Fanfiction
Peter sighed as he collapsed on his large comfy couch face first. He was tired, dead tired of non-stop being a hero for the last eight hours. His body ached, his stomach was empty, but he neither took the effort, nor did he have the energy to walk to the fridge and get something to eat. Heck, the only thing he did once he reached his home was removing his mask for some precious fresh air.
Thank god it was weekend, Friday evening to be precise. Although he had a nice contract with Horizon Labs, it didn't mean he could be Spider-Man all the time. It had cost him his job as a school professor and he wasn't interested in a repeat. He could sleep out tomorrow, New York could handle itself for a single morning without Spider-Man.
Then the door slammed open with a loud smack.
''Hey Peter, Deadpool's in the house!'' A voice announced at the top of his lungs. Even if the man hadn't said his name, there would be no confusion as to who it was. Heroes tend to remember their most memorable moments and it was no secret that Deadpool was the type to leave an imprint in ones memory.
Peter groaned into the soft cushion of his couch and then looked up. ''Please don't tell me someone hired you to assassinate me… again!''
The man in black and red chuckled. ''Ha I wish, but no I come bearing grave news!''
Peter raised an eyebrow and was starting to make a quip until he notice something inside the man's hands.
''Is that bleach?'' Peter asked.
''Yup!''
Peter gulped nervously. ''Why?''
''Because I am going to need this after I'm finished of course!''
''Right,'' Peter drawled out for a moment. ''So what is it Wade? I'm tired, hungry and there's a pizza with my name on it in the freezer. The longer you keep me from it, the more I am interested in learning how well your body reacts to cryostasis.''
''Now, now,'' Deadpool chuckled, not looking nervous in the slightest. ''Calm down, I'm simply the messenger.''
''Then speak up,'' Peter growled
Deadpool placed his bottle of bleach on the nearest table and jumped down next to him on the couch, making him bounce up due to the shockwave and because he launched himself upwards to the ceiling.
There's no telling what Deadpool would do next, no need to take a risk and get close.
''Now, you know I know what you people don't know right?'' He started, placing his feet upon the table.
''Right, you are talking about your odd psychic abilities aren't you,'' Peter noted, landing down on the floor and shoving Deadpool's feet on the ground, making the man groan like a child.
''Yup my Fourth Wall Sense! It's almost like your Spider-sense, except less Spider-sense and also less common sense.''
''I take it you just used it and found out about something,'' Peter questioned on.
''Right you are buddy!'' Deadpool said, slapping Peter on the shoulder making him glare at him. ''Take a look at this!''
Before Peter even realized it, he found a laptop placed on his lap, the screen lit and asking for a password. He raised his eyebrow at Deadpool who chuckled and quickly typed in the password.
Chimichanga!
Of course it is.
The screen loaded for several seconds before finally a white web page opened up.
''Alright Wade, what am I looking at?'' Peter asked carefully.
''I shit you not, but these are apparently our fans,'' The Merc With A Mouth answered.
''Eh? Really?'' Peter asked and focused on the web page again. There were countless stories of him, filled with genre's like action, drama and romance.
''Hey, I guess you're right, look at all these pages,'' Peter spoke with awe as he saw all the works staring him.
''And that's not all! Look closer, see what the summary shows!'' Deadpool said with an almost gleeful expression.
''Eh, Spidey X Kitty? SM X BC? Peter X Gwen?'' Peter questionably asked, his companion.
''Romance partners. You and Shadowcat. You and that smoking leather wearing burglar and you and the girl you killed by snapping her n-ack!'' Deadpool answered cheerfully before a firm grip swallowed his throat.
''I can do the same to you if you say that again,'' Peter glared, arm outstretched and obviously pissed off.
''N-noted,'' Deadpool managed to stammer out, making Peter release his hand.
''Damn Spidey, sometimes I wonder why they don't let you be the dominant one, you and your blind rage moments are scary dangerous.''
''What are you talking about this time Wade?'' Peter warned him.
''Scroll down, you'll see,'' He answered mysteriously and Peter obeyed warily. His eyes landed on a single line of text that made his skin crawl.
''What the… Spidey X Deadpool M/M? What?''
''Exactly!''
With a sense of dread Peter clicked on the link and read it's content.
At first it looked normal, but soon his stomach whirled as he continued on. The indescribable things he saw written made the hair on his head stand upright and he was sure his face had paled considerably.
''What is this I don't even,'' Peter spoke with confusion as he closed the tab of the page and stared at Deadpool, who was busy holding in his laughter.
''Exactly! Now take a look at the filter and place us in the character tab.'' He ordered, which Peter did, again with much wary.
''Oh god… I think I feel that hotdog from an hour ago coming up,'' Peter said as he looked at the results, holding his stomach.
''You think you have it bad? When I read about us, I shot a hole in my stomach with my shotgun.''
''And what is this? Spidey X Venom? Why!''
''Yuck, man and tentacles do not mix,'' Deadpool agreed.
Peter placed the laptop on the table and stood up, pacing around the room with a blank expression. ''Wade what is this?'' He finally asked the merc, who had taken possession of the laptop and.
''The most evil existence in the world.'' He answered ominously.
''The Green Goblin?''
''Nope! Fangirls!''
Peter didn't even bother to respond to that answer, nor did he need to ask Deadpool continued on as usual.
''Fangirls! They dream and they wish for what shall never happen. They think the perfect match is one of homosexuality even if it breaks all lore!'' Deadpool practically preached in the air, as if speaking to someone out there, but the turned to Peter again.
''Tell me every relationship you ever had right now!'' He demanded.
''Eh sure let me think. Gwen, Mary Jane, let's not forget Black Cat. Does Ms. Marvel count? She did have a crush on me. Oh and Silver Sable kissed me before dying, although Julia did say she survived. Then there was Liz Allen, boy that was long ago. And Debra Whitman, Carlyn Earle-''
''See, lot's of vagina and tits!'' Deadpool interrupted. ''For the whole list go the Spidey's Life is a Game Chapter 29.''
''Are you doing that thing again? Because I know when you don't make sense.''
''And then there's my romance life.'' Deadpool ignored Peter and went on.
''Copycat, A.K.A. Vanessa Caryle. Siryn, otherwise known as Theresa Cassidy. Then there was Death herself of course, with her boney booty. Then there were a couple more girls, but you get my point.''
''That they are all girls?'' Peter guessed.
''Got it in one Spidey!''
Peter sighed, looking at his feet for a moment before looking at the man again. ''So what are we going to do now?''
''What do you mean?''
''Didn't you come here to ask me to stop this?''
A strange noise came out of Deadpool's throat and it took Peter a while to learn he was simply laughing. ''Whatever gave you that idea!?''
''Why else did you come here!''
''To torment you of course. I can't handle his truth on my own, so I decided you being the one involved should take a piece of the pie.''
''So that's it? There's nothing we can do?''
''You can't tell other people what they can or cannot do Spidey. It's their choice if they want to write homosexual adventures, all we can do is ignore it and hope for a filter that allows us to remove all the slash from the list.'' Deadpool answered with was probably the sanest answer he had said in the whole conversation.
''I don't feel so hungry anymore. I am going to bed and forget this ever happened.
''That's what the bottle of Bleach is for Spidey. I am going to pour this baby on my brain and hope I'll forget everything about the subject.''
''You do realize that you'll simply regenerate everything, including your memories right?'' Peter rebuffed as the man walked towards the door.
''Don't care! YOLO!'' Deadpool shouted out an ran out of the apartment.
Peter sighed and was about to walk to his bedroom when he noticed the laptop was still there. With a grunt he picked it up and placed it next to some of his other electronics.
At the very least he gained a free computer out of the ordeal, though he wasn't sure if it was worth it.
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Not that I am complaining or anything, but I really wish that there was some kind of option in the filter that allows us readers and writers to remove through certain topics that we don't want to see.
A great example is slash.