Summary: "Huh..." She suddenly said, nodding in agreement. "The guys are right..." She shook her head, laughing. "Edward does have a fly ride."
Warnings: Well, stupidity and crack, but, mostly towards the end, pure OOC-ness of Eddy. :/ Sue me. I like a retarded, childish Eddy. :P
A/N: Okay, so... on New Year's Eve my cousin and I met up, we started to talk about random crap with our other little cousins, when, out of the blue, we start talking about Twilight. So, I'm like, "Wha...?" when my cousin suddenly starts cracking up. He tells me his little idea for a one-shot, and, I, too, ended up cracking my ass off too. Which suddenly gave me the inspiration to write this little crack of a one-shot. XD But, mind you, I don't like Edward or Bella much, but I like them enough to write a crack fic about 'em. :D
...Anyways, hope you enjoy! :)
Edward's Fly Ride
By: KrzyKid247
Original idea by: My awesome asshole of a cousin, Chris (Haha, j/k, dude! J/k! :D Love ya!)
The feel of wind on Edward's hair was pleasant. The purr of his Volvo... electrifying. The sudden thump his heart gave when he pressed on the gas pedal, urging it to speed up... well, okay, if his heart was functioning, then, hell, his heart would be racing as of now. His eyebrows pulled together as he eased the pedal slowly... the Volvo roared in delight.
He chuckled softly. He adored the sound of it. He gripped onto the steering wheel tightly, for he feared that if he were any more indulged in the sweetness of his Volvo, then, sure enough, he would crash. And he didn't want that.
No, no, no. He really did not want that.
"I'd never hurt you, baby, never..." He purred, rubbing the steering wheel appreciatively, smiling softly. "No, not a chance in hell would I ever hurt you..."
And, at his utter distraction, he swerved slightly, causing a bystander -- wide-eyed by the Volvo, obviously -- to jump at his sudden action. Edward flinched, hoping for an impact...
But nothing happened.
He checked the rearview mirror, and, sure enough, the bystander was fine -- flipping the bird, of course -- but fine, nonetheless. He chuckled nervously and let out a whoosh of breath.
"Missed him by an inch..." He shook his head. "Gotta be more careful next time..." He gripped the steering wheel again, still shaking his head. "Stupid friggin' idiot."
And, once more, he felt the breeze of wind passing through his hair, the electrifying purring of his Volvo, and the sudden thump -- again, if it was actually functioning! -- his heart gave as he pressed the gas pedal experimentally once more. And the roaring of his Volvo --
Cut short.
"What the...?" Edward muttered, pressing the gas pedal repeatedly.
Nothing happened.
He pressed it again -- harder this time -- growling.
And, again, nothing happened.
"Damn it!" He slammed his head on the steering wheel. "No gas..." He whined.
"Uh, Edward...?" Bella's tinkling voice called out to him, making him grumble in reponse.
"What...?" He hissed, although, his voice sounding somewhat whiny.
There was a brief awkward moment of silence, and, to this, Edward looked up, only to be stunned by the whole Cullen family -- including Jacob who held Renesmee, staring at him peculiarly, but still... teasing, somehow -- staring at him oddly.
"What... are you doing?" She hissed, obviously talking about the Volvo.
Edward frowned. What was she talking about? He was in his Volvo... right? I mean, obviously, that wasn't a peculiar sight in his eyes. Or to others. He shook his head, shrugging. He couldn't understand what in the world she was implying...
"What are you talking about, Bella?" He looked at the inside of his car, hoping to find some kind of flaw, but there seemed to be nothing. He stared back at her strangely. "I'm riding in my Volvo. What does it look like I'm doing?"
She winced, taking in the Volvo, hissing through her teeth quietly. Jacob suddenly laughed and Renesmee joined in as well, making Edward blink at him in confusion.
"Now that is what I'd like to call a fly ride, Bells!" He exclaimed, chortling. "I mean, check out the wheels on this thing!" He crouched on the ground, pointing to the beautifully colored wheels. Renesmee giggled.
"I'll have to agree with Wolfy on this one, Bella." Emmett suddenly said, laughing.
And this only confused Edward even more. Why were they laughing at his Volvo?! It was beautiful, no? I mean, it had flare, style, and, uh... well, it was just friggin' awesome! That was all he had right now. Not much occurred to him since they were laughing at the beauty of his car. He shook his head, glaring at the boys. The audacity of some people...
"Shut it, Jake. You, too, Emmett!" Bella hissed. Then she turned back to her confused husband. "Um, Edward... do you know exactly where you are?"
He nodded vigorously.
"Didn't I just say I was riding my Volvo?"
She looked uncomfortable.
"Technically, you did, but, really..." She clenched her teeth. "Well, you're not." She sucked in a breath, suddenly shaking her head, smiling. "You're at Peter Piper Pizza." She paused. "Riding a children's car." Another pause. "At Peter Piper Pizza."
At this source of information, Edward blinked once.
Twice.
Thrice.
Four times.
...It seemed to be an eternity before he finally grasped the idea of where he was.
Today is Renesmee's birthday... He reasoned, frowning as he stared down at the floor. That's why we came to Peter Piper Pizza... He scowled. Hmm. After that... I don't remember anything else...
"Yeah..." Alice giggled. Edward looked up. "When you came in, your face lit up like Hitler's dream suddenly came to reality... then you ran off screaming something about riding a car... and, well..." Her voice trailed off as she pointed at his 'Volvo,' then she giggled some more. "Yeah..." She said again.
She had no reason to laugh at his 'Volvo'... Okay, maybe she did, but, honestly, she had to have a bit of sensitivity towards the car.
"...Oh." He said quietly, then stepped out of his 'Volvo,' finally observing what he was actually in. And, true enough -- yep, yep, it was true -- it was a children's car. A pink one, as a matter of fact. With daises on it. "Well..." He scoffed silently. "Some people just don't know how to style a car..." He shook his head, clicking his teeth in annoyance. "I swear, the friggin' idiots who came up with the idea of a children's car with daises on it -- they have no fashion sense."
"And you do?" Emmett barked out, snickering.
Edward glared.
"Shut it." He stared at the 'Volvo'briefly, tilting his head to the side. "And, Jacob... you're right." Jacob 'hmm'ed in response. "It is a fly ride."
Jacob snorted.
"Oh, hell yeah, it is!" He laughed, shaking his head.
Edward joined in, then, immediately, it cut short.
To this, Bella raised an eyebrow.
"Edward...?"
"...I wanna... I wanna ride it again!" He jumped in the car, grinning. "Do you have quarters, Bella?!"
Bella was taken back by his sudden behavior.
"W-What...?!"
"Quarters! Do you have quarters?!" His eager hands stretched out towards her, palms facing upward as he awaited the clinking sound of change... but the sound did not reach his ears. He frowned. "Bella...!" He whined. "I need quarters!" He pointed to the car vigorously. "I wanna ride it again!"
"No! Edward, I... I don't have quarters!" She looked over at the Cullens for help, but they seemed to be busy laughing at the time to notice Bella's anxiousness of her husband's sudden ADHD of behavior. She suddenly seeked help from Jacob, but -- damn, he was no help! -- he, too, was laughing at the outrageous scene. She hissed. If and when they needed help -- ooh, did Bella's blood boil! -- she would not blink an eye towards them when they would need of her help.
Nope, she assured herself, I will not help them. I'll make entire sure of that.
"Quarters, Belly!" Childish, anxious Edward screeched. "I need quarters! I need them!"
And just when Bella was about to go on an all out rampage of Reptar-like behavior...
"Here, Dad!" Renesmee's high soprano voice came to Bella's safety, and the sound of beautiful, clinking change made the suddenly ravenous state of the vampire to cease. She sighed in relief.
"Thank --"
But her 'thanks' towards her daughter went unheard as Edward cheered.
"All right! Quarters!" The sound of change filling the slot of the ride reached Bella's ears. Then music started. Edward cheered once again, 'vroom-ing' and 'brr-ing' as the ride played out. And she sighed once again.
She shook her head, laughing quite nervously as she took Renesmee into her arms. Then she looked back at her childish husband. And tilted her head to the side.
"Huh..." She suddenly said, nodding in agreement. "The guys are right..." She shook her head, laughing. "Edward does have a fly ride."
A/N: Yeah, see that? Pure crack, man. Aaaaaaaand a seriously, pointless attempt at humor. XD I know, I know... stupid, and, hell, maybe not funny at all. I realize that. Lol. But, really, I needed something funny and distracting to keep me from being depressed, all right? So, give me a break. :)
...By the way, for those of you who are waiting for TFDATH, don't worry. It'll be out soon. In Naruto's P.O.V., so just wait. All right? :)
But, please, review on this stupid one-shot of crap. :D Thank you and good-bye! :3
- With much, much adored love, KK247 -