A/N: Okay, this is a present for ratchetsfangirl as she was the 100th reviewer of Transformers Prime:Jack's Twin :D
She owns the plot line, not me.
I really hope that she and the rest of you like it!
Ratchet's bad day
Ratchet was driving around, patrolling the streets of Jasper Nevada, bored out of his senses.
"Stupid Prime, forcing me to leave the base…" He grumbled to himself, disliking the fact that he wasn't finished analysing the data on the main computer.
The medic sighed to himself and parked next to the hospital. Apparently he was in desperate need of recharge after staring at the computer screen for several hours so he sank slightly on his axels, scanning the area for any familiar spark signals.
Once Ratchet was positive that there was no 'cons in the surrounding area, he locked his doors and slowly fell into a dreamless recharge.
(Several hours later…)
As Ratchet slowly woke up, he immediately knew that something was wrong.
Looking around he saw that everything was peaceful. The moon shone down on the Earth, giving it a silver glow, and the millions of stars were sparkling up in the night sky.
Knowing it was time to head back to base, he went to pull forward, but wouldn't move.
He tried again, and again, and again, but he wasn't moving an inch.
Muttering curse words to himself, the autobot tried to com-link the base, but he grew worried when all that came through was static.
"What in the name of Primus is going on?" He questioned himself.
Suddenly, his engine unexpectedly roared to life, very nearly giving the old mech a spark attack.
Snickers then erupted from within him.
Frantically looking through his rear-view mirror, he was shocked to see several teenage boys huddled into his alt mode. Confused as to how they had got in, he looked over to the right and saw that the thugs had broken his window.
Ratchet yelled as loudly as he could in hope to scare them off, but they continued to joke around with each other and prepared to race away.
The autobot medic felt panic tear at his spark as he was unable to control his actions and started speeding forward.
He inwardly widened his optics when he narrowly missed a lamppost, since the rowdy teenagers were fighting inside of him.
"Son of a fragging glitch." Ratchet snarled to himself. He desperately tried to fix the hotwiring but his systems were flashing messages at him saying that he would have to wait 24 Earth hours before his repair systems would bypass the faulty wiring.
Ratchet suddenly felt himself lurch forward as one of the boys smashed his foot heavily onto his brakes.
"Okay, what are we going to do now?" One of them asked.
"What can we do with a crappy ambulance?" Another spoke up. Ratchet growled, even though they were unable to hear him.
A scrawny boy raised his hand up, gaining everyone's attention.
"Why don't we go shoplifting?" He suggested, his voice quiet and sheepish. A larger boy ruffled his shaggy bronze hair. Ratchet's spark momentarily stopped when he heard the last word spoken. They were going to take him shoplifting?
"That's a great idea, Tyler! But, what exactly are we gonna steal?" The boy at the wheel questioned. The other one named 'Tyler' suddenly perked up.
"I want some fashionable clothes! One can never have too many designer shirts!"
They all stared at him blankly. If they had the ability to sweat-drop, they would have done so.
The lanky one then shook his head dismissively.
"Well, that screwed up that idea. Let's just do off-roading instead!"
Everyone cheered and Ratchet was suddenly going at top speed again.
(Time skip)
It had been an hour, and Ratchet still hadn't slowed down. He was clueless as to where he was, and since the boys were constantly bickering Ratchet could concentrate enough to work it out.
The only thing he was sure of was that they couldn't drive for slag. So far the medic had counted 214 broken mail boxes, 9 awkwardly bent streetlights, 36 snapped signs and 2 airborne cats.
Needless to say Ratchets front was battered, and he was not pleased.
When his vehicle mode stopped moving he felt entirely relieved.
That was, until he actually looked at where he was.
From what he could make out he knew that he was in a desert and in front of him was a steep hill, more like a cliff.
"Won't this be dangerous?" Tyler spoke up. Another boy scoffed.
"Stop being a wimp."
"Anyways, this isn't even ours, so it doesn't matter if we trash it!" Someone else piped in.
"It will when I hunt you down and murder you slowly and painfully." Ratchet hissed, once again regretting that he had agreed not to harm any humans.
The 'bots vehicle mode then edged closer and closer towards the edge, and Ratchet started getting really restless.
He thanked Primus when he stopped again.
His relief was short lived as one of the teens muttered 'fuck it' and stepped on the gas pedal.
Ratchet released a femme-like scream as he shot forwards and down the cliff. Hell, even Arcee didn't shriek as high pitched as the medic did.
He would worry about regaining his lost dignity later; that is, if he survives what the thugs have planned for him.
(Time skip)
Luckily Ratchet had survived rolling down many sleep ledges, albeit with a few scratches.
He checked his systems and felt like yelling when it informed him that he would have to wait another 21 hours until he would be able to regain control of himself again.
The boys had tired from hurtling down cliffs and decided to look out for street racers on the main road.
Just as they began to lose hope, a red sports car that resembled an Aston Martin DBS V12 sped past, flashing his lights.
A few of the boys snickering, they drove considerably faster after the sleek car, knowing it would lead to a street race.
Meanwhile, Ratchet was grumbling to himself. Not only did the teens scramble his com-link, they had also managed to fuck up his spark detector. He was sure the red vehicle that passed by was familiar.
He was separated from his thoughts when he started absently swerving, the boys cheering holding their hands up in the air.
Ratchet had always known that humans would be the slaggin' death of him.
(Time skip, at the track…)
As Ratchet was forced to stop, right in front of the starting line, he didn't think his life could get any worse.
Street racing, seriously?
Suddenly, the red car from earlier pulled up to his left and began speaking in cybertronian.
"Hmmmmmm, the Autobot medic. Interesting. I never thought you were one to race." The con purred.
Ratchet growled, not in the mood for the other medic's jokes. He'd rather fight, but of course he was also unable to transform.
He felt like punching someone, since one of the only things that worked, besides his optics and audios, was his ability to communicate in cybertronian with another who was nearby. How that was even possible was beyond him.
"Shut your trap Knockout, I didn't exactly choose to be here." Ratchet hissed. Knockout snickered.
"You know, I would pulverise you if I hadn't been ordered by Lord Megatron to keep a low profile."
"You wish, con scum." Ratchet retorted. The 'con revved angrily beside him.
"Why you- wait, is that…?" Knockout fell silent before bursting into fits of laughter.
"Y-you w-were hij-hijacked by fl-fleshlings?" The decepticon medic gasped for air he didn't need.
"Yeah, yeah, laugh it up," Ratchet hissed "…..fragger." He then added.
Knockout continued to laugh his aft off, even when the ambulance suddenly darted forward. All the con could think about was how hilarious the recently discovered fact was.
As Ratchet passed another car one of the lads leaned out of the window and flipped the driver the bird, the others proceeding to curse loudly and stick their tongues out.
When his vehicle mode skidded around a sharp corner, one of the teens almost fell out. The others didn't help him as they were too busy laughing, even the one who was driving.
Ratchet had settled back into screaming when he was rammed into the other racers.
Knockout then chose that exact time to zoom past, honking his horn and yelling "Eat my dust."
Though, when he picked up on Ratchets screaming, he slowed only slightly so that he could mirror the ambulances speed as he did what Ratchet had forever dreaded, though he couldn't bring himself to stop squealing.
After several minutes Knockout then sped forward, chuckling.
"I can't wait to show this to the others. Make sure to tell the big O I said hello!" He yelled and then disappeared out of sight. Ratchet grumbled to himself in shame.
How could this day possibly get any worse?
(Time skip)
Oh yeah, it got worse alright.
"HEY, LET'S GIVE THIS PIECE OF SHIT A MAKEOVER!"
"YEAH!"
"ALRIGHT!"
"LET'S DO THIS!"
All of the teens jumped out of Ratchet and proceeded to raid a home improvement store nearby.
If he was in robot mode, his optic would be twitching erratically.
He still had to wait another 11 hours until he would be able to make his escape. Whatever patience he had had worn out hours ago when he first awoke.
Then the teens who had hijacked him, as Knockout had so graciously stated, chose that time to stroll out. In hand were large paint tins, paint brushes, bumper stickers and permanent marker.
They dumped the items in front of Ratchet and looked his vehicle mode over thoughtfully.
"What colour should we start with, the luminous pink or purple?" One asked.
If Ratchet knew anything, it was that the thugs only had 11 hours left to live their lives.
The boys had opened the tins, grabbed the paintbrushes, and were now splattering the paint over Ratchet carelessly. They were snickering and some even slapping handprints onto the wet paint.
Ratchet hadn't realized that there was one boy short until Tyler jogged back, a cd case in hand.
"I got it!" He hollered, jumping in and taking the CD out of its case. There was nothing Ratchet could do but watch as the teen inserted the disk, pressed play and hopped back out.
'I'M A BARBIE GIRL IN THE BARBIE WORLD
LIFE IN PLASTIC, IT'S FANTASTIC!'
Ratchet winced and desperately tried to turn off his audios, but to no avail. For a millisecond he was sure the teens knew he was a robot and were torturing him, but those odds were extremely unlikely.
'A-WELL-A, EVERYBODY'S HEARD ABOUT THE BIRD
BIRD, BIRD, BIRD, B-BIRD'S THE WORD
A-WELL-A, BIRD, BIRD, BIRD, THE BIRD IS THE WORD
A-WELL-A, BIRD, BIRD, BIRD, WELL, THE BIRD IS THE WORD
A-WELL-A, BIRD, BIRD, BIRD, B-BIRD'S THE WORD
A-WELL-A, BIRD, BIRD, BIRD, WELL, THE BIRD IS THE WORD
A-WELL-A, BIRD, BIRD, B-BIRD'S THE WORD
A-WELL-A, BIRD, BIRD, BIRD, B-BIRD'S THE WORD
A-WELL-A, BIRD, BIRD, BIRD, WELL, THE BIRD IS THE WORD
A-WELL-A, BIRD, BIRD, B-BIRD'S THE WORD
A-WELL-A, DON'T YOU KNOW ABOUT THE BIRD
WELL, EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT THE BIRD IS THE WORD
A-WELL-A, BIRD, BIRD, B-BIRD'S THE WORD
A-WELL-A'
He wanted to kill himself then and there. How could the songs get any more irritating?
'IT'S A WORLD OF LAUGHTER, A WORLD OR TEARS
IT'S A WORLD OF HOPES, IT'S A WORLD OF FEAR
THERES SO MUCH THAT WE SHARE
THAT ITS TIME WE'RE AWARE
IT'S A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL'
"!" Ratchet seethed, praying to Primus that there were no more hideous songs that shouldn't have even been created.
But sadly, it was not meant to be that way. The last song had decided to stick itself on repeat;
'I LOVE YOU
YOU LOVE ME
WE'RE A HAPPY FAMILY
WITH A GREAT BIG HUG AND A KISS FROM ME TO YOU
WON'T YOU SAY YOU LOVE ME TOO!'
Ratchet was scared of nothing, except for two things; scraplets, and Barney the dinosaur.
Ever since Miko had forced him to watch an episode of torture he blew up the disk and vowed never to watch or listen to that menace again.
How 3 year olds could watch it and not scream was a mystery.
(Time skip)
The autobot medic had lost track of time. Hell, he wasn't even sure what planet he was on. With Barney continuously shouting lyrics at him and the teens working on his vehicle mode, he was unable to think straight.
After what seemed like forever the boys piled back into him and zoomed off.
Ratchet was wary but grew more and more worried when they drove him to a familiar place.
To be precise, the same place to which Ratchet had last encountered Knockout.
He didn't even know what he looked like, and somehow the boys weren't turning off or burning the CD that was still spurting painful lyrics.
Sure enough, the first vehicle Ratchet picked out was the decepticon medic. He could hear other humans snickering at his appearance, so he could only dread how Knockout would react.
The initial reaction was worse than Ratchet could ever imagine.
The red con had done three things;
1=Laugh so hard he had strained his vocal chords
2=Take millions of photos
3=Went into temporary stasis lock from laughing so much.
Well, the third one wasn't all so bad, he would have to put up with the vain mechs snarky comments, but it also meant he had looked so ridiculous he had gone into something as bad as stasis lock.
He then suddenly found himself speeding forward for the umpteenth time today.
(Time skip)
At some point during the race, Ratchet had fallen into a light recharge, despite himself.
The first thing he had noticed when he had awoken was that he was no longer moving, and everything was silent.
He scanned the inside of him, and nearly cried out in joy.
The boys had gone, and left him on a random street.
Ratchet then checked his stats to see how long until he would be able to control himself again.
Without thinking, he released a relieved, yet triumphant, howl as he saw that he was in control of himself.
The medic then proceeded to speed back to base, forgetting a few important things.
(Autobot base)
"Prime, relax, this is Ratchet were talking about!"
"Yeah, he'll be back in no time, he had probably fallen into a deep recharge."
Bulkhead and Arcee were trying to assure their pacing leader.
"This is very out of character for him." Optimus replied, trying to lock onto his second in command's spark signal.
Just then, a honk of a horn rattled throughout the base. All of their head's snapped to the entrance, where a certain ambulance had rolled in.
They had to force themselves not to laugh at his current state.
His whole body was covered in pink and purple splotches, not even one speck his old colour. In black marker pen someone had drawn extremely disturbing images all over, and there were multiple stickers on him, reading things such as 'bitch', 'retarded vehicle', 'prostitute', 'mother fucker' and many, many more. His left window was also broken.
"Um, Ratchet? Where exactly where you?" Arcee asked, holding back a snicker.
"It's none of your business, two-wheeler." Ratchet snapped, shocking everyone in the room. Yes, they had expected a comeback, but that one was filled with venom, and lots of it.
There was an awkward silence until Prime broke it by pretending to cough.
"I think that there is something you need to know-"Ratchet cut him off.
"I know, I know, I look like ive been hauled out of a scrap heap. I feel like it, too." He had mumbled the last part.
"That's not what I was going to sa-"
" . ."
The medic froze as the two high-pitched voices filled his audios. He slowly turned to Optimus, giving him the most evil glare he could possibly muster. Sadly it didn't do much, considering what he looked like.
Bulkhead just grinned sheepishly at the whole situation.
Ratchet then shifted his heavy gaze behind his leader, to where there were a certain set of red and yellow twins.
Said twins were gaping at Ratchet new appearance, before they collapsed into fits of laughter.
"Y-you, y-y-you-"Sideswipe, the red twin, couldn't even finish his own sentence.
Ratchet watched with his arms crossed as they continued to roll about on the floor.
After around an hour they finally stopped and stood back up, though there were wide grins on both of the twin's faces.
"We got something for you. Think of it as a 'we've missed you so much' kinda present." The yellow twin, Sunstreaker, smirked.
Without waiting from a reply, he walked over to Ratchet and thrust a small box into his hands. The medic cautiously looked down at the small device. It was square, black, and only had a single green button in the middle. Ratchet raised an optic ridge at the choice of colour. Sideswipe scoffed.
"Well, you weren't going to press it if it was red, would you?"
When they saw that Ratchet was going to make no move to press it, he strolled over and did it for him.
Suddenly music spilled out all over the base, very loudly.
'I LOVE YOU
YOU LOVE ME
WE'RE A HAPPY FAMILY
WITH A GREAT BIG HUG AND A KISS FROM ME TO YOU
WON'T YOU SAY YOU LOVE ME TOO!'
Ratchet froze, his optics wide, and looked over to the twins, who were singing along with it, and promptly glitched.
The others stared at him before Sideswipe deadpanned;
"Isn't that Prowl's job?"
A/N: Tada! My first attempt at humour and a one-shot EVER!
Once again, I hope I made you laugh and that you review this!