Disclaimer: I don't even want to own Naruto. Don't hurt me fangirls, it's only a pisstake.

Rated M for language and fangirl baiting. Oh, and the destruction of the forth wall.

So, apparently it's common knowledge that Gaara has been infused with that creepy ass gopher thing since birth. However, as a casual observer of the wonderful series of Naruto, I am able to tell all you people this you're entirely wrong. Here is an account of the true first meeting of Gaara and Shukkaku.

As I trudge along the sand dunes that surround my village, I internally contemplate the pointlessness of being. Here I am, locked in my own existential hell, safe only in the knowledge that I will forever be subjected to abandonment and loneliness, comforted only by the cruel words of my peers. That, and my eye liner. HOW has that not rubbed off yet? I mean, I may not shower EVERY day, but still, when have I ever even applied eye liner? Temari must be doing it while I sleep...

Not that I sleep, of course. I'm deep, I'm troubled but above all else, I'm an insomniac. Because exhaustion is sexy, thank you very much, Mr Kishimoto.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, my existence is unbearable, life is a circle, death is inevitable, I'm never gonna get laid- hang on a tick, what is that presence I sense? Could it be another human? No, it's far too large. There's danger in the air, and I feel myself submerged in static. I'm frozen, couldn't even move if a wanted to and, all of a sudden, the silence is broken by a great voice yelling,

'ANAAAAAAL VIOLATION!'

Now if you, fair reader, were put such a situation, if you had been frozen in your flip flops and been unable to even contemplate escape as some giant, gopherybear hybrid of evil starting lumbering towards you, a malignant glint I its eye, you'd probably be terrified. Your bowels would evacuate and you'd be too panic-stricken to even realized what was trickling down your leg. But not me, dear reader, because if there's one thing, and one thing only, you ever needed to know about Gaara of the Sand, it's that I like it rough. And this creature looked just about reading to bring it.

I winked at it, deep meaning hidden behind my flickering eyelid. Deep meaning the beast obviously understood.

'What's your name, terrifyingly large and evil looking thing?'

'Shukkaku'

'Nice to meet you' I say, as I remove my toga like clothing. 'Would you like to hear my sentiments on love?'

-TIME LAPSE-

Five hours, 20 positions, and about 80 gallons of demonic semen later, I find myself locked in the creatures embrace, a lit cigarette that seemingly appeared out of nowhere resting between my lips. I turn to face Shukkaku, a preprepared line on the tip of my tongue. Something about having had a great time, but I just got out of a serious relationship with someone containing a nine tailed fox, so I wasn't too sure I wanted to get involved with another gargantuan monster quite so soon... But as I turn to face him, a shocking site meets my eyes: My darling fuckbuddy has disappeared! Flown off into the cold night, leaving me naked, vulnerable, splattered with semen and, even in the dim half-light, still pretty goddamn bangable. But still, what's the use of being a sexbomb when there's no one around to appreciate it?

'Huh, seduced and abandoned' I sighed to myself, mourning what could have been a great love story, the greatest love story. Oh maybe just a good fuck. But how would I ever know what could have been, know that Shukkaku has left-

'I haven't left you, dick for brains.' Comes a voice that seems to surround me.

I look around animatedly, for I recognize that voice.

'Shukkaku?' I call out, lubing my self up in preparation for what I assume to be his eminent return.

'I'm inside you, moroncakes.'

'Oh baby, don't get ahead of yourself, i'm topping this time' I purred quietly, to no one in particular. 'Seriously, Shukkaku, where are you?'

A sighing sound permeated my very being, as if it emanated from my mind itself.

'Look, go and see the village elders. They always seem to fucking know what's going in this series.'

'Series?'

'Yeah, about that...'