"No, it's fine, Roger. Near can be L's successor. I'm going to leave the orphanage. I'll live my life my own way." I couldn't believe what I was saying. Leave? How could I leave my home? How could I let my pride get the better of me?
I left the room before I could hear the sound of Roger's protest. All I was thinking was that L was dead. I believed that I had to figure it out all on my own. I don't know why though. Back then, I had pretty much no money to a name that no one even knew in the first place, and no one to count on... well, except Matt. But then, he was only fourteen and couldn't really help me for another year. I was fourteen then too, but in eight days, I would be fifteen, and free. I was pretty much able to leave Wammy's at anytime.
I went back to my room to pack my bag. I gathered the few things that held importance to me and set them on my desk. I felt really weird that day. Not only because my idol had gone down in flames, but there was something else. I didn't know, it was just a feeling. If only that's all it was...
As soon as I set the last thing on my desk, I heard a noise. I stopped what I was doing and listened as the already-quiet sound became clearer. It was the cliched "pitter patter" of stockingfeet hurrying to my room. I turned around, expecting to find an exasperated Matt trying to convince me to stay. But it was the last person I expected to show up. Near.
Wow, I thought, look what the cat dragged in. I raised my eyebrows at him, giving him a dirty look. When my look was not returned in any form whatsoever, I looked straight at him, I mean really looked at him, and was surprised. So surprised that I dropped my bag I was holding. He wasn't looking at me, he was looking inside me, in way. The strap caught on the table and brought a couple of things to the floor with it. Some books, a Gameboy and games, plus a stack of pictures scattered at Near's feet. He reached down quickly and scooped up the pictures and pulled off the rubber band holding them together. All the pictures featured Matt and me starting from the time we were both very young. There was no one else in those pictures- I spent my time with no one but Matt. Other kids at the House would talk to me a little, with feigned interest. But all of those lost conversations and unconcerned congratulations were lies. I was always number two, no one ever cared about me. Why did he?
As he leafed through the pictures, I felt my face heat with anger and embarassment [but mostly anger] and I saw his morph into a twisted grin. He looked up at me when he was finished and the strange grin melted away. I could never get over how strange this boy was, he was even stranger than I was then. His face held no emotion as he stared at me. At that moment the only thing I felt about that face was anger. I balled my fists tightly and spoke as calmly as I could, considering how mad I was.
"Give them back," I started confidently, looking my nemesis in the eyes. "You've taken enough from me," I added quietly to the side. He didn't give any sign that he'd heard me. But he probably did.
"Here." His face held that damn grin again. It was really weird that I had no idea what it meant.
As soon as I grabbed the pictures from him, his arm shot straight up to his hair. His worst habit. I wonder how many people he annoyed by twirling his hair like that. It was one of his idiosyncrasies that irked me to complete frustration, but, he probably never even noticed.
He seemed to be immersed in deep thought, as he often was, and tilted his head down. I still didn't understand why he was there, but I guessed he came either to thank me [unlikely], or to persuade me to stay and work with him [possible, but unlike Near]. I studied his small form until I noticed some little specks of wetness on the floor. Holy shit, I thought, Is he crying?
There was a dead silence as he wiped a sleeve-covered hand across his face. I heard a loud crack of thunder and the following downpour pounding the roof. Then Near reached back to lightly push my door shut, closing us off from the kids flocking through the hallway to flee the rain that suddenly poured down on their playtime.
"Wh-," Why are you here? I started when Near started shaking. Not violently, but just enough to let me know that he was crying. I knew that he was upset, but I couldn't see his face. Something was wrong. Even more wrong than L dying. Near wouldn't - couldn't cry. One of the main reasons he bothered me so much was that no matter what he'd done, no matter what great feat he achieved, no matter how many times I picked on him, he never really showed much emotion. He had passion-sure, but he didn't show sadness or happiness most of the time. Until now.
"I'm here because I need to talk to you." He looked up at me and I saw a bruised soul. His usual calculating, stoic gaze was replaced by wide eyes reddened with pain. My hatred melted away in one silent moment. No one understood emotion like I did. Even though I always hid it on the inside, my emotions always got the better of me. I was always impulsive- and I always cared about what other people thought, even if I paid it no mind afterwards. But kindness was a completely new thing for my cold, secluded self.
"Um, are you okay? Is it about L?"
"No. Well... kind of, but mostly it's about you." Well, okay, I thought, What could it be? "Of course we're all shaken up about L. But... I never thought that... what would hurt me the most is that you'll...," his voice broke off and he looked down. He became silent and the crying stopped.
I was beginning to see what was happening. Shit, I thought, he can't mean that he's in- no, it can't be. I tried to convince myself that that was not the case, but I knew better. Surely he knew that I already had someone. I loved Matt, I always had- how could I not? He'd been there for me always, when no one else was. That's why I bullied the others. Especially Near.
But, somehow, with Near in front of me like that... I saw another side of him, one I never knew existed. It was strange, there I was, feeling emotions other than hate and annoyance for him. For Near.
When he tilted his head back up at me, the old Near was back. Except for a different look in his eyes, earnest and stubborn. He looked at me and I was taken aback by his face. Even though he was two years younger than I was, he seemed older to me. his boyish look seemed to mature and I saw the lonliness hidden there. Even though it seemed he had it all and knew where he belonged, all he needed was someone to belong to. But, I thought, I can't be that to him. Someone else, not me. But that was it, there was no one else, not for him. And that was his lonliness. He needed someone who could match his cold justice with impulsive emotion. I was the black, he was the white, yin and yang. But his useless quest left him alone, with only puzzles, games, and computer screens for company.
"Mello," his voice was frayed at the edges, betraying his strong exterior, "before you go,... I love you."
Before he could say any more, I had him pinned to the wall. I leaned over him so my face was close enough to his that I could feel the change of pace in his breath.
"Really?" I asked mockingly, "Are you sure? You know me." I don't know what I was asking for, or why I was egging him on. Maybe...no, it couldn't be.
In answer, his lips pressed to mine. My eyes widened, but I quickly got into it, moving my hands down to his waist. I felt his hands grasping at my back, holding onto the black fabric of my shirt. Then, all of a sudden, I grabbed the back of his head by the hair and deepened the kiss. My actions were powered by pure need, the need for someone that I never even intended to think of in this way. The need for someone I didn't even know I'd need. All I felt was the heat of his cheeks on mine and his heartbeat. All I heard was the sound of his rough exhales between kisses.
Within seconds, I brought him to the floor, pinning him with my hands on his wrists and my knees on either side of his waist. My hair fell onto his pale face as I stared at him. I never noticed. How could I not notice him in this way? Maybe I was blinded by hate. Maybe I blocked out any thought of him beyond those of finally beating him, because before now, whenever I thought of Near, I didn't see a person, I saw a face and a number. He returned my stare with a look of both happiness and misery. There was a smile on his face, but a soft, sad gleam in his eyes.
"I know exactly what I'm doing. And it's not fair to you," he looked to the side, "I'm sorry." No, it wasn't fair, but at that moment, I didn't care. I could love him too right? Wait, love?
"Don't say that," I breathed into his neck, making him shudder beneath me. I removed my hands from his wrists and moved them down him, only just caressing the body I never seemed to take notice of before now. I started to fiddle with the bottons on Near's shirt, but my hands were pushed away.
"No." And with that, his arms locked around me and pulled my body to his. We stayed like that, with his mouth next to my ear so I could hear every breath. Why? I asked myself. Why do this to Near, Matt, and myself? The answer was simple: I couldn't help it. My emotions took over, but, my mind knew exactly what I was doing. What did that mean? I was so confused. But it was only then, when Near confessed, did I realize how much he meant to me.
When a little more than a half-hour passed, Near had already helped me pack. He leaned against my wall, and I stood at the window, watching the rain fall outside. Then, his voice broke the silence.
"I'm sure you know that after today, the old routine resumes." I turned around to face him, sorting out what he'd just said.
"You mean, we go back to being enemies." Somehow, the suggestion seemed right to me, despite all I'd just felt.
"Yup," he smiled, and the boyish face I knew returned, "You know it could never be any different with us."
"Huh," I thought about this and realized that he was right. If Near was beside me instead of ahead of me, how could I push myself forward to become better? It seemed I needed him in that way as well. But also...
"Near," I called. He sighed in acknowledgment and turned back to me. "Well, um, I love you." He smiled back at me with a quick blush. I walked back over to him slowly, with a smile on my lips.
"Come 'ere," I grabbed him by the collar and pulled him the rest of the way to me. "Oh God, I hate you," I smiled mockingly before I gave him that last kiss.
The kiss was quick, but forceful on both our parts. Well, it was the first and last time. Once our mouths came apart, he looked at me straight on in true Near fashion. And of course, I scowled at him.
"You twit," I teased, "Such a goddamn goody two shoes."
"You'll grow up one day." I watched Near's back as he opened the door. I followed him to the threshold and saw Matt at the end of the hallway. How ironic. Near stepped out and started up the hall, then he stop and turned his head.
"You know, don't forget to burn those pictures when you leave," he winked and turned back.
"Damn him," I muttered to myself. I thought of those pictures and the sentimental value. But, in the end, like always, Near was right. I would burn them, but not right then. At that moment, Matt walked in and smiled sadly. I guess he'd already heard that I was leaving.
"Oh, you're already packed," he gazed around blankly at the empty desktop, "I wanted to help. Oh, well. By the way, was that Near just now?"
I nodded as I walked over to my bag. You know what? I thought, Screw Near. I may need him around, but I have my perfect match right here. I picked it up and dumped the contents onto my bed and waved Matt over to help repack.
"Yeah, he came by to say bye," I laughed, "Can you believe it?" He laughed as well in response, continuing to play his hand held game as he walked over. As soon as he sat on the bed, I snatched the game from his hands. Then, he looked down at the pictures of us.
"Oh, look at these old pict-," he started but was cut short by my hands lingering on his. I gazed right into his eyes, and Matt blushed a bit.
"I love you." And I'm happy.
AN: Hello! This was the first fanfic I ever wrote. I wrote it 2 years ago. But now it is heavily edited and only about 1/3 of the original lives on in this version. When I wrote the 1st version I thought it was hot shizz... but that was not so. T^T... I know Mello and Near are a bit OOC, but I really needed this story to work out! Please review! If there's anything you guys think I could improve on, please let me know! Thanks for reading! ^.^ Till next! ~Akashi