These are just short stories that I am using as practice for other genres.

April 1, 2011

Online Journal Entry #1

To those of you who are reading, my name is Allen Walker. I am starting this online journal, in hopes of having a productive way of ventilating any pent up emotions I may have. This is so I may not explode at anyone later on in life. I am not sure how often I will update this journal, but I will try my best. The purpose of this being on my computer, is that is it is much easier to hide than a notebook journal.

The reason why I am starting this journal is a very simple one, I had a dream not too long ago. It started appearing in my head a little after I said goodnight to my boyfriend of nine months, Lavi, through AIM. In this dream I had, I saw us sitting together. We were sitting on the carpeted floor in my room, and the foot of my bed. Lavi didn't look at me, and I didn't look at him. Both of our eyes were fixed of the black television screen. In this dream, Lavi said, without looking at me, that he talked to his ex-boyfriend today.

His ex, Kanda Yuu, said that he wanted to try again. Kanda wanted them to try and be a couple again. Then, Lavi told me that he said it would think about. This may have been just a dream, but the overwhelming emotion of sorrow washed over me. I started feeling a stinging sensation over my eyes, and that was when I realized that I was holding back tears. Silly, isn't it? To cry because of a dream I had...Still, I had felt no betrayal when I heard this. Maybe it isn't fair to Lavi, but there was always this doubt lingering with me. That Lavi really, truly, didn't liked me. That I was nothing more than a rebound, in hopes of him reconnecting his shattered heart.

Heh, look that this. The stinging sensation behind my eyes came back.

Nonetheless, I have emotionally prepared myself for such a time. When Lavi would just throw me away if Kanda ever wanted to get back together with him. It isn't that I don't trust Lavi emotionally, far from that in fact. It's just that...it's just I can't help but compare myself to Kanda.

Kanda is so much better looking that me.

Kanda is stronger than me.

Kanda doesn't have any deformities.

Kanda...isn't a freak like I am.

I have white hair, a red crusted arm, and a pentacle scar going over my eye. Kanda is a good looking normal person. Why wouldn't Lavi like Kanda back?

And, a part of me still firmly believe that Lavi never stopped liking Kanda. Kanda was the one who broke it of after all. Sometimes, when we talked about him and Kanda relationship, Lavi said that he was kinda glad Kanda broke up with him. Lavi that it helped him grow more attracted to me, and that he has had more fun with me than he ever had with Kanda.

The only part that truly stuck with me was when Lavi said kinda. Maybe I am just overreacting, but I feel like Lavi wished that never happened. That he still wished that they were together; that he would rather be with Kanda, than with me.

I like to tell myself that I am okay with that. A part of me is, I always did imagine myself as a person who didn't date. Hell, I didn't event think about dating anyone until I met Lavi. The other part of me, is sadden that I am nothing but a second choice. Before Lavi and Kanda met, Lavi did like. Or, had a huge crush on me as Lenalee put it. This should feel as some sort of reassurance, but it doesn't. It feels like I the fall back, in case that things didn't work out.

I'm okay with that. I'm okay...with being second choice. I was second choice in going to the movies with one of my best friends, with going to Chaoji's sleepover since someone canceled at the last minute. I am also second choice to my parents affections, my brother Neah is far better than I am. So, I'm okay with being Lavi's second choice of a relationship.

Look at this, I'm crying at the keyboard now...