Disclaimer:
I don't own Zero nor Yuuki. Bahaaa! He wouldn't be mine no matter how I would LOVE that to happen. But err, he's already Hino's, so, I'm backing off. :p
This one's a drabble from chapter 46 of the Vampire Knight manga. So, if you haven't read until the said chapter, then I suggest you don't read this drabble if you don't want spoilers. :]
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The Perpetual Pain
A nightmare. He wished it was all a nightmare. He wished that it was all just a nightmare and any second he would wake from such unbearable nightmare, and realize that all is well. But no. The pain in his heart is just so great that he couldn't fool himself that everything is just one of his insufferable nightmares. This one's just exceptionally painful that he couldn't make himself believe that he would be able to wake from it; escape from it. As much as he didn't want to believe it, the reality of everything that was happening is all but staring at him, square. There was no escaping it. Though in his heart of hearts, he wished that this wasn't true. That he wasn't pointing his Bloody Rose to the very same person that he would risk everything for. He wished that he wasn't compelled to point the bloody gun at the very woman he least expected to be his enemy. He wished he didn't have the strength to force himself to point the gun at the only person that mattered to him in the entire world. He wished he didn't have the strength to display any intent of killing the very person that was the source of his very life. He wished, he wished, he wished. But all he could do is to wish, nothing more. No matter how much he wished, he can only wish, but the reality is rendering otherwise.
As he gazed at the woman before him, he all but wished to see hatred or fear in the eyes that stared unwaveringly back at him. But much to his horror and surprise, he only saw loneliness in those lovely, cinnamon eyes that never fail to promise eternity. He didn't understand it, he couldn't get it at all. How could she look as though she didn't want to lose him as well? How could she look so lonely at this time, almost conveying that she didn't want to be his enemy? How could she look as if she was in an equally unbearable pain? He couldn't even bear looking at her pained face. Her pain just added to the weight of his heavy heart. He couldn't take that much pain, and he could already feel himself breaking. He wished that someone would just grab his heart out of his chest to rid him of all his pain and shelter him to numbness.
He wished he could get himself to hate her, to make things easier. But as he tried, he would just end up hating himself more and more because he couldn't even entertain the idea of hating her. How could he ever hate her? How could he ever hate the girl who grabbed her from the bottom of the dark abyss where he forever thrived? How could he ever hate the only person that provided the glow in his seemingly impenetrable dark world? How could he ever hate the delicate girl that blinded him with light as she appeared in his pitch black, secluded, and lonely world? He couldn't find a way. No matter how he tried, he couldn't get himself to hate her. Even if the better of him was telling him that he had to, that it was how he should feel. It shouldn't be this hard hating her, right? After all, she is a pureblood. She's one of the very creatures that he loathes above all things. But still, no he couldn't do it.
She is a pureblood. All of his being was rejecting the very idea. He didn't want to believe it, but he did. He didn't have any choice but to believe when all the evidences of her being a pureblood were all stabbing his already shattered heart. He was afraid. He was afraid, not of Yuuki, but of himself. He was afraid that despite the fact that she is a pureblood, she would still continue to grasp his heart. That the chain she put on him would become even stronger. He was afraid that despite everything that happened, he would still want to devote his life to her. He knew he would do just that. And so, he had to stay away. Far, far away from her. And in staying away, he knew he would inflict pain on that very same girl that he had ever since shielded from any kind of pain. So, he had decided. He would make her hate him. If he couldn't make himself hate her, then perhaps, he could make her hate him.
But the longer they stood opposite each other, weighing each others' gazes, he realized that he couldn't make her hate him too. That was just like her. He hated to admit it, but he knew that Yuuki would never hate him. But how could he know? Is she even the same Yuuki he used to know? He wondered. He wanted to believe that she is different, but the other side of him is hoping that she is still the same. Why? He didn't even know how to answer his own question. In fact, he didn't know why the hope still lingered in his heart. How could he even dare to hope when there was no hope for him even from the start? But his stubborn, aching heart just wouldn't stop hoping, no matter how he told himself that there was no hope for him.
He wished he knew where he really stood in her life. But as much as he regrets it, he could never find the answer to that. He knew there were so many things he wanted to hear from her, and there were many things between them that were left not understood, untold. But he had already accepted the fact that he would never hear any of them. He intends to say goodbye. This was to be their parting. And despite how painful it was, he wished this were to be their last meeting for him to not fulfill the promise that he would soon give her. He knew he didn't want to do it once they meet again, so he wished and hoped that their paths would never cross again. Even if not seeing her ultimately kills him inside. That was better. That was better than even attempting to fulfill the promise that he was intending to give her. That is because the very idea of attempting to put an end to the life that provided him with a new life is far worse than ending his own life. And so, he wished that this was to be their final meeting. That was better, for the both of them. Even if it hurt beyond imaginations. He would do it. For her. And then deep in his heart, he wished she could find happiness despite everything. Real happiness. That way, he knew some weight in his heart would be lifted, even for a little, even if pain is etched in every inch of his heart. It was time to say goodbye.