Kyle's Bar Mitzvah

Hello Everyone! Remember when I said that T&T was my last story? Well, I was wrong. I just needed a break from fan fiction. Anyway, I'm now finished with school for the summer so now I have plenty of time to write. Lately, I've been inspired by South Park so I decided to do a South Park fanfic. I hope you enjoy it!

Disclaimer: I do not own South Park or the following quote.

Chapter One: Thirteen

"Just about to turn, god, I'm about to turn thirteen!"

Eric Cartman, Stan Marsh, Kyle Broflovski, and Kenny McCormick stood at the bus stop as they have done every morning since the first day of kindergarten. Nothing had changed since then except now they were taller and much older. Six years older to be exact. Today was their first day of seventh grade. Cartman was as fat and greasy as ever despite the fact that he had had grown six inches over summer and now towered over the other three. For what Stan lacked in height he made up in good looks. He had an athletic physique and his dark hair now fell in a messy mop-top just above his blue eyes. Kyle stood awkwardly; he had grown almost as much as Cartman. However, unlike Cartman, Kyle had thinned out as grew taller was now a lanky bean pole. His red hair stuck out in many different directions. Kenny was the shortest of the four because he not hit puberty yet or so everyone thought. No one really knew if Kenny had changed because he always concealed himself in his bright orange parka.

"Ha ha!" Cartman laughed, "Kyle has braces! What a nerd!"

"Shut up, Fatass!" Kyle retorted, "It's bad enough that I had to get these in the first place. I don't need you making it worse."

Cartman ignored him, "What's that I hear? Is that a train coming down Kyle's jew-tracks? Jew-jew!"

Kyle clenched his fists, "What does me being jewish have to do with my braces?"

"Jews have bad teeth, duh!" Carman replied.

Kyle face palmed.

"Mmm hmm mmm hmm!" mumbled Kenny.

"Shut up, Kenny!" snapped Cartman.

The bus arrived and the boys climbed on. They took their usual spot at the back of the bus. Kyle and Stan sat together and Cartman and Kenny sat together.

"Hiya fellas!" squealed a pitch-voice.

"Oh, hi, Butters" said Stan.

"Can you believe that we're in seventh grade now? Man, it feels like yesterday we were kindergarten!" Butters exclaimed.

"It is pretty unbelievable" replied Kyle unenthusiastically.

"Yea and some people have already turned thirteen like Clyde and Token and Craig a--"

Stan cut him off "We get it, Butters."

"I can't wait til my thirteenth birthday!" Cartman exclaimed, "I'm gonna have the coooolest party ever and I'm only inviting cool people. Sorry,Kyle!"

"Fuck you, Fatass!" Kyle shouted, "My bar mitzvah party is gonna be way cooler! Just you wait!"

"What the heck is a barf matzah?" said Cartman.

"It's bar mitzvah" corrected Kyle.

"Whatever" retorted Cartman.

"Or bat mitzvah for a girl" continued Kyle, "In the Jewish tradition when a kid turns thirteen he or she has a bar or bat mitzvah to celebrate becoming an adult. There's a cermony where I have to read from the Torah and give a speech then afterwards there's a hugeass party."

"Mmm mmm mmm hmm" replied Kenny.

"It is pretty awesome, Kenny" said Kyle, "But it's a lot of work too. I busted my ass all freaking summer learning hebrew."

"Hebrew? Ooooh, you mean that weird giberish stuff you're always chanting?" said Cartman.

"It's not jibberish, Asshole!" snapped Kyle, "It's the language of the Torah!"

"They should have written in English. That would have made things easier for everybody" responded Cartman.

Kyle looked like he wanted to ring Cartman's neck, "English wasn't invented when the Torah was written you moron!"

"Oooh..." Satisfied with how angry he made Kyle, Cartman settled back into his seat smirking.

Kyle crossed his arms and slumped back into his seat fuming.

The halls of Park County Middle School were crowded with anxious tweens. Girls crowded in packs and gossiped, jocks tortured nerds in various fashions, etc. Stan sighed as he leaned against the lockers. "What will it take, Kyle? What will it take for Wendy to take me back?"

Kyle slammed his locker shut and turned his head in the direction where Stan was gazing. There was Wendy Testaburger giggling with fellow cheerleaders Bebe Stevens, Red, and Sally Darson. He stared at them for moment before turning back to Stan. "Dude, you went out in the third grade. I don't know if that actually counts."

"Of course it counts!" snapped Stan, "My love for Wendy as only matured as I have..."

"Oh my god, what a pussy!" exclaimed Cartman, "I think someone's whipped!"

"For once I have to agree with Cartman" said Kyle.

"Thank you Kyle" Cartman stopped in his tracks, "Wait, what?"

"Yea, what the hell, man?" retorted Stan.

"Stan, you need to be realistic" explained Kyle, "The chances of girls like Wendy Testaburger and Bebe Stevens going out with guys like us are about as low as chances of Cartman deciding not be an asshole."

"Ye---Hey!" cried Cartman.

"Mmm mmm mmmm mmm" replied Kenny.

"Shut up, Kenny!" Cartman snapped.

Stan was unmoved. "You guys are right. I have no chance with Wendy which is I'm trying out for the football team."

"Mm hm mmmm!" cried Kenny.

"Kenny's right" said Kyle, "You're gonna get killed! You know how vicious those eigth graders are!"

"Of course" Stan replied, "I'm not stupid. I worked out all summer. I can handle the eigth graders."

"Whatever" Cartman scoffed, "It's your funeral."

Kyle came Cartman a "not helping" glare then turned back to Stan, "Look, Man, I just don't think that it's a good a idea to do something for the sake of getting girls."

"Kyle, you wouldn't understand" replied Stan, "since you never kissed a girl."