Disclaimer: I don't own DA in any way and make no money off this

AN: This is my HeadCanon for a Mage!Hawk who hates mages. Also warning this is in fist person PoV and takes place sometime randomly in Act II with Hawk and Co bringing some random group of Mages to the Gallows.

I could feel their eyes on my back, all three of them, knew they wanted an answer the question was would any of them be willing to speak up and say something. Or rather I was waiting to see how long it would take him to speak up, because I knew it would be him. It was always him when it came to mages.

"Why did you do it?"

And there it was. I resisted the urge to smirk at being right not that it was hard, not in this case. I could nearly feel the way the other two in the boat tensed behind me, but ignored it: I knew this had been coming. "Why?" I questioned the healer glancing down at my own hands flexing them as if I could still feel the magic of my last spell running through them.

"They are just like you. How could you do that to them? How could you send them there when you wouldn't stay yourself?"

It was a demand now, but that didn't bother me not when I had long ago known the reason for myself. "Mother would be alone." a simple seeming answer maybe, but I was sure none of them realized just how much it had ruled my life.

"I remember what it was like always having to watch out for the Templars in Lothering. We learned what they all looked like even without their armor so when knew when to hide. It was not a good way to grow up always being scared, but it was what I knew." I could hear the slight clink of armor as the templar guiding the boat shifted, but ignored it he wanted the answer too and I knew it.

"As I grew older though I came to see that it wasn't just us suffering, it was Carver and Mother too. Carver had to be careful who he played with with Bethany incase she used her magic because if he played with the wrong people they would tell and the Templars would come to take Bethany away and could very well find me or Father." I clenched my hands before lifting my gaze to the water around the boat trying to soothe the anger these thoughts brought me.

"No child should have to live like we three did. Scared of shadows, scared or our dreams, and scared of everyone around us all because of how we were born. We didn't chose this. Mother did, but we didn't get any choice in who our parents were. She took up with a mage though and with how strongly magic runs in our family well it's only a wonder Carver didn't get it too." I could feel the rueful smile twist my mouth, but knew the others couldn't see it with my back to them.

"Once I was old enough to really understand though I did consider it. I did wonder if it wouldn't be better if I just turned myself in, Bethany too and Father. If I did that though Mother and Carver would be alone and I couldn't do that. Mother was too old to look after the house alone and Carver was to young to be expected to so I didn't do it." a humorless chuckle found its way out at that as I once more remembered my own childish thoughts.

"The next time I considered turning myself in I nearly did so, I nearly turned us all in, but then Father died. She was so heart broken I couldn't do that to her, I couldn't take us away right after she lost Father like that so again I let myself resist the urge. And then the blight came and everything was destroyed. We lost our home, our friends, and even Bethany to those Darkspawn but I knew we were coming here we were coming to family and it would be ok." I couldn't have helped the bitter tone in my last words if I tried to.

"It was 'ok' alright. We found her brother had spent all the money and given away the house. I didn't care about those things for myself and I knew Carver didn't, but I wanted them for Mother. I wanted her to have something because I was just so tired of all the hiding and sneaking around, I wanted to stop hiding. There was some hope though Varric gave me that much. If I could just get the money I could make sure she would be fine and finally turn myself over, it was going to be perfect." I shook my head remembering my own naivety at those thoughts.

"I was wrong of course. I left Carver behind so Mother wouldn't be lonely, just a little longer, at least that's what I told myself. Came back to find Carver had become a Templar and Mother alone again. I don't begrudge him a life, but do wish he could have waited a bit longer, maybe then I wouldn't have been stopped once more by guilt at the thought of her alone. But he did, and I was, so we moved into Hightown with two dwarves for company. For a time I thought that maybe they would be company for Mother so she wouldn't be lonely if I left her, but then Carver visited and when he left she looked so torn. I knew I couldn't could it even after Orana came to stay with us she's just learning how to be free, she wouldn't be any help with this. The poor girl would probably be at a complete loss I still have to remind her sometimes that she really can call me Hawke like the rest of you and that we prefer she eats with us."

I finally glanced back over my shoulder for once not bothering to hide the dead look I knew my eyes held as I took in Anders, Fenris, and the Templar. "You ask why Anders? The question is why haven't you? Do you enjoy causing those around you pain? I can't let my Mother suffer more pain for me and every time I've had the courage to turn myself over it would have only cause her more than it stopped. Can you say the same? Or are you just a selfish child who can't see the pain he causes others?"

As the boat pulled into the docks I pulled myself to my feet and made my way out ignoring the way the Templar's eyes followed me even as I hoped that maybe he would understand. I had never been the best of friends with my brother, but I had tried to do what I could to not make his life harder.