clutching what appeared to be some sort of teddy bear. There was also a bag of condoms, with the words 'JUST IN CASE' written across in bold black letters. And a lot of graphic love poems, describing various things the poet wanted to do to Xemnas, which included the use of silly string, a croquet mat, a hammer, a carrot, some cool whip, and a porcupine—all to be used in various sexual situations. You do NOT want me to explain. Just use your imagination.
It was quite obvious that the trio had stumbled across Saix's special stash of Xemnas-obsessed memorabilia.
It was Axel who finally broke the silence.
"This never happened, " he said, his voice shaky. "We did not find any of these… these things. We did not hear any of that." He gestured in the direction of the kitchen, where the screaming match had come from. "Got it memorized?"
The two younger teens were still unable to speak, so they merely nodded in agreement.
2:45 PM—Christmas Eve Afternoon
Group Three
Demyx had never been so horrified in his entire life. There he was, bound and gagged to a tree, while his two stalkers plotted his fate on either side of him—all the while touching him in ways he never thought he'd be touched. No… not like THAT you sick perverts. I mean like… oh, just read.
"How about this," Xigbar began, lightly tracing Demyx's calf with one hand, causing the blonde to squirm. "I get a hold of him for one hour, and then when I'm done, you get a hold of him for the next hour. Fair trade."
Zexion scowled as he raked his fingers through the blonde's mohawk-like haircut. "I've got a better idea—how about we split him down the middle? I get the bottom, you get the top. We trade off after every hour. What do you say?" (Demyx squawked in protest at this, but neither man paid him any attention.)
Xigbar frowned. "I like my plan better."
"Well, that's just too bad, because we're using my plan."
"What? No! We're using mine!"
"No, mine!"
"I've got a better idea—how about we just call the whole agreement off, and I take Demyx here away for my own enjoyment?"
"I don't think so, cyclops! If anyone's taking him, it's me!"
"No way dude! I claimed first dibs!"
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
Demyx whimpered pathetically.
3:00 PM—Christmas Eve Afternoon
With Xaldin…
As stated when we were last left with the side-burned Nobody, Xaldin had completely snapped. It's actually quite surprising that it hadn't happened before, all things considering, but whatever.
We now find Xaldin in the laundry room, standing in front of the dryer. A disturbing grin was stretched across his face as he giggled to himself. And in his hands… was a leaf blower.
Oh dear lord in heaven…
"We meet again," he whispered to the dryer.
"So it would seem…" said the dryer.
"I've waited my whole life for this day," Xaldin continued, tightening his hold on the leaf blower. "I could hardly wait for the day that you and I would meet like this… here! For our final showdown!"
"I should have gone ahead and killed you all those years ago," the dryer replied menacingly. "Prepare to face my wrath, puny mortal!"
That's right. In Xaldin's unstable mind, the dryer was his mortal enemy.
Cackling insanely, Xaldin aimed his mighty leaf blower at the dryer and turned it on to full power.
The dryer gave a loud groan as the force of the leaf blower began to crush it against the wall.
"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Xaldin cackled. He was so busy cackling that he did not hear the door bang open.
"XALDIN! WHAT IN DARKNESS'S NAME ARE YOU DOING?"
The side-burned Nobody looked; Xemnas stood in the doorway (with Saix peering over his shoulder from behind), staring at him in the dryer with a look of bewilderment on his face.
Calmly, Xaldin (confident that his attack had significantly weakened his foe) turned the leaf blower off and turned to his superiors. "Hello Xemnas, Saix. How can I help you?"
"W-what are you doing? Why the hell are you destroying my dryer?" Xemnas all but wailed. This day was turning out to be extremely stressful.
"Because," Xaldin replied, "it's been trying to kill us all."
Xemnas and Saix blinked at him.
"Haven't you noticed? It hisses softly at me whenever I walk by. It tied to lure Demyx into it the other day by hiding one of his socks. It immediately stops whispering to the washer whenever one of us comes into the room—the dryer sheets are laced with cyanide instead of fabric softener!"
The two silver haired Nobodies exchanged looks.
"…How do you know the dryer sheets were laced with cyanide?" Saix asked finally.
"The dryer told me."
"…It told you?"
"Yes."
"You mean it actually spoke to you?"
Xaldin sighed impatiently, rolling his eyes. "Yes! In fact, it's speaking right now—it just insulted my mother!"
Xemnas and Saix looked at each other again, then looked at the dryer; it sat in the corner, partially destroyed, emitting nothing but sparks and smoke, completely mute. "Well, technically Xaldin," Xemnas said, trying to choose his words carefully, "you don't have a mother. We're Nobodies—we just empty shells, created when our Somebodies lost their hearts."
"SHUT UP!" Xaldin shrieked, now glaring daggers at the dryer. "It's brain washing you! Can't you see? It's trying to turn you into his mindless little slaves!"
"Bwahahahahahahaha!" cackled the dryer. "Admit defeat, insignificant mortal—nobody can defeat me! I AM INVINCIBLE!"
"NEVER!" Xaldin shrieked, and proceeded to turn the leaf blower back on to full power. "FACE MY WRATH! SUPER SIDE-BURN CYCLONE ATTACK!"
"NO!" shrieked the dryer. "NOT THAT! NOT THE SUPER SIDE-BURN CYCLONE ATTACK!"
And then quite suddenly, the dryer exploded, sending dryer lint and fluff everywhere.
"TAKE THIS! SELF-DESTRUCT ATTACK OF DOOOOOOOM!"
"ARCH!! NOOOOOO! IT'S SUFFOCATING ME! IT'S SQUEZZING THE LIFE OUT OF ME!" Xaldin shrieked, falling to his knees as he was buried under tons o' dryer lint.
Xemnas and Saix, after exchanging one more disbelieving look, made a hasty exit.
3:25 PM—Christmas Eve Afternoon
Group Four
"This one looks good!" Luxord shouted to his companions, looking up at the rather nice looking Christmas tree he had found. The three Nobodies were in Christmas Town—what better place to look for a proper tree than in the very place that celebrated the holiday all year long?
"I agree," said Vexen, craning his head up to look at it. "The tops a bit too long, but we can just trim it when we get back. Lexaeus, if you would…"
Lexaeus tromped over, his giant tomahawk slung over his shoulder. He didn't look very happy.
"Er, guys, are you sure this is okay? I don't think we're supposed to be here…"
"Don't be stupid," Luxord scoffed. "It's a free country—we can come and go as we please!"
"Not according to the 'No Trespassing' signs, we can't," Lexaeus shot back, jerking his thumb over to one of the signs that was attached to the chain fence.
Vexen blinked at him. "And we care about what the sign says… why?"
"Because we're in Santa's Christmas Tree Farm!" Lexaeus snapped, irritated. "All these trees belong to him! We should at least ask permission! If we don't and he finds out, he might not give us any Christmas presents this year!"
"You know, somehow I don't think he'd let us have a Christmas tree if we asked, anyway—we aren't exactly on his Nice List with all the stuff we've done," Luxord pointed out. Vexen nodded in agreement.
The giant was still hesitant. "…But still…"
"No buts," Vexen said firmly. "Hurry up and chop the damn tree down—these reindeer are starting to creep me out."
The other two Nobodies blinked and looked around; they had not realized that they were surrounded by all eight of Santa's reindeer, with Rudolph in the lead. They stood in a circle surrounding the three Nobodies, staring at them unblinkingly. They didn't do anything, didn't make any noise… just stood there… staring…
Lexaeus shuddered. "Yeah, okay…" He slung his tomahawk from his shoulder and readied it, taking careful aim. "Stand back you two…"
Vexen and Luxord backed away, trying not to get to close to the reindeer. Then, something written on one of the 'No Trespassing' signs caught Luxord's eye. "Hey, Vexen, look at this," he said, stepping towards the sign to get a better look. Vexen followed, now also curious.
The message below the words 'NO TRESPASSING' said this:
WARNING!
This area is reserved as the mating ground for Santa's reindeer. As you know, it's their mating season.
DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES COME TO THIS AREA WITHOUT SANTA CLAUSE OR ONE OF THE REINDEER HANDLERS.
If you should come here with a Handler, make sure you have Santa's permission before hand. Remember that it's very dangerous around this time, so do not provoke the reindeer (make mating sounds, pretend to be a reindeer, strike various reindeer-mating positions, etc.) in any way shape or form.
Merry Christmas!
The Christmas Town Reindeer Handler Association
The two men stared at the message, speechless.
"…I thought their mating season was in the spring," Luxord finally said, dumbly.
"It's actually from the beginning of November to the end of November, though it varies from place to place," Vexen replied, his eyes narrowing as he pondered the situation. "I suppose it probably lasts till the first of January here… We do need to be careful though—reindeer are extremely territorial during mating season."
The Gambler of Fate raised his eyebrows. "…How do you know that?"
"I saw a documentary on reindeer last week," Vexen replied, still pondering.
Luxord shrugged and turned back around, shouting to the giant. "Hey Lexaeus! Watch out—the reindeer are horny and territorial! Chop the stupid tree down already so we can get out of here!"
"You got it!" Lexaeus shouted back, and swung his tomahawk. Unfortunately, since Lexaeus swung so far back, the edge of it caught Vexen in the stomach, sending him flying into the trees. Lexaeus winced when he realized what had happened, then shrugged; at least he chopped the tree down.
"Shit!" Luxord said, staring after the Chilly Academic in shock. "Are you okay?"
A loud groan was his only response.
Luxord turned and glared at the giant.
"…Oops?" Lexaeus laughed, rubbing the back of his head and looking sheepish. Luxord sighed and made his way through the woods to where their companion had flown.
Lexaeus sighed, slung his tomahawk over his shoulder once more, and picked up the fallen tree. Moments later, his two companions reappeared, with Luxord supporting the older Nobody.
"…At least you're not hurt too badly," Luxord was saying, trying to brighten the situation. Vexen growled in response.
Lexaeus, upon seeing Vexen, burst out laughing.
"What the hell are you laughing at, you clumsy buffoon?" Vexen hissed, glaring daggers at the giant.
"N-n-nice hair, Vexen! Trying to join Santa's reindeer team, are you?" Lexaeus chortled, pointing—two long sticks with twigs sticking out from every direction were stuck on either side of Vexen's hair, making him look like he had antlers. Luxord, who hadn't noticed till that moment, also burst out laughing. Vexen looked positively murderous.
And then they heard a grunt—a long, lustful, aroused grunt.
The three men turned—and found Rudolph a mere ten feet from them, eyeing Vexen hungrily.
And then they remembered the warning: it was mating season, and Vexen was wearing antlers—and female reindeer had antlers. Which meant that Vexen looked like a female reindeer… and that the sign had specifically warned against doing something stupid, like wearing (twig) antlers.
Suddenly, they were aware that all the other reindeer had crowded around them too, and were also emitting lustful grunts.
And they were all looking at Vexen.
"Oh hell no," Vexen said, looking terrified.
"Uh, we need to get these off—like now!" Luxord said as he began to tug at the twig antlers. Unfortunately, they were tangled up in Vexen's hair pretty deeply.
"OW OW OW—STOP IT, YOU BLONDE DOLT!" Vexen shrieked in pain, shoving the blonde gambler away from him.
"Hey! You're blonde too!" Luxord argued, glaring.
"No I'm not," Vexen snapped. "My hair is golden brown—it's not blonde at all."
"It's blonde!"
"Brown!"
"Blonde!"
"Brown!"
"Guys—I don't think this is the best time to be discussing this!" Lexaeus shrieked. The other two looked up and realized that all the reindeer were now charging towards them… or rather, were charging towards Vexen.
The Chilly Academic screamed. "OH FUCK—"
3:45—Christmas Eve Afternoon
Group Three
Let's see how Zexion, Demyx and Xigbar are faring—
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"Did not—WHERE THE HELL'S DEMYX?"
The blonde sitarist was long gone.
Meanwhile…
Demyx, after breaking loose from the ropes that had bound him, had safely teleported himself up onto the roof by the chimney. He was in a rather messy state; he was crying, cursing, and stomping around, throwing himself a wonderful little temper tantrum.
"It's not fair!" he wailed. "Why does this stuff always happen to me?" It was true—he was molested at least once a year by one of the other members. Last year Xemnas had wanted to give him a 'job'—and it wasn't the working kind of job, either. Use your imagination.
The blonde sniffed and scuffed the floor moodily, crossing his arms in front of his chest.
"I hate my life," he wailed to nobody in particular.
And then he heard it—the sound of somebody teleporting. He turned, and saw that somebody was teleporting up onto the roof three feet away from him. He wasn't sure who it was—it could have been any member of the Organization, not just Zexion or Xigbar. But Demyx wasn't going to take any chances, so he did the most logical thing—he jumped down the chimney, and disappeared from view.
And it was a good idea, too, if not for just one little thing…
"Dammit… I'm stuck!"
4:15 PM—Christmas Eve Late Afternoon
Group Two
"Alright," Xemnas sighed, looking agitated. "Since Lexaeus, Luxord, and Vexen decided to go missing and did not tell anyone where they were going—and since you did such a fantastic job of cleaning the dining room—you guys get to finish the decorating!"
Axel, Naminé, and a thoroughly harassed Roxas blinked up at him, bundled up in their winters best (ski hats (ear muffs in Naminé's case), scarves, sweaters, ski jackets, thermal socks, etc.). Saix drooled down at his superior's ass.
"What kind of decorating?" Axel asked suspiciously.
"The Christmas lights," the silver-haired Nobody replied. "And hanging up all the mistletoe and wreaths and arranging all the Christmas cards we've received—"
"We've never gotten any Christmas cards," Roxas pointed out.
"…Well then you don't have to worry about it, do you?" Xemnas replied with a glare. Roxas scowled. Xemnas continued.
"I'm assuming that the other three—" he was talking about Luxord and the other two "—went out to get the Christmas—from god knows where—so we won't worry about that."
"Excellent thinking, Xemnas," gushed Saix, fluttering his eyelashes once more.
"…Are you sure there's nothing wrong with your eyes?" Xemnas asked with a raised eyebrow.
Saix flushed scarlet. "…Quite positive… it's um, just allergies… uh…"
Axel and Roxas snickered. Saix shot them a withering look.
"What are you three still doing here?" Xemnas said suddenly, his tone scornful. "There's lights to be hung! Wreaths to be nailed to doors! Mistletoe to hang! Tinsel to be thrown around! Snowmen to build!—" Naminé positively beamed at this; she loved building snowmen! "—candles to light! Hurry up and get to it!"
And the three were off.
Later…
"Okay… I think we should split all this stuff up," Axel said once the three were outside. "Roxas and I will hang the Christmas lights… Naminé, you can go do everything else!"
"What? Hell no!" Roxas protested. "That's just an excuse for you to molest me some more!"
"I don't know what you mean," Axel replied innocently.
Roxas growled. "You damn well do—Naminé get back here! Don't leave me alone with him!" And with that, the blonde took off high-speed after the witch, wailing indignant protests the whole way.
Axel sighed. "That's okay… I can always corner him in the hallway after dinner." And with this disturbing thought, the redhead turned back to the pile of lights. He blinked. "Now what the hell am I supposed to do…?"
"Need some help?"
The pyro turned to find Marluxia, also dressed up in ski clothes, shivering and glancing up at the castle nervously.
Axel was unable to keep the smirk from his face. "So you finally managed to get yourself unstuck from the turkey, did ya?"
Normally, the Graceful Assassin would've been enraged by the pyro's cheekiness. But due to the recent (embarrassing) events that had taken place, he instead turned a rather ripe shade of cranberry. "Y-y-you know about that?"
"Dude, everybody knows about that by now. You guys were screaming loud enough for everyone in the next world to hear."
"…Then you can understand why I'm reluctant to continue with Kitchen Duty… Could I help you out instead?"
Axel was snickering now. "Larxene's angry, huh?"
Marluxia winced. "Extremely. So… can I?"
"Sure," Axel shrugged. "I know what it's like to be on the receiving end of her lightening attacks… here, help me untangle these lights…"
Meanwhile, with Roxas and Naminé
"Did you really have to leave me like that?" Roxas whined to Naminé as he dug into the snow. The two of them had decided to make a snowman first before anything else.
"Well… I wasn't trying to be mean or anything, but I think you should hang out with him," Naminé said hesitantly, choosing her words carefully. "I know Axel's a bit… rough around the edges, but he really wouldn't do anything to hurt you. I think that if you worked at it, you two could be really good friends!"
Roxas gave a disbelieving squawk at this.
"I'm serious!" Naminé insisted as she formed the snowman' s head. "This'll be one of the few times you and I will get to see each other… Axel and Demyx are the only ones who are close to our age, and I'm always locked up in my room."
"Demyx doesn't seem too bad," Roxas pointed out as he packed snow onto the lower half of their snowman.
"He's not," Naminé agreed. "But Zexion and Xigbar are always clinging to him—they're pretty possessive about him, if you know what I mean…"
Roxas winced. "Oh… yeah." He still seemed reluctant at the idea of being friends with the pyro.
"Axel's lonely," Naminé said. "He's really not such a bad guy—if you just sit him down and explain that you don't want him to do that, I'm sure he'll stop!"
"I've already told him about a million times today that I didn't want him grabbing my ass! That certainly didn't stop him!"
"He just wants attention—if you become his friend, he'll have all the attention he'll ever need! Then he wouldn't grab you anymore. Wouldn't that be nice?"
Roxas sighed as he helped lift the middle section of the snowman that they'd made onto the lower half. "Yeah, it would… you sure he would stop?"
"Positive," Naminé said firmly as she placed the snowman's head onto the midsection. "He's a bit of a lecher, but he has enough sense to know that when somebody says no, they mean no. You just need to have a good heart-to-heart talk about it with him first before he'll stop."
"…You do realize that we don't have hearts, right, so it'd be impossible for us to have a heart-to-heart—"
"Oh shut up and help me with this head," the witch snapped uncharacteristically, nodding to the snowman's wobbling head.
And then, suddenly, from the distance, they heard this shout:
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, WE HAVE NO EXTENSION CORDS?"
The two blondes looked at each other.
"Sounds like Axel's having fun," Naminé said, unable to keep the smile from her face.
Roxas grinned hesitantly. "Yeah… maybe we should go help him after we finish the snowman…"
Naminé beamed at him.
"NOW WHY THE HELL ARE THEY BLINKING?"
"…Maybe we should hurry—sounds like he's losing his temper," Naminé murmured, frowning now.
"ONE LIGHT GOES OUT, THEY ALL GO OUT!"
"…That'd probably be best," Roxas agreed.
Naminé smiled again. She pulled a scarf and a top-hat out of the cardboard box full of snowmen supplies, jammed the hat onto the snowmen, and draped the scarf around the snowman's head. Roxas pulled out the bag of coal and began making the snowman's face, then added two more in the midsection of the snowman. Naminé stuck a pipe into the snowman's mouth.
"GO GRAB A FLASHLIGHT, I JUST BLEW A FUSE!"
Roxas sighed, and jammed a carrot into the snowman's head, giving a nice, long orange nose.
With that done, the two teens proceeded to walk back to the front of Castle Oblivion, where Axel and Marluxia were attempting to drape the front of it with Christmas lights, bickering amongst themselves as they did so.
"FINE THEN, MARLUXIA—IF YOU'RE SO SMART, YOU HANG UP THE LIGHTS, YOU TURKEY-OBSESSED PERV!"
"I AM NOT! I WAS JUST CLEANING IT OUT!"
4:55 PM—Christmas Eve Late Afternoon
With Xaldin…
Evil Lawn Gnome—noun. 1)cruel entity who resides on lawns; 2) the dwarven lawn decour that whisper evil suggestions into your ear; 3) vertically challenged turf reprobate.
After impressively defeating his arch-nemesis (the dryer), Xaldin decided to take his rampage outside to the courtyard/garden. After all, there were other dangers outside…
"Heeheeheeheeheehee!"
Xaldin whirled around and glared.
"You," he hissed. "I knew all of you would be back."
"Teeheeheeheeheehee!" giggled Demyx's collection of happy little garden gnomes.
"Prepare to meet your makers!" Xaldin shrieked, readying his leaf blower.
…I cannot even begin to describe the horror that followed. Let's just skip to somewhere else…
5:45 PM—Christmas Eve Late Afternoon
With Demyx…
Poor Demyx. He had no idea how long he had been stuck inside the chimney; it seemed like hours. He was cramping up and extremely filthy; this combination resulted in one very unhappy Melodious Nocturne. He dared not call for help, however, lest Zexion or Xigbar should hear him. Well… maybe not Zexion. He didn't mind it quite so much when Zexion molested him… just Xigbar. Still, he decided that it would be better to wait till tomorrow to start screaming for help—he could wait till then.
Unbeknownst to him, he had fallen farther down the chimney than he had thought. His legs could be seen in the fireplace in the library, hanging from the chimney, from the knees down. Also unbeknownst to him, he was not alone in the room.
Zexion studied the legs in the fireplace with a raised eyebrow. 'Well, well, well,' he said to himself. 'What have we here? I do believe it's a certain runaway sitarist…' With a smirk on his face, he silently walked to the fireplace, taking great care not to be heard. He crouched down as quietly as he could, and listened; Demyx was keeping himself occupied by humming loudly. He was completely unaware of his surroundings.
Zexion allowed a very evil, very disturbing grin to spread across his face as he reached out his arms and grasped the blonde's ankles. Demyx squeaked at the unexpected contact—that squeak quickly turned into a shriek when Zexion proceeded to yank the blonde out of the fireplace.
"OW!" the blonde shouted when his head came in contact with the floor, stunned. Zexion took advantage of this and quickly crawled on top of the younger man. Demyx, realizing this, squealed.
"Z-z-zexion! What the hell are you doing?" Demyx wailed, struggling to get out from the older man. His efforts were in vain, however, for Zexion pinned the blonde's arms to the ground, smirking.
"How's your head?" he asked innocently.
Demyx whimpered in reply.
Zexion's smirk grew. "Let me see…" he said, grasping both the younger man's wrists in one hand and using the other to tilt his head forward. He saw no blood, but he just couldn't keep himself from leaning down and nuzzling his nose into that soft, silky blonde hair. Demyx squeaked in dismay; what if somebody walked in on them like this?
"You know, you really shouldn't have run away," Zexion chided as he lowered his arm to caress the younger blonde's flat stomach. "Things would have been so much easier if you had just stayed… You realize I have to punish you now, right?"
"H-huh?" was the blonde's intelligent reply; he was distracted by the pleasant tingles erupting on his stomach, where Zexion was stroking him.
"Mm-hmm," Zexion murmured, nodding as his head moves to nuzzle the blonde's slender neck, his hand moving lower. "Fortunately for you, Xemnas found out about Marluxia and the turkey—" Demyx blinked, having no idea what the other was talking about "—so he sent Xigbar out to go buy some Chinese food. If he'd been the one that found you, he wouldn't be nearly so lenient as I."
"Um… uh… er…" Demyx mumbled, speechless—that hand was very distracting, making his mind feel all fuzzy...
"You know," Zexion murmured as he nipped the blonde's earlobe, earning a pleased gasp from the blonde, "you're quite filthy. I think it'd be best if you got a bath… I'll help wash your back."
"Guh!" was the intelligent reply he received from the puddle of hormonal goo in his arms.
6:21 PM—Christmas Eve Evening
Hollow Bastion (Merlin's House)
Sora scowled and slid further down into his seat, glaring at everybody.
He was certainly not in the Christmas spirit. His black outfit consisted of more black than usual and he was wearing a heavy amount of black eyeliner (which he had stolen from Yuffie). He was moping; his beloved Riku was not with him, leaving him all alone that year. Oh, the tragedy. The heartbreak!
"Sora, stop moping and get over here so we can eat!" Yuffie ordered irritably from the dining table, where everybody else was already seated. "It's Christmas Eve! It's not a time to mope—it's a time to be happy and cheerful!"
"How can I be cheerful when my true love is missing?" Sora wailed back dramatically. "How can I be happy when he's not here beside me? You just don't understand the sorrow of my empty, black heart!"
Cloud sighed and rubbed his temple; why did Sora have to go emo today of all days? Why couldn't he have waited till tomorrow… or the day after that, or whatever?
The blonde suddenly gave a loud squeak when he felt a strong hand clamp down onto his thigh.
"Leon!" he hissed, his face flushing to a vivid scarlet. "Stop! There are people here!"
Beside him, Leon smiled at him disturbingly, and proceeded to move his hand a bit upwards to a certain sensitive part of the blonde's anatomy.
"Can't you wait till after dinner?" Cloud all but wailed, well aware that Aerith was sending them strange looks.
Leon leaned over and whispered in Cloud's ear, his warm breath making the blonde shiver. "I don't think I can wait that long—I want you now."
Cloud sputtered. "Bu… buh… but…"
They were interrupted by Yuffie screaming, "SORA! IF YOU DON'T GET OVER HERE IN ABOUT FIVE SECONDS, I'M REALLY GOING TO GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT!"
Sora was wise enough to know that when Yuffie said this, she really meant it. He wisely ran to the dining table as fast as his legs could carry him, and sat down beside Leon. Yuffie smiled sweetly.
"Goooood," she cooed. "Now let's see... who else is missing…? DONALD! GOOFY! GET OUT OF THAT CLOSET THIS INSTANT! THIS INSTANT, I SAY!"
Five minutes later, the duck and the dog were seated at the table, smiling sheepishly, their clothes thoroughly wrinkled from their activities in the closet.
"…How are you going to explain to Daisy about you and Goofy's little relationship when you go home?" Sora asked Donald curiously with a raised eyebrow.
Donald winced. "I don't wanna think about that right now."
"CID!" Yuffie shrieked. "GET OVER HERE! STOP PLAYING ON YOUR STUPID COMPUTER!"
"I'm not playing woman!" Cid shouted back as he stomped over and sat at one end of the table. "I'm working! If it wasn't for that computer, you could kiss your thieving little ass goodbye!"
Yuffie rolled her eyes. "Whatever… Donald, tell your nephews to get over here! GET AWAY FROM THOSE PRESENTS YOU THREE, OR YOU WON'T BE GETTING ANYTHING FOR CHRISTMAS!"
The three young ducks, who were lurking around the Christmas tree and trying to guess what their presents were, raced over to the table and sat down.
"What did I tell you three about messing with the presents?" Donald asked, glaring at his nephews.
"Sorry Unca' Donald," said Huey.
Donald sighed. "Just don't do it again, Stewie."
"That's Huey, Unca' Donald!" Louie corrected.
"That's what I said, Susie."
Dewey stared. "His name's not Susie, it's Louie!"
"That's what I said, Pewie!"
"HE'S DEWEY!" Huey and Louie shouted, frustrated.
"THAT'S WHAT I SAID!"
"SHUT UP ALREADY!" Aerith screeched uncharacteristically. "WOULD EVERYBODY JUST BE QUIET ALREADY SO WE CAN EAT?"
Everyone fell silent. Aerith had the grace to blush deeply and look sheepish. "Um… sorry for yelling, I just… uh…"
"Don't worry about it, m'dear," Merlin, who was sitting at the opposite end of the table from Cid, said comfortingly. "It's been a stressful day. Let's just enjoy the dinner. You, buffoon—" he glared at Cid, who returned it with full force "—say the blessing. Now."
"Grr…" growled Cid, his fists clenching. "If it wasn't illegal to kill…"
"Duh, I can say it!" Goofy volunteered cheerfully, raising his hand.
"Fine, whatever!" Yuffie, who was very hungry and impatient, said quickly. "Just say it—SORA PUT THAT KNIFE DOWN RIGHT NOW! THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO CUT YOUR WRISTS! WE'RE ABOUT TO EAT, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!"
Sora scowled sulkily and reluctantly dropped his steak knife.
Goofy blinked. "Uh… alright then. Everybody bow your heads." Everyone did so. "Duh, now how did it go again…? Oh yeah! Let us all be thankful for what we got, and let all our problems slide off like snot! Amen!"
And with that, he began to stuff his plate with everything he could reach, sending food detritus everywhere. The others, meanwhile, just stared at him in shock.
"…That was just gross," Leon finally said, wincing. "Goofy, you're not allowed to say the blessing anymore—"
At that moment, out of nowhere, there was a terrific explosion. Bright light exploded from the middle of the room, blinding everyone.
"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?" screeched Yuffie, covering her eyes.
"I'M BLIND! I'M BLIND!" Sora wailed in pain. "AS IF MY LIFE WASN'T BLEAK ENOUGH! NOW I SHALL NEVER BE ABLE TO GAZE AT RIKU'S BEAUTIFUL VISAGE EVER AGAIN! OH, THE HUMANITY!"
None of them stayed blind, however. A few short moments later, their vision cleared, and they were greeted with one of the most terrifying sights they had ever seen.
"MERRY CHRISTMAS!" Xaldin boomed, standing in the middle of the room, holding Cloud's thoroughly molested pet chocobo, Ferdinand, in his arms and surrounded by every single moogle in the whole town, all of whom were drunk as skunks. He was quite a sight to behold, mostly because he was dressed in a Santa Hat… and nothing else.
The Keyblade Master and his friends took one look at the naked Nobody burst into terrified screams.
"OH MY GOD!"
"MY EYES! THEY BURN!"
"IT'S THE ANTI-CHRIST!"
"COVER YOUR EYES, CHILDREN!"
"WHAT IS THAT HANGING BETWEEN HIS LEGS, UNCA DONALD?"
"IT'S MOVING! OH MY GOD, IT JUST WINKED AT ME!"
"FERDINAND! MY PRECIOUS! WHAT'S HE DONE TO YOU?"
Xaldin surveyed the scene of chaos happily, a wide grin on his face. His state of insanity, combined with how everybody was celebrating Christmas, had now led him to believe that he was Santa Clause—or rather, Xaldin Clause. "Now, now, don't worry!" he said cheerfully. "There's enough of me to go around! Everybody's going to get a present." He gestured down southward towards… there. This only caused more fear.
"OH GOD, PLEASE NO!"
"HAVE MERCY!"
"SPARE ME! TAKE THE CHILDREN! THEY'RE EXPENDABLE!" (Huey, Louie, and Dewey glared at their uncle reproachfully.)
"I WANT MY MOMMY!"
Luckily, there was at least one smart person sitting at the table. Cid (after getting over his horrified shock) jumped up began ushering everybody to the door, shouting, "RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!"
And they did, leaving Xaldin, Ferdinand the Chocobo ("FERDINAND!" Cloud wailed dramatically while Leon dragged him out of the house), and the drunk moogles alone in the room.
Xaldin clucked his tongue disapprovingly. "Now, that's not very nice. Looks like they all go on my naughty list… and naughty children need to be punished, don't they my pretties?"
"Oh ya, ya!" cheered the drunk moogles. "Severely punished, kupo! Ya!"
"They need to be taught a lesson, don't they?" Xaldin continued, a disturbing smile on his face.
"Ya, ya! Taught a lesson, kupo!"
"They'll learn to obey the mighty Xaldin Clause, won't they?"
"Ya, ya! Obey!"
"Then let us give chase!"
"Ya, ya! Chase! Kupo!"
Xaldin held Ferdinand the Chocobo up to his eyes. "What do you think?"
"Wark…" Ferdinand said feebly, twitching a bit.
"FANTASTIC!" Xaldin shouted happily, taking the bird's reply as some sort of confirmation. "LET'S GO!"
And with that, they set off after the fleeing heroes.
7:00 PM—Christmas Dinner
Castle Oblivion Dining Room
So there everybody (except for Xaldin, who was still MIA) sat, at the table, surrounded by hundreds of cartons of Chinese food. Everyone had seemingly (if, for some, unintentionally) paired up into groups—Saix and Xemnas were at one end of the table, Naminé, Axel, and Roxas (who had taken Naminé's advice, and was quite surprised to find that Axel WAS an extremely cool guy) at the other end, then Zexion with Demyx in his lap, then Luxord and Xigbar (who was glaring at Zexion evilly), then Lexaeus and Vexen—who wasn't actually sitting down, but was instead standing behind the giant, wincing—and then Marluxia and Larxene (both of whom looked extremely uncomfortable).
"Well," Xemnas finally said, trying to ease away from clinging Saix, "I know that this… isn't exactly the dinner I had planned on, but due to certain events—" he sent Marluxia a withering look; the Graceful Assassin had the grace to look embarrassed "—this meal will have to suffice. We DO have wonderful brownies, an apple pie, and a chocolate cake to look forward to after the meal, however, so the meal will not completely consist of take-out…"
Larxene grinned to herself, proud of her mad cooking skillz.
"And despite Xaldin's absence, we are still going caroling after dinner—" Xemnas ignored everyone's unhappy groans "—and tomorrow will be the usual exchanging of gifts and such, and also…" He continued to ramble on, quite unaware that everyone was tuning him out.
"Zexion," Demyx muttered, his face growing redder by the minute as he felt the other members stare, "is this really necessary? There's an extra chair over in the corner that I could sit in…"
"But I like you sitting on my lap," Zexion purred, nuzzling the blonde's neck. "Don't you like sitting on my lap? Or do I have to punish you some more…? Have you forgotten that whip over in the corner?"
Demyx's eyes widened in alarm. He glanced back at the direction of the whip's hiding place. "No, not Mr. Punishment…" he whimpered.
Zexion chuckled evilly, his grip around the blonde's waist tightening. "Yes. Mr. Punishment."
"I'll be good… I like sitting in your lap…" the blonde whimpered; his butt was still a bit sore from his previous punishment session. (It should be noted that he hadn't completely despised the session—after the first couple of spankings, he found it all to be quite enjoyable. But I digress…)
"That's good. You're a good Demyx," Zexion purred, giving the blonde's butt an appreciative pat. The blonde winced, but squirmed in pleasure all the same.
Xigbar scowled and glared at Zexion, seething. 'If looks could kill…'
"AXEL!" Roxas wailed, slapping the pyro's offending hand away from a certain area between his legs.
The fiery haired man smiled sheepishly. "Hehe, sorry! You know what they say—old habits are hard to break… Oh look! Mistletoe!" He pointed up to the plant hanging innocently above them.
Roxas's eyes narrowed. "Wait a second, we didn't hang any mistletoe there—" he was silenced when Axel's lips clamped down firmly over his own. He struggled against the older Nobody for a few moments before finally giving up and allowing himself to give in to the kiss—he was quite surprised when he found that he actually enjoyed it. Axel smirked smugly against his lips.
"Aww, they make a nice couple," Lexaeus remarked to no one in particular.
And indeed they did. They certainly did.
8:32 PM—Christmas Eve Evening
Hollow Bastion—Christmas Caroling
Xemnas sighed and pulled his coat tighter around himself. "Come on, everybody!" he called over his shoulder. "The longer we stall, the more time we'll spend out here in the cold!"
The remaining twelve Nobodies hurried after him. They were all bundled up in their warmest clothes, as well as the Santa hats that Xemnas forced them to wear. All of them were shivering—except for Vexen, of course, because he controlled the element ice, so he was quite used to the frigid temperature.
"I hate this!" Larxene hissed through chattering teeth. "I hate singing! I hate making people happy! Why can't we just go on a bloodthirsty rampage, like normal villains? It's too cold to be doing this!"
"Y-y-you think YOU'RE having a b-bad time?" Axel snapped, his teeth chaptering so hard he could barely speak. "How d-d-do y-you think t-that I f-f-f-feel?" Since he controlled fire, he was more sensitive to the cold than the others. Out of everyone else, he was bundled up the most—Xemnas thought he resembled some sort of clothes monster.
"You weren't cold earlier when you were putting up the lights," Roxas pointed out with a raised eyebrow.
"T-t-the temperature's g-gone down s-since then," Axel stammered back, hugging himself for warmth.
"COME ON, PEOPLE!" Xemnas shouted impatiently. "There's too much to do, we don't have time to stand around like this!"
And so, the large group meandered down the streets of Hollow Bastion (or Radiant Garden, whichever you'd like to call it… even though at this point, everybody was still calling it Hollow Bastion… whatever), freezing their asses off, cursing their leader under their breaths—except for Saix, who looked at The Superior with complete adoration—and looking completely miserable.
"Ah! Our first audience!" Xemnas crowed suddenly, pointing. The other members looked in the direction that his finger was pointing in and stared; he was pointing at the Keyblade Master and his lackeys… all of whom appeared to be crouching behind a large pile of construction equipment.
"Merry Christmas!" Xemnas boomed enthusiastically, striding towards them with his arms spread wide open.
"Ssshh!" Sora hissed, putting his finger to his lips. "Be quiet! He might hear you and find us!"
Xemnas stopped and blinked. "Who?"
"The… The thing! The monster! The it! That psycho guy! We've been hiding from him for hours!"
Xemnas raised one delicate silver eyebrow (Saix swooned behind him, sighing dreamily). "Ah… sounds to me like this big, bad monster just needs some Christmas spirit!"
"Believe you me," Sora said tiredly, "he's got more than enough." His friends nodded furiously behind him.
"You can say that again," muttered Leon, pulling Cloud closer to him and nuzzling against his neck. The blonde flushed, all too aware of the stares they were receiving from the Organization members.
"Nonsense!" Xemnas laughed. "You can never have enough Christmas spirit! Organization—gather 'round!"
Grumbling mutinously, the twelve Nobodies did as commanded.
"No, please—" Yuffie squealed, looking around the street frantically.
Xemnas ignored her. "Alright, everyone," he shouted, smiling at his terrified audience, "let's turn these frowns upside down!"
Sora and his friends whimpered pathetically.
Xemnas cleared his throat. "Okay people—let's start with Axel's song as a warm-up, then we'll work our way up from there…"
"But the song doesn't include the names of all the members," Demyx pointed out. "And it doesn't rhyme that well in some parts—"
"It includes the important ones," Xemnas snapped. "And the lyrics rhyme perfectly well, thank you very much! So, if nobody else has anymore interruptions—" he looked around questioningly; no one else spoke up "—then let's start singing! Alright everybody—here we go!"
And they all began to sing.
"You know Xemnas and Saix and Xigbar and Demyx… Zexion and Roxas and Luxord and Vexen! But do you recall… the most famous psycho of all?"
Cue dramatic pause. Sora and his comrades looked terrified. The Nobodies burst into song.
"Axel the Red-Haired Psycho! Had some very shiny hair! And if you ever saw it… you'd be in for a scare—"
"See, I told you that doesn't fit right!" Demyx interrupted with a whine.
"STOP COMPLAINING YOU PIECE OF CRAP AND GET BACK TO SINGING!" Xemnas shrieked.
So they all continued to sing. And somewhere out in Christmas Town, Rudolph keeled over and died.
The carols continued. After "Axel the Red-Haired Psycho," they moved on to "Silent Night" (the lyrics were changed a bit to talk about darkness and death and other such things, which Sora enjoyed), "God Rest Ye Merry Nobodies", and then "Away In Oblivion." They were in the middle of "The Twelve Nobody Days of Christmas" when IT happened.
"…seven scythes a swinging, six sitars playing—"
"HOHOHO! Merry Christmas!"
Everyone looked up—and began to scream in utter terror. For there, standing on the roof of the Accessory shop, stood Xaldin—stark naked (save for his santa hat), surrounded by drunk moogles, with Ferdinand the Chocobo in one arm.
"FERDINAND!" Cloud wailed.
"OH. MY. GOD!" Larxene shrieked, looking like she was going to be sick.
Xemnas didn't look any better. "XALDIN! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? GO PUT SOME CLOTHES ON! YOU'RE FRIGHTENING THE CHILDREN!"
Vexen hastily covered Roxas and Naminé's eyes, to spare them further torture of having to stare up at the naked Nobody.
Xaldin smiled happily, oblivious to the horror he was causing. "I'm spreading joy, Xemnas!" he said, answering The Superior's question. "Just like you wanted! And what better way to spread joy than to share this—" he gestured down southward to his… friend… "—with everyone in town?"
"THAT'S NOT SPREADING JOY!" Xemnas shrieked. "THAT'S SPREADING TERROR!"
"My eyes!" Demyx wailed, burying his face into Zexion's chest.
Zexion winced and tore his eyes away from the vision of horror before them. "Don't look, Demyx!" he said, burying his face into his lovers' hair.
"Nonsense!" Xaldin boomed, laughing heartily. "Now then, who wants to go first?"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" shrieked everyone down below.
"Please! Spare us!" Yuffie sobbed.
"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Xaldin cackled, looking down at Sora and his friends. "Now, now! All of you have been very naughty, running away from Xaldin Clause like that! My helpers and I—" he gestured down to the drunken moogles "—agree that you need to be punished. I do believe a good spanking for each of you is in order…" And with that, he whipped out… well, a whip.
Cid's eyes widened in horror. "Oh hell no…" he stammered.
Xaldin was positively beaming. "So, who would like to go first?" he leered, cracking his whip in the air.
Sora became terrified. With a shriek of "MOMMY!", he jumped up and began to run away as fast as his legs would carry him. He didn't get very far, unfortunately, as the end of Xaldin's whip curled around his ankle. With a harsh tug, the Keyblade master was jerked back. He found himself flying back towards the object of his terror.
"GOD HAVE MERCY!" he screeched as he landed in the crazed Nobody's arms.
"NO! PLEASE! HE'S JUST A CHILD!" Leon shouted—Sora was like a little brother to him, and he hated to see this happen… Although he was very happy that none of this was happening to him…
"PUT MY CHOCOBO DOWN, YOU SICK FREAK!" Cloud shrieked. He didn't care about what was happening to Sora. His chocobo was much more important!
"MY LIFE CANNOT POSSIBLY GET ANY WORSE!" Sora howled miserably. "WHERE'S AN EXTRA SHARP RAZER BLADE WHEN YOU NEED ONE?"
"DAMMIT, SORA, COULD YOU STOP BEING EMO, EVEN FOR ONE SECOND?" Yuffie shrieked irritably. "HONESTLY! I'D BE MORE CONCERNED WITH GETTING AWAY FROM THAT MONSTER!"
Sora burst into tears. "You just don't understand my pain!" He began screaming in terror, however, when he saw that Xaldin was getting ready to start spanking him.
"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Xaldin cackled. "FEEL MY WRATH!" He whipped his arm back, and—
"HOHOHOHOHO! MERRY CHRISTMAS!"
Startled, everyone looked up. At first, they didn't see anything. Then they heard the gentle chimes of jingle bells. And then, in the distance, they saw a sleigh, being pulled by reindeer, flying through the air, headed straight towards them. And sitting in the sleigh was none other than—
"SANTA!" Sora squealed happily, squirming around in his captor's arms gleefully. "YOU'VE COME TO RESCUE ME!"
The sleigh landed, pulling to a stop in front of the unfortunate group.
"You've come to rescue us!" Sora repeated happily, his eyes shining hopefully. Santa blinked at him.
"What the hell gave you that idea?" he snapped irritably (Sora blinked right back at him). "I'm here because yet another deranged FREAK—" he gestured to Xaldin with a shudder "—is trying to take my place as Father Christmas! Do you know how annoying that is? Now I've gotta kick his psychotic butt so he can stop spreading terror and horror among the innocent girls and boys—not to mention the poor readers. I'm quite certain their IQ levels are now single digits. Also, I'm here to prevent the authoress from abusing the CAPS LOCK button further." He glared up at the sky as he said this last part.
The sky flashed dangerously. "Oh, don't make such a fuss—you're abusing it, and you know it," Santa snapped up at the sky.
Somewhere up in the real world, the authoress sulked, glaring at the computer screen moodily.
"Um, excuse me?" the ever observant Goofy spoke up suddenly. "Duh, correct me if I'm wrong, but if you're here to kick Xaldin's butt, wouldn't you still be rescuing us?"
"Oh shut up, and sink back into obscurity, you duck-molesting mutt," Santa snapped.
"Sheesh, SOMEBODY'S in a bad mood," Yuffie muttered under her breath to Aerith. Unfortunately, Ol' St. Nick heard her.
"You'd be angry too if somebody was trying to steal your job and twist to suit their own freakish needs every second of the holiday season!" the fat man in red snapped peevishly.
Yuffie held up her hands. "Okay, okay. Jeeze, sorry I said anything…"
Vexen, meanwhile, was having himself a mild nervous breakdown—the reindeer were leering at him suggestively. They still seemed to remember him quite fondly. Lexaeus patted his back sympathetically while Luxord snickered.
"You!" Santa suddenly shrieked, pointing an accusing finger at Xaldin. "How dare you try to take my job?! I am the Santa around here, young man! I am the ORIGINAL, understand? There's not a soul in existence who can do my job better than me!"
Xaldin was not impressed. "Oh really? Don't you think you're getting a little too old for your job, Grandpa? And anyway, I deliver something much better than toys…" He leered at Sora lecherously. The Keyblade Master whimpered in fear.
Santa blinked once more. "…That's just nasty," he said finally. "You really are a sick bastard, and you must be stopped!" And with that, he yanked out the ultimate weapon… an abnormally large candy cane, with an extra pointy end.
"I think my IQ just dropped about twenty levels," Zexion remarked to no one in particular.
"Shoot, with all the crap that's been going on in this fic, my IQ's already in the negatives," Marluxia sighed.
"Your IQ was already in the negatives, you sick, twisted, turkey-molester," Larxene snapped back.
"I was just cleaning it out!" the Graceful Assassin wailed indignantly.
The rest of the Organization (save for Xaldin, who was busy yanking his lances out of inappropriate places, thus scarring Sora's mind even further) shot him disbelieving looks. Marluxia sulked unhappily.
"Keep an eye on my new love slave!" Xaldin ordered the drunk moogles, tossing the now babbling Sora at them.
"Ya, ya! We watch! Kupo!" cheered the drunk moogles.
Ferdinand the Chocobo gave a feeble 'wark' as he was tossed aside as well.
"Ferdinand!" wailed Cloud.
And with that, Santa and Xaldin began to attack each other.
Now, as much as I would like to describe the carnage that ensued, this fic is meant to be presented in a manner befitting good, wholesome family entertainment (well… sorta… I guess the turkey thing was really wholesome… or the reindeer incident… or the whole 'Xaldin-going-crazy' bits… or the groping session… well, everything in this fic in general isn't really wholesome, I guess…).
The scenes of battle that happened during the fight depict gut-wrenching, hour-long scenes of horror that would make this one-shot even more obscenely longer than it already is, as Xaldin (with his six lances that were pulled out of unmentionable places) and Santa (with his over-grown and abnormally pointy candy cane, and his other holiday-spirited weapons of choice, like the hot chocolate and tree ornaments) proceed to duke it out in an all out war of pure, unadulterated Christmas warfare. With a heavy heart, I must say that I am forbidden to write (er… type) these action-packed scenes down, as they are to graphic and grisly for the more delicate and weak-hearted readers.
The screams and blood don't really have anything to do with it—it's more because of the hot chocolate. Oh, the hot chocolate. Splashing around everywhere, along the walls, the ground, the buildings, like blood… burning into skin and splashing into sensitive eyes mercilessly, bringing forth scream after scream… And the tinsel. Spraying everywhere with every hit, falling wetly to the ground not unlike that of internal organs being discharged from the human body… And the drunk moogles, flying through the air with drunken cries of "KUPO!"… No, readers, you just don't want to read about it. The scenes of horror that followed are simply the kind of things that you just can't un-read.
More importantly, the onlookers (that is, the remaining member of the Organization and Sora's comrades) made several highly inappropriate and crude jokes about candy canes and whips and Santa's present bag. They were the kinda jokes that you'd hear on one of those adult-only comedy channels—much too inappropriate for a T-rated fic!
I do sincerely apologize for the inconvenience, and we shall now return to this piece of madness that I call a fanfic. Thank you.
The two groups stood there, staring around at the scene of carnage in shock.
Larxene was the first to speak. "Well… that was horrible."
And indeed it was. Buildings had crashed down in the fray, walls had crumbled, and construction equipment was strewn around. In the midst of it all lay Santa and Xaldin, both of lay unconscious, completely tired out.
"…You know, I'm not in the mood for caroling anymore," Xemnas remarked tiredly. "In fact, I'm not in a very Christmas-y mood anymore, either. Come along everybody… let's grab Xaldin and go back home… Saix, be sure to call that shrink as soon as we get back, would you?"
And with that, the fourteen Nobodies all traipsed away, with Xaldin being lugged away by his arms, courtesy of Lexaeus.
Sora whimpered; he had not moved from his position from the ground, not once.
"…Sora?" Aerith said kindly, bending down beside the boy. "Are you okay? Do you need anything?"
"…I want my mommy…" sobbed the broken boy. Aerith sighed.
Yuffie shuddered. "I don't know about you guys, but after all the crap that's just happened, I think I need to get drunk… REALLY drunk."
"That sounds good," Cloud sighed, walking over and picking up Ferdinand the Chocobo, who had also fallen unconscious.
Leon agreed, and then so did everyone else. Cid hoisted up Sora, and everyone proceeded to walk back to Merlin's house, fully intent on getting drunk out of their minds to forget about the horrible incidents that occurred.
Santa, meanwhile, was left their amongst the wreckage, while his team of reindeer proceeded to have a huge group orgy with the few drunken moogles that had survived the battle… but we won't get into that.
And that would forever be known as the worst Christmas EVER, in the history of all Christmases. Because nobody that witnessed it ever fully recovered from the events, oh no. In fact, Vexen is still going through therapy, and turkey has never been served for dinner in Castle Oblivion again, because everyone's too scared that Marluxia would do something inappropriate to it.
And Sora, if possible, became even more emo than before—until he and Riku were reunited again, on that one episode of Jerry Springer where that Ku Klux Klan guy got the snot beat out of him by that gay Jewish black dude… but that's another story all together.
"You know," Demyx remarked that night in Zexion's bedroom, as he and the Cloaked Schemer lay in bed after a three hour session of humping like rabbits, "after all of this, I'd hate to see what New Year's will be like… and Valentine's Day… and—"
"Don't!" Zexion shrieked, clapping a hand on his love bunny's mouth. "Don't even finish that sentence, Demyx! God knows we don't need to be jinxed… we don't want to give the psychotic authoress anymore ideas…"
Hehehe. It's too late for that, Zexy boy. Too late for that…
Owari
…Damn. Just… Damn. I honestly did not expect this fic to be this long. Seriously! But… I just couldn't stop typing. And I think the ending kinda sucked, but I was running out of inspiration, and I wanted to get this out in time for Christmas. I just barely made the deadline, which isn't half bad! I'm kinda proud of myself, actually…
So, uh… yeah. Review. Like, right now. Tell me if ya love it, or hate it. If I've successfully managed to lower your IQ, if I've scarred you for life, or whatever. But please, don't bother to flame. I'll take constructive criticism, but nothing like 'OMG YOU R LYKE SO STUPID U WRITE GAY PRON!!1!!ONE!!!SHIFT+1!!!' Because that's REALLY annoying.
And oh yeah… MERRY CHRISTMAS! YOU SILLY LITTLE WORM BABIES, YOU!