Pain. Overtaking my body, shooting up my arm, making me feel free. Tears. Streaming down my face, dripping on the floor, making me feel weak. Water. Shooting forcefully out of the head of the shower, tip-tapping on the wall of the bathroom, covering up the sound of my crying. I step in the shower, hissing in pain at the heat on my arm. Blood drips down my arm and onto the floor of the shower, the red mixing with the clear and being washed away. I hear a smash from somewhere outside the bathroom, and I jump. My feet slip underneath me and I tumble to the floor of the shower, hitting my head on the way down. I yell something along the lines of "holy fuck that hurts" but nobody comes rushing in to see if I'm okay. They don't care. My mum and step-dad are too busy ripping each other to shreds to care about their faggot of a son. My older brother is too busy playing on his Xbox and hating me to care. I feel around the area that I hit and sure enough, there's a lump. I sigh and pour a generous amount of shampoo onto my hand, and lather it into my hair. Then I wash it all out, turn the shower off, step out, dry off and get changed into my school uniform, making sure to take extra care when I put my shirt and jumper on. Then I go into my room to dry and straighten my hair. I grab a cereal bar from the cupboard and head into the brisk English air. It's just one of those days where it's so warm, but it's also really cold. I hate summer. My feet scuff along the pavement, little bits of black flaking from the end of my shoe. I trace the edges of then walls that I go past, admiring all the pretty patterns carved into the bricks. My mind begins to wander to other things. When I have my own house, who will I live with? Will I be married? Will I be an actor, like I always hoped? Or am I damned to a life of office working until I'm 65, with no kids and a ton of dogs or snakes or something? Nobody likes me now, why will it be any different after school has finally finished?

I reach the school in record time and make my way to form room. Luckily, only my tutor is in there.
"Good morning, Daniel. How was your weekend?"
"Good!" I lie. My weekends are always nothing better than crap. I take my seat in the isolated corner of the room and pull out my battered copy of The Hunger Games. I feel I can somewhat relate to Katniss, I mean in the sense that I prefer spending time alone than to be with anyone. Be it because I prefer it genuinely or because nobody actually wants to hang out with me is not important. And I was with my sister as Katniss is with Prim, before she moved away with our dad.
People start to file into the room in little groups, giggly teenage girls, talking about that 'heartthrob' that starred in that movie that one time. Rambunctious boys, discussing who took the largest dump on Saturday and who has or hasn't slept with Stacey at least once. The nerds, clutching their homework folders close to them out of fear that someone will hit it on the floor. Then somebody, a boy that I don't recognise, closely followed by the head teacher. I look up from my book to see his dark fringe, almost identical to mine but on the opposite side. His slender figure, with his hands on top of each other, thumbs twitching out of nervousness. His eyes meet mine for a brief second and oh- they are the most beautiful blue! He looks away quickly, scanning the room, focusing on the groups of people. I look down at my book quickly, hoping that he won't notice the pink that I can feel flush across my cheeks. I concentrate on the words, letting myself fall into the world of the arena, before I hear "oi, faggot" from the other end of the classroom. I flinch and look up to see PJ, the class bully, staring at me with venom in his eyes.
"What are you doing?"
"Oh me?" I pick up my book so he can see "this thing? It's called a book, you may have heard of one, it's what people used to entertain themselves before porn was invented, but I'm sure you wouldn't have heard of them, they're for smart people, wanker" I put my middle finger up any the group of boys as they sat there, gawking at me.
"Don't stare, it's rude" I say, and then look back at my book. I look up again when I heard my name being mentioned from the far end of the classroom. I see my tutor point at me, and then the new boy nods and walks towards me. When he reaches my table, he carefully places his folder on the table, then flings his bag on the floor and slides in the seat beside me.
"Hi!" He smiles cheerfully, and I reply with a quick huff and a nod.
"I'm Phil! I just moved to Reading, and obviously I'm new here!" He says with a slight northern accent.
"I'm Dan" I grunt.
"Do you think you could show me round the school a bit? Obviously I have no clue what I'm doing!" This time I properly look at him.
"Look, I'm going to be straight with you, people here don't like me. And if you want to fit in here, and want people to be nice to you, I suggest you do the same, otherwise you'll be that one weirdo that hangs out with the lonely faggot boy, and that's not something I can recommend. So just ignore me, everyone else does it" he blinks his big eyes, obviously hurt, and looks away.
"Finally found yourself another fag to hang out with?" PJ shouts at me.
"Well no, unless you decided you wanted to do something this weekend?" I shoot back, earning a quick chuckle from Phil next to me.
"Boys!" Miss Johnson yells at us. I scoff. She sighs at me and looks back at her laptop.
"Oi, new guy! You're not friends with this fag are you?" He says, walking towards our table.
"Well I don't-"
"Good! Come sit with us, we'll help you get settled here!" I look up and see him fidgeting.
"I- no I'm good"
"C'mon!"
"No, I'm fine here" PJ scoffs
"Whatever" he walks away, back to his table, and just when I think I can finally read my book, one of the girls on the table in front of me spins her chair round and sits opposite Phil. I grumble and pull out my phone, pretending to text.
"Hi, I'm Stacey! And you are?" She says softly, obviously flirting.
"Hi, I'm Phil" he replies flatly. She's the prettiest girl in the school, and has slept with half of the population of England, and I'm sure if I was that way inclined, I would fancy the hell out of her like most of the boys here.
"So, you're new here, do you need a tour guide?" I look up to see her leaning towards him, blinking her eyelashes.
"Listen, I'm sure you're lovely, but if you're trying to do what I think you're trying to do then you should know that I'm gay, therefore I do not want your legs wrapped around my head like I'm sure you've done to most of the boys in this class. That is of course, providing you aren't hiding a dick under that skirt of yours" she flinches back as soon as he says the word gay, and I immediately look up. She then gives him an evil look and turns her chair round.
"That was a bad idea. They're all a bunch of prejudice twats" He studies me for a second before saying "that's stupid"
"Yeah, well they're stupid" I shrug
"That's it? That's all you have to say about it?"
"Well, what do you expect me to do? You've been here five minutes, Phil. I've been here four years. I think I may know a little more about the school than you, okay? So just drop it so I can go back to reading my book" I pick my book back up and just as I'm about to read again, I hear him sniff.
"Look, I'm sorry" I apologise, putting one hand on his arm. He flinches slightly, the exact same way I've done many a time.
"You okay?" I ask, concerned.
"Hm? Yeah, I'm fine, just, you know, someone walking over my grave!" He chuckles nervously.
"No. No I don't believe you. I know that flinch, I know it all too well" he shrinks into his seat, the confident happy persona morphing into a scared little boy.
"Honestly- it's nothing"
"If it's nothing then you won't mind taking your jumper off?" His eyes widen, fear striking.
"But- it's cold in here"
"It's the middle of summer and it's very warm in here so don't give me that"
"I'll take mine off if you take yours off" this time it's my turn to be scared.
"It's cold in here!" I complain
"It's the middle of summer" he replies, mocking my exact tone.
"Oh I see how it is" he continues to mock me, copying my every movement.
"Seriously though, you should probably stop talking to- STOP!" His hands drop into his lap.
"You shouldn't talk to me. Unless you want to be bullied to shit" his eyes drop into his lap and he spins around to face the front.
"I'm sorr-" I start.
"You know what? Save it. I didn't have any friends in my old school, and why? Because I was outcasted for being gay. I'm not ashamed of it, it's what sets me aside from half the twats that live in England, but clearly you've got an issue with it so don't bother pretending you're sorry, because you're really not" I sit there in stunned silence for a couple of seconds before sighing. If he only knew. The bell sounded, indicating for us to go to first lesson.
"Do you know where Miss Powell's classroom is?" Phil asked quietly.
"Yeah, I've got her now so just follow me" he nods and follows me to the maths classroom. I take my seat on the only empty table at the back of the classroom, much like I did in tutor. Miss Powell walks in with an armful of yellow maths books.
"You must be Phil" she says cheerfully.
"The very same!" He replies.
"Well I think the only free seat is the one at the back next to Dan. He's a lovely gentleman, I'm sure you'll get along splendidly!" He chuckles
"Mhm, I'm sure we will" he drags his feet over to the empty seat next to me and does exactly as he did in form, places his folder down and flings his bag on the floor.
"Do you have a pen I can borrow?" He asks me.
"Sure" I pull one out and hand it to him. He thanks me and starts to tap on the table. Students begin to file in and soon enough the classroom is full. Our books get handed out, mine thrown at my head by someone that I never bothered to learn the name of, followed by a "fag" and a laugh. Phil looks at me sadly but I look away.

The lesson ends and I show Phil to English, which ends up being exactly the same as maths but with less algebra and more Shakespeare. What I mean is, Phil had to sit by me, I got the piss taken out of me and Phil and I once again sat in awkward silence for an hour. Then time for break.
I rush out of the classroom and into the library, pulling out my book once more.

After three more lessons of boringness and lunchtime, it's time to finally go home, where I can continue to be ignored by my family. I rush out of school and down the path, pulling out my phone when I hear the familiar, annoying 'Marimba' ringtone.
"Hello?" I say down the phone
"Dan, you stupid fag, get your ass back home now or you're grounded for the rest of the time you're at school"
"Mum, I've only just got out of school, I'll be home in ten minutes!"
"Don't you backchat me, you stupid little cunt!"
"Mum- I'm sorry-"
"Just fucking get home" then the line goes dead. A tear rolls down my cheek and onto my hand. Why does life have to be like this?

I get home in 6 minutes and am greeted by the smell of alcohol, fast food and cigarette smoke.
"About fucking time"
"Why did you need me home so quickly?"
"I found this in your bathroom" she pulls a shiny object from her pocket. I gasp.
"So not only are you a faggot, you're an emo faggot. I've been nothing but hospitable, I gave you a house, a phone, food and drink, everything you could need, and this is how you repay me?"
"You deprived me if one thing I really needed"
"What"
"Love" she stares down at me for a couple of seconds.
"Get out. Go on, go. I don't want you in this house, go and live with your fucking dad, you ungrateful little shit!" She raises her hand and I feel the impact on my face. Without saying a word, I turn and run up to my bedroom. Usually, parents say this but don't mean it, but we both know she's not. She's been threatening to kick me out for a while, so I know she's being dead serious. My brother is waiting at the top of the stairs.
"Come to laugh at me? Cheer that you are finally rid of your brother?" He shakes his head sadly.
"No, I just- I'm sorry, Dan. It's not right that she should treat you like that, whilst she treats me like she should treat a son. I don't know why she does it, but it's not right"
"Why do you care?"
"Come here" he beckons me into his room. I follow him.
"Sit down" I sit on his bed. He rummages about in his drawer and pulls out a box.
"I was going to save this for when I went back to university, but I think you need it more" he hands me the box and I open it.
"No, Adrian I can't take this!" I try to hand it back, but he pushes it away
"I've got a job, I can get more, you need it"
"Why are you doing this?"
"You're my little brother! I don't want you on the streets like a peasant or whatever. Use it to get to dad's house, or something. Just take it!" I smile.
"Thank you so much, Adrian, this means a lot. Are you sure you won't need it?" He shakes his head
"I love you, lil bro! I know is don't act like it sometimes, but I really do!" I place the box on the bed and stand up.
"Thank you" I hug him.
"Now please, hurry, you know what mums like! Be careful, I'll miss you!" His face looks saddened and a can see the makings of a tear in his brown eyes, but I exit the room without pointing it out. I run into my room and push some compulsory items in a bag, like my laptop, some clothes, chargers, and the money Adrian gave me. I count it up, nearly three thousand pounds! I can't believe he gave this to me! I push some other things into the bag, filling it as much as I can, and fling it over my shoulder. I run down the stairs and into the living room.
"You sure you want me to go?" I ask. Mum scoffs.
"Please. I would like nothing more. You're just an ungrateful little shit and I wish you'd never been born. I wish I'd stopped at Adrian. He's a lovely lad, I wish you were more like him"
"Well, bye"
"Goodbye, and good fucking riddance" and I leave her like that, smoking her cigarette, with a vodka bottle in her hand, and I leave the house. And with any luck, I won't ever go back.

so good news, I'm not dead! I just took a break for a while just to think about stuff, but I'm back and posting again!

r&r for love

love always

~Georgie'xo~