An Introduction to the Housemates
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Disclaimer: I do not own the characters from Titanic. Debt to 'Three's Company" for original inspiration. Debt to Idgie of "Fried Green Tomatoes" for part characterization in Rose. Debt to more people for more cauterizations.
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The hallway was filled with the sounds of heartbroken sobbing. Jack gritted his teeth, and slowly made his way to the living room. The sobbing increased in volume with each step. He stood in the doorway, and stared at the man on the couch.
Cal was lying on the couch, a blanket up to his chin. Empty doughnut boxes littered the floor around him. He was staring at the TV and sobbing uncontrollably. The theme from "Port Charles" was playing.
"Are you ok?" Jack asked. He crossed the room to where Cal lay. Cal shook his head. "What happened?" "Alison and Rafe are related!!!" Cal let loose another loud sob. Jack sighed; just when in the last 91 years had Cal become addicted to Soap Operas?
He didn't know. Maybe it had came from being the "Housewife". Cal grabbed Jack and shook him. "Don't you see? Now it's all ruined!!" He collapsed onto the couch sobbing. "Er….." Jack patted him on the shoulder. This was not his favorite part of the day, and making Cal stop crying was always his job.
"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!" a scream from the kitchen stopped Jack from having to deal with Cal further. "I have to check the kitchen." Jack said quickly. He briskly left the living room.
The water was ankle deep when he reached the kitchen. Fabrizo was standing in the middle of it, holding a pot. A bemused look was on his face. "What did you do?" "I didn't do anything." Jack pointed to the water that had filled his shoes. "Ok, what in the hell is that?" "Water." "I know it's water." "Then why did you-" "I didn't! I was….AARHGGH!!!!"
Fabrizo eyed Jack warily. "Jack, are you alright?" "Yes," Jack was taking deep breaths. In the last 20 years or so his friend's idiocy had started to get to Jack. Really get to Jack.
"Why is there water on the floor?" "Oh, that. Well, there was this pot on the stove and it had water in it, and when I went to move it, I got burnt and dropped it." Fabrizo smiled happily. "That makes sense I guess. But how are we to get the water out of the floor?" Fabrizo stared at him blankly; this had obviously never crossed his mind.
"Do you know you're standing in water?" Cal asked. He strode over to the table and began moving the chairs. "Yes, we know," Jack said. "Why are you moving the chairs?" Fabrizo replied, "He does it everyday." Jack looked at Cal questioningly. 'I have to. When you're all at work I move them around and use them as tables and things." "Right. How can we get the floor clean?" "Go away and I can fix it." Jack looked at Cal and then at Fabrizo. He was getting the feeling that he would not like what would happen to the water. "Ok, I'll go, but you have to get this up before it damages something." Both nodded.
When Jack was gone Cal grabbed the pot from Frabizo's hands and sat it in the floor. "Get some straws." "Ok." Fabrizo handed cal two straws. "Now what?" "Now, we use the vacum to suck the water back into the pot." "Why?" "Because I wan tot make Stroganoff and we need the water."
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Rose arrived home several hours later and found Jack in the attic and Cal and Fabrizo cooking. She was sitting at the kitchen table, reading the paper when Jack came down from the attic. He was covered in dust. "What were you doing?" Rose said, not looking up from the paper.
"I was cleaning the attic." Rose looked up from the paper. She burst into laughter. "It's not funny," Jack said dropping into a chair. "But it is!" Rose said. She climbed into his lap. "It's very funny." 'Oh, is it?" "Uh-huh." Jack whispered something in her ear. Rose giggled. 'Oh Lord, help us," Cal said irritability. "What's wrong with you?" Rose asked. "Soaps not go well?" Cal's lower lip wobbled. "Please don't ask." Cal's voice was choked with unshed sobs.
"Can we eat?" Fabrizo asked. "Yes." The sobs were gone from Cal's voice. He carried the pot of Stroganoff to the table and sat it down. They began serving themselves. Rose remained in Jack's lap. Cal grunted.
"What is it?" Rose asked. "Can't you people sit apart?" "No," Jack said. "Why does it bother you so much?" "It bothers him because he's alone," Fabrizo said. Cal glared at him. "That was private. I told you that in confidence!" "Oh, ya I remember you saying that." "Then why if you remember did you just share it with our housemates??" "Er………" 'It doesn't matter!" Rose broke in.
"Why doesn't it matter?" Cal asked. The tears were back in his voice. 'Because," Jack explained, "You're alone cause you don't ever leave the house." "So it's my fault?" Cal burst into tears. "No, it's…."Jack struggled for words. "Can we just forget it and eat?" Fabrizo said. They all stared at him amazed.
Usually he wasn't the brightest of guys, but sometimes he surprised them all. "Ok," they all said in unison. "Besides, who cares if Jack and Rose like to cnadodle while eating? Or if Cal likes to drool over Sonny from General Hospital?" His housemates stared at him.
"I told you that in confidence also!!!!!" Cal screamed shrilly. He jumped up and lunged at Fabrizo. "AAAHHHH!!" Jack then managed to pull off the greatest feat ever. He grabbed Cal and kept him from killing Fabrizo and still kept Rose in his lap.
"Would you stop it? You're acting like animals!" Cal said sulkily, "He told things about me!!" "So? I know worse things," Rose said. 'Why do I tell you people things?" "Cause you live with us," Fabrizo said. "Oh yes, now I remember. Wish I could forget."
"Haha, whatever you love us and you know it." Jack threw a piece of bread at Cal. It bounced off his head. "Maybe. Now STOP THROWING THE FOOD I MADE YOU WITH THE WATER FROM THE KITCHEN FLOOR AND EAT TI!!!!!" Cal yelled.
"Water from the floor?" Rose asked. She glared at Cal. "Why would you use floor-water?" "Well, Jack told us to get it out of the floor and we did," Fabrizo answered. 'I didn't tell you to COOK with it!!!!" "Oh," Cal and Fabrizo answered in unison. "Damn it all I'm not eating!"
They all left the kitchen and sat in the living room watching the Sci-Fi channel. They later regretted the rash decision not to eat the Stroganoff.
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AN: I realize this is a really stupid parody but I was bored and it just wrote itself. Also, the next chapter for "Truth, But No Logic" will be up later today. Review, but please don't be too harsh as I know it isn't that good.