Disclaimer: I don't own Neon Genesis Evangelion or anything associated with it. Gainax created this world, I just play in it.
Finally! Only two months later than I projected, but it is finally done. My concentration seemed to leave me almost entirely after the first two paragraphs.
It got to the point where I was quite literally changing my mind from minute to minute on whether I liked this story, or I thought it sucked and as it stands, I don't know if where I ended up with it is where I had originally planned to go. Finally I tossed it aside and wrote Second Kiss to change my mindset. (Thanks for the terrific response to it by the way)
My thanks to gunman for being curious and giving this a read. Thanks for the opinion, it got me jump started and cleared the way for me to finish it.
Hope this doesn't suck and I hope you like it.
Words
Running.
It was something that she enjoyed both for sport and for the fun of it, coming a close second only to her love of swimming. But as seventeen year old Rei Ayanami ran through the dusk shrouded streets of Tokyo 2 with tears streaming down her face, it was for a different reason entirely.
She was running from something.
She was running from a word. Nothing more really than a focused puff of air resonating through a set of vocal chords, but it was relentless and no matter how fast she ran, she couldn't leave it behind. To anyone else it was an innocent, harmless word, but to her, combined with the mouth that had uttered it, it was devastating. It was a word she had always hated, a word that had always caused her pain. It kept repeating over and over again inside her head no matter how hard she tried to shut it out.
It was at times like this that she questioned why she had ever been allowed to return to the world after Third Impact and if perhaps she would have been better off if she hadn't.
After Shinji rejected Instrumentality and returned to the world, the part of her that was Lilith separated itself from her consciousness. Having been a part of her, Lilith knew that she wanted to have a real life and she knew that that particular desire had been fostered within her by her exposure to Shinji Ikari.
He had been her first friend, the first person who truly treated her kindly. The first person to care and worry about her. He was the first person to make her feel something other than the emptiness she had known for so long, and her interactions with him led her to accept the possibility that maybe there could be something else in her future besides the Commander's scenario.
When she returned to the world she was no longer an Angel. Her genetic structure now was still not completely human, but it was very much different than anything NERV had on file for her. She was as close to human as she was going to get. Such was the power of Lilith. The Second Angel's dying gift to the avatar that had carried her soul and endured so much, was a chance to have a new, and hopefully, a much better life.
When she emerged from the LCL sea, cold and naked to the world, she saw them sitting on the shoreline. Pilot Sohryu, Major Katsuragi, and Shinji were all there leaning against one another, obviously exhausted. They looked like a family to her, something she had never had. She found herself unable to approach them, afraid that she would be an unwelcome intrusion.
She knew that Asuka hated her, the Major was seemingly indifferent, and Shinji had become scared of her. As she stood there shivering she found that she had never felt more alone in her life. When they finally noticed her there, they all just stared and she was sure they would get up and leave, turning their backs on her. She wouldn't blame them after what had just transpired.
To her surprise, and relief, it was Shinji who stood up and slowly approached her. He had tears in his eyes as he gave her his white school uniform shirt to cover herself with and led her to the shore and into her new life.
She had changed a great deal since that day. With dummy plug experiments no longer taking a toll on her body, with better accommodations, and with more and better food now available to her, she had begun to grow and her body was filling out. She felt much better and had more energy than she could ever remember having. She swam and jogged regularly, and made good use of the fitness centre across the street from the apartment building where she lived with Shinji, Misato and Asuka. She liked the way she always felt after such activities. She felt invigorated and alive, something that was new and precious to her in and of itself.
If not for her distinctly unique looks, she could be mistaken for any other teenaged girl one might find in the city. She had let her hair grow out a little more, giving it a somewhat untamed look that she found that she liked, and her wardrobe had expanded considerably, no longer consisting of just a couple of school uniforms. Currently she was dressed in blue jeans and a dark blue t-shirt, white sneakers, and a black leather jacket.
The jacket belonged to Shinji, it had been a gift to him from Misato, and he let her wear it whenever she wanted to. It had become like a security blanket to her. It was too large for her, which made it perfect for her to wrap herself up in it and feel like she was disappearing from the world.
She would most often wear it when she was feeling down or like she didn't belong in the world and needed to hide from it for a while. Her emotional awakening had been quite hard on her at times. Being as unfamiliar as she was with so many things in her new life, she sometimes found herself confused about what she was feeling and why she was feeling it. She often felt lost and overwhelmed.
Trying to figure it all out was difficult at times, and as such she sometimes needed time to herself to think and try to work through it. They all did from time to time, and they knew each other well enough to know when it was time to allow each other that space and when that was the last thing they needed.
She had to admit that she also liked the jacket simply because it was his. It smelled like him and she felt safe and comfortable in it, just like she always seemed to feel around him. It made her feel like Shinji was protecting her and that nothing could touch or harm her when she wore it.
Tonight, she needed that armour. She needed it to protect her heart from that one, awful word that she was running from.
She had run at a near sprint for eight blocks, not stopping until she reached the train station. After purchasing a bottle of water from one of the many vending machines, she found an unoccupied bench to sit on while she caught her breath and waited for the train. She was aware of the stares she was receiving and tried to ignore them, but it wasn't as easy as it used to be. The stares and the words whispered behind her back hurt her now at times. While some people were complimentary and thought she looked 'cool', others were simply ignorant and cruel. To those people she was some kind of freak.
While her origins had not been made public, most people knew who she was, just as they knew who Shinji and Asuka were. The UN and NERV had done a masterful job of regulating and spinning the official history of what the Angels and Third Impact had been all about. The pilots were considered tragic, damaged heroes, while Gendo Ikari and SEELE were painted as the masterminds who had intended to destroy the human race.
The public had been pretty good about letting them live their lives relatively undisturbed and the occasional public relations appearance helped to keep it that way. Thankfully, problems had been few and none of them very serious. Even so, Rei was still very shy around people who weren't part of her small circle of friends.
The closest people to her, of course, were Shinji, Misato, and Asuka. They had all relied heavily upon one another to get through their respective traumas. The mandatory psychological care they received by decree of the temporary UN governing council, which had come after the intensive interrogations and debriefings, was something they had all desperately needed. However, their own weekly group sessions held in their shared home seemed to help them just as much and it helped to keep them going.
Rei allowed a slight smile to momentarily cut through her misery. She liked living with Misato, Asuka, and Shinji. And PenPen, for that matter. They all cared about her and it made her feel, for the first time in her life, that she actually belonged. She was no longer isolated or thought of as a tool. She was glad that she had accepted Misato's offer to live with them.
She had grown quite fond of her former battle commander. Living with other people had taken some getting used to, especially so when living with Misato. Although, according to Shinji, she wasn't quite as big of a slob or as heavy a drinker as she used to be. She still drove like a maniac, which scared her more than the Eva ever did, and she didn't always get Misato's jokes and teasing comments. But Misato treated her with understanding and kindness and was always more than willing to help her whenever she needed it.
Asuka had been difficult at first. Third Impact had emotionally stripped her to the bare bones and the process of rebuilding herself was long and slow. With her pride and anger stripped away it had become easy for her to rely on her housemates for help and it was the best thing that had ever happened to her. She had realized, very reluctantly at first, that letting people get close to her wasn't so bad. It was better than being alone and if she didn't make a serious effort to change, she would fall right back into that loneliness and anger that she was now trying so hard to escape.
One sign of that change was that Asuka had willingly become friends with her, although it had taken a while to happen. She had found that, in a way, she was not unlike Rei. Initially that had pissed her off, but when she was finally able to see and accept it, she became friends with her former nemesis. They both had to adapt to a new way of living that was foreign to them.
As Asuka learned the truth about her, it made her realize just how hard this new way of living must be for her. As she got better and began to function in a normal fashion again, she began to help her learn how to live a normal, real life. She was even able to show an uncommon level of patience at times as she helped her along and Rei was very grateful for it.
Shinji was, well, Shinji. He still suffered from bouts of depression and self doubt, and symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder, but at least now he realized that he could find some happiness in his life and he was making a real effort to get better. The problem was, he often spent so much time trying to look after Misato and Asuka and herself, that he neglected his own needs. He felt and acted like he needed to prove himself to them and make up for how he used to be. He spent so much of his strength helping them to keep it together that they would sometimes have to gang up on him and make their 'invincible baka-kun,' as they liked to call him, look after his own well being.
For her part, Rei was pretty sure that she was in love with Shinji, but she didn't know how to express it and she didn't know what to make of some of the feelings that came over her when she was near him. She was experiencing sensations, both emotional and sometimes physical, that she had never felt before, and was unsure as to what to do about it. She had even begun to dream about him and some of those dreams were quite…intense.
She had been discovering the hard way just how much she had missed out on while under the Commander's thumb. She often found herself baffled by many things that everyone else took for granted. It was as if she had just stepped onto an entirely different planet and now had to figure out how to live there. There were just so many facets of everyday life that she knew so little about. The Commander had deprived her of everything except for what he deemed necessary to ensure that she developed precisely as he wanted and needed her to.
She had had very little in the way of choices in her life. She had always been told what to do and when and where to do it. Where to live, what to wear, what to eat, what kind of music to listen to, what kind of books to read. They were all things that were decided for her or things she was steered towards. She had been conditioned to do everything the Commander told her to do and to never ask why.
Friends, entertainment, personal comfort and personal choice were all things she was told were unnecessary and of no importance. There was only her intended purpose to consider and nothing else. It was all he allowed her and it was all that she knew.
But now, everything she encountered involved making a choice of some sort and as much as she had silently yearned for such a thing, it was overwhelming to her and she would often find herself frozen by indecision over even the simplest of things. She knew that it was a source of frustration at times to her friends, but they had always seemed to understand and were tolerant of her. Until tonight, when Asuka, her friend, had uttered that one, horrible, heart shredding word.
Doll.
When she heard that word, she made a choice that she didn't think about at all. She simply ran.
She boarded the train and found a seat at the back of the last car. It was the car with the fewest passengers at the moment and it allowed her a measure of solitude amidst the crowd. She tried to huddle deeper into Shinji's jacket, hoping that she could disappear entirely and leave this terrible feeling of hurt, and what she supposed must be a feeling of betrayal, behind.
But, it wasn't to be. The occasional sound of her soft sniffling was drowned out by the clacking of the train's wheels on the tracks as the events from earlier in the evening, and the echo of that word, continued to play in her mind.
Asuka had become a good friend to her, and, along with Hikari, they had supported her and taught her a great deal and she wanted to do something to show them how much their friendship meant to her.
Earlier in the evening, Hikari had dropped in to see Asuka, who had just returned from a week long trip to Germany to see her father and stepmother. The visit had not been an entirely pleasant one and she had been trying to sleep off the jet lag for most of the day and was grumpy and ill tempered when she got up. While Hikari was filling Asuka in on the events of the last week, including a shopping trip Rei had asked her to go on, Rei went to her room to retrieve the gifts she had bought for her friends.
She had purchased three identical silver, bangle style bracelets, each with a heart shaped pendant attached to it, and she had the jeweller engrave each bracelet with it's owners name and then gift wrap them.
She placed her own bracelet on her wrist and watched it sparkle in the light. She was nervous with anticipation and she hoped they would like and accept her small gesture of thanks. Taking a deep breath, she returned to the living room.
While she was gone, Hikari had been telling Asuka about some pictures they had taken at a new photo booth at the mall during their shopping trip. It was something that had become a ritual of sorts for the three of them every time they went shopping, and she was digging through her small handbag to find them when a still grouchy Asuka made her grumbling, unthinking comment.
"So how long did Rei sit there like a porcelain doll before you finally got her to smile and pose for the camera?"
Before Hikari could admonish her for saying such a terrible thing, they heard the sound of the two small gift boxes hitting the floor. Tears began to slide down Rei's pale cheeks and a terrible, sick feeling seemed to strike her heart and her stomach simultaneously. She couldn't even speak, she just emitted a pained whimper and ran out of the apartment, grabbing Shinji's jacket as she went.
Two hours later, Shinji found Rei exactly where he thought he would. At the time she ran off, he had been picking Misato up from the airport after her depressing, weekly, three day trip to Tokyo 3. As the only remaining senior member of the NERV command staff, it was up to her to administer over the decommissioning and dismantling of the facility, overseeing the securing and cataloguing of the classified materials, information, and technology within the ruined base.
Being in Tokyo 3 so much took a toll on her, stirring up too much pain and too many bad memories. They would drive around the city for a while after he picked her up and just talk, allowing her to get herself sorted out before they picked up some take out to bring home for the 'family' meal.
When they had arrived home they found Asuka in a terrible state. She couldn't stop crying and much to her credit, and with Hikari's help, she owned up to what she had said. She wanted nothing more than to apologize to Rei for her thoughtless words and to try and make things right with her. While Misato tried to calm Asuka down, he borrowed her car and went to find his wounded, sad, former Angel.
On the western edge of Tokyo 2, there was a monument dedicated to the people who were a part of the battle against the Angels, both ordinary civilians and NERV personnel alike. It was essentially a small scale mock up of what was going to be a much larger memorial park that would be built in Tokyo 3 once the NERV base had been totally dismantled.
Walking down a short flight of steps from the parking area brought visitors down to a large, simple fountain. Arranged around it were several benches and beyond those were numerous, freshly planted cherry and maple trees. It was a quiet place and many of the former NERV personnel in the city came here to find a little peace. Shinji himself had done so several times and he knew that Rei liked to come here when she needed some time to quietly sort herself out. He knew that she had always liked the water and the gentle sound of the fountain was soothing to her.
He watched her for a while from the top of the steps, her slim form clearly visible as she sat on one of the benches that was bathed in the soft light illuminating the fountain. She was huddled deeply in his jacket with her arms wrapped around her legs, which were drawn up to her chest, and her chin was resting on her knees as she watched the water spill into the fountain's pool.
From the first time that he had laid eyes on Rei Ayanami, he had been intrigued by her. He had felt sympathy for the badly injured girl, but he was also taken in by her appearance. Her blue hair, red eyes, and pale skin didn't make him see her as a freak like so many others did. He found her appearance to be quite attractive, exotic even, and he was curious to know more about her.
He found it ironic that while he had always had trouble maintaining eye contact with people, one of his favourite things was to gaze into Rei's crimson orbs. Strangely enough he had discovered that the day he had gone to deliver her new security card and had stumbled and fallen on top of her. He was so entranced by her eyes, as well as stricken by fear, that he didn't even realize just exactly where his left hand had landed until she quietly asked him to get off of her.
He was still embarrassed by that episode, but he would never forget staring into those eyes. He had more courage and confidence now than he did then, and he relished any opportunity he found to look into her beautiful eyes. There was more life in them these days than there had been back then and he found himself drawn to them even more. He was drawn to her, even more than he had ever been before.
He knew that the way her life had changed was a challenge and that trying to adapt to that new way of living wasn't easy for her. He tried to do whatever he could to help her. He had done whatever he could to help all of them, but with Rei it always seemed like she was so lost. Her experiences and interactions had been intentionally limited and she had never had any real freedom. She didn't know how to interact with others and there were so many things that she didn't know how to react to. There were so many things that she had no idea as to why people did them.
Rei wasn't stupid, far from it, but her muted reactions and lack of life experience made some people think she was lacking in intelligence. But no matter how smart a person was at something, there was no substitute for experience and when it came to really living, she was lacking in that department and the learning curve was a steep one.
She still wasn't what you could call talkative or outgoing, but she didn't remain silent and uninvolved like before. On occasion she was even known to start a conversation on her own or initiate an activity. It didn't happen often, but it wasn't as infrequent as it had been and it was a good sign of the progress she was making. Progress was something they had all been making, especially in the last six months, but getting there hadn't been easy. Fortunately they all had the best shrinks that the money of an apologetic government could buy, and they had the support of each other, which meant more to them than anything else.
The four of them had been there for each other since Third Impact. They kept each other standing and moving forward and they knew that would never change. Even so, there were still times when a problem would crop up between them and one of them would get hurt. The good thing was that they always dealt with the problem and came out of it better and stronger than before. This time, he hoped would be no different.
He pulled out his cell phone and called Misato, letting her know where he was and that he had found Rei, before he entered the park and joined her.
Rei knew Shinji was there. Somehow she always seemed to know when he was nearby and she was glad that he was here now. As confused as she was at times about her feelings, and as shy as she sometimes was when they were close to each other, she was glad that he had come to get her. She knew, and had hoped, that he would.
He sat down next to her, keeping a respectful distance as he always did. "Are you alright Rei?" he asked.
She sniffled slightly and raised her head a bit, revealing her pale, tear stained face, and regarded him with her now puffy, red eyes. "Did I do something to make Asuka angry with me?" she asked so quietly that he could barely hear her. "Does she no longer wish to be my friend?"
He had never seen her look so distressed or sound so hurt and it hit him hard. In the past, he would have mumbled something stupid and probably run away. But he had worked too hard over the last three years to rid himself of that trait and he wasn't about to fall back to it now. Rei needed him and he was determined not to let her down.
"You didn't do anything wrong Rei," he told her. "Asuka's really upset about what she said and she's desperate to apologize to you. She got really scared when you ran off."
"But why would she say what she did?" Rei asked, her quiet voice nearly inaudible as she choked back a sob. "I know that my reactions are not the same as those of a normal person, but I have tried very hard to learn. I have tried very hard not to be an embarrassment to any of you."
"You're not an embarrassment Rei," he assured her, the pain in her words striking his heart. "We know this hasn't been easy for you and we know how hard you've tried and you've learned so much. Asuka knows that too and she's proud of you, just like I am and just like Misato is."
"But why would she say that?" she asked again, her gaze pleading. "I do not understand."
"You've seen how irritable she can get when she's tired or not feeling well," he began. "And how she'll fall back to her old self and say something hurtful that she later regrets."
He knew all too well just how much it hurt, he'd been on the receiving end enough times. Thankfully though it didn't happen very often anymore.
"And her trip to Germany didn't go very well. I think it brought back too many memories of her mother's death."
Rei knew the story and she knew why Asuka had such a hatred of dolls, or anything doll like. Asuka herself had opened up to her one day and told her about it. She had even apologized to her for calling her a doll all those times and promised that she would never do it again. That was one of the reasons why it hurt so badly now.
"I think I understand, but she promised me that she would never say that word to me again," she said shakily as fresh tears rolled down her alabaster cheeks.
"Do you still want to be her friend?" he asked.
She nodded. "I have come to value her friendship a great deal."
"And I know she feels the same way," he told her. "She once told me that she enjoys seeing the look on your face when you try something new, or discover something that makes you happy. Helping you discover yourself gives her more satisfaction than any of her attempts to hurt you ever did, and when she sees you like that it makes her regret the way she treated you even more."
What he said really hit her because she knew that Asuka was not one to express regrets easily, or to admit that she actually enjoyed helping someone.
"Asuka really said that?"
He nodded. "She did. I know it will take a while for you to trust her again, but do you think you can give her another chance?" he asked her.
After a moment she nodded slightly. "I will try. I do not wish to lose my friend."
"It will be alright Rei," he said, trying to reassure her. "The two of you will work it out and you'll still be friends. I'm sure of it."
She really wanted to believe it, but that word was still echoing in her head, taunting her. She took some hope in Shinji's words though, because every time in the last three years when she was feeling down or hurt, he would assure her that everything would be alright, and he hadn't been wrong yet. She didn't know just exactly when Shinji had discovered such a positive outlook, but she liked it none the less.
He tentatively reached out and brushed a tear from her cheek, his fingers lingering for a second before he hastily pulled them away. He was surprised when she caught his hand in hers and held onto it.
"Thank you Shinji," she said as she looked at their hands. She was fascinated by the way the simple contact made her feel. "Whenever I am sad you always find me and make me feel better. You make my tears go away."
He was equally as fascinated to be holding the pale girl's hand. He noticed that she was blushing and he figured he probably was as well.
"I don't like to see you sad Rei," he admitted shyly. "I'd rather see you smile and be happy."
"I never knew what it meant to be happy before," she told him, making her eyes meet his. She liked his eyes, blue was her favourite colour after all. She gripped his hand a little tighter, and for some reason she didn't quite understand, it made her feel …less distressed.
"I sometimes fear that it will all go away and that I will be alone. I do not think that I could live that way again."
He smiled. "You won't have to Rei. I'll always be here for you. We all will."
"But you have been there for me the most," she said quietly. "You have always tried to help me and be my friend. I am very happy to know you Shinji."
She gave him a smile, not so different from the one she gave him after they defeated the Fifth Angel, only this one required no prompting from him.
"I'm glad that I know you too Rei," he admitted.
She stood, bringing him to his feet with her. He was very surprised when she wrapped her arms around him, pulling him into a firm embrace. He only hesitated for a moment before putting his arms around her and returning the gesture. He couldn't see the contented smile that graced her lips or hear her thoughts of how nice and comfortable and natural this felt. Thoughts that he would be happy to know, mirrored his own.
Words were indeed little more than focused puffs of air resonating through a set of vocal chords, but they were powerful. While they could hurt and bring sadness, they could also heal and bring comfort. As the two teens silently held each other, content in the comfort and closeness they were sharing, there were many things they wanted to say to each other, and there were questions they wanted to ask. But neither had the courage at the moment to attempt it, and neither of them wanted to leave the arms of the other just yet.
Sometimes, words were not necessary at all.
I hope you like it and I hope you'll leave a review. Be gentle though, this thing laid a beating on me.
And while you're hanging around, please check out my other stories. You know how to find them.