Christmas With Canada
It was early morning on Christmas Day, and Canada, all his province and territory children and his roommates were all deeply asleep in all their beds. Their room radiated pleasant, comfortable warmth, keeping them all cosy. Everyone and everything seemed to be completely quiet.
Suddenly, Ontario jolted wide awake, kicking his duvet off himself. "IT'S CHRISTMAS!" he screamed extremely noisily, waving his arms up and down energetically and shaking about madly. Everyone else, even Canada, heard him and jolted wide awake too, gasping in shock and horror. Ontario leaped off his bed and rushed around the room excitedly. "It's Christmas! It's Christmas! It's Christmas! IT'S CHRISTMAS!" he hollered enthusiastically, his arms up in the air. "Ontario…" sighed Nova Scotia. "Ontario!" hissed New Brunswick. "ONTARIO!" Canada yelled angrily. He stomped up to Ontario and grabbed him by the shoulders when he was right in front of him. He turned his face to him. "Ontario, you're making too much noise," he admonished him. "Now you've woken me and everyone up." He gave Ontario a short but sharp slap on his shoulder. Ontario flinched and touched his shoulder. "What a fantastic way to start our family Christmas, eh?" Canada grumbled sarcastically at Ontario. He felt a bit hurt.
Smiling, Canada ambled up to the curtains and opened them up. It was a white Christmas; it was snowing heavily, and the puddles of rain from the other day had frozen over, creating little natural ice rinks. It was still dark, as it was mid-winter. "Ooh," Canada cooed. His roommates and his province and territory kids followed him and gasped in awe. "Oh my God, it's snowing!" Manitoba cheered. "Yeah! Snowing!" Ontario shouted obnoxiously. "La neige!" Quebec hooted in French, clearly trying to enforce French in the family. "Oui, c'est la neige," New Brunswick agreed in French (she had to say it in French, otherwise if she said it in English, Quebec would criticize her for that). "It's so beautiful," Nova Scotia crooned. "Bay, bay, bay!" Newfoundland Jr. chirped blissfully, clapping his hands together. "It's snowing, Newfoundland," Newfoundland Sr. told him, touching and stroking him tenderly. Labrador barked joyfully, wagging his tail. "Ooh, how pretty," England cooed. "Très belle!" France tweeted. "It's so lovely," Ireland crooned.
Ontario was getting impatient. (He's a very bad waiter…) "Come on!" he yelled eagerly, "I wanna open my presents!" Canada, England, France, Ireland and his other province and territory kids grumbled at him. "We have to get changed first," Canada snapped at Ontario. "Aw!" Ontario moaned loudly. "I wanna open them NOW!" Canada growled at him crossly. "Ontario, just you wait." "D'aw!" Ontario moaned loudly again, letting his arms droop down by his sides.
Because today was Christmas Day, and that was a very special occasion, everyone got dressed in their formal outfits. Nova Scotia put on his ordinary outfit – light blue collared shirt, smart red tie, navy blue tartan gown and kilt, double-tied black ribbon, and black and white shoes and socks. However, instead of the usual light green knee-length shorts, he wore some bright blue tartan pocketed trousers underneath his gown and kilt. As he always did for very special occasions like today, he wore his sporran on his kilt, with a little diamond-eyed blue lobster key charm clipped onto it. "You look really elegant today, Nova Scotia," New Brunswick admired him. Nova Scotia looked down at himself. "Why, thank you, New Brunswick," he replied, smiling, taking the compliment. She came closer to him and they both embraced each other, kissing each other on the cheek lovingly.
Once everyone had gotten into their formal outfits, they all went downstairs to the living room. Canada prevented Ontario from running excitedly again by holding onto his hand tightly but gently.
They all stopped in front of the door leading to the living room. Canada turned the doorknob and opened the door out wide. Everyone stepped inside… and they all gasped in astonishment. In the back of the room, a massive white Christmas tree embellished with lights and baubles of all the different colours of the rainbow, little chocolate decorations (wrapped up and with a hanging ribbon, of course) and a paper angel on the top loomed over a mountain of presents, all wrapped up neatly with ribbons of different colours. They also had labels attached to them, saying things like "To: Ontario", "To: Saskatchewan", and "For: Nova Scotia". They all had "From: Santa" written on them, too (though really, Canada was 'Santa').
Canada went over to the fireplace and ignited the wooden logs inside. A warm, toasty fire began to burn vibrantly and hotly, and there were even more surprises for the family on the mantelpiece. They all gasped in amazement again. Hung up on the side of the mantelpiece were stockings in different colours and sizes, one for each member of the family. Those of Canada, England, France and Ireland had their national flags sewed onto them, while those of Canada's province and territory kids had badges with their postal abbreviations (such as 'BC', 'ON', 'QC' or 'NS') pinned to them. Newfoundland Jr. had a small platinum-yellow stocking with an 'NL' badge pinned to it. Labrador had a small caramel stocking with a picture of a bone sewed on the front.
Ontario gawped in awe at all the presents and stockings strewn around the living room. "Oh, wow!" he shouted nastily. "Let's open them now!" Canada and the others told him to shush. "We have to pray first," Canada said rather tetchily. "Aw…" Ontario groaned unhappily. Everyone put their hands together and began to quietly recite their prayers to the King. Ontario was praying rather hastily. He just wanted to see what his presents were. "Aw, come on, Canada…" he thought to himself petulantly, frowning.
Canada and his family all made the Sign of the Cross, and bowed down, their hands still together. But Ontario released his grip on both his hands and screamed out loud offensively, "And I pray that I'll get everything I asked for this Christmas!" "ONTARIO!" Canada screamed angrily at him. Everyone else complained about him, and Canada moaned irately. Ontario was such a problem child (or should that be 'problem province'?), and he made every one of the family's Christmases a waking nightmare.
Now, everyone could open their presents, much to Ontario's joy. Canada's province and territory kids all sat down on the floor and picked out the presents which each had their respective names written on them. With childlike joy and excitement (well, some of them were young at heart, and one of them was still a child – Newfoundland Jr., that is), they began to unwrap their presents.
"Oh, look!" Saskatchewan screamed. He held up some pots with little seedlings budding out of the soil. "I'm going to care for these with all my life." "Ooh, look at this…" Alberta cooed, holding up a bag filled with packets of dried ginger beef. "This'll last a good few weeks." "Hoo!" Manitoba whooped, carrying a sack of artificial 'snow'. "Ah ha ha ha!" Ontario cackled spitefully, holding up a replica of the Stanley Cup, a funny book called 'How To Rule Canada' and a brand-new laptop computer, personalized with a cover with his provincial flag and his name. Quebec got some cigars, some poutine-flavoured potato chips, and a keyring of the Quebec City Winter Carnival Snowman. New Brunswick got a penknife, a new phone, some stickers to decorate her new phone with, and a guide to sailing at high tides. Nova Scotia got a case to store his fiddle and bow in, some kilts of different tartans, a huge case of Alexander Keith's Nova Scotia Beer, a Maritime cookbook, a book about the Halifax Explosion, a book filled with sheet paper where he could compose new songs, and some blank CD's where he could record his new songs onto. Newfoundland got a fish farm kit, some cod eggs so that they could get started right away with their very own fish farm, a bottle of Newfoundland screech, and a bakeapple pie baking kit.
And what about British Columbia, Prince Edward Island and the territories? Well, their presents were donations to different charities, and the charities had given them thank-you gifts to return the favour. British Columbia got a keyring with 'Girl Power' written on it, Prince Edward Island got several packets of seedlings that she could grow in the family's back yard, and the territories got some plush toys of different Arctic animals.
What about Canada and his roommates? Well, their presents were Canada's province and territory kids. Canada didn't need the latest craze to make him happy; just seeing his kids filled him with joy and pride. A father's children were his greatest gifts.
"Look inside your stockings, everyone," Canada called to his roommates and province and territory kids. They all listened to him and went over to the mantelpiece, then they looked inside their stockings. British Columbia got a badge with a peace symbol on it, Alberta got some wads of loonies and toonies (much to everyone else's ennui), Saskatchewan got a bale of wheat to make into flour, Manitoba got a packet of white chocolate drops, Ontario got a CN Tower hat, Quebec got a Bonhomme plush toy, New Brunswick got a lumberjack figure, Nova Scotia got a CD of the Cape Breton Fiddlers' new album, Newfoundland got some fish food, Labrador got some special dog chocolates, Prince Edward Island got a book of Anne of Green Gables, Yukon got a 22-carat gold bar, Northwest Territories got a sparkly genuine diamond, and Nunavut got a packet of some white chocolates shaped like polar bears. And what of Canada and his roommates? They got some mini-books on different subjects, which they could read just by taking them out of their pockets.
After all that excitement, it was time to have breakfast. Canada prepared himself and every member of his family their favourite – bacon sandwiches topped with brown sauce and cups of tea with one sugar cube and some milk. He gave Labrador some food and some water to drink. Ontario read his book while he had his breakfast. He wanted to know how to dominate Canada, both economically and culturally. British Columbia's 'bacon' sandwich had vegetarian 'bacon' in it, so as not to upset her nature-loving ways.
After everyone had eaten, they all returned to the living room. Ontario turned on the wireless and opened up his new computer, then he booted it up and began to set it all up. New Brunswick was setting up her new phone too, connecting it to the wireless and adding some useful numbers, like Canada's number and Nova Scotia's number, to the phonebook. Prince Edward Island turned on the TV. To her surprise, Anne of Green Gables was playing! "Oh, good!" she exclaimed. "Let me get my book." She retrieved her book from the mantelpiece and began to read it, following the programme on TV closely. Nova Scotia went upstairs to fetch his fiddle and bow, then he put the Cape Breton Fiddlers' CD on and began to fiddle along melodiously to the sweet music.
Manitoba, Ontario and Quebec heard the mellifluous fiddle music, both Nova Scotia's and on the CD, and began to jeer at Nova Scotia. "Bleah! Why do you love that music?" Ontario asked mockingly. "It doesn't even have any lyrics!" He, Manitoba and Quebec all began to laugh out loud. Nova Scotia perked up and noticed them, a slightly angry look on his face. Manitoba, Ontario and Quebec rushed up to the music centre and changed Nova Scotia's beautiful fiddle music to loud, obnoxious and booming techno music. Nova Scotia began to shout at the top of his voice, kicking the shreds of wrapping paper and empty boxes aside in a rage. He gave Manitoba, Ontario and Quebec short and sharp slaps on their shoulders, and they began to snivel and beg for mercy. Nova Scotia huffed indignantly at the troublesome trio, and put the fiddle music back on. He smiled as he began to fiddle again.
"Actually…" said Nova Scotia, taking the CD out, "I'll practise upstairs. Then Ontario and his gang won't disturb me." He took his fiddle, bow, case and CD upstairs with him to his room and shut the door. Shortly after, lovely fiddle music began to play from upstairs, both from the CD and from Nova Scotia. This meant Manitoba, Ontario and Quebec could play THEIR music downstairs! They put the noisy techno music back on and began to dance around wildly. Canada, his roommates and his other province and territory kids complained about the rowdy sound. Canada went up to Ontario angrily and turned off the music. "Ontario, you bad province," he scolded him. He slapped him on his chest, and he indicated the sofa crossly. Ontario gave a sob, and he slid over to the sofa sadly. He lay on his side, pulled a soft, thick, comfy blanket over himself, rested his head on one of the cushions and began to lament his wrongdoing. "Serves him right," Newfoundland Sr. smiled angrily at Ontario. "Yes," Canada agreed, also smiling angrily at Ontario. "Bay, bay, bay," Newfoundland Jr. agreed too, and he was smiling angrily at Ontario as well. Ontario became deeply hurt from Canada, Newfoundland Sr. and Newfoundland Jr.'s angry smiles.
Canada and all his province and territory kids were sitting on the sofa, watching the Christmas TV line-up. Canada's roommates were sitting on the sofa opposite him and his provinces and territories.
Ontario still felt depressed. Manitoba and Quebec tried to cheer him up by laughing out loud whenever something funny happened on TV. Ontario would try his best to laugh with them, but he could only manage a sad chuckle. "Aw, Ontario," Manitoba cooed at him. "You're still feeling a little desolate." He touched and stroked his back tenderly, and Ontario felt a bit better, but still feeling melancholy. On TV, Canadians Do The Funniest Things was starting up. It was their annual Christmas special, where they showed both festive funnies and the best amusing video clips from the past year. "Look, Ontario!" Manitoba called, pointing to the TV. "Our favourite show's on! This is certainly gonna make you all happy again, isn't it?" "Yes," Ontario smiled unhappily. He got on to watching the show with Manitoba and Quebec.
A wide range of amusing video clips began to play on TV. As always, the witty narrator was there, and so were the live audience, laughing out loud. Manitoba and Quebec chortled noisily at each and every one of them, and slowly but surely, Ontario's usual brazen laughter returned. Alberta, Saskatchewan and Newfoundland laughed at things they genuinely found funny, but British Columbia, New Brunswick, Nova Scotia, Prince Edward Island and the territories just looked bored at them, folding their arms. "They'll laugh at anything they think is funny," New Brunswick moaned. "Well, people these days'll laugh at anything they think is funny," Nova Scotia groaned. "The quality of TV today…" British Columbia sighed. "It's just directed towards people with no intelligence," Prince Edward Island bemoaned. Canada, his roommates and the territories all agreed with her. Almost everything on TV nowadays was totally stupid. Why couldn't people watch clever programs like those ones Nova Scotia always watched on the Culture Channel?
Then something on TV caught the family's eye. It was a video of a certain ginger-haired someone. New Brunswick realized who it was and gasped in extreme shock and horror. "Oh my God, that's Nova Scotia!" she screamed, pointing at the TV. Nova Scotia gasped in shock and horror too. "That's from when I went to Lobster Land!" he exclaimed. "It was their launch day that day!" Lobster Land was a lobster-themed amusement park just outside Riverville. Nova Scotia had been lucky enough to visit it on the day it had launched, and he'd made some new friends along the way, in the form of the theme park's travelling band, the Crust-Amazes.
Unfortunately, Nova Scotia had another haunting experience while at Lobster Land… On TV, Nova Scotia suddenly broke wind in front of everyone around him, a huge cloud of 'cocoa powder' gusting from his backside. The narrator went "Ooh!" and the audience hooted merrily. "Oops!" Nova Scotia exclaimed on TV. "Sorry!" The audience howled with laughter, and so did Manitoba, Ontario and Quebec. But Canada, his roommates and his other province and territory kids jolted upward in extreme shock and horror, especially New Brunswick and Nova Scotia. "Oh no…" Nova Scotia moaned loudly. "And that's all because I was in the wrong place at the wrong time…" He moaned loudly again, letting his arms droop by his sides. "Ohh! Thanks to some stupid twat's nasty trick on me, I'm the butt of jokes throughout the entire Rainbowland region!" Manitoba, Ontario and Quebec guffawed really noisily and obnoxiously at Nova Scotia's little pun. New Brunswick moaned discontentedly, and Nova Scotia grumbled angrily, slapping his face with his open palm. "D'oh… Why'd I have to make that dumb gag?" he thought to himself indignantly. "I'm getting out of here! I can't take it anymore!" he yelled cantankerously, stomping out of the living room. "I'm going to practise my fiddling until Christmas dinner!" Canada, his other province and territory kids and his roommates watched after Nova Scotia as he rushed testily up to his room and slammed the door in a frenzy. Soon after, they all heard sweet fiddle music coming from upstairs, both from Nova Scotia and his CD. "Wow, that certainly embarrassed him, didn't it?" Saskatchewan asked. "Yes," New Brunswick agreed, nodding rather sadly. She knew Nova Scotia's constant, awful farting had made the family victims of jokes from all across Rainbowland.
Canada went over to the kitchen and retrieved all the stuff he'd bought a few weeks before Christmas from the freezer, like the gammon steaks, pork ribs, Brussels sprouts, lobster, bacon-wrapped sausages, and of course, the turkey. He also fetched the gravy granules, sauces and chutneys from the condiments cupboard and placed them on the dining table.
Canada took a thermometer out from the kitchen utensil cupboard and a mini-guide to cooking turkey from the cookbook shelf. He weighed the turkey on the kitchen scales and looked up the recommended oven temperature and time to cook in his mini-guide. He turned on the oven and set the correct temperature, then waited for the oven to heat up. He opened the oven door and lined a roasting tray with some aluminum foil. Canada placed the turkey on the tray, and he added some roasting potatoes beside it. Protecting his hand with a heatproof glove, he slotted the turkey and potatoes into the hot oven and closed the door. "Let that cook until dinner time tonight," Canada told himself, removing the heatproof glove from his hand. He stored the glove on the handles on the oven door.
Just as he was about to return to the living room, he heard the doorbell ring. "Oh, someone's at the door," said Canada. He went up to the door and opened it up. To his astonishment, it was America and all his state kids! "Happy holidays!" America greeted, running up to Canada and embracing him. Canada chuckled rather nervously, sweating slightly fretfully. "Merry Christmas," he greeted back, embracing America too. "Merry Christmas, Mr. Williams!" America's state kids all greeted in unity. Canada smiled sweetly. "Well, come and make yourself at home," he beamed brightly. "Oh, the weather outside is frightful!" "But inside it's so delightful…" America crooned beautifully as he entered Canada's house. "And since there's no place to go… Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!" America's state kids all sang together cheerfully, entering after their father. Alaska and Hawaii, the final two of America's state kids to enter Canada's house, closed the door behind themselves.
Much like Canada and his province and territory kids, America and his state kids were all dressed in their formal costumes. They all went into the living room to greet Canada's province and territory kids and his roommates. But someone was missing – and that someone was Nova Scotia. "Yo, hey, where's Nova Scotia?" Maine asked. "He's upstairs, practising on his fiddle," New Brunswick replied. "Oh, okay," said Maine, nodding. He went upstairs to find Nova Scotia.
Maine opened the door to Canada's room and caught sight of Nova Scotia practising his fiddling. "Hi, Nova Scotia," he greeted him. On hearing Maine's voice, Nova Scotia stopped playing his fiddle. He paused the music on the CD and stomped up to Maine rather irritably. "Can't you see I'm busy practising?" he snapped. Maine looked astounded. "Nova Scotia, I just wanted to talk to you for a minute," he said. Nova Scotia grumbled irascibly. "I'm busy," he griped. "You can talk to me later." "Nova Scotia, please," Maine asked. "Just a minute." Nova Scotia growled rather angrily. "Look, I'm busy right now," he objected. "When I have time, you can talk to me." Maine sighed, feeling rather jaded. "Come on, Nova Scotia. Just a little moment." Nova Scotia stomped up even closer to Maine and put his face onto Maine's, so that he could feel his hot breath that smelled of the salty sea. "Disturb me again, and I'll fucking beat you with my fiddlestick," he threatened him viciously. Maine chuckled nervously, sweating fretfully.
At that moment, Manitoba, Ontario and Quebec appeared at the door, and Nova Scotia moved away slightly from Maine, who looked at them. The troublesome trio were all smirking deviously. Ontario had a small remote control in his hand. He pointed it at Nova Scotia's music centre and pressed the 'Play' button. Extremely noisy techno music began to play, making everything vibrate. Manitoba, Ontario and Quebec guffawed nastily, and Maine flinched with the deep, resounding booming.
Nova Scotia turned around slowly to look at the pulsating music centre, then he began to growl crossly. Finally, he released his vast rage. "FUCK OFF!" he roared extremely furiously, lunging towards Maine and forcing him against the wall extremely hard. He thrashed Maine across the face with his fiddle bow repeatedly and fervently, reddening Maine's skin. "You fucking twat!" Nova Scotia cursed wrathfully as he beat Maine's face until it was the same shade of red as his smart tie. "Why'd you have to interrupt me when I was in the middle of my fiddling practice?!" "Oh, Nova Scotia," Maine begged, his face throbbing with pain, "I only wanted to have a little chat with you." "You bother me to talk to me?!" Nova Scotia screeched heatedly, giving Maine some hard scratches on his face, making it bleed slightly. "You fucking shit-head!" Nova Scotia then slapped Maine's cheeks with great force, creating rubicund smack marks on them.
Nova Scotia thrust Maine aside and screamed exceedingly noisily into his ears so that they throbbed with mild discomfort. He then stood behind him and put out his hands so that they almost touched Maine's back. "YOU FUCKING DISGRACE!" Nova Scotia thundered irately as he pushed Maine down the stairs. Maine gave hoots of shock and ache as he tumbled roughly down the stairs, causing carpet burns to form on his flushed, torn skin. Manitoba, Ontario and Quebec were honking with laughter at the blaring techno music blasting from Nova Scotia's music centre, Nova Scotia raging and at Maine toppling down the steps. They thought that the pulsating electronic beat of the techno music coupled with Maine stumbling down the stairs and Nova Scotia being very angry was extremely funny.
Maine landed with a hard bang on the floor at the bottom of the staircase, immediately losing consciousness. His heart stopped beating, and he ceased breathing. His ruptured, rosy skin broke out in a cold sweat.
Vermont and New Hampshire noticed that Maine wasn't in the living room. "Where's Maine?" Vermont asked. "He went upstairs, didn't he?" New Hampshire replied. "Better go look for him, then," said Vermont.
Vermont and New Hampshire left the living room and were about to go upstairs, when they found Maine lying at the bottom of the stairs, completely comatose. They both gasped in shock and horror. "Oh my God, Maine's totally out of it!" Vermont screamed in fear. "Quickly, call America and Canada over!" New Hampshire shouted. Vermont went to get America and Canada, shrieking their names in terror.
Canada and his province and territory kids, America and his other state kids and Canada's roommates all gathered at the scene. They all gasped in shock and horror. "Oh no, he's unconscious," Canada groaned, seeing Maine lying unconscious on the floor. "Luckily, I know my CPR." He crouched in in front of the cataleptic Maine and pushed down hard on his chest several times in succession to try and restore his heartbeat. Then he gave Maine a kiss of life, exhaling into his mouth continually to try and get him to resume breathing.
Canada repeated the procedure several more times. Everyone else watched in anxiety. America and his other state kids especially. Maine was one of America's original states; he'd been one of his states ever since he was born. If Maine died, America would lose a piece of his history. That would greatly upset him, but even so, as he watched Canada try to resuscitate Maine, he was already planning his funeral in his head. Tears were forming in his eyes, and some of them spilled down his face. Some of his state kids saw him crying. "Dad, don't cry," New York comforted him. "Maine will get through okay. I promise." America sobbed, more tears streaming down his face. He just wanted Maine to live.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, Maine awoke from his coma. His heart had begun to beat again, and he was breathing normally once more. He scanned around the whole place, seeing America and his other state kids, Canada and his province and territory kids and his roommates. He was breathing very heavily, and he was cold and sweating. Locks of his hair were glued to his chilly, clammy forehead.
America's tears overflowed as he saw that Maine had survived. He ran up to him and embraced him so sweetly, tears raining down his face, sobbing dejectedly. Just like New York had promised, Maine had pulled through. America touched and stroked Maine's back very tenderly. "You're alive," he blubbered. "Indeed, I am," Maine replied, looking serious. America's other state kids, Canada and his province and territory kids and his roommates watched this beautiful, heart-warming sight. This was like another Christmas gift for Maine – he had fallen unconscious, but the gift was being given a second chance at life. Thank God Canada knew his CPR… or Maine would have never lived to see Boxing Day, or even New Year's Day.
America noticed that Maine's face was all red and bleeding slightly. He had ruddy smack marks on his cheeks, brown, long cuts that were marginally bleeding from Nova Scotia hitting him with his fiddle bow, and deep scratch marks, which were also bleeding a bit, from when Nova Scotia clawed at his face. He also had carpet burns when his skin rubbed against the rough fabric of the stair covering. "Ooh, he's had quite a nasty tumble down the stairs, hasn't he?" Canada asked gravely. America looked at Maine's beaten face, and agreed with Canada, nodding lugubriously. His state kids, Canada's province and territory kids and his roommates all agreed too, nodding sombrely.
Nova Scotia appeared at the top of the stairs, his fists on his hips, still extremely angry at Maine. Everyone at the bottom of the stairs looked up at him and gasped in shock and horror. "Nova Scotia!" they all shouted in unity, frightened. Canada stared at Nova Scotia in disbelief. "Nova Scotia…" he murmured, "Did you push Maine down the stairs?" Nova Scotia glared at Maine, folding his arms. "Yes," he confessed, nodding his head solemnly. "Yes. I did."
Canada gasped in extreme dismay, and rushed up the stairs to Nova Scotia crossly. "YOU pushed Maine down the stairs?" he retorted. "Yes," Nova Scotia admitted, nodding his head seriously. Canada glowered at Nova Scotia, then he gave him a short but sharp slap on his shoulder. "You horrible province. You could have killed Maine! Which could have meant America would have lost one of the states that was with him ever since the day that he was born!" Canada gave Nova Scotia a few more short, sharp slaps on his shoulders. "Go and practise your fiddling until Christmas dinner!" Canada yelled vehemently, giving Nova Scotia an extremely hard slap on his shoulder and shoving him harshly back into his room. He slammed the door indignantly, and Nova Scotia just stared angrily at the shut door, folding his arms. He didn't care that he hurt Maine so severely. See this, Nova Scotia had deeply despised Maine ever since he was a little province, in fact even before he was one of Canada's province and territory kids, when he and Maine were merely colonies. It was because Nova Scotia thought that Maine was stealing all his lobsters (there are lobsters in Maine too, mind you) from the cold waters off his coasts and unfairly selling them as 'Nova Scotia' lobsters (when they were really 'Maine' lobsters). To make Nova Scotia's profound antagonism against Maine run even more innate, some people from Maine had recently tested out lobsters from both Maine and Nova Scotia, and they found out that the Maine lobster tasted much better than the Nova Scotia lobster. This made Nova Scotia totally furious! How dare Maine take the very crustacean that he loved eating so much, and which had a special spot in his heart?
Still feeling the inferno of umbrage towards Maine burn deep inside him, Nova Scotia changed Manitoba, Ontario and Quebec's brash, rowdy techno music CD back to his beautiful fiddle music CD, picked up his fiddle and bow and began to practise his fiddling once again, the sweet melody of both his fiddling and that of the Cape Breton Fiddlers on the CD calming him down, making him smile sweetly. Music always appeased Nova Scotia (well, as long as it was 'good' music, according to his musical tastes).
America had an opened pot of cream in his hand. He scooped up some of the thick cream and applied it generously all over Maine's badly-injured face, the cream squishing and squelching loudly as he smeared it around, covering everything. Maine felt a cold, creamy, greasy feeling on his face, tingling pleasantly. He smiled amiably. "Whoa, Maine," Vermont exclaimed, looking at Maine's shining, creamed, severely-damaged face. "Nova Scotia hurt you so bad, didn't he?" "Mmm-hmm," Maine agreed, nodding his head, smiling sadly. "He did. He really did." Vermont and New Hampshire went up to him and touched and stroked his back so fondly. "Aw, Maine," New Hampshire tweeted lovingly. "It seems that Nova Scotia has something against you. I know that's been going on for many years now, but you shouldn't let it get to you too much. Right, Maine?" "Uh-huh," Maine nodded. "Good little state," New Hampshire praised him. Maine nodded again. "Hee-hee. Thanks, New Hampshire."
Canada took out the turkey from the oven to check the cooking progress. By now, it had gone a pale golden brown colour. "Nearly there," he smiled, taking the temperature from the inside of the turkey. He slotted the turkey back into the oven and closed the door.
Canada went into the living room, where he found Maine sitting on the sofa, watching TV, his broken face all creamy and oily. "Hello, Maine," he greeted him. "Hi, Canada," Maine greeted back. Canada sat down on the sofa beside him, and he touched and stroked his back so kindly. "I feel so pitiful for you," he sympathized with him. "Nova Scotia's got a bit of a temper. If something makes him tick, he'll take it all out on the first thing – or person – he sees. It seems you're one of his numerous anger triggers, Maine. He says it's because you're taking all his lobsters and selling them off as his, but really they're yours." "But I catch my own lobsters, too," Maine asserted. "Although, I think sometimes his lobsters enter my lobsters' territory, so I guess he's right in a way." Canada smiled with understanding. "I think you're correct, Maine," he said, touching and fondling Maine's back again. "I mean, lobsters are always crawling around under the water, aren't they?" "Well, yeah," Maine agreed, nodding. "I mean, they're sea creatures, aren't they? So they're always creeping around underwater." "Yes, Maine," said Canada, taking a lock of Maine's hair and smoothing it down. "So maybe that's why Nova Scotia hates you so much." Maine nodded gravely. "Uh-huh." Canada smiled at him caringly. He touched and stroked Maine's back so lovingly, then he went into the kitchen to make himself and Maine a cup of tea.
A few moments later, Canada sat back down beside Maine on the sofa, handing him his cup of tea, and sipping his. Maine supped some of his tea too, comforting him. Canada smiled cordially at him, and Maine smiled at him too.
At that moment, Nevada came into the living room. "Hey, Maine," he sang amusingly, seeing Maine sitting on the sofa, sipping his tea. "Heh-heh," Maine chuckled charmingly, hearing Nevada's catchy little melody, drinking a little more of his brew. "Hi, Nevada." Canada returned to the kitchen to cook the other things for Christmas dinner while the turkey was finishing roasting. Nevada sat down on the sofa just beside Maine, and he touched and stroked his back tenderly. "It's not very good what Nova Scotia did to you, is it?" he asked seriously. Maine shook his head slowly and sadly. "No," he replied, looking a bit down. "Not at all, Nevada." Saskatchewan was caring for his little seedlings, watering them and talking to them genially. "What's Saskatchewan doing?" Maine asked. Nevada looked at Saskatchewan. "Helping his plants to grow big and strong," he replied, smiling. Maine smiled too. "He's a good gardener," he beamed brightly. "Mmm-hmm," Nevada agreed, nodding his head. Nevada put his face close to Maine's and buffed his cheek against his, feeling so much affection for each other. But in doing so, some of the cream on Maine's face rubbed off onto Nevada's cheek, and he felt a slightly rough feeling. "Ooh," said Nevada, feeling some cream on his cheek, seeing a raw patch on Maine's cheek. "Ooh," Maine cooed too, feeling something bare on his face. They gazed at each other in surprise for a few moments, blinking, then they laughed it off and embraced each other caringly.
"Come on down, everybody!" Canada called to the whole family (and America's, too). "Christmas dinner's ready!" Canada's province and territory kids (Nova Scotia included), his roommates, and America and his state kids all listened to Canada and went down to the dining room. On the table was their complete Christmas feast; bacon-wrapped sausages, smoked salmon canapés, cheesy chilli bites, pieces of boneless chicken, tortillas and tacos with a variety of fillings, vegetable quiche, macaroni cheese, prawn crackers, chicken pops (with a vegetarian version for British Columbia, made with veggie-friendly 'chicken'), Brussels sprouts, lobsters of the finest quality with extra meat, juice and flavour, mince pies, 'octopuses' (frankfurter sausages which had long slits made in the sides and then deep-fried to make the strips curl up like octopuses' tentacles), gammon steaks, pork ribs (Alberta would absolutely love those!), and – no Christmas dinner would ever be complete without one of these – the lovely, juicy, bronze roast turkey, with stuffing and trimmings, and some thick, meaty gravy to accompany it. There was also a wide selection of sauces and chutneys to give their food that little extra kick. (Let's see this. There's some first-class lobster, blessed with extra meat, juice and flavour, together with some Brussels sprouts and mince pies, and Nova Scotia's at the dinner. Hmm, yes… I can see where this is going now.)
Everyone took a seat at the table, and chatted to each other. Massachusetts scooped up some thick cream from the pot and applied it to Maine's broken, greased face again, smearing it everywhere. The cream squashed and squelched as Massachusetts smudged it all over Maine's badly-damaged, oily face. That chilly, buttery, greasy, feeling returned to Maine's face, and it tingled with the soothing sensation. Maine smiled pleasantly at Massachusetts. He nodded at him in agreement.
Canada took some drinks from the fridge. There was some Wolfville red wine, Nova Scotian blueberry juice, British Columbian apple juice, Niagara ice wine, fizzy 'Fruit Twist' (Manitoba, Ontario and Quebec's favourite drink), Alexander Keith's Nova Scotia Beer, some dark stout (for Alberta), and some New Brunswick cranberry juice. He placed them all on the middle of the table, and he sat down at the end, opposite America. He told everyone to pray again, which they all did (Ontario doing it rather unenthusiastically and impatiently, like last time), and everyone made the Sign of the Cross. But Ontario shouted out noisily and nastily, "And I give my thanks to God for all the food we have here, which I can eat all for myself!" "ONTARIO!" Canada screamed at him. Everyone else, even America and his state kids, grumbled at him. Ontario was just so odious! (He isn't called 'Obnoxious Ontario' for nothing!)
"Well, then, everyone," Canada smiled, "let's tuck in." "Merry Christmas," everyone cheered. And they all began to dine on their Christmas buffet. Everyone poured a drink and took some of the food (turkey included!) for themselves. They all clinked their glasses together as a toast to each other. A toast to Maine, especially, as he had miraculously survived a gauntlet of cruelty from Nova Scotia, and was given a second chance to live after Nova Scotia had pushed him down the stairs in a massive fury. Maine felt really honoured to be the subject of a toast.
New Brunswick noticed that Nova Scotia was eating a lot of the lobster and Brussels sprouts. Her eyes looked sideways at him anxiously as he bolted down the extra-juicy, very flavourful, abundant first-class lobster meat and little leafy green Brussels sprouts rather hastily. Why was she anxious? Well, you know Brussels sprouts and the finest-quality lobster, blessed with more juice, meat and flavour, cause Nova Scotia to have a certain something…
Nova Scotia sipped some of his beer to hydrate himself a little. Soon after, he felt his stomach rumbling. He put his hands on his belly, and it grumbled a little louder. New Brunswick's anxiety rose a little higher. Everyone else at the table got anxious too, especially Canada and his other province and territory kids.
Nova Scotia looked down at his stomach, and its deep rumbling became noisier, evolving into resonant growling. He put his hands at his sides, and his paunch grumbled even louder. Everyone else at the table, including New Brunswick, got even more anxious as his stomach rumbled louder still.
Eventually, Nova Scotia lifted himself off his chair slightly. He broke wind at a very deep pitch, a massive cloud of 'cocoa powder' blasting from his backside. It was so brassy, and it stank so much, that everyone at the table could hear and smell it. They all complained loudly, trying to fan the putrid air away. New Brunswick and Newfoundland complained the most, since they were sitting on either side just next to him. Nova Scotia stood up from his chair. "Oops! Sorry!" he apologized, bowing down slightly. This made him rip a higher-pitched gas detonation, a wood-brown cloud of 'chocolate dust' puffing from his behind. Everyone else growled about the awful stench and tried to wave the stinky air away again. "Excuse me!" Nova Scotia apologized again. Everyone accepted his apologies rather grouchily (d'oh!).
Manitoba, Ontario and Quebec gulped down their glasses of Fruit Twist really fast. They slammed down their empty glasses on the table and belched really vociferously and obnoxiously, laughing out loud afterwards. Everyone else roared with disgust at their poor table manners. "MANITOBA! ONTARIO! QUEBEC!" Canada yelled irately at each one of the troublesome threesome. "So stupid!" Prince Edward Island complained. "Mmm-hmm," Nova Scotia agreed calmly, nodding his head, farting right in New Brunswick's face, a chocolate-brown cloud of 'chocolate powder' gusting all over her. New Brunswick roared at Nova Scotia for farting straight in her face. "Sorry, New Brunswick," he apologized to her, nodding his head again. She accepted his apology rather gruffly.
Manitoba, Ontario and Quebec rushed into the living room and turned on the TV, increasing the volume to a really high level. They all laughed out loud, shaking their arms about like crazy. Canada, his other province and territory kids and his roommates all ran into the living room (and so did America and his state kids), and Canada shouted crossly at the tricky trio to turn the volume down. "Yes, you heard him right!" Nova Scotia yelled at them, letting loose another windy blast, a dark brown cloud of 'cocoa dust' emanating from his posterior. "Turn it down!" But Manitoba, Ontario and Quebec just ignored Nova Scotia and continued to chortle along to the really high volume of the TV. Nova Scotia grumbled at them. "Sorry about that," he apologized to the audience, nodding seriously.
Now Manitoba, Ontario and Quebec really wanted to peeve Nova Scotia off. Ontario had the remote control for the living room music centre in his hand. He smirked mischievously, and so did Manitoba and Quebec. Ontario aimed the remote control at the music centre and pressed the 'Play' button. Really brash, noisy techno music began to blast out of the speakers, and Manitoba, Ontario and Quebec's cheeky laughter evolved into obnoxious guffawing, throwing themselves back. Canada, his other province and territory kids and his roommates, and America and his state kids jumped up in horror, screaming from the awful noise hitting their eardrums. Manitoba, Ontario and Quebec guffawed even more nastily, and they began to dance about uncontrollably, shaking and waving their arms and shuffling their feet about madly.
Nova Scotia stared at the booming, vibrating music centre in disbelief for a few seconds. His anger built up deep inside him as the awful electronic music touched his tunefully cultured ears, and he shook his fists mildly. This was profoundly insulting his good musical tastes.
Finally, Nova Scotia released his huge ire. He screamed at the top of his voice and began to stomp on the ground, his feet making resonating sounds on the floor. He rushed up to Manitoba, Ontario and Quebec and slapped them all across the face very hard, creating rubicund smack marks on their cheeks, just like he had done with Maine. The troublesome trio gave cries of pain as Nova Scotia spanked their faces.
Nova Scotia shrieked with intense fury as he rushed up to the Christmas tree and shook it about violently, making the decorations, baubles and little paper angel on top fall off onto the floor. He shook it so much that the Christmas tree eventually collapsed to the ground, forcing the plug for all the lights out of its socket. The trembling made Nova Scotia fart at a very deep pitch, a chocolate-brown cloud of sulphur gas gusting from his derriere. He leaped out from beneath the fallen Christmas tree, and screamed boisterously at the ceiling. Canada, his other province and territory kids (except Manitoba, Ontario and Quebec, of course), his roommates and America and his state kids all watched him, gaping in terror. Manitoba, Ontario and Quebec only laughed even louder at Nova Scotia being so angry, despite having smack marks on their cheeks.
Manitoba, Ontario and Quebec rushed over to the dining room and began to dance wildly on top of the table, making food and drink fly everywhere. Everyone else rushed in and gasped in shock and horror at the troublesome trio just dancing to the loud, booming music without a care. As they danced, they tipped one of the glasses over, which still had wine in it. The glass came tumbling down to the floor, and exploded in a mess of jagged glass shards and red wine. Nova Scotia looked down at the broken glass and moaned loudly, then he yelled irately at Manitoba, Ontario and Quebec to get off the table this instant. They didn't listen to him, of course, because the music was really noisy, and they were totally engrossed in their crazy dancing.
Nova Scotia went over to one end of the table and bent down slightly, making him break wind loudly, a disgusting mud-brown cloud of 'chocolate powder' emanating from his other end. Screaming furiously, he yanked on the tablecloth, pulling it off the table, making all the food and drink fall off, with some of the plates and glasses cracking and smashing into pieces. Manitoba, Ontario and Quebec tripped up and landed hard on the floor, banging their heads on the ground. They all yelped in pain with the sharp ache, and Nova Scotia gave a holler of extreme rage, shaking his fists angrily. Everyone else watched with trepidation.
Manitoba, Ontario and Quebec spotted some empty boxes beside the fallen Christmas tree, and they got a great idea. They rushed up to the vacant boxes, sniggering mischievously, picked them up and ran upstairs, just outside Canada's room. Nova Scotia rushed up the stairs with irritation, but just as he reached the middle step, Manitoba, Ontario and Quebec pushed themselves and went zipping down the stairs in the boxes, laughing out loud. They brushed past Nova Scotia roughly, making him let loose another gassy blast, an almost-black cloud of 'cocoa dust' puffing from his rear. Nova Scotia growled with anger, shaking his fists, and Manitoba, Ontario and Quebec guffawed nastily, then they rushed into the living room. Everyone else looked on with apprehension.
Manitoba, Ontario and Quebec were just about to 'ride' on the fallen Christmas tree, when Nova Scotia rushed in. So did Canada, his other province and territory kids, his roommates, and America and his state kids. Nova Scotia slackened his black ribbon, draped it over his shoulders and turned his back on the troublesome trio, bending down slightly. Manitoba, Ontario and Quebec chuckled nervously, giggling fretfully, and everyone stared at them all with anticipation.
All of a sudden, Nova Scotia let a huge one rip all over Manitoba, Ontario and Quebec, a wood-brown cloud of sulphur gas blustering all over the tricky threesome. Manitoba, Ontario and Quebec reacted with disgust, trying to fan the stinky air away. Canada, America, Canada's other province and territory kids and his roommates, and America's state kids all reacted in revulsion too, trying to wave the reeking air aside. Nova Scotia licked his lips irritably, and he cut another windy detonation, a chocolate-brown sulphurous cloud gusting all over Manitoba, Ontario and Quebec. They reacted in repulsion again, and so did Canada and his other province and territory kids, his roommates, and America and his state kids. Nova Scotia moistened his lips with indignation once more. The entire living room was beginning to stink of rotten eggs, and everyone (except Nova Scotia, of course) tried to fan away the putrid air.
Nova Scotia re-draped his ribbon over his shoulders and bent down slightly again, holding on tight to his ribbon. He let loose an extremely bass-like, stinky, enormous fart all over Manitoba, Ontario and Quebec, a disgusting mud-brown cloud of 'chocolate dust' blasting all over the troublemaking trio. Now the room stank of a sewer. Canada, his other province and territory kids, his roommates, America and his state kids all reacted with tremendous revolt. Manitoba, Ontario and Quebec became all drowsy from the awful reek, and they eventually collapsed to the floor, falling asleep instantly, their bodies sprawled messily all over the floor.
Nova Scotia licked with lips with irritation once again, and he huffed crossly. And to add insult to injury, he ripped a very high-pitched trumpet toot onto the sleeping Manitoba, Ontario and Quebec, an almost black puff of 'cocoa powder' emanating from his derriere. He moistened his lips and huffed with indignation again. Canada, his other provinces and territories, his roommates, America and his state kids all flinched greatly with deep repugnance. "Phew-whee!" they all complained out loud, holding their noses and trying to wave away the stinking air. "Oh, Nova Scotia!" Nova Scotia only licked his lips and huffed angrily once more, as if to say, "They deserved it." ('They' referring to Manitoba, Ontario and Quebec, of course…) Nova Scotia let loose another very high-pitched, smelly fart onto the sleeping Manitoba, Ontario and Quebec, a black cloud of 'cocoa dust' blowing from his backside. Canada and all the others went "Ugh!" loudly, keeping hold of their noses and trying to fan the stinky air aside. Nova Scotia just glared heatedly at the sleeping tricky trio, feeling great exasperation towards them.
Canada had a suitably seasonal apple-and-spices aerosol in his hand. He aimed it towards the ceiling and spritzed the sweet, piquant fragrance liberally all over the living room, banishing the awful gassy stink that Nova Scotia made. He looked rather angry with him. "Good God, Nova Scotia," he snapped, spraying some of the perfume lightly onto Nova Scotia. "You stank the whole place out with all that farting, didn't you?" "Mmm-hmm," Nova Scotia agreed irritably, nodding his head seriously, folding his arms. Canada looked at him with a slightly angry face. "Of course you did. Whenever you fart, which is practically all the time now, it always causes a right stink, doesn't it?" Nova Scotia agreed with indignation again, nodding his head solemnly, folding his arms and saying, "Mmm-hmm." "Yes, Nova Scotia. It always does," Canada returned the agreement, looking rather angrily at him. Nova Scotia agreed with him back, nodding his head sombrely, folding his arms and saying, "Mmm-hmm." Canada sprayed the fragrance all over the room until the entire place smelled of yummy apples and spices. Nova Scotia watched him breeze the beautiful aroma all over the living room, with a slightly irritated look on his face, his arms folded.
Canada carefully picked Manitoba, Ontario and Quebec from the floor and laid them down on the sofa, sliding some cushions under their heads. They were still sleeping from Nova Scotia's 'gas attack' on them, but they were also tired from all that crazy dancing and messing around earlier. Canada pulled some soft, thick, comfy blankets over them to keep them warm. He touched and stroked them so tenderly as they napped. Manitoba, Ontario and Quebec were the troublesome of Canada's family, but as a good father would do, he loved them so sincerely. He knew they weren't perfect and that they weren't angels dressed in white with haloes above their heads, but they were his kids, as were his other provinces and territories, and he loved them all with his heart, however flawed they were.
Nova Scotia walked out of the living room and was about to go upstairs, when Canada entered. "What are you going to do, Nova Scotia?" he asked him. Nova Scotia turned to face him. "Going to practise my fiddle," Nova Scotia replied seriously. Canada smiled at Nova Scotia. "Good little province," he praised him. Nova Scotia continued to look solemnly at him as he ascended the stairs. But every time he stepped up, he released several farts in succession, with sulphurous clouds of darkening shades of brown blustering from his rump. Canada reacted in disgust and sprayed the lovely fragrance up and down the staircase, eliminating Nova Scotia's stinky, windy odour. Nova Scotia got to the top of the stairs, releasing a stinking detonation, a black cloud of 'chocolate powder' gusting from his rear. Canada reacted in disgust again, and sprayed the area immediately behind Nova Scotia with the pretty perfume. Nova Scotia turned to look at Canada, and he smiled austerely. "Sorry about that," he apologized, nodding his head sombrely. Canada accepted his apologies gladly, and Nova Scotia went into his room, shutting the door behind himself. A few seconds later, beautiful fiddle music, both from Nova Scotia and the Cape Breton Fiddlers' CD, could be heard coming from his room. Canada smiled sweetly. Even though Nova Scotia was a real bitch (and windbag) of a province sometimes, he really loved – and was highly committed to - his sweet music.
Later that evening, Canada, all his province and territory kids, his roommates, America and all his state kids had even more wonders for them in store. Canada had a huge sack of big surprises beside him, and he was going to give a surprise to everyone in the living room. Manitoba, Ontario and Quebec had woken up from their little naps, and they were very impatient for their surprises, particularly Ontario, who was wearing his CN Tower hat on his head. Canada had turned the TV down to a low volume, and he had also fixed the Christmas tree up after Nova Scotia had pulled it down in a gassy rage, plugging in the lights again. He had also turned off Manitoba, Ontario and Quebec's loud and obnoxious techno music.
"Alright, the first one is…" announced Canada, rummaging into his sack of surprises and pulling out a rainbow banner. "British Columbia!" Everyone else cheered and applauded as Canada handed British Columbia her rainbow banner. British Columbia unravelled her rainbow banner to reveal its slogan: "PEACE" in big white letters. "Oh, wow!" she exclaimed, looking at her banner from left to right, turning it around so she could see the slogan on the other side. "I could nail this up above my bed." Everyone else cheered her name over and over, clapping their hands together for each syllable of her name. British Columbia sat back down, her banner in her hands. Manitoba, Ontario and Quebec stared at her meanly, folding their arms.
"Okay, next up is…" proclaimed Canada, rummaging around in his sack of surprises again, taking out even more wads of loonies and toonies. "Alberta!" Some of the crowd cheered and applauded, but others, such as British Columbia and New Brunswick, gave hoots of disapproval. "Alright!" Alberta shouted as he took up his loonies and toonies, showing them off to everyone else. He danced around happily as he flaunted his wealth. Those loonies and toonies he had just gotten would now be added on to the ones he had gotten that morning. Canada's other province and territory kids looked jaded at Alberta. "He just gets richer and richer every day," British Columbia moaned. "Yes," Saskatchewan agreed with her, looking bored. "Even we aren't richer than him," Ontario groaned, referring to himself, Manitoba and Quebec. The ones who approved of Alberta's richness chanted his name repeatedly, clapping their hands together on each syllable. Alberta sat back down, counting all his money, including the bills he received earlier on. Manitoba, Ontario and Quebec were starting to get fidgety, especially Ontario.
"Okay, now it's…" Canada announced, rummaging through his sack of surprises once more, taking out a biscuit baking kit. "Saskatchewan!" Everyone else cheered and applauded once again as Saskatchewan reclaimed his surprise. "Ooh," he cooed, looking at the box. "I could use the flour I mill my wheat into for this." Everyone else cheered Saskatchewan's name over and over as he sat back down, clapping their hands together syllabically. Manitoba, Ontario and Quebec were getting even more impatient now, in particular Ontario.
"Now, here's…" Canada declared, rummaging around in his sack of surprises, pulling out a pair of snowshoes. "Manitoba!" Manitoba whooped with joy as he grabbed hold of his snowshoes and whacked them together. Some of the others cheered and applauded for him, but others looked uninterested. Even his girlfriend, British Columbia, looked bored at him. She knew that he could be very grumpy and loud sometimes, especially when he was with Ontario and Quebec. "Hey, I could use these as tennis rackets when it isn't winter!" Manitoba laughed nastily, swishing the snowshoes around, pretending to hit a tennis ball with his rackets. Ontario and Quebec laughed rowdily with him, and everyone else cheered Manitoba's name repeatedly as he sat back down, clapping their hands together with each syllable. (The ones who approved of him, of course. Those who didn't just looked jaded at him…)
"Ooh, it's a very special someone's turn now," Canada announced happily. He rummaged around in his sack of surprises, and fetched a blue-and-white Toronto Maple Leafs hockey jersey, a tea mug with photos of Toronto all over it, a CN Tower pin badge, and a CN Tower keyring. Ontario went "Brrrup-brrrup!" and cackled really loudly and obnoxiously as he got up and retrieved his surprises, and Manitoba and Quebec cheered him on, clapping their hands noisily. Some of the others cheered and clapped their hands for Ontario too, but others looked wearied at him. "He's so greedy," British Columbia moaned. "He gets four surprises, and we only get one. It really isn't fair." "He's so obnoxious," Prince Edward Island groaned. "I think Canada's showing some province-ism towards Ontario," New Brunswick bemoaned. "Which is very strange, as you'd think Canada would show an equal amount of fatherly love to every single one of his provinces and territories, being the passionate advocate for equality that he is," groaned Nova Scotia. "So true," the others agreed with him, nodding their heads rather slowly and sadly, looking bored. But Ontario's approvers cheered his name over and over as he sat back down on the floor, clapping their hands for each syllable of his name.
"Alright, now it's…" Canada proclaimed, rummaging around in his sack of surprises, taking out a poutine-making kit. "Quebec!" Some of the crowd cheered and clapped their hands for him, especially Manitoba and Ontario. "Oh, oui!" Quebec agreed in French superciliously, getting up and taking the kit, hugging it with love. (Poutine is Quebec's provincial dish, and he's very obsessed with it…) "Now I can cook my favourite dish in just a matter of minutes." Some of the crowd looked jaded at Quebec. "He's so obsessed with poutine…" British Columbia moaned, looking bored at him. "And he eats a lot of it, too…" Prince Edward Island groaned. "That's not good for him at all, is it?" New Brunswick asked, looking uninterested. "No," Nova Scotia replied, looking wearied. "Not at all, New Brunswick." But those who approved of Quebec cheered his name repetitively, clapping their hands for each syllable his name had. Quebec sat back down, regarding the box of poutine mix with selfish adoration, kissing and hugging it patronizingly, evoking everyone else's ennui.
Canada felt something sharp and steely inside his sack of surprises. "Ooh, now here's an interesting one…" he announced, looking astonished. "And it's for… New Brunswick!" He took out a long, regal-looking samurai sword, and the crowd cheered and applauded as New Brunswick went up and took her surprise. She admired it with amazement, the steel and gemstones on the handle glimmering in the comfy low light. Manitoba, Ontario and Quebec looked up at New Brunswick appreciating her sword and began to mock her, sticking out their tongues, going "Nah-nah-neh-nah-nah!" and making 'loser' signs, putting them on their foreheads. New Brunswick heard them, and she growled angrily. She slashed the sword elegantly but sharply around them, grunting noisily as she sliced at the troublesome trio with grace and acuity. Manitoba, Ontario and Quebec all cowered in fear and snivelled with trepidation, begging for mercy. New Brunswick inclined the sword upon her shoulder with poise, going "Hmmph!" at the troublesome trio. Everyone else cheered her name repeatedly as she sat back down, clapping on each syllable of her name.
"Ooh, it's a certain someone's turn now…" Canada announced with amazement. He rummaged around in his sack of surprises, and pulled out several chunks of cheeses of different varieties. "And it's… Nova Scotia!" "Hmm?" Nova Scotia muttered softly, lifting himself slightly off the ground and breaking wind quite loudly, a cloud of 'chocolate dust' emanating from his backside. Everyone complained about the stink, especially New Brunswick and Newfoundland, since they were the closest to him. He got up from the floor to fetch his tasty surprises. To New Brunswick's horror, Nova Scotia's behind was right in front of her! He farted quite noisily again in her face, another cloud of 'cocoa powder' drifting all over her. She growled crossly at her husband passing gas right in her face, trying to wave away the reeking air. Everyone else cheered and clapped for Nova Scotia as he reclaimed his surprise gifts from Canada. Nova Scotia examined all the cheeses very carefully. They were Cheddar, Edam, mild Wensleydale with dried cranberries, blue Stilton and Gorgonzola. He decided to try one of them out for himself, so he unwrapped the Edam and took a bite out of it, avoiding the poisonous red rind. "Mmm," he crooned mellifluously, tasting the lovely, nutty flavour of the Edam in his mouth as he chewed it up. He swallowed it down, still savouring the beautiful flavour. However, soon afterwards, Nova Scotia let one rip, with another cloud of 'chocolate powder' gusting from his rear. Everyone, even Canada, New Brunswick and Newfoundland, complained about the terrible stench, trying the fan the stinky air away. "Phew-whee, Nova Scotia!" New Brunswick griped. "You just literally cut the cheese!" Manitoba, Ontario and Quebec guffawed nastily at her little pun, and she growled angrily again, slapping her face with her open palm. Nova Scotia went to sit back down, and everyone else cheered his name over and over again, clapping their hands together for each syllable of his name. Nova Scotia took another bite out of his Edam cheese, making sure to steer clear of the venomous red rind, then he lifted himself slightly off the floor and broke wind at quite a deep pitch again, with yet another cloud of 'cocoa dust' blasting from his derriere. Everyone else complained about the appalling reek, trying to wave away the stinking air. "Sorry about all that," Nova Scotia apologized to the audience, nodding seriously, then he went back into position.
"Alright, now it's…" Canada proclaimed, looking through his sack of surprises, taking out a fish pie baking kit. "Newfoundland!" Everyone cheered and clapped for Newfoundland as he got up and went over to Canada to retrieve his surprise. "Look, Newfoundland," Newfoundland Sr. told Newfoundland Jr., showing him the box. "All the fish we catch on a certain day, we can cook them all into this tasty pie for everyone to have for supper." "Bay, bay, bay!" Newfoundland Jr. enthused, clapping his hands together joyfully. "Bay, bay, bay, bay, bay!" Newfoundland Sr. smiled at him blissfully, but then Newfoundland Jr. urinated in his pants, creating a horrible ammonia odour in the air. Newfoundland Sr. picked up the ammonia stink in the air, and he reacted in disgust. So did everyone else when they picked up the awful smell. "Ooh, Newfoundland," Newfoundland Sr. laughed rather seriously, trying to wave away the stinky air. "I better change you, boy." He took Newfoundland Jr. upstairs to the bathroom to change him. Everyone else cheered Newfoundland's name repetitively, clapping their hands together syllabically.
"Okay, now it's…" Canada announced, rummaging around in his sack of surprises, pulling out a jar of fresh Charlottetown oysters. "Prince Edward Island!" Everyone cheered and clapped for Prince Edward Island as she got up and reclaimed her surprise gift from Canada. "Oh, wow!" she exclaimed, looking at all the oysters inside. "When we have a formal dinner party, these could be served as little appetizers." Everyone else cheered Prince Edward Island's name repeatedly as she went to sit back down, clapping their hands together for each syllable her name had.
Canada looked inside his sack of surprises for the final time. "And last, but not least…" he announced proudly, rummaging around in his sack of surprises, retrieving three plush toys of three Arctic animals – a moose, an Arctic wolf and a musk ox. "Yukon, Northwest Territories and Nunavut!" Everyone cheered and clapped for the territories as they went up to Canada and reclaiming their surprise gifts from him. They all admired their little plush dolls, touching and stroking the smooth, thick fabric and hugging them lovingly. Everyone else cheered their names over and over as they all sat back down, clapping their hands together for each syllable of their names.
Canada put his empty sack of surprises aside. "Well, that's it for all my provinces and territories!" he smiled merrily. "They've all got their surprises. America, you've got all your states' surprises in your sack of surprises now, haven't you?" America got up from his chair, carrying his own sack of surprises. "I sure do!" he replied gladly. All of America's state kids cheered with great elation. They were all really looking forward to seeing what THEIR surprises were!
Canada got up from the sofa and sat down on the chair where America was sitting on before. America sat down on the sofa, with his sack of surprises beside him, just like Canada had done before him, and he got on with giving all his state kids their own surprises.
Just like Canada had gone from west to east with his provinces and territories, so did America with his states. And just like Canada's province and territory kids, America's state kids got all kinds of wonderful surprises. For example, Utah got a piece of the Monument Valley rocks. Illinois got a snow-globe with the Chicago skyline inside. Texas got a big bag filled with packets of spicy dried beef jerky (just like Alberta's, but Alberta's was dried ginger beef, not spicy dried beef jerky like Texas'). Vermont got some tubs of Ben & Jerry's ice cream in different flavours. Maine got some fresh lobsters (making Nova Scotia want to lash out at him again, but New Brunswick stopped him from doing so…), and Florida got some alligator-skin sandals. Every time one of America's state kids went up to retrieve their surprises, everyone else would cheer and clap for them, and then cheer their names over and over when they went to sit back down, clapping their hands together for each syllable their name had. Some people didn't clap or cheer when a certain state went up, like when it was Maine's turn. Nova Scotia wanted to release his anger onto him again, because he thought that Maine's lobsters were actually his own, but New Brunswick prevented him from hurting Maine even more. Maine had already had a close brush with death, and he had miraculously survived it – why should he have another one?
This went on for a good hour or so. Once America had given all his state kids their surprises, they all sat around blissfully around the TV to watch the festive movie. Canada prepared macaroni cheese for all his province and territory kids, grating some of Nova Scotia's Edam cheese over his, and America prepared that quintessential American staple for all his state kids – hamburgers and fries. Everyone sat (or laid down on their stomachs) around the TV and began to watch the movie, eating their food with fantastic gusto. After they'd eaten both their macaroni cheese and hamburgers and fries, they had some of the desserts left over from Christmas dinner, such as chocolate mousse and bakeapple pie, together with some of the mince pies. Occasionally, Nova Scotia would fart loudly, big clouds of varying shades of brown gusting from his rump. Everyone else, especially New Brunswick and Newfoundland since they were the nearest to him, would complain about the awful stink, and try to fan the reeking air aside. Nova Scotia would apologize each time he broke wind noisily, and everyone else would gladly (or rather sullenly) accept his apologies, then they would continue watching the movie. Manitoba, Ontario and Quebec would laugh out loud at even the slightest funny thing on TV, and everyone else would tell them to be quiet. They would moan loudly, their arms drooping by their sides. The fireplace and the Christmas tree lights were both on, giving the entire living room a cosy, family-friendly atmosphere.
Canada and his whole family were preparing themselves to go to sleep. It had been quite a long and rather eventful Christmas Day. America and his state kids were going to stay over for the night, so America had set up all his state kids' sleeping bags on the floor. He had set up his own sleeping bag too.
Nova Scotia was munching on a mince pie left over from Christmas dinner. New Brunswick bent over her bed to unravel her duvet. So did Nova Scotia. As he bent down to unroll his duvet, he farted very noisily in New Brunswick's face, a wood-brown sulphur cloud billowing all over her. "Ugh!" New Brunswick grumbled, trying to fan the stinky air aside. Nova Scotia turned around to look at her. "Sorry," he apologized, smiling rather seriously. New Brunswick accepted his apologies rather huffily.
Nova Scotia slid himself into his bed. He lifted himself slightly off his bed and broke wind loudly again, a dark brown cloud of sulphur gas gusting from his backside. New Brunswick griped about the awful stink once more, trying to wave the reeking air away. "Sorry," Nova Scotia apologized again, looking a little more serious now. New Brunswick accepted his apology rather crossly.
Nova Scotia pulled his duvet over himself and lay down sideways on his bed, resting his head on his soft, thick, supple pillow. "Oh, I've got so much gas," he moaned softly, looking serious. He discharged a stinky blast, a chocolate-brown cloud of sulphur gas blustering from his behind, making his duvet fly up in the air for a short time, then it landed back down on him. New Brunswick smiled sweetly at Nova Scotia. She climbed onto his bed, and he sat up, looking serious at her. "Phew-whee, Nova Scotia," New Brunswick tweeted beautifully, but rather distastefully, to him, as Nova Scotia farted at quite a deep pitch, a disgusting mud-brown cloud of 'chocolate dust' blowing from his rear. "You really stink." She held her nose and tried to fan the stinking air aside. "Mmm-hmm," Nova Scotia agreed seriously, nodding his head solemnly. He let loose a slightly quiet gas detonation, a burnt-umber cloud of 'cocoa powder' emanating from his derriere. "I'm a 'fart factory'. That's what I am." And just to prove that, Nova Scotia passed gas quite loudly, an almost-black cloud of 'cocoa dust' gusting from his rump. "Oh, Nova Scotia," New Brunswick cooed melodiously, coming closer to Nova Scotia. "You know what that makes you? Nova Scotia… you're my gassy little ginger." She embraced him so tenderly, while Nova Scotia chuckled rather sombrely. He cut the cheese once more, a black cloud of sulphur gas blasting from his posterior. New Brunswick laughed rather disgustedly, holding her nose and trying to fan the reeking air aside again. Nova Scotia laughed rather seriously too, and he lay back down on his bed, pulling his duvet back over himself. New Brunswick went back to her bed as well, pulling her duvet back over herself. Nova Scotia let another one rip, a wood-brown cloud of 'chocolate powder' emanating from his backside, making his duvet hover in the air briefly. It then came back down on him. New Brunswick recoiled in repulsion, holding her nose, trying to wave the stinky air away. "Sorry about that," Nova Scotia apologized, smiling seriously, nodding his head solemnly. New Brunswick happily accepted his apologies.
New Hampshire, who was sleeping just beside Maine on the floor, had the pot of cream by his side. He scooped up a handful of the thick cream and smeared it all over Maine's badly-injured face, the cream squelching and squishing as he spread it all over, covering the whole area of his broken face. Maine felt that cold, creamy, greasy feeling on his badly-damaged face for the third time that day. He smiled sweetly at New Hampshire. "Maine," New Hampshire beamed brightly at him. "Christmas is the time for miracles, isn't it?" Maine asked. "It sure is," New Hampshire agreed, nodding his head. "And I'm one of them," Maine smiled pleasantly. "I really thought I was going to die when Nova Scotia pushed me down the stairs and I lost my consciousness. But Canada was such a hero. He saved my life." "It really is a Christmas miracle," said New Hampshire, smiling beautifully. Maine agreed, nodding his head, saying, "Uh-huh." "This Christmas'll be remembered for many more Christmases to come," he added. "And it's all thanks to me surviving what could have been a fatal accident, had it not been for Canada knowing his CPR. It could have been my last Christmas if he didn't." America felt his tears coming again. "Aw, Maine," New Hampshire crooned thoughtfully at Maine. "Don't say that. You're making Dad cry again." "Oh," Maine murmured softly. He smiled regretfully at America, and he blinked back his tears, smiling back at him. Maine lay sideways down on the floor, his head resting on his soft, thick, stretchy pillow. New Hampshire smiled at him. "Oh, Maine," he cooed so gently to him, touching and stroking his hair with so much care. "Maine, Maine, Maine." "Miracle Maine!" Vermont called Maine amusingly, laughing good-naturedly. "Great moniker, huh?" New York asked, smiling. "Yeah!" Connecticut agreed. "Of course it is," America beamed blissfully. All his other state kids agreed too, and they all laughed joyfully in unity.
Canada reached out to turn off his bedside lamp, and got into his bed, pulling his soft, thick, comfy duvet over himself. "Goodnight, everyone," he said. "Goodnight," all his province and territory kids replied. "Merry Christmas." They all instantly went to sleep too. "Goodnight," said his roommates. "Goodnight, kids," America said to all his state kids. "'Night, Dad," replied all his state kids (Maine included!). "And happy holidays." After everyone had said "Goodnight", they all went to sleep immediately. Everyone slept through the night in peace. Nova Scotia broke wind all night at various lengths, pitches and volumes, making his duvet hover up in the air briefly, then float back down on him immediately afterwards. The room stank of wind-breaking, caused by the finest-quality lobster, blessed with extra juice, meat and flavour, Brussels sprouts and mince pies. However, neither he himself, nor New Brunswick, nor Newfoundland, nor anyone else could hear, or smell the awful stench, because all their senses had shut down for the night. Canada and his family had all had a wonderful, if rather hectic, Christmas Day. Who knows what their Boxing Day would be like – or even New Year's Eve, or New Year's Day?
THE END!