This is for the awesome periwinkle88 for giving me the spoilers, the biggest surge of inspiration and the biggest smile due to inspiration I haven't had in a long time. Thanks so much again, you have no idea how much I enjoyed writing with such muse! Based on the spoiler that Randy North's children ask Calleigh to take care of them, but she declines with a heavy heart.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Calleigh sat on the benches in the locker room, staring at the crayon drawing of a woman with blonde hair and two children, a girl and a boy, standing on either side of her. Austin North's younger sister had made this when Calleigh watched them during the investigation, spending hours upon hours with the children, who Calleigh had managed to grow attached to in the short space of time. At first she had tried to remain professional and watch them as she had been assigned, but word had reached their young ears about the death of their father and the crime he had committed and that they could very well be separated from one another. Tears began to fall from their precious faces and Calleigh let professionalism slide to comfort them, sitting in between the two, arms around them and allowed them to cry on her shoulder. When the tears eventually subsided, her maternal instincts in full swing by this point, Calleigh did everything in her power to make the situation a little bit more comfortable for them. She read the book Austin had with him, told them jokes and drew pictures with them, earning smiles from each of them on all accounts.
But when time came to say goodbye, it wasn't easy on any of the three. Reluctant for the officers to take them from PD and into the hands of the System, Austin looked up at Calleigh and whispered, "Can we live with you?"
His sister nodded, clearly wanting the same thing, as she handed her picture to Calleigh, who felt her heart tear a little at the request, because she knew what the answer had to be. When she declined, tears came to each of their eyes and the girl ran towards Calleigh to give her a final hug, followed by Austin. Calleigh found her eyes burning with tears as a woman in the kaki skirt drove away with them in the backseat.
"Cal?" a voice spoke now inside the locker room. Despite the softness of Eric's voice, Calleigh still jumped in surprise. She looked up to see him looking down at her, his brown eyes sympathetic; news always traveled fast here.
"Hey," she replied, folding the picture and sliding it into her pants pocket. "Have you heard from H and Nat?"
"Yeah, they're still okay," Eric nodded. "Are you?" he asked, sitting down beside her.
"Am I what?" Calleigh said, attempting to act coy, but her voice too dry with sadness to be convincing.
"Are you okay? And be honest, you know I can tell when you lie," he added, giving her a gentle nudge with his elbow.
Calleigh licked her lips, looking at her shoes and then up into Eric's eyes, the eyes of one of the few people she trusted and the only person she trusted with her darkest of secrets, despite the uncertainty between them.
"No," she shook her head, her voice breaking. "No, I'm not."
She took a shuddering breath and Eric wrapped his arm around her shoulders, gently pulling her into him. Calleigh knew it was a moment of weakness, but she was too busy hurting to care. She rested her head on Eric's shoulder and allowed herself to be comforted by him as he squeezed her shoulder with light pressure.
"Why did you say no?" he asked. His voice wasn't accusing, overly curious or demanding, it was apparent he was asking why because he cared; if saying no hurt cut her this deeply, why would she have done it?
Calleigh lifted her head from his shoulder, still allowing his arm to drape across her shoulders and them to be in close proximity, as she ran a hand through her hair.
"Unfortunately, it's just not practical," she sighed. "I mean, first of all this job, it's…it's demanding and, you know how it is, late hours and sometimes a very unpredictable schedule. How am I supposed to take care of two children with that mess?"
To that, Eric didn't have an answer, though he wished he did. He wanted to find a reasonable solution to fix this, to seal her wound and make her pain disappear; unfortunately, any answer he had wouldn't solve anything.
"Besides," Calleigh said, standing up to step over to her locker. "I don't know the first thing about being a mom."
"What are you talking about? You're great with kids, I've seen you with them," Eric asked, the words escaping before he even thought whether or not they are appropriate to say.
Calleigh gave him a grin as he stood up to lean against the locker beside her own. "Me being with your nieces and nephews," she knew they were the "kids" he was referring to, "isn't the same thing I would be doing were I to take them home. I mean, when someone has a new baby, they learn as they go and they have the luxury to make mistakes. I wouldn't have that and if I were to make a mistake, it would be disastrous for them."
Admitting this aloud only made her choice for declining to take them in all the more rational and she knew she had made the right decision, but, as it normally went about, doing the right thing wasn't easy and, in some ways, the most painful approach to life. Calleigh tried to suppress the pain boiling within her as she eased open her locker, placing her badge and gun onto the shelf and withdrawing her purse from its hook.
"You know, there are ways to work around those sort of things, Cal. There are people you can talk to if you need help adjusting as a parent, I'm sure you can negotiate something with the work schedule and there are therapy groups for these type of problems."
"And all the while it would be a struggle and God knows those poor kids have been through enough," Calleigh sighed. "And they deserve…"
Calleigh stopped herself, emotion straining her throat and the tears she had been trying to keep at bay wanted to show themselves; she repeatedly blinked her eyes to counteract the moisture.
"They deserve…" Eric coaxed.
Calleigh breathed in through her nose, held it a moment before releasing it and daring to look at Eric. "They deserve a mom, a dad and someone who can be there for them when they come home from school. Not a single mother who can't juggle very well."
"You know that not all foster parents can be a mother, a father and someone at home," Eric pointed out.
"Yeah, I know," Calleigh nodded. "But it'll help me sleep at night to think they are somewhere like that, somewhere where they can have a good family and be happy."
Calleigh had vowed to herself after many lonely nights in her childhood home, were she ever to have children that everything would be different. She wanted her children to grow up knowing what family was supposed to be like, to feel loved and secure within their environment. And then maybe when they grew up they wouldn't have to be guarded with their emotions and not be afraid to fall in love with someone…or to push the one they loved away. Unfortunately, Calleigh wasn't in that position to keep her promise and she didn't want Austin nor his sister to pay the price.
"If anyone can juggle work and a family, Calleigh, I know it's you," Eric said, confidently. Calleigh was the ultimate problem solver, a problem solver with one of the biggest hearts Eric had ever seen, there was no doubt in his mind Calleigh would be able to accomplish the task of CSI and motherhood, excelling at both.
But his comment made Calleigh close her door with a great amount of force and the sound of metal against metal echoed throughout the locker room. Her face was pulled into a frown and her green eyes began to shine through the tears welling in her eyes.
"For Christ's sake, Eric, what do you want me to do?" she demanded. "Go to Child Services and say I want them, even though it is completely and utterly-." She stopped herself, stopped her voice from rising; it wasn't Eric she was upset with, she was upset with the situation and losing herself to anger wasn't going to solve anything. "I wish I could have said yes, but I can't," she said, calmer now. "End of story."
Eric watched as she pulled the strap of her purse to her shoulder before reaching up to catch one of the tears that had escaped her eye.
"I wasn't trying to change your mind, Calleigh," he whispered as he stepped towards her. "I just wanted you to do what I think you need to."
"And what's that?"
"To talk about it," he said, gently, reaching out to take her hand, their fingers loosely intertwining as their arms hung between their bodies. "What do you say we grab a coffee and talk a little?"
Calleigh bit her lip and shook her head, giving his fingers a light squeeze. "Thanks, but…I think I just need to go home, make some tea and either read something or watch a Hell's Kitchen re-run," she smiled, jokingly, hoping it would be enough to convince Eric she would be fine.
"Are you sure you're going to be okay?" Eric asked as she slowly pulled her hand from his.
She smiled at him, though it didn't feel quite right on her face. "You don't need to worry about me, Eric."
She didn't wait for him to respond; instead she turned around and headed for the exit. Eric let out a sigh, knowing she lied, knowing she wasn't fine and she was going to sink into heartache without anyone beside her to dry away the tears he were certain were going to fall, despite how tear resistant Calleigh seemed to be sometimes.
In all his daydreams and fantasies he had had about himself and Calleigh, he had always seen them with kids, all adoring their mother every ounce as much as she adored them. Eric could easily see Calleigh holding a baby, playing with a toddler, singing lullabies and, even though they wouldn't be his, Eric could oh-so easily see Calleigh caring for the North children.
"Calleigh," he called after her, stopping her right before she turned the corner. "Want to know something?"
"Sure," she shrugged.
"One day you're going to be a great mom," he smiled, full certainty in every syllable.
She lightly chuckled, reaching into her pocket to extract the drawing from earlier, another piece of her breaking heart chipping off.
"I guess we aren't going to find out today, are we?" she sighed, mostly saying it to herself more than Eric, her voice wavering slightly as water began to cascade down her face without her knowledge.
The urge to comfort her overcame Eric and he closed the distance between them in a few strides. He wrapped his arms around her and Calleigh held tightly to him as her arms snaked around his torso. She wasn't sobbing, her tears were silent and there were few, barely enough to feel them running down his neck. One of his hands weaved itself into her silky hair, which flowed easily between his fingers, while his other soothingly ran up and down her spine.
Calleigh couldn't say she forgot how good it felt to be held in Eric's arms, for it was an unforgettable experience, but she would be lying were she to say she didn't miss it. There were nights when that was all she wanted, for Eric to hold her as he lied beside her in bed. Now some of that wish had come true, he was comforting her in a way in which Eric Delko could and, with the emotional pain she was enduring right then, there was no one in this world she would want to try and soothe her other than him.
"Are you busy tonight?" she asked, her voice still full of tears as she leaned out to look up at him.
"No," Eric shook his head, his fingers brushing away the remains of the tears that rested on her cheeks.
"Well, you know how I cook a lot when I'm upset?" she asked; Eric nodded. "I hate letting good food go to waste and I normally over cook. Are you hungry?"
Eric smiled down at Calleigh, her eyes and nose painted a light red due to the tears, and he reached up to tuck a stray lock of hair behind her ear.
"Starved," he replied. Calleigh let out a quiet chuckle as she and Eric, whose hand now rested on the small of her back, headed towards the door leading out of the locker room.
This unfamiliar, intense pain was still beating on Calleigh heavily, but with Eric by her side, there was at least the reminder that tomorrow could be a new day and that some warmth remained in this sometimes cold world.