Warning: Based on a true case of highway hypnosis. Read with caution. All fines double in construction zones.
And why, you may ask, are Chuck and Sarah driving the Nerd Herder all the way across the country? Couldn't tell ya. But it's still cheaper than flying. Just roll with it folks. :)
Many thanks to my BFF, Lock&Lock box fanatic, and unwitting coauthor Poohbear101 for humoring my inanity through many hundreds of miles – even if her coworkers did think she had finally cracked. Thanks also to ne71 for his beta work and for talking me into actually putting this out there. Just remember, he asked for it!! I gave him the rights to a sequel so keep an eye on his page for more fun with modern technology.
I don't own Chuck, Sarah, Morgan, Casey, the Nerd Herd, the Nerd Herder, Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, Olivia Dunham, William Shatner, Big Bird, The Bat Cave, The Foxy Lady, Press'n Seal wrap, Lock&Lock boxes, Barak Obama, the stimulus package, construction zones, Bike Week or Mt. Rushmore. But don't you think it'd be a lot more fun if I did??
***
Somewhere South of Sioux Falls, Iowa
Chuck: Woo hoo! Finally have a signal! Good morning from Iowa 8-D
Morgan: Good Morning right back atcha buddy! So how's Iowa? Have you been driving all night?
Chuck: Yep. Just pulled Wyoming and South Dakota. Sarah's taking us down through Kansas City so I get to kick back and enjoy the view of many many corns.
Morgan: We need all those corns, gotta make all that high fructose corn syrup! ;)
Chuck: Iowa apparently also has jackasses from Nebraska who like to tailgate people through construction zones.
Morgan: Oy, that sucks. Slam on the brakes…get a new car! ;)
Chuck: That's what I keep saying! Or spray tire-dissolving oil out of the tail pipe.
Morgan: Didn't know the Herder could do that :)
Chuck: Well, I've made some modifications.
Morgan: Awesome! Do it, do it! You might even get a big settlement out of the deal. I get half tho. Ya know, as a payoff ;)
Chuck: Payoff for what? Your sound legal advice?
Morgan: Well, that too. But really for keeping my mouth shut about our discussion ;)
Chuck: Quick!! Hide the text messages!!
Morgan: Hehehe. 10-4 roger Charlie! What texts? I don't know how to use that new fangled stuff!
Chuck: I'm sure I have no idea what you're talking about.
Morgan: Were we talking?
Chuck: Do I know you?
Morgan: What is this strange object in my hand?
Morgan: Hello?
Morgan: Hello?
Enter 3G Deadzone
***
Northwest Missouri (it looks a lot like southwest Iowa)
Chuck: Hello, Missouri! 107 miles to Kansas City. Can't wait -.-
Morgan: Such a fine town! If only I could live there too.
Chuck: Everyone should live in Kansas City. At least we didn't actually have to drive through Kansas this time. South Dakota is moderately more interesting.
Morgan: Never been there. Do they grow corns too?
Chuck: Couldn't tell ya. It was dark. They do apparently grow biker gangs tho.
Morgan: Ah, nothing like a fertile field full of fugly bikers. Has Bike Week started yet?
Chuck: Couple of days. And they have Sturgis all torn up for construction.
Morgan: Pissy bikers. Not smart.
Chuck: Heh. Maybe they're all coming shovel-ready ;-p Makes for interesting people watching at least. Oh, and unlike Kansas, South Dakota also has the added bonus of hills to keep you awake on the road.
Morgan: That's something. Are those the rolling hills the song is talking aboot?
Chuck: There's a South Dakota song?
Morgan: Heh. No dufous. You know -- purple mountains, rolling waves of grain, aren't there hills at some point? South Dakota must be known for something.
Chuck: I don't remember any hills in the song, but SD does boast a bunch of dead presidents on the side of a mountain.
Morgan: Aaahhhhh, but that doesn't count. Aliens built that.
Chuck: Alien bikers?
Morgan: Yes! How could you not know about the alien bikers?!? Why do you think they all convene there every summer?
Chuck: Crap! Why weren't any of the stores selling tinfoil hats?
Morgan: The aliens want us to think we don't need them, duh!
Chuck: No no no. The tin foil itself must be the alien conspiracy! Sarah! Quick! Turn the car around! We need get a whole bunch of foil and go back to South Dakota! We have to save the dead presidents!
Morgan: Oh crap, I've had it wrong all these years. Get the foil fast!! Do you think we should use the heavy-duty kind just in case?
Chuck: Maybe. Or maybe the tinfoil conspiracy is itself a conspiracy and we should use press'n seal wrap. What do you think?
Morgan: Will press'n seal stick to rock? I think we should be diligent and use both.
Chuck: Hm, good point. I don't know. Definitely both then. Oh! And Lock&Lock boxes -- just to be on the safe side. Do they make them that big?
Morgan: Stellar idea! I am sure if they knew why they could make some up for us. Whew, it's a good thing we're here! ;)
Chuck: Protecting dead presidents from alien biker gangs everywhere. That's us! Mulder and Scully back in action!
Morgan: I call Mulder!
Chuck: Fine, you can be Mulder - just this once.
Morgan: Woo hoo! I'm in charge! Of course, you realize you will have to wear skirts in order to be my sidekick. I can't have you climbing all over dead prez heads in pants suits.
Chuck: Hey, Scully was SO in charge by the end! She rocked the pants suits AND kicked ass in heels! I'll race you to the top of Lincoln's hat – we'll just see who's in charge!
Morgan: Ah, gotta love a woman who can kick ass in heels!
Chuck: Heh. Don't I know it buddy.
Morgan: To the new world order it is! If I get to the top first do I get a prize?
Chuck: All the tin foil Anna can wrap you up in ;) But remember, I have a 1000 mile head start! :-P
Morgan: Hehehe. It's okay. I have super human powers thanks to my press'n seal!
Chuck: Oh, but you've underestimated the modifications I've made to the Nerd Herder. James Bond eat your heart out! There's no way you'll beat me!
Morgan: Ah, but even the best spy gear is no comparison to the magic powers of press'n seal!
Chuck: Oh yeah? Like what?
Morgan: Well, you can't tell anybody this, but they've allowed me to download all of the government's secrets directly into my brain. They also make me a master of kung fu!
Morgan: You still there Scully?
Chuck: Yeah buddy, sorry. Just choked on my soda for a minute. Those new powers of yours must really be something!
Morgan: Actually, they're more of a curse :(
Chuck: Oops! Sorry buddy. Gotta go. We're back in construction and Sarah's going into road rage mode. If I don't drive, she's going to start taking out minivans with the headlight machine guns.
Morgan: :( All right Scully. Catch ya l8r. I'll be waiting for you on top of Jefferson's wig!
Morgan: Is Jefferson even on Mt. Rushmore?
Morgan: Roosevelt?
Morgan: Kennedy?
Morgan: Polk?
Morgan: Garfield?
Chuck: Get back to work Morgan, or I'm throwing Chuck's phone out the window!
Morgan: Love you too Sarah!!! xD
***
St. Louis, Missouri – Don't blink or you'll miss the Mississippi. And for God's sake don't look at the arch if you need to change highways!
Casey: Secure?
Casey: Walker?
Sarah: Sorry, I was sleeping. Secure.
Casey: How can you sleep in that tiny little car?
Sarah: I'm very flexible ;)
Casey: Heh. I'm sure Bartowski will be happy to hear that.
Sarah: Ha ha. You're a riot. What's up?
Casey: Where are you?
Sarah: Sitting in construction in St. Louis.
Casey: Welcome home :)
Sarah: Very funny.
Casey: Well I like to think so.
Sarah: And modest too. Seriously, what's up?
Casey: Not much. Slow day. No customers, no mission. Wanted to see how you two were doing.
Sarah: Wait . . . are you telling me you're texting because you're bored?!?
Casey: What?!? No! I only wanted to ascertain the safety of the asset.
Sarah: Riiiight ;) Chuck's fine. Driving and singing along with the fifteenth repetition of his road trip mix. Can't you see for yourself?
Casey: All your crap in the backseat is blocking the camera.
Sarah: Awww . . . what a shame!
Casey: Yeah. So disappointed I'm missing the show.
Sarah: He actually does a surprisingly good Willie Nelson.
Casey: Better you than me, sister. Tell me you haven't thought seriously about pushing the passenger seat eject button at least once.
Sarah: I admit to nothing :)
Casey: If you get desperate, punch 6331 into the radio.
Sarah: What does that do?
Casey: Releases knock-out gas through the vents. There are gas masks in the door panels. He'll be out for 6-8 hours.
Sarah: Casey!
Casey: After 20 hours in the car with him already? Tell me you're not tempted.
Sarah: Don't you have toaster ovens to sell?
Casey: Like I said, no customers. So how are the roads?
Sarah: Damn. You really must be bored if you're asking about the roads.
Casey: Just wanted to see how all of those shovel ready projects are getting along.
Sarah: Fine. If you really must know, the roads are torn to shreds. This trip has been nothing but one giant construction zone. We've been sitting in St. Louis for over an hour now because they've got 64 closed all the way through to downtown. And yes, I can hear your excessive liberal spending growl from here.
Casey: Growl? Me? I was doing my Willie Nelson impression ;)
Sarah: Sure. Sure.
Casey: Good thing Chuck's been driving then, huh?
Sarah: Why's that?
Casey: Please. I know how you are in traffic, Little Miss Road Rage. Don't know how you've survived L.A. for so long.
Sarah: I think I've been doing very well.
Casey: So no thoughts about blasting through the orange barriers while construction workers dive into the Mississippi to get out of your way? Using your credentials to clear it up later saying it was a matter of national security?
Sarah: Tempting, but I was tying to sleep through it. Until someone woke me up for no good reason!
Casey: I was getting to my reason. Been meaning to ask you something since last night, but you didn't have a signal earlier.
Sarah: What?
Casey: Did Chuck flash on anybody in South Dakota?
Sarah: No. Why in the world would he?
Casey: Well, you know, the alien biker gangs of course! Thought maybe the Intersect could help take out some of their leaders while you were there.
Sarah: OMG I'm surrounded.
Casey: Heh.
Sarah: Go play with Morgan, Casey.
Casey: Now why would I want to do that?
Sarah: You've obviously been entertaining yourself by intercepting his text messages all morning.
Casey: What text messages? I'm serious about those alien bikers. I take the protection of dead presidents everywhere very seriously.
Sarah: Uh huh. You've been on this assignment too long.
Casey: What are you saying?
Sarah: You're getting soft Casey. Soft. Not only that – your inner geek is showing.
Casey: Grrr :-[
Sarah: lol :-D Well I'm sure Morgan has a game where you two can go shoot aliens to your heart's content.
Casey: Well, actually, the green shirts are putting Halo 3 up on the big screen. Not a bad game, really. Excellent voice work. Maybe I'll go get in the pool.
Sarah: You do that. I'm going back to sleep. Thanks for the wake-up call.
Casey: Anytime, partner.
Sarah: Have fun shooting aliens.
Casey: I rock at shooting aliens ;)
Sarah: I'm sure you do. TTYL
Casey: 10-4 over and out
***
Nashville, Tennessee – An overpass overlooking The Foxy Lady and other fine establishments
Note: The last time Chuck and Morgan drove through Tennessee together it was the middle of winter, they had a puppy in the cab, and none of the rest stops were open. This proved to be a teensy bit inconvenient. Why, you may ask again, would Chuck and Morgan be doing this? Well who doesn't love a long trip in a moving truck with a stir-crazy puppy in January?
Chuck: Jeebus. If we sit in Nashville any longer we're going to come home country music stars!
Morgan: Oy. I guess they still don't have any money, huh?!
Chuck: Oh, I think they got some. We're stuck in some sort of construction cluster with all the late night truckers. These shovel ready projects are killing me this trip. I've never driven through so many orange barrels in my life!
Morgan: Shovel ready projects? When did the projects get shovels?
Chuck: Uh, when they were ready! Of course they did have to be stimulated first ;)
Morgan: Heheh. How long you been sitting there?
Chuck: Long enough that I'm starting to get seriously worried about Sarah and those grenade launchers in the trunk. ;)
Morgan: Gotta love a dangerous woman. Are the rest stops still closed?
Chuck: Dunno. Wouldn't mind seeing one right about now tho :(
Morgan: Oy vey. That could take some time. Already stopped for your five dollar footlongs I hope. Go Tennessee.
Chuck: Looks like this particular stimulus package is designed to give stranded travelers great views of local strip clubs.
Morgan: Well that is what stimulates the population the best!
Chuck: Hey, they should send the girls up to work the median!
Morgan: Haha. No doubt they'd make a killing!
Chuck: I feel like I should be writing a country song about it. The Nashville Traffic Jam Stripper Blues or something.
Morgan: Good one! An overnight hit, I'm sure! But you'll never get to #1 unless you include some sort of strange smell ;)
Chuck: No problem! There's nothing quite like the smell of a Southern city on a hot summer night ya know. And giant bugs playing percussion too!
Morgan: Now that's what I'm talkin' aboot! Big bugs are all you really need, well that and a singin' frog! Oh yeah and don't forget the lady dancers!
Chuck: Got the frog! Moose is on the dash.
Morgan: Moose?
Chuck: Sarah's lookout frog. I picked him up for her in Sturgis so he can watch for alien biker gangs while I sleep.
Morgan: And you named him Moose?
Chuck: What better name for a biker frog?
Morgan: Ah. You make a good point, Scully. Does he sing?
Chuck: Are you kidding? He's been singing along with my roadtrip playlist all day! Sarah keeps threatening to leave him on the side of the highway if he can't stay on key.
Morgan: Sarah would leave a poor defenseless frog on the side of the road?
Chuck: Er, well, she might have been talking to me…Hey, look! Here come the strippers! Now we just need a talking fish to shoot the video.
Morgan: Don't let all your good ideas out yet Scully, the aliens are listening. We have yet to secure the foil.
Chuck: WE'RE MOVING!!! WOO HOO!!!
Morgan: Yaaaaahhhhhhhhoooooooo!!!!!!! It's time to throw a party. Where's the press'n seal?
Chuck: Dammit! The alien biker gang stole it! Quick Mulder, to the Bat Cave!
Morgan: There aren't actually bats in the cave are there? They're attracted to beards you know.
Chuck: Fear not my fuzzy little friend! They only bite when they're hungry. I told Jeff and Lester to feed them last week so we should be safe.
Morgan: Uh oh. We're in big trouble then. The Green Shirts sorta bet Jeff fifty bucks that he couldn't eat a whole bag of bat food. Zoinks. I wonder if they'd be distracted by the dancing girls?
Chuck: Yes! We'll cover them with the drumming bugs and then trap the bats in the Lock&Lock boxes. The foil will be ours!
Morgan: Most excellent plan Scully. I'll await your report!
Chuck: Crap.
Morgan: What?
Chuck: The Lock&Lock boxes are in the Bat Cave!!
Morgan: Dammit, I knew I shouldn't have fired Alfred! There must be another way…maybe Obama has some more stimulus money to give away.
Chuck: Yes! We could use it to run 16 lanes of truckers through the one lane opening of the cave, bring up the girls, and have the talking fish film it all.
Morgan: That just might work. Is it raining hard enough to keep the fish from dehydrating? Or should we call in Bill Gates to control the storms?
Chuck: What?!? Mulder, do you really want the fish to die waiting for the clouds to load? Call Steve Jobs! Do you think we can pay him in bug-covered dancing girls?
Morgan: Zoinks! Of course. I'm not so sure Steve is into bugs tho. Maybe a serenading frog with the girls on the side?
Chuck: What man could say no? So Jobs makes it rain which washes the bugs off the girls. We collect the bugs feed them to the bats, give the girls to Steve, use the construction as a cover and secure the tinfoil. Ready?
Morgan: Ready. Then we trap the bats in the Lock&Lock boxes, commandeer a tractor-trailer, drive Gates and the bats out to the biker aliens in South Dakota and trade them in exchange for their immediate surrender of Mt. Rushmore.
Chuck: Why would they trade for Gates?
Morgan: Scully! How could you not know that Bill Gates is the supreme leader of the global alien conspiracy?!? How else could you explain Office '07?
Chuck: Heh. Sorry. Must have been tuning you out the day you told me. Was I eating a tofutti rice dreamsicle at the time? Excellent plan though.
Morgan: Of course it is! It's the perfect plan. That's why I'm Mulder and you're Scully.
Chuck: Insufferable know-it-all! I kick you in the head with my spiked heel!
Morgan: Oy, what did I do now? I appease you with a cadaver!!
Chuck: Ooh! Guts! Fine…I'll forgive you this time.
Morgan: I knew you could never resist my charm xD
Chuck: But wait… if the aliens surrender Mt. Rushmore we won't even need the foil.
Morgan: We'll always need the foil. How else will we cook up the fish?
Chuck: Of course! And just when I think we've been "foiled" by our own genius again, you come through with a tasty dinner (poor fish tho).
Morgan: Well, you know me. (Yes, poor fish. But quite tasty!)
Chuck: Fishkiller.
Morgan: Well, you know me. (Yes, poor fish. But quite tasty!)
Chuck: Fishkiller.
Morgan: Are you feeling ok Scully? You're repeating yourself. Or is that code? Are the penguins swimming at dawn?
Chuck: Omg! You were repeating yourself too! Wait…there was a biker gang on the road . . . They've sucked us through a dimensional portal into an AU! Wow, at least it's one where the rest stops are open in Tennessee! (back in 5)
Morgan: Oh my, whatever will we do! Quick call Red Hat to see if they can suck us out of this hole!
Morgan: Damn! It's too late! Their switchboard has been routed to a call center in India!
Chuck: Then we need Shatner and Olivia Dunham! This is a job for the whole team!
Morgan: Ahhh. Good call, good call. I do hope all of the rest stops are open. We are going to need them! Oh yeah, and don't forget Big Bird!
Chuck: Quick! Follow that bird! He knows the bathroom stall that exits the portal. Oh no! It's being guarded by Bill Gates!
Morgan: Dammit Bill! Are you sure you want to block that door?
Chuck: He says he stole the portal fair and square from a programmer working out of his basement in the 90's, and he won't allow us access until we pay $399 and upgrade to Vista!
Morgan: Vista?!? Never! We must find a way to crash his system!
Chuck: This is a job for the Nerd Herd!
Morgan: We can't trust them! The Herd is full of aliens!
Chuck: Why, oh why must I always be surrounded by aliens?!? I could have had a career in medicine you know… But, wait! It's Vista. All we need to do is upload some pictures while listening to music, IMing, streaming a video, and trying to format a 30 page roman numeral outlined document in Word. The portal entrance will freeze for hours!
Morgan: Excellent, excellent. We may still have a chance. Wait, where's Sarah? We can't leave the portal without her!
Chuck: She's waiting in the car 8-D
Morgan: Dude, it's never safe in the car!
Chuck: Heh. Don't I know it! I'll use the Herder's ejector seat to launch her through the bathroom roof…… "Hi honey! Sorry to wake you!" ;p (dodges vicious jumping spin kick)
Morgan: Hi Sarah!
Chuck: She says &$#%!!!!
Morgan: She knows she loves me! 8-D Crap! Scully! Quick! Gates has unleashed a new operating system! Can you handle it?
Chuck: Dammit! Not without hours of downloading patches and installing drivers! And tell Big Mike he needs to expand the herd, pronto.
Morgan: (knocks on bedroom wall) "Big Mike! There's an emergency at the store!" Thank God, he left. Now it's time for you two gals to start kicking ass in heels!
Chuck: We're on it!
Morgan: And quick! Get the fish off the barbie! We need him now more than ever! Hey – where'd all the girls go?
Chuck: They're back in the Bat Cave with Shatner and the truckers. Do we still have the frog? Crap! The portal is sucking up all the important stuff!
Morgan: Zoinks!! But we still have the bats, right?!
Chuck: Right! Quick! Release them into the black hole and close the stall door! Dunham can hold it open with her mind. And for God's sake get that fish to a burn unit!
Morgan: I'm on it!
Chuck: Damm it all! Bill's alien physiology is impervious to beautiful women with high heels! What now?
Morgan: Oy vey, maybe he would like a firemen calendar?
Chuck: Wait…here comes Shatner…he's singing…Bill Gates is falling into a trance…he's booking a hotel room on Priceline…I stuff him into a Lock&Lock box where he sits gazing adoringly at Shatner's face.
Morgan: Hahaha. Way to go Scully!! Once again we save the universe and the fish. On that note, I must bid you farewell and sleep for at least 12 hours. Safe travels my loyal sidekick!
Chuck: Fine. Don't stay up and play with me, see if I care :( Night.
Morgan: Nighty night my freakishly tall friend.
***
Bat Cave, North Carolina (yes, it's actually a real place)
Casey: Mission accomplished?
Sarah: Yes Casey, we've secured the tin foil, saved the dead presidents and the singing fish, and captured Bill Gates. You can rest easy now.
Casey: Excellent work Agent Reyes.
Sarah: Who??
Casey: Nevermind.
Sarah: Why do I get the feeling you're laughing at my expense?
Casey: No reason at all. Where are you?
Sarah: Er . . . Bat Cave :)
Casey: Bwahaha. Now who's showing their inner geek? Huh?
Sarah: It's a real place Casey.
Casey: Sure. Sure.
Sarah: Google it if you don't believe me.
Casey: Huh, who knew?
Sarah: So how was the alien shooting?
Casey: Why would I want to waste my time playing video games with a bunch of nerds?
Sarah: Morgan kicked your ass didn't he?
Casey: You always answer questions with questions?
Sarah: Why are you avoiding answering mine?
Casey: Why do you want to know?
Sarah: Now who's answering questions with questions?
Casey: Fine. He beat me. You happy?
Sarah: Ecstatic. As much time as he spends playing video games, I'd actually be a little worried about you if you had won.
Casey: Your vote of confidence overwhelms me.
Sarah: Chuck says he'd be happy to coach you if you want a rematch :)
Casey: Aww . . . what'd you have to go and tell him for? I'll never hear the end of it!
Sarah: Always happy to help, partner :D
Casey: It's the middle of the night on that side of the country. Shouldn't you be sleeping?
Sarah: Well I would be, if the alien-fighting geeks in my life would quit with the texting!
Casey: I'm sure you're talking about Morgan.
Sarah: Sure. Morgan. Yeah.
Casey: Hey, do me a favor and punch 2452 into the radio.
Sarah: No freakin' way!
Casey: Aren't you even curious as to what it does?
Sarah: Nope. Not a bit. Sorry.
Casey: You're no fun at all Walker. You know that?
Sarah: Thanks. Coming from you that means a lot.
Casey: I bet you do have a big old geek side in there somewhere. Bet you were even in the science club in high school and everything.
Sarah: Go to bed Casey. I'll let you know when we get there.
Casey: Come on. Name one character in a sci-fi movie. Just one.
Sarah: Good night Casey.
Casey: Fine. Night. I'm feeling the strange urge to watch some X-Files reruns anyways. Gotta love that badass supersoldier in the last season.
Sarah: Can one of you please tell me why Chuck finds that so freakin' hilarious?
Casey: Sorry. It's classified.
Sarah: Uh huh.
Casey: One sci-fi reference and I'll tell you. Just one. You can do it.
Sarah: Sorry Casey. Goodnight. Enjoy your geekfest.
Casey: Night Walker.
***
Iredell, North Carolina (bonus points available here)
Morgan: Scully? You up? I can't sleep.
Morgan: Help me Obi Wan Scully, you're my only hope!
Morgan: Scuuulllllleeeeeeee???
Morgan: I know you're still in the car.
Sarah: Morgan! I swear to God, if I hear the Mexican Hat Dance one more time tonight, I'm going to have Casey shove your iPhone deep into any orifice of his choosing!
Sarah: Morgan?
Sarah: Morgan?
Sarah: Good boy.
***
So with the universe safe from the alien biker gangs once more, Chuck and Sarah arrive safely at a top-secret location that in no way resembles my apartment. There they sleep for the entirety of the next day and when they wake up they start to wash two weeks worth of road-tripped laundry, only to realize that the dryer is still broken and they need to pack the car back up and go to the laundromat -- #$##ing reality!!