"Talk to him, damnit!"
"No."
"Itachi, it's not going to kill you to say hello!"
"You can't prove that."
Hidan and Deidara exchanged mutual looks of disbelief before refocusing on their Uchiha friend. The trio of teenagers was sitting together at their high school lunch table, with Hidan and Deidara both trying to convince the weasel to work up the guts to talk to a male by the name of Kisame Hoshigaki. The Uchiha had been eyeing the male for a fair length of time now, but refused to act upon his feelings.
Deidara let out a growl of frustration and stabbed at his meatloaf with a school regulation spork. "If I'd been as shy as you, danna and I would never have gotten together, un."
Hidan looked at his friend with a raised brow. "You and Sasori have been best friends since you were fucking three years old. After you guys came out of the closet, it was pretty damn obvious that you'd end up together."
"You're not helping, un!'
"Shh!" Itachi ordered without looking at his two companions. At first, the two were a bit surprised and miffed by the weasel's actions; that is, until they saw the cause for his hushing.
Kisame was walking past their table.
Itachi bent his head, as if to appear that he was focusing on his meal. However, he watched the shark from the corner of his eye until Kisame had seated himself at a table at the other end of the cafeteria, where his friends were already eating together and joking. At Kisame's arrival, they looked up to greet their friend, before returning to their previous conversations as Kisame joined them. Sighing softly, Itachi propped his head up with one hand and began poking at his food with his own fork.
"Oh Jashin, that's sad," Hidan muttered softly.
The blonde nodded his head in agreement. Something needed to be done, and soon, lest Itachi's love sickness get any worse. If that was even possible at this point.
-m-
The next morning, Itachi Uchiha found his friends on the front lawn of their high school. The two were chatting under an oak tree, and seemed to be in an unusually good mood. The weasel frowned at this; if Hidan and Deidara were this active so early in the morning, some form of unspeakable evil was about to occur. "What did you two do this time?"
The duo stopped speaking long enough to turn and look up at their friend from their seat on the grass. "Oh, we just took care of your Kisame problem, un," the sculptor stated nonchalantly.
Itachi's heart stopped. "What?" he whispered.
"We put a note in the bastard's locker saying how much you like him," Hidan replied. "Seeing as you wouldn't get off your ass and do it yourself-hey, where the hell are you going?!"
Itachi hadn't bothered to stick around and here the rest of the details concerning his friends' hairbrained scheme. Rather, he'd taken off and dashed up the front steps to try and reach Kisame's locker before the shark could arrive. He needed to find that note and destroy it. Preferably by tearing it into pieces and cramming the remains down a certain blonde and zealot's throats.
The Uchiha shoved his way through the crowds of slow-moving teens that weren't quite awake yet. The shark's locker was on the second floor, meaning that he'd also have to battle his way up a flight of steps. And all before 8 in the morning! Oh, Hidan and Deidara were going to pay in spades for this.
Panting by the time he'd reached the top of the stairwell, Itachi nonetheless pushed on to reach his goal. Kisame's locker wasn't much further down the hall; only twenty feet away, actually-
WHAM
Itachi suddenly found himself facedown on the tiled ground, with Deidara sitting on his back. "I got him, un!"
"Great," Hidan stated from somewhere out of Itachi's sight. They must have chased after him once they realized what he was going to do.
Itachi struggled beneath the sculptor; he may be pinned, but the weasel was still stronger than the other male. "Deidara, get off if you wish to live."
"No, un!" the blonde stubbornly declared. "One day you'll thank us for this, Itachi."
"Besides, what the hell were you going to do?" Hidan had by now walked in front of Itachi, and was kneeling down in front of his friend. "It's not like you know the combo to his locker or anything."
"…Dude, that is so freakin' stalkerish."
"I'm going to brutally murder the two of you."
"Here he comes!" Deidara suddenly called out. Itachi looked up, and much to his horror discovered that the blonde was right. Kisame was now approaching his locker.
The weasel, having exhausted most of his options, began madly praying to every deity he could think of that either Kisame wouldn't find the note, or that the Uchiha would suffer a quick death.
His prayers went unanswered as the shark opened his locker, and a small folded note fell out of its metal prison and onto the floor. Raising a brow, Kisame bent down, scooped up the note, and straightened himself before reading it.
The trio watched with bated breath as the shark read the note in silence. He then raised a brow and turned the note over in his hands, before reading it once again. "What's he doing, un?" the sculptor demanded in an impatient manner.
"Probably thinking that this is some sick joke," Itachi muttered in reply.
At that moment, one of Kisame's friends walked up behind him and clapped him on the shoulder. "Hey Kisame!"
The shark tore his attention away from the note long enough to flash his friend a smile. "Hey man."
"What's with the note?"
The shark grinned broadly at his friend's question. "Someone around here has a huge crush on me."
The other male raised a brow and smirked. "Really? Who is it? Someone I know?"
Kisame shrugged. "No clue. They didn't sign their name."
As the shark and his compatriot continued discussing the mystery person, Itachi stared at them in disbelief. Slowly he recovered, and looked up to a rather sheepish Hidan and Deidara. "You didn't sign my name?!"
"Hehe…"
"Oops."
-one day and a trip to the hospital later-
Itachi woke up the next morning with an overwhelming sense of dread in his gut. It hadn't helped that late last night, a huge thunderstorm had broken out and jarred him out of his dreamworld. If anything, it was a very bad omen.
Sighing as he prepared himself for another day of watching his lover from afar, the weasel allowed his mind to wander, and began thinking pondering what his friends were plotting today. "If they try anything like that note again, I'll kill them." Mind made up, the Uchiha promptly grabbed his bag from the foot of his bed, walked out of his room, and then exited the house.
Still trying to figure out what Hidan and Deidara were plotting, Itachi slowly shuffled down the sidewalk of his neighborhood."Trapping us in a closet? No, that's too cliché. Shoving us together in the hallway? No, that's far too simple for their evil minds to come up with-"
"Hey weasel boy!"
Oh dear Kami.
Hidan and Deidara began walking by Itachi on either side of the weasel. "Hn?"
"What? Can't a couple of guys walk to school with their friend, un?"
"You two are plotting something."
"Don't be ridiculous, Itachi!" Hidan laughed as he thumped the weasel on the back. "We're beyond the Jashin-damned plotting stage."
"Yeah un! We've already put the plan into action, un!"
"…Come again?"
"Yeah!" Hidan grabbed his friend by the shoulder and pulled him close. "Picture this," he began while holding his free arm out in a dramatic manner, "Kisame, walking down the sidewalk, completely oblivious to all the shit you feel about him. He finally drags his ass to school, looks up at the building-and there, hanging above the Jashin-damned door is a 20x40 poster with the words, 'Itachi Uchiha loves Kisame Hoshigaki' printed in bold letters for him to see!" the masochist grinned and looked at his friend. "Whaddya think?"
Itachi never bothered to answer. Instead, he took off towards the school in an attempt to accomplish some sort of damage control, before the whole world saw that retched poster.
Deidara and Hidan were left behind to watch their friend cut through high speed traffic and neighbors' lawns as he sped towards the school. "What's his problem, un?"
"Hell if I know. But we better catch up."
"Un."
By the time the weasel arrived at the block his high school was on, he'd decided that he'd first strangle his comrades and then skip town. Perhaps he could move to a remote island infested with cannibals that would put him out of his misery.
As he came closer and closer to the school, he saw a large crowd of students already gathered in the central courtyard. His heart sank to the bottom of his shoes; he was too late.
Resigning himself to at least try to salvage his dignity, Itachi slowed himself to a walking pace and approached the masses of students. They were going to mock and jeer at him all day; may as well let them start now.
To his immense surprise, though, no one seemed to pay him any mind as he shuffled through the crowds. That was surprising, to say the least. Itachi finally worked up the guts to approach a student and tap him on the shoulder. "What's going on here?"
The male turned to look at Itachi in mild surprise. "You didn't hear? Some guys hung a big poster in front of the school!" As if to prove that what he was saying was the truth, the male stepped out of the way and allowed Itachi a look at the front of the school.
The weasel, who had braced himself for the ultimate form of humiliation, was amazed to see that while there was indeed a giant banner hanging over the school doors, there was nothing printed on it save for a few splotches of red, blue and black. "The rain must have washed it off," the male stated with a nod of his head. "Wonder what was on it…"
"Probably an administrator's attempt to pump more spirit into the school," Itachi casually suggested.
"You think?" at that moment, a blonde female walked up to Itachi's companion and inquired about the poster. He told her the same thing he'd said to Itachi, with the addition of the supposed school interference. The weasel could have cried from happiness. Crisis averted.
Now knowing that he wasn't about to be the first teen to die of humiliation, Itachi proceeded to venture back into the now-enormous crowd and search for his friends, who were no doubt somewhere in this mess. His search didn't take long.
The duo had just arrived on the scene, and both males were grinning at the weasel. They must not have heard the news yet. "So, what do you think?" Deidara inquired.
The raven-haired teen couldn't help but smirk at them. "Buy waterproof paint next time."
-m-
Itachi made the mistake of assuming that since Deidara and Hidan had already tried and failed once that day, they wouldn't do anything later. Oh, how wrong he was.
He first realized that something was amiss when he arrived at his lunch table and discovered that not only was Hidan absent, but that Deidara was grinning smugly as he ate. "Must I ask what you did this time?"
The blonde's grin grew by the slightest of margins. "You'll see, un. Or rather, hear." Before Itachi could inquire as to what the blonde meant, he heard the intercom crackle to life.
Most of the students looked up to the speakers in the cafeteria, waiting patiently for the incoming message. Itachi was amongst them. "Hello? HELLO?! Jashin damnit, is this thing on?"
Was there no end to this nightmare?
"K, whatever. Anyway, boys and girls, this is a shout out to a man by the name of Kisame Hoshigaki!" Itachi sank down in his seat as the shark gave his friends a surprised look, awaiting an explanation from one of them. This was going to end badly, of that the Uchiha was certain. "Anyways, shark boy, there's someone-hey, what the hell are you doing?! Do I look like I give a damn that this is against regula-get the hell off me, you bitch!"
A brief scuffling noise was then heard over the intercom, before the secretary's voice came through. "Attention students. We apologize for the interruption; please continue with your normal routine. That is all." As the intercom clicked off, the cafeteria was filled with students discussing who had been on the other end of the speaker, and what the message for Kisame was to be.
"Darn it, un," Deidara growled under his breath. "Hidan got caught. Oh well, we'll just have to try-"
"No," Itachi hissed through clenched teeth.
"Un?"
"I am going to talk to him this afternoon, if only to get the two of you to cease and desist!" Determined to go through with the plan, Itachi violently stabbed his chicken rings. He needed to take his frustrations out on something; it may as well be the barely edible poultry.
After the final bell rang, Itachi slowly made his way to Kisame's locker. He wasn't exactly sure what to say, but he needed to do something before his friends came up with a scheme that succeeded in both letting Kisame know how he felt and embarrassing the weasel beyond all reasonable belief.
By the time he arrived at the shark's locker, most of the students had cleared out, with only one or two hanging around as they waited for various friends. Kisame was all alone, which helped the Uchiha in his resolve. He could do this; just walk up to Kisame, say hello, ask him out for lunch, and then walk off. Yeah, that sounded good.
With this idea in mind, Itachi approached the shark. Once they were only separated by about a meter, Kisame had noticed Itachi's presence and turned to look at the weasel. "Hi."
Itachi's mind shut down as his body froze like a deer caught in the headlights of a car.
Kisame waited a few moments for an answer, but none came. He frowned slightly, then raised a brow. "Hey, I know you! You're Itachi, right?"
"Yeah, we had Biology together first semester."
"…Hi. I mean, yes!" Kami, how stupid could you be?!
"Cool. You need something?"
The weasel began to panic as his mind attempted to form words. "Not really. Well, I was wondering if-"
"Oh geez," Kisame growled as he looked at one of the school's many clocks hanging in the hallway. "I'm late!" He slammed his locker shut and turned to leave, and then halted. The shark turned to look at Itachi, as if sizing the weasel up. "Hey, just asking…"
"Yes?"
"You wanna grab some coffee later tonight?"
The weasel's heart began thudding wildly against his ribcage. "Sure."
"Great. You know the café down the street?"
"Yes."
"Ok, I'll meet you there at 7." The shark looked at the clock again and swore before bolting down the hall. "Bye Itachi!"
The weasel waved after the shark, somewhat dazed by the events that had just transpired. "I have a date with Kisame." He smiled and repeated himself. Never had words sounded so sweet to his ears.
Itachi, having no further reason to stay around the school, soon departed the building. One day, he might thank Deidara and Hidan for pushing him so far. Turns out, he just needed a bit of encouragement to express himself. And now, to figure out where in blazes that coffee shop was.