Rated T for the #%$#^# words.
Okay, first of all, I have tons of things to say. So, minna, here it is.
THE AUTHORS' RAMBLING.
NOTE: READ IT IN A VERY FAST WAY.
This is my first time writing a fanfic of Gintama and it took me a month to make a single chapter of it. It was really #$#%$ because I have to make it funny because its Gintama and for the readers to love it. I got tons of chocolate and parfait intake and have to watch Gintama from episode 1 up to the latest episode of Gintama (I think its 247…? Ahhhhh! #$%$# CAN'T REMEMBER THE NUMBER!) and started laughing at their stupidity (EVEN FELL OFF THE CHAIR OR ACCIDENTALY PUKE AND SPILLED MY TEA IN MY CAKE MAKING IT A DARK MATTER) while my dad and big sis looking at me, thinking I'm some sort of a lunatic freak who came from outer space to destroy earth. I also read Gintama manga while listening to Otsuu Terakado songs (instead of singing "my father is a chome chome, I sang "MY FANFIC IS A !#$#%! TAKE A DUMP NECROMANCER!) and suddenly Hasegawa-san's song "THE GOD OF CARDBOARD", if the title is correct, started playing and my motivation dropped from 1000 to zero and I did planking on the floor like a Maru de dame na ONNA (because I'm a girl), in short MADAO….. ahhhhh… demmet, I'm tired. My motivation circuit was totally damage but I gained 21pts EXP for Laziness. Okay, enough with it and let's start with the fanfic because I'm tired of rambling.
P.S. Hope you will like this fanfic.
P.S.S. I DON'T OWN GINTAMA (and will never own this series). SORACHI HIDEAKI SAMA OWNS GINTAMA (and he's my idol mangaka). I ALSO DON'T OWN THE OTHER ANIME AND CHARACTERS MENTIONED IN THIS STORY.
P.S.S.S. BEWARE OF THE CHARACTERS BECAUSE THEY SPIT!
CHAPTER ONE
KINTAMA
At the Yorozoya Gin-chan.
Narrator: The Land of the samurai. It's been a while since this country was last called….
(Gintoki kicks Hasegawa the narrator at the face)
Gintoki: SHUT UP! Why are we having that kind of intro AGAIN! Why are you the NARRATOR? WHY IS THE CHAPTER TITLE "KINTAMA"? WHY IS THE MAIN TITLE SOO FRIGGIN LONG? WHY ARE OUR DIALOGUE 'S LIKE A SCRIPT FOR SEIYUU? WHY DOES THIS CHAPTER HAVE TO START WITH THE AUTHOR'S RAMBLING SHIT? WHY DOES SHE HAVE TO WRITE EVERY SINGLE DETAIL OF HER STRUGGLE TO WRITE THIS FANFIC? WHY IS IT SO LONG? WHY….
Shinpachi: SHUT UP, YOU~ WHY~ IDIOT!
Madao: It can't be helped. The author decided all of it, since it's a fanfic of Gin…. Ahh! Cho-chotto matte! Why is my script name MADAO! It's just a fanfic, right? Please change it author-san. Hidoi yo!
Kagura: Madao is madao. Even the author can't change it. (eating sukonbu) like Shinpachi is his glasses. He's nothing but a pair of glasses!
Glasses: OI! YOU REALLY LIKE INSULTING ME AND MY GLASSES, DON'T YOU! AND WHY IS MY NAME GLASSES? YOU ALREADY PUT SHINPACHI ON MY FIRST DIALOGUE A WHILE AGO! DON'T DO CHANGING OTHER PEOPLES NAME, AUTHOR-SAN! CHANGE IT BACK TO SHINPACHI! OR ELSE I'LL KILL YOU!
Gintoki: aaaaa…. Shut up… It's still so early to start shouting. You're making my head hurt more, you know. I have a worst hangover last night!
MADAO: Gin-san, it's already 10 am. It's not early anymore. AND WHY AREN'T YOU CHANGING IT YET, AUTHOR-SAN! AND YOU EVEN MADE IT ALL CAPS!
Gintoki: Hasegawa-san, 10 am is still early for someone who had a hangover… ahhh.. I need strawberry milk. I need calcium.
Shin… Glasses: OI! WHAT KIND OF JOKE IS THIS AUTHOR-SAN?
Kagura: Shinglasses, go buy some tissue paper!
Shin… Glasses: WHAT KIND OF HALF-ASSED NAME IS THAT? AND GO BUY TISSUE PAPER YOURSELF!
Kagura: No way! And besides, that's one of the few things that you can do aside from being a curve-straight man!
Shin… Glasses: Wha-what's a curve-straight man?
Kagura: Cause sometimes you're a straight man, and sometimes you're not.
Shin… Glasses: I don't get it.
(the doorbell rang)
Kagura/Gintoki: NO ONE'S HOME!
Shin… Glasses: OI! It's so obvious that we're here.
Catherine: Idiot Sakata-san! I'm here to collect the rent! I know you're inside! Open the door right now!
Gintoki: I DON'T HAVE MONEY! GO AWAY!
Catherine: If you don't have money, then YOU'RE THE ONE WHO SHOULD GO AWAY!
(Madao opened the door)
Madao: Yo! Good morning Catherine!
Catherine: What's good in the morning? Madao.
(Madao became depress and is sulking at the corner)
Madao: Everyone's so mean to me. I think I should hang myself.
Catherine: The payment!
Gintoki: I told you I don't have money!
Catherine: Then say goodbye to this T.V.
(Gintoki hugs the T.V. VERY TIGHTLY)
Gintoki: No way! I need this one you stupid thief! I need to watch Ketsuno Ana everyday! I can't live without this T.V. I can't live without Ketsuno Ana!
Catherine: Then PAY THE GODDAMN RENT!
(Otose enters the room)
Otose: Stop it, Catherine. I don't need that old T.V.
Gintoki: What are you talking about, old hag! YOU'RE WAY OLDER THAN THIS T.V.!
Otose: What did you say you penniless perm?
Gintoki: Do you know how hard it is to earn money? huh? You can't always get coins under the vending machine!
Otose: THEN FIND A BETTER JOB!
(Katsura and Elizabeth enters the scene from the window)
Katsura: What's with this ruckus, Gin….
(Gintoki kicks Zura at the face)
Katsura: Zura janai, Katsura da!
Shinpachi: Katsura-san! (pause) USE THE FRIGGIN DOOR!
Gintoki: Hoi Zura! What are you doing here, huh?
Katsura: I was chased by the Shinsengumi and ended up in here.
Gintoki: Hoi hoi! I don't want to be involved with you, dummy!
Katsura: Dummy janai, Katsura da!
Gintoki: Don't hide in my place! GO AWAY!
Katsura: I know you would say that. Don't worry, I'll pay you.
Gintoki: HUH! Do you think you can use money to convince me? HOW MUCH?
Shinpachi: This man is rotten!
(Katsura pulled something from his Kimono)
Katsura: (" talks in Doraemon style" ) DANDARANDAN…. WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THIS?
(He's holding a melted parfait)
Gintoki: ( kicks ZURA… errhm… Katsura in the face again) IDIOT! WHY ARE YOU GIVING ME A MELTED PARFAIT? SAY SORRY TO THIS MELTED PARFAIT! YOU'RE REALLY AN IDIOT, AREN'T YOU?
Katsura: Idiot janai, Katsura da! And it's not melted! You see, that's my underarm sweat. I've been hiding it in there a while ago.
Gintoki: YOU IDIOT! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? HIDING THAT POOR PARFAIT IN ONE OF THE MOST DANGEROUS ACID PROVIDER PART OF YOUR BODY! YOU REALLY ARE DISGUSTING. JUST DIE AND GO TO HELL, WILL YOU!
Katsura: I'M NOT DISGUSTING! I'M KATSURA!
Elizabeth: (with his dialogue machine a.k.a. signboard) Stop that already! Lower your voices or else, the Shinsengumi will find us!
Shinpachi: Elizabeth-san is right! I can't afford to be thrown to jail because of you people. My sister will kill me if that happens!
Kagura: Don't worry Shinpachi. We'll pray for your soul!
Shinpachi: OI!
Otose: Gintoki, if you won't pay within this week, then I'll make you sleep in a cardboard box! Get it? Let's go Catherine!
Catherine: Adieu! Poor Beings!
Kagura: Shut up, thief!
(The old hags exits the room)
Katsura: I'll be going then. Let's go Elizabeth!
(They went inside….. the cabinet)
Shinpachi: OI, USE THE DOOR!
Gintoki: OI! I THOUGHT YOU'RE GOING OUT ALREADY! DORAEMON WANNABE! WHY YOU….
(Gintoki and Kagura opened the cabinet and found Zura and Elizabeth in there)
Katsura: Wait. It seems that we're still in Gintoki's place, Elizabeth. I thought we have been transported into our hideout already. In Pandora Hurts (it's "Hearts", Zura), I always use this technique for trans…
(Gintoki throws them off the window)
Gintoki: YoU'RE NOT XERXES BREAK RIGHT NOW!
(FYI: To those who didn't know, Zura and Break has the same seiyuu/voice actor)
Kagura: So, he's that Xerxes Break from Panthera heats (IT'S "PANDORA HEARTS", DAMN IT). The one they call Mad Hatter. Also known as Ghostly…
Shinpachi: OI! STOP TALKING ABOUT CHARACTERS FROM OTHER ANIME! OR ELSE THEY'LL SUE US!
Gintoki: What are you talking about, Pattsuan?
Kagura: We always talk about other anime in Gintama series! So we can also do that in this fanfic. This is how Gintama works. You really are a clueless cherryboy, Shinpachi. That's why your name is Shinpachi and that's why your character looks like Nobita. You're both clueless straight man wannabe!
Shinpachi: SHUT UP!
Gintoki: Geez, Shinpachi. You really like nitpicking, aren't you? You always complain about anything! What are you, a nagging mom?
Shinpachi: That's what a straight man character like me does! Criticizing other people's stupidity!
Kagura: That's why straight man characters are boring, killjoy, clueless
Gintoki: VIRGIN.
Shinpachi: OI! Not all straight man are Virgin! Just wait, you bunch of idiots. I'll definitely have a girlfriend this year!
Kagura/Gintoki: IN YOUR DREAMS! OTAKU VIRGIN!
Shinpachi: OI! WHOSE OTAKU VIRGIN?
(The door was destroyed and a bunch of virgins came in)
Hijikata: (shouts) IT'S SHINSENGUMI!
Gintoki: ah! Speaking of otaku virgin.
Hijikata: Whose otaku virgin, huh? You wanna go to hell?
Gintoki: Heh, before I go to hell, PAY FOR MY GODDAMN DOOR!
Kagura: Our door's been destroyed again! PAY FOR IT YOU ASSHOLE!
Hijikata: Oi, is Katsura Kotarou in here? Answer me or else, I'll send you straight to hell!
Shinpachi: NONONONONO! Please spare us! Katsura-san isn't here! (though he is a while ago)
Kagura: (imitating Shinpachi) NONONONONO! Please spare ME! Zura isn't here! You can do anything with these two good for nothing idiots!
( Gintoki pokes her on the head )
Gintoki: Zura isn't here. Go away and die!
Kondou: Are you sure he's not here? We were informed that he was in here, hiding.
Shinpachi: We're sure that he's not here! (cause he already left)
Kagura: Gorilla, you're working now!
Kondou: I'm always working! I'm a hard worker, you see.
Gintoki: And a HARD-STALKER TOO.
Kondou: I'm not a stalker! You people misunderstood it. I'm Otae's personal bodyguard! I'm protecting her from stalkers!
Okita: Like yourself?
Gintoki: Huh? PERSONAL BODYGUARD? What a pervert you are!
Shinpachi: What you said is a description of a stalker.
Kondou: What's perverted in being a bodyguard?
Gintoki: Cause you said you are a PERSONAL-"BODY"-GUARD. You're just guarding her flat-chest body!
Kondou: Oi! DON'T INSULT OTAE-SAN'S BODY! I HAVE ACCEPTED THE FACT THAT OTAE'S BODY IS THE SAME AS MICHEELS JECKSONS BODY!
Shinpachi: And you just insulted her right now!
Okita: By the way, Danna. I heard you were made an accomplice by the Mimawarigumi captain Sasaki Isaburo san. And you were in good terms with him, unlike with this shit-eating vice commander of ours.
Hijikata: OI! Whose this shit-eating vice commander, huh?
Gintoki: Give me a break. That cellphone addict did nothing aside from sending nonsense message every second!
Kagura: Huh? Gin-chan! You have a cellphone? IT'S UNFAIR! I WANT TO HAVE A CELLPHONE, TOO! GIVE ME YOUR PHONE, YOU PERMANENT PERM! (pulling Gintoki's hair)
Gintoki: THEN FIND ONE IN SADAHARU'S SHIT!
Okita: (boasting) Ahhh… what a beautiful cellphone do I have here! The brand is Rukia 23 Galaxies.
Shinpachi: I think I've heard those brands before.
Okita: It has X-ray scanner. It also has an ultra-mega video cam. If you activate it, you can see the tiniest things, even the thing inside the thing.
Shinpachi: What do you mean by "the thing inside the thing"?
Okita: For example, girl's underwear.
Gintoki: Really? Even Shizuka-chan's underwear?
Okita: Not only that, even the thing inside Shizuka-chan's underwear.
Gintoki: Ooooohh… What a useful phone you have there!
Shinpachi: Useful for perversion!
Gintoki: I need to buy one of it!
Shinpachi: Gin-san, We don't have money for that.
Kagura: Hmmmp! That cell phone is useless. It doesn't have a rocket ship in it! How useless!
Shinpachi: That's impossible! You Imbecile!
Gintoki: That's right, it's impossible as having our fifth movie this year!
Shinpachi: OI! DON'T TALK ABOUT THAT IN THIS FANFIC! And besides, it's not fifth! It's second!
Okita: By the way, Danna. Have you seen your pictures in the internet?
Gintoki: Pictures? What pictures?
Okita: Pictures of you and Hijikata-san. In other words, YAOI!
Hijikata: OI! DON'T MAKE SUCH LIES!
Okita: I'm not lying Hijikata-san. (shows the pictures to Hijikata through laptop) What kind of vice commander are you? You're a disgrace to Shinsengumi! Go quit from being vice commander!
Hijikata: WHO THE (super censored) posted this on giggle!
Gintoki: Gross…. (vomits)
Kagura:Well, many fans like these pictures. Look, it has 1 million three hundred twenty-three point 85 likes on Fakebooks!
Shinpachi: And it's the number one twig on twigtter!
Okita: (Pats Hijikata and Gintoki's shoulder) How unfortunate! But thanks to both of you, I have so many subscribers, friends and followers now!
Hijikata/Gintoki: YOU'RE THE ONE WHO POSTED IT!
(points their sword and bokuto on Okita)
Hikikata/Gintoki: DIE, OKITA!
Okita: (release his bazooka) AFTER YOU!
Shinpachi: HOI! NO VIOLENT SCENES IN THIS HOUSEHOLD!
Kondou: StOP IT! Don't make Shinsengumi's image drop up to absolute zero!
Kagura: What are you talking about, Gorilla? You yourself makes Shinsengumi's image drop up to absolute negative zero!
Shinpachi: There's no such thing as " absolute negative zero"!
Kagura: Then it's "NEGATIVE ABSOLUTE ZERO!"
Shinpachi: You just rearranged the words, dummy!
Hijikata: It seems that Katsura isn't here. Let's go!
Kondou: Brother-in-law, send my regards to Otae-san! Jaa!
Shinpachi: WHO YOU CALLING BROTHER-IN-LAW, HUH? AND I'M NOT A MESSENGER! TELL HER THAT YOURSELF!
(Shinsengumi exits the place)
Gintoki: At last! It's peaceful!
Shinpachi: Sou desu ne. We awfully have a lot of visitors this morning.
Kagura: First, it was Madao, then thief cat and space monster (a.k.a. Otose), then Runaway Bride (a.k.a. Zura), then the Seppuku gang (a.k.a. Shinsengumi)
Shinpachi: Whose Seppuku gang?
Gintoki: They keep on visiting us all the time. Who do they think we are, Park owners!
Shinpachi: Gin-san, what's the relation of them visiting and being park owners? Besides, it just means that we've made lots of friends. Aren't we lucky people?
Gintoki: (Harvesting… errhhm… nosepicking) Ahhh…
Kagura: Ah! Ladies Four is going to start!
Shinpachi: DON'T LIE! EVERYONE KNOWS THAT LADIES FOUR STARTS AT 4PM. AND IT'S STILL 11:30 AM! Right, Gin-san?
(Gin-san snores loudly)
Shinpachi: (twitch) Right, readers-san?
(Readers-san continues on reading this without replying to Shinpachi)
Shinpachi: (more twitch) Right, Author-san?
(Author-san continues on encoding this story and ignores Shinpachi)
Shinpachi: (mad) FINE! WHATEVER! IGNORE ME FOREVER!
Author-san: Yosh! Kintama chapter is signing off!
P.S. CORNER
Gintoki: P.S. CORNER DESU!
Shinpachi: What's P.S. corner? Isn't it supposed to be "omake"?
Gintoki: Omake is widely used. So let's call it P.S. corner!
Shinpachi: But why P.S.?
Kagura: P.S.? What's P.S.? Personal Somputer?
Shinpachi: IT'S COMPUTER! AND IT'S NOT P.C.!
Gintoki: Kagura, you're already 14 years old, and you still don't know what's P.S.? Geez, It's Personal…. (thinking)…. S.
Shinpachi: YOU DON'T KNOW EITHER!
Kagura: Then it's Personal Shit!
Shinpachi: OI! WATCH YOUR WORDS! By the way, What's in the P.S. corner?
…
…
…
Gintoki: Okay, everyone! That's it for today's P.S. corner!
Kagura: You already spend 40 seconds reading this corner. See you next time!
Shinpachi: OI! SO THIS P.S. CORNER IS JUST NONSENSE!
Kagura: Everyone who reads this P.S. corner have been fooled!
Gintoki: You should have realized that already, since were good in telling lies.
Kagura: Author-san even stated on the first part to be aware of the characters because they lie a lot!
Shinpachi: IT'S "BECAUSE THEY SPIT!", NOT "LIE"! (switch mode) Sore ja, minna. See you next time!
Gintoki/Kagura: If there's next time!
Shinpachi: OI!
Author: Once again, Kintama chapter is signing off!
(Author faces the Yorozoya Trio)
Author: WHO TOLD YOU TO MAKE P.S. CORNER? HUH? AND DON'T ADD ANY WEIRD CORNERS ANYMORE! I DON'T WANT TO REPEAT MY ONLY DIALOGUE THRICE IN A CHAPTER! GOT THAT?
(Author faces the readers)
Author: all your comments and suggestions are highly accepted. Until next time. Hontou ni arigatou gozaimashita! (bows down)
-end-