A lot of people would figure that I didn't know my fate. That I never knew what I had inside, and what could escape to kill so many.
But I made a choice. A choice to sacrifice myself. To sacrifice everything I had in life. Because I knew.
The Professor would muse to himself if the truth was ever in my mind. When I was 13, and the Phoenix was locked up, I immediately knew. It wasn't the Professor's plan, but no one would ever know, until now.
I only wish that my sacrifice hadn't been in vain. But the truth is there- Jean Grey died that day. And the Phoenix rose from her ashes.
I always wondered if I should tell someone about what I knew. I had Scott, I had Logan- I had friends and loved ones, just like every other person on the planet. Every day I am in pain for what I did to Scott; what I did to all those people- but I remember then that it wasn't me. It was the Phoenix. Jean Grey sacrificed herself to save those she loved, because she knew. I knew. I always knew. But no one would hear me.
CHAPTER ONE
I sat down at my desk, gazing at myself in the mirror. The new haircut looked pretty good. It had been longer beforehand, and now it just went below my ears. It bobbed as I walked, and added a sort of older sophistication that I liked. Scott liked it too.
"You know, you shouldn't go reading people's minds without their permission," The Professor said, rolling into Scotts and my room.
I smiled.
"I wasn't,"
"I know," The Professor and I, both being telepaths, could communicate via each other's minds. He had amazing power, while I was a simple telepath and telekinetic. I knew I was much more than that, but the Professor did not pry in the minds of his loved ones, and so he never knew.
"So what brings you here today?" I asked warmly, spinning my chair around to face the Professor.
"I wanted to talk to you. Is everything alright?" He clasped my hand. I took a sharp breath. He knew something was up.
"No. No, really, I'm fine. It's just that… I don't know." I smiled at him. "Really, I am fine," Another smile.
"Jean, I won't read your mind, but it's easy to tell that you are hiding something, and I believe sharing it will lighten the burden of whatever you're carrying,"
"Alright." I sighed, and I could see a twinkle in the Professor's eye. He didn't always have that. When he first came to me as a 12 year old, he was just a man. By now he was a wise man, with many years of mistakes to teach him for his future. He was so bright and had so many gifts, but that twinkle was a new one. Perhaps the fact that everything had calmed down for a while and no one had been acting up. It was the summer months anyway, and less students were at the school (though some still stayed year round due to having no place to go).
"Remember when you first met me?" He stiffened. Then he nodded, trying to cover up what he'd done, licking his lips slightly. "Well, since that day… I've just never felt like I've had a chance to say thank you. For everything. You've given me a life- you've given so many people a chance at a life," I squeezed his hand. I was soft and slightly wrinkled, but held a firm grip that I liked.
"Thank you Jean. But that is not what is bothering you, is it? That you haven't said thank you to me?"
"Well, not just that. My… my telepathy's been kind of … off, lately. I can hear everything." Charles nodded.
"And, as Scott probably already told you, my nightmares have been getting worse. Much worse." Xavier nodded again, his hand leaving mine to brush his upper lip thoughtfully. His eyes panned down to the ground, and then he looked up sharply, having finished collecting and examining his thoughts.
"Yes. He spoke to me about it. I believe he said that your telekinetic powers also seemed to be out of your control?" My eyes rose from the floor then too. I swallowed the uneasy feeling, and blinked slowly. Maybe if I could close my eyes, I'd wake up in a new world. A world in which things wouldn't have to go this way. Where I could control myself. Where I could live.
"I- yes. But only when I'm having a nightmare; the whole room lifts. Or so Scott tells me," At this I could hear the quick intake of breath, and then looked around to see Xavier staring at me.
"You have no feeling or control of your powers when these nightmares occur?" I shook my head. He breathed out slowly, eyeing me. "That's…"
We both turned to the door, sensing Scott approaching the room. As he walked in, he stiffened to see us both staring at him.
"Professor, Jean," He addressed us coolly.
"Why don't you join us, Scott? Go ahead and sit down." Xavier backed up his wheelchair, motioning to the comfy chair that sat next to the desk I was seated at.
As Scott moved to the chair, his arm reached out, his hand clasping mine. He looked at me, his red shades glinting in the desk light's glow. I smiled weakly, squeezing his hand. He swallowed slowly, frowning slightly. He too knew something grave was going on. We all knew, but I was the only one who knew its extent.
"We were just talking about Jean," Xavier began. Scott glanced at me, practically grimacing. I loved that man, but he knew something bad would come between us. I brushed a tear off my cheek, hoping no one saw, and tuning back in to what the Professor was saying. "I believe that her powers are evolving, due to some emotional stress." Xavier folded his hands under his chin, contemplating.
"Emotional stress?" Scott said quietly, his hand moving to choking my wrist. My heart filled with hurt. He loved me too much. He was the only thing that was stopping me every now and then. Something about how much we shared, from an empathy link that links our minds together, to our dating since high school till now. I touched my necklace, a single gold flame that Scott had cut and engraved himself.
"Our love is eternal." was the inscription. I hoped not.
"Yes. Jean, does that sound like something that's been happening to you?"
"I don't know."
But I do. I always did. And I always will.