she can't love him this way
I. The heart of a woman will never be found in the arms of this man.
It's totally normal.
It doesn't mean anything.
She just thinks he's really gorgeous. And she finds all the useless talking kind of endearing. And the big words he uses really impress her, sometimes.
(She can't fool herself into thinking it's okay, though, no matter how many times she tells herself that it is, so she'll kick and scream and beat the feeling into submission. Forget it, fight it.)
II. She would fight.
She's in her room, flipping through magazines, looking at girls that she wishes she could be. It'd be so easy; smile, pose, party.
She'll dream about it for a while.
She wonders what he's doing, a wall away; probably studying. God, she hates him (but not really.)
Her chest hurts, like actual, physical pain, but it doesn't matter anyway. She'll shove it away, push it so far out that she won't think of it for days. And when Harper mentions him, she'll change the subject.
"Turn your music down." He shouts from outside her door, so she cranks up the dial, lies down on the floor, breathes in deeply and feels the vibrations on her skin.
Because she's Alex Russo and she won't feel this way.
III. Whenver she runs she fears she won't be followed.
She wonders how it would go.
If she were weak enough, and it all slipped away. What would it feel like to cross that line, take it to that place that's strictly forbidden. She wonders if he would run, run, and never look back. Wonders if he'd scream at her, pure disgust layed out on his face. Maybe he'd explain it away, say she tripped and her lips just happened to land on his. He'd probably just pretend that it never happened.
Or, maybe he'd...
No.
(Maybe he'd kiss her back. Maybe he'd say it's okay. Maybe he'd tell her that it didn't have to be so hard. Maybe he'd say he's been feeling the same thing. Maybe...)
Fucking forget it.
She must be psychotic. Lock her up and throw away the key.
IV. Wishing on the stars.
Sometimes, it hurts to just be herself, and when her family's all together, she'll look from his face to Max's, to Jerry's, to Theresa's. And she'll search so hard for something familiar, something that'll make it all go away. But the trait's never there, and she can't erase it, can't help the way she loves his laughter, thinks his eyes are beautiful.
At night, she prays to God, Jesus, whoever's listening, that this feeling will be gone tomorrow, that it won't be there when she wakes up.
But it always is.
V. For answers to questions that will haunt her.
"Why can't you just grow up? You're sixteen; start acting like it."
His words sting, like they always do, and as he turns away, she says, "You'll be leaving soon anway, thank God you won't have to deal with me and my immaturity for much longer."
"Whatever, Alex."
It doesn't matter how this argument started. But, lately, they're less playful and more harsh, more him coming down and her dodging his blows. It sucks. But it's not like she cares. Whatever.
They're eating dinner, the whole family, and she wants to get away.
"Alex, are you sure you're alright?"
She's got a pounding headache, right behind her eyes, and she just... she's tired.
"I - " She suddenly wants to cry, wants to curl up in her mother's lap and cry because this all hurts too much and she's still such a little girl. She doesn't know anything. And then she sees Justin, his eyes on hers so hard and concerned and... "I've got a headache, I'm going to bed."
"Honey?" Her mother calls after her, but she doesn't turn. She locks herself in her room, runs to her bed, and buries herself beneath the covers. She's so sick of feeling this way.
She gets a text, her phone vibrates and she contemplates throwing it at the wall. She's already broken three this year, so she sighs and opens the message.
One word: Sorry.
But it makes her smile anyway.
VI. If he could only see.
Sometimes, he looks at her like he gets it.
Like, she'll bump his shoulder, on accident, and he'll kind of jump away. Like it hurts. And it's weird because that's what it feels like to her. It burns, but in a good way. A good, wonderful, perfect way. And maybe that scares him; maybe it confuses the hell out of him.
But then he'll go back to treating her like she doesn't matter, like she's just his little sister who annoys him and doesn't know anything. And she'll go back to tricking him and putting spells on him and acting like she doesn't care about him at all.
It's a system that works and Alex feels normal, for a while.
VII. She would suffer.
When Justin graduates, Alex doesn't have to pretend to be happy for him.
He just looks so at home up there on stage delivering the speech that they all knew he eventually would. He's valedictorian, and Alex smiles for her brother (even when she hates the word.)
Later, when her mom and dad are conversing with other parents and Max has run off somewhere, she finally gets a chance to talk to him. There's a grin still on his face, and the blue of his robes accents his skin just right, just perfectly.
"So," she says, "you did a good job."
"Really?" He asks, eyebrows raising because this is Alex, and she's never complimented him.
"Yeah," she nods, "really."
And then, for a second, they're just a boy and a girl, no complications, no rules. And it feels good, fucking perfect, but oh - it's over and her mom is smiling and hugging Justin for the bazillionth time and her dad is saying they're going out to eat and... they're them again, and Alex realizes that things will always be this bad.
It'll always hurt this much.
VIII. Everything happens for reasons she could never understand.
Summer dawns and Alex makes the decision to self medicate.
She's drank before, sure. But she's never been drunk. She's been tipsy, but she's never been drunk. She hasn't puked yet though, so she takes that as a good sign.
It's three am when she stumbles through the door, her clumsy feet tripping over one another. Everything's all tilty. Alex shuts the door quietly, praying her sleeping parents haven't heard her noisy entrance. She makes it to the foot of the stairs, breathes slowly, waits for her vision to just stop spinning.
"Alex."
Alex turns around quickly, her eyes widening as Justin walks slowly over to her.
"What're you doing?" She asks, and her words sound so loud.
"I fell asleep on the couch. What are you doing?" Justin replies, and she can see his worried face lit up so beautifully in the moonlight. She hates herself.
"Just... hanging out."
"You're drunk."
"Nooo. No, that's ridicu... stupid. That's stupid."
She sees dissapointment flit across his face, and then she closes her eyes again because she's just tired. Really tired. And she's way too drunk to be having these feelings.
Alex opens her eyes and takes the first step, right hand gripped tightly on the railing. She sways to the right, catches herself. Another step, another stumble. Justin moves forward and places a warm hand on the small of her back. He's too close, God, and she... She's drunk.
"Stop," she mumbles, and she refuses to look at him.
"Let me help you." He grabs her arm, puts it around his neck, his own arm wrapping around her waist. He begins hauling her up the stairs slowly and quietly, and Alex knows she couldn't have made it to the fifth one without waking up their parents.
Justin helps her into bed, it's completely dark in her room and Alex can't see his face. It could be anybody, she realizes. Justin could be anybody.
"Thanks." She says quietly as he pats down the blankets around her. Alex grabs his forearm, traces her fingers down to his wrist, his palm.
"You just thanked me. I wish I had that on video."
"Shut up."
Silence falls between them like a safety blanket, hiding them from words that should never be spoken. Alex feels the sentences heavy on her tongue, but she shies away from saying them, stuffs them deep down in her throat where they belong.
Justin takes a shaky breath, and it sounds like a symphony to Alex's ears. She wants - God, she wants too much, and it all hurts... hurts so bad and she wants to tell him, wants to finally let him know but she can't because once she's said it, then that makes it real. That makes it wrong.
Justin leaves the room, and Alex cries herself to sleep.
break titles are from the song rinse by vanessa carlton. i will update rained all day soon, it's just taking me a while.
oh & go to itsleannadarling on youtube.
love you all.