Peeta...
I can see her light on, she's probably sitting awake in the bedroom. Neither of us sleep well, I see it in the mornings when we share breakfast, the glazed eyes and dark circles. I ache to go to her but I know it's not fair to push. Haymitch said I should let her come to me. He also said it am a fool if I think "that girl" never loved me as I love her. But did she? Could she? What about Gale? He had saved my life but part of me hated him. Hated him for his hold of the girl I loved, hated him for his part in the creation of bombs which took away the one thing Katniss loved most in the world. Prim.
Hate was a strong word though, maybe resented was a better choice.
Prim had come to talk to me sometimes in the hospital in district 3. She said she wanted to help.
"Help? Why would you want to help me, I tried to kill your sister?"
"I want to help bring you back to her, she's so broken. She misses you."
For someone so young, she had an awful lot of insight. Maybe that happens when you lose a parent and your mother is absent. You make up for it in other ways to continue existing. What happens when you lose your whole family? I'm still figuring that out.
So we'd talk, about Katniss and her life before the games. Before I gave her the bread. Sometimes I'd ask questions and Prim gave me answers that conflicted with the images projected in my mind. Katniss ordering the bombings on District 12, Katniss ensuring I was tortured in the Capitol, kissing Gale, choosing Gale...
"Do you still want to hurt her?" Prim asked me one morning.
"Yes...no, I don't know. I'm so confused. I have all these memories of her killing the people I loved, leaving me to die, that she never cared about me, it was all a game and when I think of my family it hurts so much I want to tear her apart." I answered truthfully, too truthful.
Prim looked at me sadly. "Katniss loved our father so much, she would never want to see anyone lose their entire family."
I nod, I wanted it to be true, but I felt doubt. Where was she now? With Gale? Hating me? I felt tired, all of this was so exhausting. The games, the Capitol, torture, District 13, Katniss...
"I should go, I have to get back to work. You look tired anyway."
"Prim?" I say not sure what I even want to ask.
"Yeah?"
"Where is she?" I think I'm asking if she's with Gale.
"Where she always is, hiding, running, trying to survive."
"With Gale?"
"I don't think so, he's been busy working at tech services...She doesn't love him the same way she loves you, you know."
But I don't know. How does she even know? Katniss is so guarded.
Before I can ask what she means Delly walks into the room and Prim says her goodbyes.
"Does she sneak here every day?" Asks Delly.
"Most days," I respond, "I don't even know how she manages it, I get 2 visitors at most and you are one." Haymitch being the other. I was shackled though and there was no way to break free and hurt her.
My mind drifts back to the present as I see Katniss light go on downstairs. I decide to go down to the kitchen, get some water, put my light on. Maybe she will notice and come over. It's okay to hope, right? I smile at this, it's a little devious. I'm inviting her over but without the words will she accept. Probably not, she can be so stubborn. I'm going to have to work to push this along. This, whatever it is. Comfortable silences, eating meals together. Sharing the gossip regarding the rebuilding and repopulation of District 12.
I caught her laughing at me a few days ago as I chased Haymitch's geese up and down the Victor's Village whilst he lay in a heap on his porch. It was almost worth the chaffing of my prosthetic to see her smile again.
We always eat at my house. I guess hers is filled with memories of Prim. Even though they didn't live there that long the house remains unchanged, like a shrine. When she's ready I will help her clear it out. I've already started that task, packing away the memories of my parents and brothers. I didn't have a lot, they hadn't moved to the Victor's Village with me, instead choosing to remain in our family home above the bakery. Made sense since they rose early to start baking. I wish they hadn't, I wish they had moved here. They might have survived. Even my cold mother who sent me away to die in the games believing only Katniss would return.
I peer out of the kitchen window to see if she is still downstairs, she is. Damn it Katniss. She hadn't hugged me or touched more than my hand since I returned 3 months ago. I feel frustrated about this whole situation. Recently I had been talking to Dr. Aurelius over the telephone, a mandatory obligation of my treatment. A frequent discussion is of course Katniss and my feelings for her. I told him about a memory of the Quarter Quell where Katniss kissed me on the beach after I gave her the locket with the pictures of her mother, Prim and Gale. I remember she kissed me and it was so intense that I felt for the first time she was actually kissing me and nothing else mattered, not the games, not survival, the capitol or even Gale. She said she needed me, I hoped that was true because I still intended on being here for her. I'd held onto that memory during my treatment in the Capitol, I wanted to ask her about it but Dr. Aurelius had advised not to right now. Katniss was healing too and it had only been 7 months since Prim had died.
Before I returned, Plutarch had offered me a job as a TV chef for some new live cooking show he was planning for day time television. I had laughed and declined as politely as possible. The last thing I wanted was to remain in the Capitol or to be on TV. He had told me to remind Katniss of his new singing show and he would love if she would make an appearance and sing. Yeah I could see that happening, Katniss was more likely to put an arrow through Plutarch's thick neck at the suggestion.
I'm starting to get anxious. Its clear she's not going to come over to my house and I certainly can't spend another moment overthinking things. I grab my coat and pull on some shoes then walk across the gardens to her house. I knock gently, hoping I won't startle her. I know this could go badly and it's against better advice but I can't wait any longer. All these thoughts are invading my mind such as if she loves, no, could love me. Or if she's waiting for Gale to come back for her. Or maybe she's just too sad to ever love again and I'm destined to live this life of solitude across the path from the girl I love. I know I won't ever love anyone else, what I said on the beach is true. There is no life for me, not since the day I was reaped alongside the girl that I had watched for so long, who made me almost shy and nervous. Some would argue that I am good with people, confident in most situations however when it comes to Katniss I am an insecure fool who hangs on her every move.
I knock again and open the door, "Katniss?" I call softly. She's sitting by the fire, stoking the embers.
"Hey," she says as she looks up at me, her eyes are red and I can see tear stains on her cheeks.
"Hi," I feel sheepish now, maybe this was a mistake.
"I couldn't sleep so I left the light on, then I must have been so exhausted I drifted off and I had a dream about Finnick and his screams woke me." She rushed this sentence as though justifying why she was here at 3am.
"I never sleep much these days either. I keep hoping the dreams will pass but sometimes the dreams are preferable to the flashbacks." Katniss moves to sit on the sofa, she stares blankly at the fire. "I just wanted to know if you were okay because I saw the light on downstairs. I'll see you in the morning, goodnight Katniss." I turn to leave.
"Don't go." Her voice is quiet, almost pleading and my heart aches. She looks at me, and scoots over so that there's a spot beside her. I take my place next to her and we both stare into the embers, the silence is deafening.
"Do you remember on the train, when I would have nightmares and wake screaming? You would be there to hold me?" She breaks the silence with a question that surprises me.
"I remember, sometimes it's mixed up with other capitol made memories. But I remember feeling at peace, warm and comforted."
Katniss pushes her hair out of her face, strands of hair have come loose from her braid. I want to reach out and touch it, I don't.
"Do you think if we hadn't been reaped, you would ever have talked to me?" The question surprises me. She's never fully acknowledged my long time crush. She asked me once during the first games and I had told her about the first time I heard her sing at school. I was a goner from that day.
"I might have, there were several times I came close. After the bread I wanted to ask if you were okay, but your permanent scowl scared me off." I grinned and she punched me lightly on the shoulder.
"I never had time to think about myself, I was always thinking about keeping my family alive. At school I really only knew Madge and Gale…Gale was older so we didn't spend much time together in school." She looked sad when she spoke of Gale. That bastard. I felt angry again that he had left her, left her here alone and sad and mourning. I wasn't sure what to say but she started talking again anyway.
"I didn't notice…boys, I resigned myself to always looking out for my family. I never wanted children because how could you bring vulnerable and innocent little kids into a world of starvation and reapings? It made me angry. When my dad died I locked away some of the parts of me that could love because it was painful, all I had was my love for Prim and my need for survival to make sure she lived."
"And Gale?" Damn, it was out of my mouth before I could stop myself.
She looked at me as though surprised I asked the question but there was a hint of a smile on her lips as she answered. "Gale and I both lost our fathers. We both had a family to support, we had anger towards the Capitol and the injustices of being born into unfortunate circumstances. He could trap and I could shoot. We made a pretty good team. He made it easier to live without my father."
I understood this, her mother had gone into a deep depression leaving Katniss with no one. Gale was there struggling to survive his own fathers death and support his mother, brothers and sister.
"Do you miss him?" I really can't stop with these awkward questions.
"I miss the Gale and Katniss from before the reaping, yes. But the Gale now is a stranger to me. I can't think about the role he played in…her death."
I put my arm around her instinctively and draw her close to my chest as I sit back. At my surprise she doesn't resist.
"My dad used to take me into the woods to teach me to hunt, track and shoot. We hid bows around the forest and he taught me how to listen for the low thrum of the electricity before going through the fence…Dr. Aurelius and I have been talking about grief and survival. He says that sometimes people try to form new attachments to replace the old ones. At least that's what I gather because he was rambling on about attachment theory and I lost him somewhere. Anyway I think what he meant is that for me, Gale was there to fill the void that my father left."
"So what you are saying, is that Gale was like your father, but you kissed him. Isn't that weird?" I grin, teasing her.
"What?! No! I meant that he filled a void, the other stuff was confusing. I wanted to feel something, be normal not forced as part of a TV show." She's defensive now. I sigh. I have made a mistake but she's not moving or running off. She's perfectly still, almost relaxed against my chest.
"I know Katniss, I'm joking." There's a long silence and I decide to speak again. Seems this is a night for sharing. "There was this one day at school, you were sitting with your friend Madge. You were laughing. Your face lit up as she showed you something. I started walking towards your table, I had this speech in my head. It was stupid, I barely remember it now, It involved saying hi and introducing myself and asking if you wanted to walk home together. As I approached though you stormed off rather abruptly."
Katniss shifted her weight to get comfortable. It felt nice having her pressed against my chest again.
"Seems I'm always scowling or storming off."
"Yes it does seem to be your thing." She smiles at this and then closes her eyes. I love the way her eyelashes flutter. She doesn't realise the effect she has on people. On me.
We stay there by the fire in silence and eventually I feel Katniss breathing fall into a regular pattern as she lets out soft breaths that signal she's sleeping peacefully. I use this opportunity to stroke her hair and close my own eyes, drifting off into the most dreamless sleep I have had in months.