This was also something I wanted to write: a Disney/Hanna parody, written in this style of fanfickery (I just made that word up because I'm awesome) because I love it so much.
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Snow White: A Parody
Once upon a time in a far off land, there lived a beautiful princess with hair dark as sin and skin as white as snow that hasn't been pissed all over yet. And she was meticulous in her cleanliness. That's important.
Conrad: I'm a he! And I'm not a princess!
And besides being a touchy prick, she was beloved by all her people.
Conrad: *Mumbling* I am not a prick…
Except for her evil step mother, the queen, who was insanely jealous of her step-daughter.
Abner: He is unclean.
For a while, the queen tolerated the princess, but only if she would clean and scrub everything to the point of sparkling. To appease the queen, the princess did as she was bid, dreaming of the day her prince would come to take her away.
Worth: *Flicks off cigarette butt lazily* Tha's me.
Each day the queen would demand from the mirror to name the cleanest maiden in the land. And each day the mirror would always name her to be the most unsoiled. Until one day…
Abner: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the –is that dust?
Mirror: What?
Abner: Right there. It's a speck of dust!
Mirror: No, I don't think so Your Highness.
Abner: I'm pretty certain it is.
Mirror: *Coughs politely* Your question, Your Highness?
Abner: Right. Mirror, mirror, on the stand, who's the purest in the land?
Mirror: Well it's true you look great smothered in bleach–
Abner: *Blushes and giggles like a school girl* Oh stop it.
Mirror: –There is another who is the cleanliest maiden in the land.
Abner: *Blinks slowly* What?
Mirror: Her skin is pure white as snow
Abner: What…
Mirror: Her hair as unsoiled as night
Abner: What.
Mirror: Her glasses are shinier than a clear-cut diamond
Abner: What!
Mirror: It is the Princess Conrad who has cleanliness above them all.
Abner: WHAT!
Mirror: And so–
Abner: *Grabs a bat and beats the mirror to death* SHUT UP FOOL! PARADOX!
Paradox: *Appears, squeaks*
Abner: Fetch me my hunter!
Paradox: *Salutes haphazardly without the benefit of thumbs*
It wasn't long before the queen's faithful pet located her hunter. He was said to be the greatest hunter in the land, not even taking the time for necessities such as eating and sleeping in order to hunt day and night. Presumably he just killed things and left them to rot. But some say he gave them away. Yep. I'm going to say he gave them away, probably to–
Hunter: I believe you are giving away spoilers.
Right. Well, he was an excellent hunter, which was why the queen sought him now in her time of need.
Abner: Hunter!
Hunter: Your highness?
Abner: Take the princess deep into the forest that only you know so well, and slay her!
Hunter: Beg pardon?
Abner: Slay her! Kill her! Stab her in the throat, slide the blade down her gullet, rip open her chest cavity, cut out her heart, and bring it to me! In this box! *Holds up an empty Clorox wipes canister*
Hunter: Why?
Abner: *Practically frothing at the mouth* SO THAT I MAY CLEAN IT.
Hunter: …
Abner: GO!
Hunter: *Salutes indifferently and walks off*
Paradox: *Slithers over to the queen* Chatterchatter?
Abner: I don't know, my pet. Maybe he's trying to blend in with the trees.
Paradox: Chatter?
Abner: Yes, I realize only the leaves are green! But it works for him, I guess.
The hunter reluctantly sought out the lovely princess to take her to her doom. He took her into the forest under the pretense that there was a great coffee shop somewhere in the darkest part of the woods that he knew she'd enjoy.
Hunter: *Monotone* Come with me, princess. There is a great coffee shop hidden in the darkest part of the woods that you might enjoy.
Conrad: Fine, whatever.
They headed off into the darkest part of the forest where no one could hope to hear the princess being brutally murdered and ripped to pieces. But as they neared their destination, the hunter faltered. Possibly, he did not even give a shit about killing the princess to begin with.
Conrad: Where's the coffee shop?
Hunter: There isn't one.
Conrad: *Eyes the hunter suspiciously* What?
Hunter: The queen sent me here to kill you.
Conrad: What!
Hunter: And to rip out your heart.
Conrad: That asshole! I knew there was something wrong with that guy when he told me to scrub the dirt off his dirt!
Hunter: Uh, okay. Well, you're free.
Conrad: What?
Hunter: I'm setting you free. I didn't actually plan to kill you. It would be better to just have you take off for a while so the queen will be less batshit crazy and might actually take care of her people. Or something.
Conrad: Yeah, okay. That makes sense.
Hunter: Better get going.
Conrad: Right.
The princess took off into the woods, leaving the hunter staring nonchalantly after her. She grumbled the entire way through, lifting her skirts to keep the dirt off of her.
Conrad: I'm not wearing a skirt!
But you are avoiding the dirt.
Conrad: Of course! It's dirt!
You're in a forest. There's dirt everywhere.
Conrad: Shut up!
So the dirty princess who wasn't wearing any bottoms–
Conrad: I am wearing bottoms!
It's not a skirt.
Conrad: They're pants!
Princesses wear skirts.
Conrad: Piss off!
The brave princess continued to prance around the woods looking for… for whatever. A new home maybe, as if there would randomly be one there for her.
Conrad: Hey look! A random home!
The princess approached the place hesitantly, wary of what may lay inside. She circled the place once, twice. She peered into the windows, and, satisfied that no one crazy was inside, finally knocked on the door.
Voice on the other side of the door: Who is it!
Conrad: A wandering, er, wanderer. Seeking a place to live for a while.
Voice on the other side of the door: Okay awesome!
The door opened, revealing a boy with curly red hair and a stupid grin slapped across his face.
Conrad: What the –Hanna!
Hanna: Hiya!
Conrad: You're one of the seven dwarves?
Hanna: I'm the dwarf.
Conrad: What happened to the rest of them?
Hanna: *Grins sheepishly* They, uh, they left.
Conrad: *Dryly* I can't imagine why. What about the hunter? *Gestures to the hunter who is lurking in the doorway behind the Hanna-Dwarf*
Hanna: *Shrugs* He has nothing better to do?
Conrad: *Sighs* Fine.
Meanwhile, back at the castle the queen received her magic Clorox wipes container that the hunter had sent along to her. There was indeed a heart inside of it, but, unbeknownst to the queen, it was not the heart of the princess. It was the heart of a pig.
Hanna: *Mouth full, barbecue sauce all over face* Ish gud, righ'?
Conrad: *Tries not to vomit* Urgh.
Giddy and greedy, the queen wrenched it open, and poured bleach inside. Then she closed it, and shook it up. She then opened it again, dumped out the bloody bleach, and poured more bleach inside. Rinse, lather, repeat. Eventually it dissolved into nothing, and the queen rejoiced.
Abner: The princess is no more!
To make herself feel even better for her triumph, the queen went to her new magic mirror imported from China to hear it say that she was (now) the purest in the land.
Abner: Mirror, mirror on the stand, who's the cleanest in the land?
Mirror: 不是你。
Abner: What!
Mirror: 还有另一种。 公主康拉德。
Abner: But she is dead!
Mirror: 这是一头猪的心脏混蛋。
Abner: A PIG!
Outraged, the queen destroyed this mirror too.
Abner: So the hunter has failed me! On purpose! I guess I'll just have to kill her myself.
Paradox: Chatter?
Abner: No, you're staying here. To hold down the fort.
Paradox: Chatterchatter.
Abner: Of course I'm sure! I'm not crazy!
And so the queen hurried off to her secret lair, where she did the only thing she could think of doing.
Abner: I'll disguise myself as an old lady who works for the red cross, so that I can offer the princess a sample blood bag, and she'll eat it! But I'll have poisoned it! SO SHE WILL DIE! IT'S BRILLIANT!
The queen worked her dark magic, transforming herself into a housewife in maybe her mid-forties, fifties, wearing a lab coat and cheap lipstick who just needed a hobby. Her disguise complete, she siphoned off blood from a random dead guy in her cellar. She grinned and hurried off to the forest where, for whatever reasons, she knew her step-daughter to be.
And back at the little cottage in the woods…
Hanna: Me and Hemsworth are going to go fight demons and stuff, wanna come with?
Conrad: No.
Hanna: Okay. Well, you'll be by yourself.
Conrad: Alright.
Hanna: All alone.
Conrad: Yes.
Hanna: With no one else here.
Conrad: Got it.
Hanna: And since the evil queen is probably looking for you, it's not going to be safe.
Conrad: She thinks I'm dead.
Hanna: Uh, yeah. Well anyway don't open the door to strangers or anything, especially the ones who look like they're up to good.
Conrad: You mean no good?
Hanna: Heh, Connie you're adorable.
Together Hanna and the hunter headed off into the forest, leaving the princess behind.
Conrad: I have the sudden urge… to bake a pie? And have wild birds jump all over it?
Several hours passed. Conrad indeed made a pie, if only to entice the birds to come near, just to close the window at the last second and chuckle to himself over their angry chirping.
Conrad: I think all this bullshit is starting to wear on me.
Meanwhile, in possibly another part of the forest…
Abner: *Stumbles upon the random cottage* Wow, that was lucky.
It wasn't another part of the forest at all. It was the same exact spot almost. The queen heaved her new form down the hill leading to the place that might as well be a black hole, sucking everyone into it like that.
Cottage: I'm magic!
Upon reaching the cottage, the queen knocked on the window. Because, you know, windows beat doors.
Abner: *Knocks, brushes off an atom of dirt from a molecule of dirt*
Conrad: *Angry at being interrupted from whatever it is Conrad does on his own time* *Fantasizing about opacities, probably* Hanna, if that's you knocking on the windows–
The princess threw open the windows ready to interrogate a dwarf, but was unexpectedly startled by an ugly old red cross representative instead.
Conrad: Gah!
Abner: Why hello …my dear!
Conrad: H-hi?
Abner: I'm a harmless red cross nurse just passing through these lovely woods to find the local mall where we're holding a blood drive, and I accidentally stumbled upon this cottage! Ha-ha! Ha-ha! May I come in?
Now the princess would have said no, but talking about all those… malls made her awfully hungry.
Far across the woods, the Hanna dwarf suddenly sensed that something was wrong at his cottage. Or, rather, a swarm of pissed off birds alerted him to the douchebaggery of the princess.
Bird: Chirp chirp chirrrrrrrrp!
Hanna: What?
Bird: Chirp chirp!
Hanna: Oh that's not nice! I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding!
Bird: Chirp!
Hanna: Are you sure it was my cottage?
Bird: Chirp!
Hanna: The one at the bottom of a small hill?
Bird: Chirp!
Hanna: The one with the helpless princess inside?
Bird: *Rolls eyes* Fucking chirp!
Hanna: We're on our way!
Happy to please, Hanna and the hunter headed back to his place to chill everyone out.
Meanwhile, back at the cottage, the princess had the wits to not let the stranger into the Hanna-Dwarf's house, but she did open the window wide enough to make it an easy entry point.
Conrad: I can't let you in, but here I am, widening this window why not.
Abner: Excellent! Oh, my …dear. You look so terribly pale. Would you be interested in this here blood bag that I already have, even though I just said I hadn't made it to the blood drive yet?
Conrad: *Stomach grumbles* Er, I don't think–
Abner: *Pulls out the bag and waves it alluringly* Oh please? It would be so nice of you to let me treat you!
Conrad: *Stomach roars and launches itself at the walls of his insides* Fine.
The princess in her charming naivety took the bag from the old bat. In a hilarious twist of fate, that was when Hanna and the hunter appeared at the top of the hill, just in time to witness the princess's doom.
Hanna: Oh shit!
Hunter: …
They both took off down the hill running full tilt boogie toward the house, one of them screaming at the top of his lungs. I'll give you a hint: It was Hanna. The princess, however, was too entranced by the blood to notice, and took an unsuspecting sip. The death in it hit her instantly. Her blood ran cold and stopped altogether.
Abner: I DID IT!
At that precise moment, a very upset Hanna and hunter barreled into the disguised queen, ripping her clean in half.
Abner: Gack! *Dies*
Hanna: *Wipes the blood of the dead queen onto his clothes, which bleached the color out of the spots it touched* PRINCESS!
But it was too late. Knowing nothing else to do for her, Hanna and the hunter crafted an ornate glass coffin to set the body of the still princess inside. They placed the entire thing in the middle of the forest and guarded it day and night. Well, hunter did. Hanna slept occasionally.
Word of the beautiful princess lying asleep in a glass coffin in the woods spread far and wide. Many people were shocked and upset by the news of their beloved princess being out for the count. However, there was one who was delighted by it, if only because he now knew where to find the one he had been searching for.
Worth: Gee-up horse.
Horse *Wheezes from second hand smoke*
Worth: None o' yer lip.
Weeks went by for Hanna and the hunter, sad, sad weeks. And then in spring, a prince appeared on his horse. Near and far he had searched for his beloved princess, and, here, was she. In a glass coffin. Pretty much helpless.
Worth: *Jumps off his horse with all the grace of a Worth* Fin'lly, my search's over.
Hanna: It's the prince!
Hunter: Yes.
Standing reverently aside, Hanna and the hunter allowed the majestic prince to remove the lid of the glass coffin and kneel over the princess for one last kiss. Or a series of kisses. There had been rumors as to the particulars of this prince's sexual appetite, but nothing anyone would believe. Or, you know, dare accuse him of.
The entire forest held its breath as the prince kissed the princess. Was this true love? Could it wake the poor, clean princess?
Instantly some color flooded back into the cheeks of the princess, and she took her first breath in a long, long time. The creatures of the woods cheered and a heart-felt string quartet struck up a tune as the princess's eyes fluttered awake and–
Conrad: *Sees the prince standing over him, a shit-eating grin plastered across his face* AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGH WHAT THE FF–
Hanna: The princess! SHE IS ALIVE!
Worth: Hell ya she is. *Lights up a cigarette* Time ter get outta here. Wanna ride my horse princess?
Conrad: SON OF A FUCKING BITCH WORTH WHAT THE BLOODY–
And they all lived happily ever after.
Hanna: CONRAD JUST ATE WORTH
Heh. Yes. Yes he did. BAM.
End.