Favourite Mistake
Chapter 1
Staring Back At Me
So I'll run, I'll hide, I'll start again with a brand new name, but is this enough to save him the hurt? Not by far a part of me screamed, but the rest of me was pleading with every molecule that it was. I wanted it to be so, wanted for myself to actually be able to believe this could be so, but there was a nagging sensation. I guess most called it common sense. This body was so polite, so innocent that even before she was taken over she'd never been faced with a decision like this. A decision that could ultimately make or break the rest of someone's life. Of someone's life she cared about. Whether his life was long or short in perspective, if I did him wrong now it was something I'd live lifetimes feeling the guilt of.
The pain cut so deep though, I wasn't sure if what I was contemplating would even be possible. The challenges of love we'd endured already were monumental, now was I going to undo this? I'd once told him that no matter what form I took that I'd always love him, that he'd be the only one for me and it couldn't be more true, but this just made the choice all the harder. All the time I'd spent with him had seemed like the shortest but fullest life I'd spent. Nothing had been more fulfilling and more shaping in my life than meeting the love of my lives, but it'd never occurred to me that he may have loved before me. The idea seemed impossible ... But it was true.
It seemed like a surreal mess when the day came, like I was a thief, that Ian had never really been mine. I never for a moment doubted the love Ian had for me, it had came like nothing I'd ever experience when I realised that it was love, that this gentle creature I'd once believed to be a monster loved me. Me, whom he'd been taught was a danger and not worthy of life. Which was why when Grace turned up I felt wrong. Our love seemed forbidden but before the caves when Ian belonged to Grace it was natural, it was love. It shouldn't have ended. My kind tore them apart which just made my guilt mound.
I knew how I'd feel about her if I was still bound to Mel. I'd dislike her; I'd hate her if possible. All the rage and resentment would be there that she got a life with Ian. A normal life. That she had more claim over his love than I did, but mostly because her being here, her presence in Ian's life again made me question whether I was enough for him. Whether the love I have for him is enough to keep him satisfied or whether he needs to seek it with someone else. Someone he has a past with. Grace.
The sound of tears hitting the loose sand below was quiet but echoed in the empty room. I hadn't noticed that the low golden beams that shied their way through the cracks in the cave roof had receded to the point of non existence. They were replaced now by a dim grey light cast by weak stars above. I could barely see the ground, but I knew my way around night or day so the suns beams were hardly needed. I had no idea how long I'd been here but from the moons position I'm guessing it was early evening. Around time food would be served.
I was thankful that Mel and Jamie understood I wanted to be alone. It was obvious to them both that I had a lot to think about and they helped keep away unwanted visitations. Jeb had tried to pull me out of chore rotation to give me time to think but it was the last thing I needed, I needed to keep my mind occupied because every time I reminded myself that Ian was out on raid my heart tore to pieces with worry and the pain of separation. The distress I felt any time he left was excruciating. It felt as though my body was a lead weight, but where my heart should be was hollow. I couldn't find what was keeping me alive because it wasn't mine. It was Ian's and when he left he took my heart leaving me incapable to breathe without him. To function or feel whole without him. He took the weight off me, carried me like a feather in only the way he could, but remembering that he was on a raid with Grace was the knife in the side. She belonged to Burns clan, met a few days ago before the raid, I was saying my goodbyes to Ian and the rest was a blur. He noticed her, she noticed him, I'm not quite sure but Kyle put it simply for me.
It was probably impossible that they wouldn't have a connection again, re-spark their flame. They were both survivors, both strong willed and independent. Both knew the joys and the wonders of each other's love. How could he leave though? He must've seen how much I was worried, was scared for us. Ian knew me better than I knew myself ... But he didn't notice, because he was distracted by her and how could he not be? She was gorgeous. Well maintained jet black hair, vivid emerald eyes and golden kissed skin. She was taller than me, but not as tall as Ian. It killed but I had to admit they looked the couple. Contrasting in every feature but drawn as one by their deep dark hair, their godly looks. By their love.
It wasn't until I could hear a fast paced pair of feet echo down the hall that I remember that this world didn't consist of only Ian, Grace and me. There was a whole gathering held together by the walls of these caves and right now it was likely Jamie was on his way down to settle for the night. Though he understood my need for lonesome he couldn't bring himself to allow me to sleep alone. He said to fight away terrors such as Kyle mistaking me for food in a sleep walking state, but I knew it was because he wanted me to see him; as a reminder that there is more love for me down here than just Ian's.
I was still unsure just why this host had the compulsion not to be seen crying, but it felt like a deep shame and weakness if it was. Instinct had me recoiling into the mattress, curled on my side away from entrance shielding me in consisting of two heavy doors.
The footsteps were dimming in pace and rested to a stop outside the doors. It wasn't hard making my breaths deep enough to pass of that of an unconscious state, so stifling my cries and letting the tears fall silently, I imitated a sleeping state as Jamie gently placed the doors back into place oh so quietly hoping not to wake me.
It was un-nerving but it felt as though a pair of pleading eyes were burning into my back for a long time. I'd heard Jamie settle on his mattress he'd dragged in next to mine but one snore was yet to be. I wasn't sure if Jamie knew the truth that I wasn't sleeping, that I was playing his as a fool as he'd feel, but right now I hadn't the heart to be worried about that.