It started on the subway and I don't know what we were in those underground seconds because you were in and out like a blinding flash of lightning and then suddenly Riley was on my lap and i was hers from then on.
But even as a joke, we belonged to each other for a few moments, and then you left me like you're leaving me now.
"We can still be friends" is what you said then and it's what you're saying to me now.
Could you see the future, Maya, back then?
Is that why you said "not really" back then and is that why you're trying really goddamn hard not to say it now? But you don't need to say it now because I know. I know we won't—we can't—be friends after this. I don't know how you can even entertain the idea because fuck you, I don't want to be friends with you. I never wanted to be your friend and I never want to be your friend.
My heart is not wired that way. Not for you and not ever.
I look at your sweet pink mouth trying to explain, trying to rationalise how we can still be friends and for once what you say means absolutely nothing to me, Maya, absolutely nothing because all I know is that you were never just my friend.
Because you were my 'girlfriend' for three seconds on the subway, and then you were my blonde beauty in secret, and then you were my girlfriend's best friend until she wasn't my girlfriend anymore, and then you were my short stack, and then you were my saviour, and then you were my girlfriend for real, my love, and then you were my everything and God, you still are my everything.
But now I look into your clear eyes; they are focused, blue, unblurry, final. They are knowing.
That's when I know I'm not yours, not your everything. Not anymore.