And if you cared about her – at all – you'd get out of her life. Forever.
The words Zig had spoken, echoed inside of Cam's head. It was like they were tattood to the inside of his brain, he couldn't get it out of his head. It just keept playing on replay, over and over again, going in loops. It played together with everything else that had happened that day, and the day prior, like one big movie.
Stop being so selfish! Hockey is more important than your stupid junior high drama. The whole team is coutning on you, Cam. You! Get your head on man! And stop crying where everyone can see you, it's embarrasing.
He shook his head, trying to shake the memories off, but he failed miserably. He was sitting in the green house at the school while everyone had lunch. The reason why he wasn't in school with everyone else was because he was expelled for a week, after he had attacked Zig.
You went crazy.
Maya. He had forgotten to tell her that he couldn't meet her for lunch today. Not after the little collision he had, had with Zig less than 5 minutes ago. The thing was, Zig was right. He was a psycho. Maya didn't deserve him. And she would be much better off without him in her life.
The thought had crossed his mind before. Ending it all. But he had never been able to take the final step. He felt like he at least owed it to his family. But they were hundred miles away, and he felt so alone in the empty green house.
Everything had went downhill after he had returned from visiting his family. He has now sure that Dallas hated him. Maya too. And also Zig – not like that was any surprise, but it was more than Cam could take. He wasn't used to people hating him. Back home he had friends, and he got a long well with everyone. But here, at Degrassi, it was different. He felt left out by the Hockey team, and he didn't felt like they disliked him. And everyone from the school only wanted to be his friends because he was known as the "young talented, rising hockey star". The only one who didn't seem to care was Maya. And now he had messed it all up.
He closed his eyes, and took a deep breath. Then he got his phone out of his pocket and texted Maya.
"I'm not coming. Sorry. It's over."
She would think he meant their relationship, but actually he was talking about his own life.
He took in another deep breath and wiped the freshly fallen tears off his cbeeks. He then opened his hockey bag and got out one of his skates. He was supposed to go to Hockey Practice today, after school, but plans had changed...
He remember when he had accidently hurt himself with the skate, after throwing it across the lockers room. He remembered how good it had felt – the pain. But he had quickly brushed the thought away, ashamed of himself for even thinking that. But it had actually helped him clear his head, because when he was focused on the pain he wouldn't be able to overthink everything or panic.
He also remembered the time he had jumped down from the railing and broken his arm. He had done it so he could spend more time with Maya and skip hockey.
Yes, this felt like a good way to end it. Like it had started. With hockey.
Thankfully it was Spirit Week and he knew no one would be using the green house for the whole week. And more importantly, no one would be around before in at least 4 hours when the students would be leaving the school.
He rolled up the sleves of his hoodie and closed his eyes. So this is it, he thought to himself.
And before he could begin to have second thoughts or chicken out, he slid the blade of his skate across his skin. Then one more time. And again. He started doing it more and more aggressively. Until he was hacking the blade into his arm. He kept going until the blood was dripping down on the floor and he was starting to get lightheaded. He wouldn't be able to do it on his other arm, but he this arm would be enough. He was losing enough blood to die, soon.
He slowly slipped down on to the floor and rested his back against a wall. He then closed his eyes and waited.