Disclaimer: I don't own FMA.

Pairings: Past Maes/Roy, Havoc/Roy, future Ed/Roy

Chapter One

He tried to remember why he was doing this in the middle of the night or early morning again. His mind was numb and hazy but here he was doing it anyways. He had work the next day and yet here he was going up and down the road trying to effectively shut up the crying infant. He quietly cursed the cause of this realizing that the other needed to learn some responsibility. He slowed down a bit just to have the baby girl squall in discontentment. She really needed to start sleeping at night but the two month old was starting to make the Lieutenant Colonel an insomniac. It was no wonder why he was so irritated at work.

"Calm down baby. Isabella you just had your two in the morning feeding time and I changed your nappy. I have work you brat and I shouldn't have to entertain you for an hour. I'm tired."

She just gave a sound that suspiciously sounded like a huff making Roy sigh. She was a big seven pound baby. She made him suffer although he did have meds that numbed it some and now she was the reason he was so grumpy lately. He wasn't about to pin it on some post-partum shit that the doctor had said that he had. He was a man and he wasn't prone to that. Hell the first thing he did was throw the damn medicine down the toilet. He didn't need anti-depressants anyways. It wasn't fair that the one who fathered the baby had told on him and said that he found out that he was crying because the baby made him sleep less and he just didn't have much of an appetite. Lousy prick was his thought about that.

He noticed that she calmed down in his arms and that she seemed to be asleep again. He paused seeing if she would cry again but she didn't so he headed back towards the unit of town houses he lived in. Entering back into the house, he tried to place her softly in her little crib only to have her start screaming again.

"This is where the papa wishes he had a gun to shoot himself with," He mumbled to himself.

Havoc had taken his guns away when he found out that he had been thinking about hurting himself. Of course it could have been more largely due to the breakup. Havoc really didn't want to be stuck with the responsibility of raising a kid based on the fact that he was a second lieutenant and any chance of being with the lieutenant colonel would end their jobs. It was considered fraternization despite the gender and since Roy always had huge dreams of changing the country, Havoc rationally believed that Roy would get over this in the future.

He picked her up again which made her tone lessen but she was still wailing until Roy slowly rocked her in his arms. She really was a loud baby he thought. Her blue eyes were something he couldn't get past though. His eyes were dominant or so he had thought until he saw her deep blue eyes and of course her hair may be dark now but she didn't have dark eyebrows which could be saying something.

"You are gonna put me into an early grave," he muttered to himself with a smile.

Sighing, he dropped into the rocking chair and rocked her wishing he was allowed to sleep too. He would have even been okay with her laying in his bed but she wasn't satisfied with that alone. No, she wanted papa to hold her and to be lulled into her dreams. He guessed on one level he didn't blame her. He didn't remember his birth mother. Only the woman that had raised him as her own and his father of course until up to the point where they died in that accident. Then there was his Aunt Christmas who took him in when he was six. Smiling, he finally decided that she wasn't that bad. Her little hands and feet were still small and he always feared that he would hurt her but in the end she was his flesh and blood, something he helped make. Havoc stopped showing responsibility so he made the choice right there and now. Who needed love? He loved his daughter and that was enough. Seeing as how she was deeply dependent upon him, he liked that. He also wanted somebody that just didn't want him for his body or his mind; he found that he loved feeling needed as well. And his baby needed him right now.

She would be his baby alone.

Havoc sighed.

Hawkeye didn't have to make it blatantly obvious, she could have just motioned that somebody should get the man. What she didn't know wouldn't kill her though, he thought savagely. She was just in love with the lieutenant colonel for all the wrong reasons though. He wondered what she would say when she found out that Havoc had gotten through to Mustang and she couldn't even get the man to stop playing protective older brother to her. He surmised that if she did know then it would probably be a whole lot worse but he couldn't really help it.

If only he had known that the man could get knocked up though. He knew that was something you don't tell your family over the dinner table. He could see it now if he had told his mother. 'You see there was this thing in Ishbal when he was at war that caused him to be able to carry children, basically messed up his anatomy but never told anybody about it out of embarrassment. I know it is a long stretch of the truth but now I have a daughter and you are a grandma.' He could just laugh at the faces they would make. Country folk hated homosexuals. He grew up being told that if he were ever wanting to go to heaven then he would follow what they preach.

Havoc did for a long time and he did believe in everything that was preached within reason of course. There was still some cults that he wouldn't join even if they begged. The point was they would hate it if they were to ever find out that he made a child with another man let alone the fact that they weren't even married which made it even worse, there was a chance that he could get kicked out. He didn't know what the man's parents had taught him but Mustang was certainly not as scared to take on a relationship with a member of the same sex. He was going to save the man his dignity and his reputation. He still had a country to save and that went first and foremost before he could even think about considering it.

He pushed open the door, cursing Mustang for leaving the door unlocked. Why would he be so careless? He got his answer right when he entered the nursery seeing as how he wasn't sleeping in his bed. He was in the rocking chair with their daughter still in his arms. He thought about lifting her up so that he could wake Mustang up without worrying about the baby falling but one look at her sleeping face, he knew he couldn't. If he picked her up, he would want to hold her. He couldn't hold her because he didn't want her to know that she was his too.

"Sir, you have work," he said aloud.

Roy cracked open an eye and glared at him before adjusting his arms due to having the weight on them all night and going back into a light slumber. Havoc looked at him in annoyance but was glad he was the one to get him. If he wasn't then what the hell would Hawkeye think? They kept it from her so far and he was pretty sure she was best off not knowing about the girl either.

"Get your lousy ass up," he whined.

Roy groaned before trying to withdraw from Havoc's hands. He couldn't stand being pinched. Havoc knew that and he also knew that he was ticklish but only on certain spots. There was so much he learned from the months he had been with his superior that he thought his heart was going to explode by just trying to walk away from it all. He wasn't forced or bribed into the relationship either regardless about what people said about rank and sucking cock to stay on a higher ups good side. Roy was the one that admitted he liked him when he was drunk but Havoc was the one that took the invitation and ravished him into the man's mattress. He didn't need coercion and he found as a bonus that the man made quite a cute drunk.

"Leave m'lone," He whined.

Havoc sighed.

The baby woke up with a cry and Roy finally knew when he had to face defeat, stood up with a sigh. He definitely didn't have the fat anymore and it had only been what, five in a half months since the last time he was in this house alone. He wouldn't tell him the official reason he was able to carry the kid and Havoc felt that he really did not need to know. He did look tired though, he had dark rings around his eyes and the baby was still squirming in his arms until Roy set her in the crib where she went into a dead sleep at last.

"Sir you look a little tired-"

"It is all your fault!" Roy took a deep breath to calm himself down before heading to the other room so he didn't wake his little girl up again. She was always screaming and fussy, the doctor told him that it was most likely that she had colic. The rocking helped ease her but Roy lost sleep at night as it was.

"I don't want to do this anymore Havoc," he admitted in a whisper.

Havoc just nodded holding him tight. He refused to let him take the easy way out because that was just wrong. He couldn't just end his life. Seeing as how he had the womanizing man in his arms, he wondered idly why Roy bitched to him a lot of the times now. Didn't he realize they weren't meant to last? Sure they had a kid but barring the kid from their relationship at the moment. They had nothing in common and he doubted he'd want to be with him for long. He had to tell himself this because then it made things easier, he was able to make the man let him go.

He ran his hands through the other's hair liking the smooth texture.

"I seriously can't-"

"Where's your medicine?" he asked interrupting him in the middle of his rant. He looked at him defiantly but Havoc guessed they somehow met their end in some way, shape, or form. Roy was exhausted, wasn't eating right, and was cranky. He was talking about suicide because of the post-partum depression. He needed some serious intervention fast.

"Why can't you get a babysitter Roy?" he knew it would be a sharp blow to the man because Roy had insisted that he call him by his first name when they were alone. Roy looked if impossible madder.

"Good job jackass!" he spat. "You should take responsibility for your daughter too. Are you just going to abandon her and walk out when she needs you? You need her too don't you?"

Havoc sighed before kissing his tears away knowing Roy wasn't acting normal because of the hormones. He was about to find a way to snap him out of it when Roy pulled him into a searing kiss making Havoc moan before he could stop himself. Roy hoisted himself onto Havoc, straddling him before continuing. The other man moaned knowing that they weren't late for work necessarily, Hawkeye told him to check up on Roy not to come back to work. It was a hot day outside anyways and everyone was getting out. Maybe she assumed he was with Roy now. No matter what the reason was, she didn't know where Roy lived anyways so they were safe.

Roy already had no footwear since he had been sleeping previously. It made things easier since he was in a t-shirt and boxers. Havoc started to trail bites and kisses down Roy's jawline, pushing the man's body flush against his. He knew that the man wouldn't call rank on him for this that was for certain. It was free game as far as he was concerned. He removed his own boots, his jacket, and his pants. He quickly took off his own shirt as well leaving only his boxers on for the time being. He knew that despite his womanizing ways, Roy was not able to tolerate being taking hard and dry no matter how much he tried. The one left him bleeding and it took letting Roy tie him up to get the man to forgive him.

"Are you sure you really want to do this? This can't mean anything." Roy glared at him eyes searching for the truth beyond what Havoc had just told him.

"Why? You never minded before." It was true and Havoc was willing to say that everything changed when Roy had had that baby. It wasn't like he meant to knock him up or that he was leaving him just because that but he didn't want to disappoint his mom and he didn't want to ruin the only goals that Roy had set for himself. The baby had already changed everything enough. How would he be able to rule when he had weak spots? He should just take the kid and risk the wrath of his mother but he knew that Roy would die before he let that happen so he left the baby alone.

"Roy I know you are going to hate me and I know that you are going to be mad but listen, I can't be with you. You have a bigger cause that you have to concentrate on. You have a baby that will love you enough. Find a nice girl to love that baby with too. Please just don't act like this. Take those meds the doctor gave you and get back where you were." He stepped over to pull his clothes back on. Roy hadn't moved yet and he knew this was one final blow. He probably never had someone dump him before. "Don't worry even if they find out, you could say that you dumped me to save ego, how's that?"

Roy didn't say a thing, only looking at the floor. Havoc ruffled his hair as he made his exit hoping that the man would get up soon and get a shower then do what he told him to do. He would make it, he told himself, he was strong. He had a dream that nobody not even their daughter could compare to and that was the reason he backed the man in everything he did.

On the other hand, he was sure it was a good thing that they hadn't finished what they started. It would just hurt the both of them and Roy already had one child to deal with, he didn't need to be depressed and be having another. In the end, Havoc realized that if he had continued doing what he did, Roy wouldn't get the big picture and would continue to think that he secretly loved him. He told himself that he couldn't do that and that the baby would be fine with a single parent for now. When Roy met somebody knew he would look back at this and laugh. He needed to be happy though and that was the only thing Havoc ever wanted for Roy.

It was a month later when he found out from Hughes that Mustang had taken leave and was going to someplace called Rizenbul. Havoc tried to sound discreet but Hughes just smirked telling him amongst all the babble about Gracia that Roy had left behind a three month old for them to watch until they got back. Supposedly Hughes and Roy told each other everything because he knew whose baby it was and even though he disagreed he knew that it was Havoc's decision to make and that Hughes wasn't going to change it. Roy would make it okay, he also reassured. Roy was tough underneath and always bounced back. Before he hung up relieved about Mustang being alright, Hughes told him one more thing.

"I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I mean I saw the way you would look at him when he wasn't paying attention and you must have loved him. Why would you go through all the lengths to make sure he did all that? Don't sell yourself short Jean, I know that Roy loves you and all but you should listen to your heart."

"I have been and I'm doing what it's telling me to. Please don't let him go too far, I know that we all care about him but you are his best friend-"

"And we'll ignore the fact that you were fuck buddies-Damn it you should hear yourself talk! Why would you want to abandon your daughter? I understand everything else but you don't even hold her!"

"I'm okay and everything is alright. Bella can't know me because that's another thing that ties what me and him did, don't you get that. I want to protect him!"

"If you're sure-"

"I am. I'm very sorry for bothering you though. I hope that you do okay."

As he made his way into the resturaunt he told himself he had to be. What kind of life would one child have if she were shunned by her peers because of who her parents were? So what he was in love with the man, he grew up thinking it was wrong. It was wrong to love like this and that's why he ended it as well. Mostly for Mustang but also for that.

The question wasn't was he okay, it was how he was going to be able to handle being away from a love that strong.

A/N: Please review and tell me what you think!