Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or I'd be as rich as J.K Rowling. And if I was Stephanie Meyer...I'd stick my head in an oven.

Preface ~ Cannibalism, Pigfarts and A Little Bit of Mary Jane

When I found my mother crouched on the ground covered in blood that was not her own, her crimson eyes met mine with a deathly blood lust. I knew immediately what had happened. It was as evident as the blood smeared across her lips.

My mother had eaten our latest English teacher. Again. Fourth time this month. I sighed. We were going to have to move. Again. Fourth time this month. I flipped my long, golden curls that seemed to float in a non-existent wind and strutted to her side, placing my perfectly manicured hand on her shoulder gingerly to avoid the blood.

"Mother, what did we tell you about eating people?" I asked sternly as if talking to a small child. Or Rosalie.

My mother bowed her head in shame.

"I couldn't help myself, Nessie….His aroma was so overpowering…Like, stale pages of a Shakespeare novel….His blood sang to me like…Justin Bieber."

I gasped, my hand flying to cover my mouth like some bad, cliché moment out of a terrible Disney movie.

"Mother, how dare you! You know I love Justin Bieber!" I crouched down to her level, gazing deeply into her rust colored eyes. "You have to Beliebe that you can recover. We are, after all, ALL Beliebers."

"You are so right, Nessie. By the grace of Justin Bieber, please accept my apology."

I shook my head exasperatedly, "You realize this just cannot be taken lightly. You have made an oath by Justin Bieber. You must endeavor with all that you are to remain true to your vow."

"Yes. Yes! ALL HAIL JUSTIN BIEBER!" My mother shrieked at the top of her lungs, now standing with her fist pumping into the air relentlessly.

"However, I still have to tell father. He will be most disappointed. You know of his love for Bieber…"

When we arrived home and entered the living room, father was standing in the center of the room absolutely grief stricken. I could tell this by the way he twirled his hair around his finger and tapped his heel anxiously. If vampires were capable of tears, my father would be a sobbing basket case at this moment. He is very sensitive.

"Bella, how could you do this to me? You know my love for Justin Bieber is only matched by my love for Albus Dumbledore- the greatest headmaster Hogwarts has ever seen."

My father sighed dramatically as he gazed dreamily out the window, his mind on long silver hair and twinkling blue eyes.

Esme entered the room and scoffed at Edward's comment of Dumbledore, "He may be a decent headmaster, but he sucks at giving head."

All eyes turned to stare at Esme. If she could blush, she would be as red as Santa's rosy cheeks in the frost bitten winter. We all silently agreed to ignore his comment. Oops, I meant her -cough cough- comment.

"Bella, we warned you that we were running short on options. Where do you expect us to go now, huh? PIGFARTS?"

Jasper passed the open doorway singing softly under his breath, "Pigfarts, Pigfarts. Yum. Yum. Yum. Pigfarts, Pigfarts. Here we come!"

Alice entered immediately following, her eyes glazed over, holding a bag of Doritos and donuts.

"We could go to… Hogwarts," she suggested theatrically, a bite of donut flying from her mouth and hitting Edward in the eye. He barely noticed, however, as the moment she said Hogwarts his thoughts were penetrated by images of Dumbledore. A naked Dumbledore.

Rosalie smacked her gum loudly as sauntered into the room, flipping her hair so often that it looked like she had Tourette's syndrome. "Well, we all know what Edward is dreaming about." She said, her eyelashes batting so wildly that for a second I thought she had a branch in her eye.

Bella's head automatically snapped up and she growled ferociously. Before she could throw out a retort, Emmett entered the room and put his hands up.

"Whoa, easy there, tiger. You've already ate one person for the day, don't look at my wife with those blood crazy eyes, animal."

I let out an exasperated moan, "Guys, can we stay on the subject? I'm ready to wrap this up, I've got more shopping to do. I've only spent $3000 today!"

Alice's already glazed eyes lost focus even more-so as a vision took over her body. And then, with a sudden, mysterious British accent, she said, "I see us….at Hogwarts. With….Harry Potter!"

She made a strange gurgling noise and collapsed on the floor. We all just stared at her. We warned her about mixing her visions with getting high. Oh well, Jasper would wake her up later. Maybe. If he stopped singing about Pigfarts.

Carlisle clapped his hands together, "Well, that does it. We're going to Hogwarts."