Disclaimer: Don't own it.
Little thing I found while searching on then tweaked. Shine on you crazy plot bunnies.
UPDATE: have changed the ending.
Severus Snape was not a happy man.
Indeed, Severus Snape was mostly never happy, and if he was happy, you knew that something strange and disturbing was occurring and you should probably be as far away from the vicinity as possible.
But at the moment, Severus Snape was not happy, and was quite willing to take it out on any imbecile that decided to cross his path at this point in time.
Oh yes, he was absolutely seething.
And he was going to do something about it.
Earlier that morning, Dumbledore's super secret hideout/office
The door opened warily, Snape prowling slowly inside. Dumbledore slouched in his chair, feet on desk, while reading some sort of Muggle magazine called Playboy.
"Ahem," Snape coughed.
Dumbledore, who was now holding the magazine sideways, jumped a bit, then span round in his chair, coming round with Magical Wishes and Red Shoes by Izzard Oz. The magazine was hastily stuck behind some pages.
"Ah Severus, my boy, what brings you here?"
Snape coughed again. "You sent for me, Albus."
Dumbledore looked blank, then a look of realisation hit him.
"Ah yes, I did."
Snape waited a bit, then, when it was obvious he wasn't continuing, asked, "Why did you call me?"
Dumbledore put on his best face of grave sadness, "It has come to my attention that most students do not know about the wonders of life. More specifically," and here was especially dramatic, "Procreation."
Snape stared, and then pinched himself, quite sure of what was to come.
Dumbledore continued, "Last night, Minerva came across two students in a broom closet-"
Snape was pinching himself more rapidly.
"- And, strangely, they hadn't engaged in acts of questionable morals yet. In fact, one of them was even telling the other "they were doing it wrong". When asked, they said that neither were really sure-"
Snape was now slapping himself across the face.
"- How one was meant to proceed with said acts of questionable morals. Indeed, the male said that he was told by his colleagues that certain unmentionable parts of a female had teeth!"
Snape was now actively punching himself in the head.
"-Well, Minerva was appalled at this lack of knowledge, and after a few quick pointers to the students, rushed to tell me of this plight-"
The wall was cracking slightly from the force of Snape's head.
"-And now, I have set up a lesson to inform these children of the wonders of reproduction, which you will teach."
Snape had now stopped believing that this was just a horribly realistic and torturous nightmare, and the office quieted down from the lack of a rhythmic thumping.
"I hope you are up for this, Severus?"
Time for the power of logical argument.
"Isn't there someone else who can do this?" Snape whined. Or the closest to whining he could get as Severus Snape. It was a sort of angry hiss.
Dumbledore twinkled. "You were recommended by most of the teachers as having the most in depth knowledge about these sort of affairs."
Any argument Snape came up with against that would probably indicate he was a virgin or something as equally depressing.
Dumbledore checked his watch (purple sparkles and all) and gasped, "I should be doing the morning announcements now. You may return to your dungeons now, Severus. I suspect you have some lesson plans to attend to."
Snape stood up slowly, then, seeing as Dumbledore wasn't going to pull something out on him again, vanished through the door.
Once Snape's cursing couldn't be heard anymore, Dumbledore patiently took out his magazine again, and started examining the centrefold.
Once the magazine came down, Harry Potter stood up, stretched to remove the feeling Polyjuice Potion had on ones physique, and grinned.
The Great Hall, dinnertime.
"It is with great sadness, and partial giddiness, I tell you, that our esteemed Potions Professor Severus Snape, has decided to tender his resignation so he may leave Hogwarts and join a band of merrymaking pixies sailing the seas for treasure and money and hookers. That are gay."
The entire Hall was silent, except for the sound of Ron Weasley vacuuming the chicken into his mouth.
The collective students pinched themselves as one. The teachers were shell-shocked.
"Indeed, he was a great teacher who inspired us all to become crying lumps of wussiness, and held the record for most points ever taken and least given simultaneously. May his leaving bring us all that childhood joy that he viciously took from us and ripped into little shreds."
Most of the school was cheering loudly, while the Slytherins were crying now that no one would shield them from the common sense and justice of the world.
"Now, onto better news. With the leaving of our Potions teacher, we will be hiring a team of bikini-clad-"
At this point Dumbledore was being pulled by the ear outside by Professor McGonagall, while the students had started a party.
In a shadow
Hermione Granger had just pulled Harry into a corner to viciously question him. Well, as viciously as one can when in a dark corner with a member of the opposite sex.
"Harry, what did you do to him?"
"Do to who, Hermione?"
Damn, why was he so adorable.
"To Dumbledore!"
"What about Dumbledore?"
Focus.
"You did something, Harry. The only words from Dumbledore about Snape are usually poorly maintained excuses of his innocence and usefulness. He wouldn't let Snape go that easily."
"Really?"
Focus.
"Yes, really."
"Well, maybe I did."
Yes, pay dirt! Dirt-y thoughts, dirty, dirty-Focus!
"But really, Hermione, can you honestly say that anyone actually liked Snape being here? The Slytherins don't count 'cause they were completely biased."
"Harry! You can't decide whether a teacher should be fired just because you don't like him! That's why we have a democracy!
"Hermione, you can ask all four houses, and a majority of them will honestly say he was a vicious monster and that they're happy he's gone. You can't argue with that."
Hermione couldn't argue with that. Harry was, technically, right.
Wonder Herb! The loss of Severus Snape by Effersent Bolderun
In this article, we detail a shocking turn of events. Yesterday afternoon, Albus Dumbledore stated that Potions Master, Severus Snape, would not be returning to Hogwarts again. The Headmaster was immediately checked for any sort of acuity or intelligence boosting substance, and was found to have imbibed a mysterious herb.
Research into this herb identifies it as a Muggle "hallucinogenic"(named "Marowana") which respected Unspeakables believe means it will sharpen intelligence and judgement of characters. Albus Dumbledore's actions have only cemented this belief into fact.
One Unspeakable, after imbibing this "marowana" described the feeling as "euphoric" and "awesome" and "whoa". He also stated that his hand was "totally awesome" then collapsed. From this evidence, we believe that the herb also allows the viewing of magic.
Hurray! Snape is gone, and Harry got happy time. I kinda rushed this out by the halfway point. But I'm only just fourteen. Review, Constructive criticism, Strippers, that sort of thing. Toodles!