I definitely don't own Harry Potter, if I did then you probably would hate me.

My first ever Fanfic, oh dear. Please don't throw bits of rotten food at me. *Grins sheepishly* I've been in this sort of 'Minerva' state before, it brings a lot of laughs and shame whenever morning dawns.

ONE TOO MANY

Harry, Ron and Hermione gaped from under the invisibility cloak as they watched a tipsy Professor Dumbledore and a no doubt drunken Professor McGonagall make their way up the hallway before them. The three of them froze and stayed as quiet as possible, determined not to get caught - but Harry felt slightly clammy at the possibility that Dumbledore could probably see them despite being under the cloak. Hermione looked on utterly appalled at their Transfiguration teacher while Ron took on a look of immense amusement to the point he was about to bust with restrained laughter, Harry however, had a mixture of both of these. Elbowing Ron in the stomach, he hissed a very quiet "Sssh!" in unison with Hermione. Headmaster Dumbledore looked relatively sane, yet he was bursting with more jolliness than usual. Professor McGonagall on the other hand, was completely out of it. She dandered and wobbled after Dumbledore with her hallow cheeks rosy and her usually steeled, lined face uplifted with a careless smile. Her hair had unraveled from her tight bun, contributing to her look of dishevelment greatly.

"Dumbles," Professor McGonagall began after a small hiccough. "You think Sev'll give me a Firewhisky? 'Cause I am craving another Firewhisky - oh, and look, it's Nicholas. Hi Nick!" The trio shuffled out of the way rather frantically whenever they realised Nearly Headless Nick was drifting directly for them and they most definitely didn't want to feel like they'd been drenched in a bucket of ice cold water. Professor McGonagall waved at the passing ghost, who grinned back at her.

"Why, hello there Madame Minerva." He replied curtly. "Had one too many Miss?"

"Nonsense, complete bullocks, I'm as sharp as a pin in a tartan pillowcase! And you know what Dumbles? If Nick weren't dead - I'd marry 'im!" She exclaimed before Dumbledore snatched her protruding elbow to keep her balanced.

"And if I weren't dead Madame, then I'd probably have blushed at such a extreme statement. How kind."

"No, no Albus!" She blabbed loudly at the laughing Headmaster who tried to usher her onwards. "He needs to know that I'm so very thankful for him being around for so long, with all the changing faces over the years, and for him being so cool. He needs to know that that's something the Bloody Baron can't achieve, being badass! Sod the Slytherins, innat right Nickers?"

Nearly Headless Nick laughed heartily with a pleasant smile, or as pleasant as a ghosts smile could be. "Nickers, that's a new one."

"Now Minnie, there is no need to put the Slytherin's down," Dumbledore chimed happily. "Come on now, we need to get you safely to your vicinity my dear, to sleep off whatever on earth you drunk that made you like this."

"No Albus, no! Snape will wear a kilt before I go to bed, that Snapey git! Always licking around the Quidditch cup! Sly little-" She was saying haughtily just as Dumbledore cut off her foul mouthing.

"That, my dear Minerva, can be arranged." He told her in reference to the kilt. "And you may also find that Severus is both your colleague and your friend, and that the competitiveness between you two is completely natural - After all, you are both Heads of opposing houses." He stopped and looked thoughtful for a second before telling her, "It might also be in your best interest to stay on his good side for the time being, as he shall be the one to brew up a pleasant little potion to help with tomorrow morning's hangover."

"Stop being nice about Severus, Alby." McGonagall whined before spinning to face Nearly Headless Nick again. "Nick, Nick, tell the old coot he's wrong," she demanded of the ghost. "That Snape'll wear a kilt!"

"Well, I don't really know him personally, so it is not in my place to say." He replied politely. "However, if he's anything like the Bloody Baron then I highly doubt it'll be possible."

"Screw you Nicholas, I'll get Snape in a kilt, I'll show all you non-believers. If I were married to any of you men, then I'd have the divorce papers completed! Nobody disagrees with McGonagall Minerva."

"I'll put on a kilt if you would teach me some Scottish dancing, Minnie? I've always been great on my feet." Dumbledore said, his eyes twinkling.

"You wear enough flamboyant dresses as it is, a kilt would have lost all hilarity, that, Dumbledear, would be down-dressing..." She gave his beard a good tug followed by two good sloppy smacks on the cheek and the trio watched Dumbledore's expression flicker for a fraction of a second to the tracings of a wince. "You and the bagpipes however, it could be funny to watch you struggle, dear... Oh, cheese and crackers!" She said loudly.

She gave a great sway and Professor Dumbledore took her arm again before saying, "I believe what you need is cheese, crackers, a loaf of bread and lots of water, Minerva."

It looked liked Nearly Headless Nick wasn't going anywhere soon, just like Harry, Ron and Hermione. Harry really hoped Hagrid wouldn't be offended whenever they arrived at his cabin late. "Why?" The ghost asked, gleaming in the silvery moonlight.

"To sober her up of course," Dumbledore told him with a smile. "It's a good thing it's friday night, isn't it Minerva? Oh, that's right! I knew I'd forgotten something. I've been meaning to ask you were Pomona disappeared to? She wasn't in the room when we set off on our current midnight dander and the last time I seen her she was with you."

"Pffffffffffffffft, silly Pomona." Was all McGonagall replied with.

"What do you know that I don't?" Dumbledore asked suspiciously.

"It's a funny story really, she said she could drink me under the table-"

"Now it's oh so clear how you got yourself in this state," Dumbledore said with a dawning realisation.

"- but as you now know, I'm a good ol' Scot and so I drank her under the table instead."

"Really?" Nick asked, with a cocked translucent brow. Hermione was sure he was contemplating whether or not this was suitable behaviour for a professor.

"Weeeeeeeeell, not right away." McGonagall began. "We did shots until she fell asleep and then I put her under the table to make the saying literal." She giggled to herself. "I'm such a genius."

"As much as your anecdote amused me, I do believe it's bed time for you, young Minerva." Dumbeldore said with a trace of finality as her face morphed into a look of pure horror, readying herself to protest. "I'll go and fetch poor Pomona afterwards, Severus shall help me. Have you got the faintest idea where Filius went by any chance?"

"Little Fil," she tittered. "He's so tiny. I want to just pick him up-" she reached out a plucked thin air with her thumb and forefinger. "-and put him in my handbag."

"If you used one, that is." Commented the headmaster, teasingly.

"Umbridge, Umbridge! Run, hide, do at least something!" Nearly Headless Nick suddenly hissed with warning as he drifted through the nearest wall, everyone began looking around hastily, including the trio and not including McGonagall, to see the toad waddling up the corridor, much to their inconvenience.

"What is this awful racket?" Her sweetly sickening voice sounded as she approached. Harry thought he saw Dumbledore whisper a warning at McGonagall, who pouted noticeably. "Oh! Professors Dumbledore and McGonagall, how surprising." She beamed her evil smile in their direction and Harry fell a bubble of fresh loathing well up in his stomach. It couldn't be too good if she found their two professors in this state.

The trio watched as McGonagall stood herself tall and adopted a serious expression on her face - or as serious as a drunk person could produce before saying, "Good evening urrm, uuumb-Umbrage, I just want you to know that all forms of pink look absolutely horrible on you, and I hope you can comprehend very clearly that I despise you greatly. Goodbye." And with that, their Transfiguration teacher took one great wobbly stride and set off down the corridor, unable to walk in a straight line. "Get out of Hogwarts and go lick around the Ministers backsi- Oh! Look, a cute little kitty, I love cats!"

"I apologize, for she has been through a great deal today," Dumbledore told the toad hurriedly, with a rueful smile. "I ask you to excuse that most... untrue... comment, and her current behaviour." Harry wasn't sure if he was seeing things, but he swore he saw the smallest look of distaste flash across the headmaster's face for one moment. "However, I must dash. Good Evening to you Dolores." he too, tailed after Professor McGonagall.

"Is that alcohol I smell?" the toad questioned, her voice raised after the Headmaster, wrinkling her upturned nose.

"Not in the slightest!" Dumbledore called back jovially before disappearing around the corridor.

With a horribly taught look on her pudgy face, Umbridge reluctantly set off down the corridor, in the opposite direction of Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall. Harry, Ron and Hermione were glad to see the back of her as she too, rounded the corner.

They were finally able to breathe freely again. Ron erupted into laughs and Hermione immediately smacked him upside the head. "Quiet down, someone will hear you!" she reprimanded.

Harry only snickered under his breath.

"H-how I w-wish Fred and George w-were here t-to see that!" Ron exclaimed through laughs.

"They would have never let poor old McGonagall live it down." Harry added with a smile.

Hermione looked at the two disapprovingly and frowned. "In my opinion I think it's for the best, that they know nothing about Professor McGonagall's inappropriate behaviour." she told them.

"Only you would say that." Ron commented flatly.

"Who said we didn't see anything?" came a pair of identical mischievous voices, and the trio turned to see the twins step out from behind the nearest suit of armour, wide smiles on there faces.

FIN.

Thanks for reading, reviews will be greatly appreciated. *Hearts*