A/N: Hey guys! Well, long story short, I worked really, really hard on this, and even if you think it is crappy, please, please tell me what you think. Let me thank my friend, Jenn, who helped me a TON on this- I love ya, girlie! R&R!!!
"Daniel, stop it!" Jack cried as the two walked to the Stargate. Daniel paused mid-stride and looked at the Colonel. They hadn't been arguing, merely discussing some recently found technology they had found while off world. Daniel had just finished saying how it could be a weapon to help against the Goa'uld when Jack had his outburst.
"What did I do?" the archaeologist asked, confused. He stopped and faced the Colonel, who had also paused in their trek. Jack didn't say a word as he searched his young friend's face, then looked directly into his eyes, as if trying to bore into the man's very soul. Daniel squirmed a bit at the scrutiny, but said nothing. Finally, Jack shook his head, gave Daniel a strange look, then continued. Baffled, Daniel followed.
"Jack, what's wrong?"
"We need to talk, Daniel." Jack answered cryptically.
"Well, that's a first! You wanting to talk to me." Daniel joked, receiving a forced grin in return for his efforts.
"My house, tonight. Bring beer." Jack said, firmly ending the conversation for the moment. Daniel just shrugged and they continued on it silence, each lost in his own thoughts.
Later on, after the debriefing and post-mission exam, Daniel went to Jack's house. The older man had left a good half-hour before Daniel, having been the first in for physicals. Doing as told, Daniel arrived at the house with the requested beer. Jack answered and greeted the younger man with a silent, but serious nod. As Daniel went to the kitchen, Jack went back to the living room.
Daniel took a moment while putting the beer away to try to figure out what was wrong with his Commanding Officer. He couldn't think of anything he had done or said the warrant this kind of reaction. Grabbing two beers, he slowly made his way to the living room. Handing one to Jack, he settled himself on the sofa across from the older man and waited. Just as he had back on the planet, Jack studied Daniel closely. The archaeologist sat as still as possible, now knowing how the artifacts he studied so carefully felt.
"Jack, what's wrong?" Daniel asked, repeating his question from earlier. Jack sighed, trying to figure out just how to put this.
"Daniel, I..." but he stopped. He abruptly stood and walked to the fireplace, facing away from his friend. It was Daniel's turn to study the Colonel, attempting to get a clue as to what was bothering him.
"Jack?" he questioned softly. Suddenly, Jack turned back around to face him, his eye flashing in anger.
"Dammit, Daniel! Why did you have to change?" Jack cried out, causing Daniel to jump.
"Change? What are you talking about?" Daniel asked in reply, completely dumbfounded by Jack's second outburst of the day. Jack took a deep breath, calming his anger.
"You're a soldier now, Daniel." Jack spoke sadly as if it was the revelation of a lifetime. Daniel just nodded in confused agreement.
"Yes, Jack. I have you to thank for that." He spoke honestly, still unsure of his friend's train of thought. He breath caught in his throat at the look of hurt in Jack's eyes. "This is what you wanted- less scientist, more soldier."
"Not like this." Jack spoke so softly, Daniel almost missed the words. "Not less of who you are, Daniel."
"What do you mean? I'm still me." Daniel said, but Jack just shook his head.
"No, Daniel. Don't you get it? You aren't who you used to be. You've...lost who you were before because you became a soldier." Jack spat the word like a curse.
"Jack, I don't understand."
"Daniel, it always happens to soldiers. We all lose a piece of who we are, who we were. And that includes you." Jack said, desperate to explain.
"Jack, what have I lost?" Daniel asked, just as desperate to understand. Again, the older man turned away, now barely profile to his young teammate.
"You lost you innocence. That wonder, that...that passion you had before." Jack paused for a moment before continuing. "I never thought you would lose that, Daniel, but you did, and...I guess I miss it. And, I don't like it. I just wish you could go back like you were." Jack finished on a sigh. Daniel took in what he was hearing, understanding part of what was bothering his friend, letting it turn over in his mind for a moment. Finally, he leaned forward, elbows on knees, and caught Jack's gaze before speaking.
"Listen to me, Jack," Daniel spoke soft and calm, "I'm not sure what brought this on, nor do I care. I want you to know, though, that I am still the same person I was before. Yes, I have changed a bit, but you can't really expect me not to have. We've gone through a lot of things, you know that. Anyone would be changed after all that we have gone through. I can't help that and neither can you. It's just what happens."
"Not to you, Daniel!" Jack argued vehemently, his anger suddenly springing back to life. Daniel became angry, too.
"So, what do you want me to do, Jack? Do you want me off the team?" Daniel asked heatedly.
"No! Of course not!" Jack answered, appalled at the idea.
"Then what? Do you want me to change who I am? Go back to how I was? Doing stupid stuff and getting killed all the time? I can't do that, Jack, and you know it." Daniel said, standing to face the Colonel.
"I know." Jack replied, voice deflated, head hung low now.
"Then what?! You tell me what to do so you aren't pissed at me anymore, and I'll do it." Daniel bargained, still angry. Jack's eyes and head snapped up.
"No, Daniel. God, I'm not mad at you. This wasn't your fault. I did this to you, I'm to thank for this." Jack insisted. Daniel calmed immediately upon hearing the self-loathing in Jack's words.
"Then why are you mad, Jack? What brought all of this on? Why now?" Daniel asked, pleading for a straight answer.
"Today on the mission, we found that piece of technology." Jack started, watching Daniel nod slowly. "Do you remember what the first thing you said was? The very first thing? 'Maybe it's a weapon'" Jack repeated Daniel's earlier words.
"So? That's what we are out to find isn't it?"
"Yes, No! That is our standing orders, yes, but you're missing my point. It just proves that you're a soldier now, Daniel."
"What's so wrong with me becoming a bit of a soldier?" Daniel asked, exasperated and frustrated at this increasingly confusing conversation.
"Everything is wrong with it, Daniel!" Jack growled.
"Jack, last I checked, you are a soldier." Daniel pointed out.
"Exactly why I know you shouldn't do this, that you need to stop now. Stop before you completely lose who you are, before the nightmares take you over, before you cant sleep at night without needing a few drinks, before the slightest small of road-kill makes you puke your guts out. STOP BEFORE YOU BECOME ME!" Jack shouted, then blinked, realizing what he had said. Daniel stared back for a moment in shock, then closed his eyes and lowered his head. Jack watched his friend closely, thinking about how Daniel was now. How he barely slept anymore, how he had started to lose weight from not eating, how he jumped so violently at night if touched. It was then Jack realized the truth. He could feel it coil tight in his chest and felt his stomach turn to ice. His next words came out as a harsh whisper.
"It's too late."
Daniel just nodded.