And You Let Her Go
The death of a loved one is hard to deal with the first time around but when it hits you a second time you feel the rage surmounting within you. The anger, the confusion, the sadness overwhelms every fiber of your being. You want to yell at the universe for doing this to you. You ask the same old question: why me?
Why did I have to see her face again? Why did I have to hear her sweet laughter again? Why did I have to be the one to calm her down or comfort her when she got angry or sad? Why do I have to suffer? Why did this even happen to me?
You start to shut everything and everyone out again. You are content to drown in your grief for the rest of your life. Besides, no one can possibly understand the pain and despair. No one understands the guilt you feel for losing her twice. No one understands how hard it is to face your son and look into his eyes only to be reminded of the wife that is dead again.
You barely survived the loss the first time. You nearly lost your mind as the days seemed to pass slowly. Every minute she was not there was torture. The subsequent days become a blur as you walked in a fog. You were losing yourself. You were becoming a shell no one recognized. Not even your son or friends could bring you out of it.
The realization had to come on its own time. You had to make up in your mind to be strong for her. She would want you to move on and be happy. Her presence was around even when she was not physically present. She was there in the sky watching over the family she never got to truly cherish.
Now, you are haunted by memories of two lifetimes. Her cold lifeless body invades your mind when you sleep at night. You wake up gasping for breath as the loving dreams turn into terrifying nightmares. The blood curling screams still echo in your ears.
You can't take it anymore so you try to escape by clearing your head. However, every place reminds you of her. The grief tries to overtake you in the middle of the street and you feel your knees about to buckle but you press on.
You walk and walk until you end up on the doorstep of the person you deem trustworthy. The one person who you can to talk to freely without feeling judged. The person you started to love again.
She opens the door almost expectantly. It as if she knew you would arrive on her doorstep sooner or later. She says nothing as she grabs your hand and leads you to the living room. You are instantly hit with memories of the two of you sitting on the floor finally sharing that promised drink and her telling you about the man with the lion tattoo.
More guilt piles on because you thought you were doing the right thing. Staying with one woman yet feeling you were betraying another.
The whisper of your name draws your attention and you turn to face her. Her arms are outstretched for you. Welcoming you to just grieve without judgment.
You put your head on her lap and you feel tiny fingers run through your hair. The soft apologies come out and you grip the free hand she has as an anchor. The dam is about to burst any second.
She tells you it is alright to feel the pain. She had to go through it and so can he. She tells him that he is the strongest person she knows and it is okay to be vulnerable. It is not okay to hold on and internalize all the actions and thoughts that have gone on for weeks.
You feel the ache in your heart and the eyes become blurry. Your body starts to shake as memories upon memories flood your mind. You can't stop shaking even though her arms try to hold you in place. Cries and groans escape in a way she has never heard before.
She starts to rock you like a child as you continue to belt out cries of agony and frustration. She whispers the same thing over and over again hoping to get through.
It takes an hour for the crying to finally cease. You just stay in her arms relishing in the comforting touch. At some point you fall asleep feeling a weight has been lifted.
Daylight wakes you from your slumber. You slowly open your eyes toward the sun seeping through the blinds. Suddenly you are aware the surroundings. This isn't your bed. The last thing you remember is being on the couch. It dawns on you that she must have used magic to transport you into the bedroom.
Soft footsteps alert him that she is close. She knocks on the door softly slowly opening the door. She smiles at seeing you awake and probably well rested. Good morning are exchanged and she tells you that everything is in the guest bedroom. She also hints there is a surprise waiting for him.
The smell of coffee is the first thing you smell as you make your way downstairs. You walk into the kitchen and she is standing with her back to you. You let out a deep breath as you recall her generosity the previous night and even now. After calling her name she turns around mug in hand and passes it to you. You gladly accept it still feeling slightly groggy.
Thirty minutes go by when the doorbell rings. You wait patiently for her to return but you don't hear her voice. Your son's voice permeates the silence and you freeze. You pushed him away because of grief and probably confused him a great deal.
Seconds later the sounds of heels click against the floor. You turn to see both of them just waiting for a response. She gives an encouraging smile with her eyes and you smile in return. You open your arms and without hesitation small arms wrap around your neck.
He says that he misses you and wonders if he did anything wrong. You blink back tears at the innocence but also berate yourself for the selfish behavior. You tell him he didn't do anything and papa was sorry for acting the way he did. You ask for forgiveness which he readily gives.
Then he asks if he can go visit mama. You freeze again not ready to go the grave site. His voice interrupts your thoughts when he says he has been waiting on you to take him. He doesn't know what to say and that is the moment you hear her voice again. She offers to drive the both of you to visit her. You nod only and minutes later you are in the car.
She reaches for your hand holding it all the way there. She squeezes it sporadically letting you know she is still with you. You have a friend in her.
The steps are painful as the tombstone comes into view. You watch as your son puts a single rose on her grave and says how much he loves his mother and he will miss her. You can barely contain the emotions rising already.
It's your turn to say goodbye and you don't move. You just stare at the name and inscription engraved on the stone: Marian Locksley, beloved wife and mother.
Those same hands slip into his and he looks down to see the understanding expression. He finally understands what it means to really let go. They walk hand in hand standing mere inches away from the grave.
You say how much she meant to you and how special she was. You tell her all the things you've wanted to say and it's over. A moment of silence falls between the three of them. A sniffle or two is heard before they walk back to the vehicle. A silent thanks is exchanged before they go inside the car and she nods in understanding.
The ride home is not as dreadful. You walk into the apartment with your son who fell asleep in the car. You tuck him in and place a kiss on his forehead.
You have no idea how long she has been standing there when you turn around. She approaches you and starts to caress your cheek in a loving manner. You take her hand and kiss her knuckles. You pull her into a hug thankful for the presence of another adult in the room.
She lets go of you and walks out of the room. You close the door behind you and follow her to the couch. Again she says nothing as you lay your head on her lap.
She tells you to go to sleep and things will be better. You take the words as gospel because they come from her. You can be strong and survive this trial because she is there to help you through it.