Disclaimer: I do not own the Mentalist, I just borrow the characters.
This is set after 06x19.
Patrick Jane has just left a bar, obviously drunk. His keys are missing and he can hardly stand on his own legs. He wobbles to an alley then bends over to throw up. He slumps against a rotten dumpster and falls to the ground. He is out of his usual attire, now wearing old jeans riddled with holes and a faded tee from the seventies. Out of the corner of his eye, he notices a homeless man – or just another weak man down on his luck – getting mugged for nothing more than a couple soup cans.
"Hey!" He hears himself holler.
The mugger turns and rushes over to Jane. He is dressed warm, all in black and he holds up a knife, ready to attack. Jane bobbles, looking the man in the eye as much as possible.
"See dis?" He asks the assaulter, speech garbled from the many vodka tonics and other liquors. He holds out his wedding ring. "Itch alls I gotch left froma da weddin'. Itch real."
The man wavers a bit then snatches it from Jane's open palm. He holds it like a hobbit's treasure and runs away. The homeless man watches the encounter with heavy eyes. He turns his attention to Jane.
"Much obliged." Is all he mutters before passing out.
Jane nods. He throws up again, this time on his lap. He takes out his cell phone and giddily watches as the numbers dance around. As they cease, he presses speed-dial one, in hopes of speed-dial two. After the third ring, a sleepy voice answers.
"J-Jane?"
"We neeja talk." He slurs, rocking himself against the rubbish dump. "Chew pitch me up?"
"Where are," she pauses then continues with anxiety. "Are you drunk?"
"I chant let her leave!" He ignores the question.
"Who?" She sits up in bed, searching for an outfit. She looks up at her clock. 1:32 AM.
"Youse knows there's shumptin off bout dat Pike. I ongly took dat art crase cuz I wanted to one-up him. But I even gots Terezzza playin as my wife but she felled fer him instead."
"Jane."
Jane interrupts by vomiting, loud and long. Lisbon is dressed. She pulls on her shoes. She grabs her keys and a gun from her end table. Jane noisily groans then continues.
"I cares bout her hapness. But I'm shellfish."
"Where are you?" She starts her car.
"Alley. Wants to knows why I'm shellfish?"
"Why are you selfish?"
"Cuz I cares more bout her than her hapness. Geez, Cho…"
Lisbon looks down in shock. Did he just call her Cho? Was he that out of it? She thinks about calling Cho, then decides she can handle this on her own.
"Youse knows, I wash gonna kill myshelf that day."
"What day?" Lisbon asks worriedly.
"That day I signed on. I wash thinkin nuthin was worth it. But I met her. Sho beauty-ful but troubled. Nuthin like Angela."
She gasps. He never talks about his past. But now, while he's drunk and talking to her, thinking she's Cho, he's throwing it all out there. She slows down at an alley and shines her light. Nothing but a stray dog, eating from a trash can.
"Angela," he carries on. "She was cold. I din't really shee it when I wash young, caush we ongly gots married so's we could leave da carny life. But we wash gonna get divorsh when she gotch pregnant, had Charlotte. Shumhow, Charlotte sheems more like Cherezzza than Angela. Never liked Angela."
The call becomes dead silence. Lisbon slows down again and again, still nothing. Another upchucking is heard and tears form in Lisbon's eyes. She keeps driving and Jane starts up again.
"Butcha now she's leavin wid Pike, ya know?
"You really don't want her to go."
"No!" his melancholy voice echoes.
"Try the hug test, then. It's great for friendsships." Lisbon grins. "Next time you see her, give her a big hug to test your-"
"Damn it, dontcha get it?" He hoarsely screams. "I dontch wants to hug her!"
Her smile falls and tears come streaking down. She is confused.
"I done gived her lots of hugs. We gone undercover daching, shared food. I tell her shtuff I don't wants no one elsh to know. She's da ongly pershun I let sit on my couch!"
"Are-are you at Slender Slicker?" She asks, voice breaking up. She thinks she's finally found him.
"Yesh." He sighs then enrages his voice. "I dontch wanna be her friend! Damn it all! I love Teresa Lishbon!"
He drops the phone, accidentally disconnecting the call and allowing himself to throw up once more. It begins to rain as Lisbon pulls into the alley. She immediately locates him in a pit of vomit and booze. She silently props him on her shoulder and determinedly drags him to her car.