Rose Among the Thorns
"And in other news, Wayne Industries has just opened up a new mining operation in Brazil, which has led to the employment of over 50,000 native workers. This is just the latest in CEO Bruce Wayne's recent campaign to provide opportunities for the less fortunate, both in Gotham City and around the world, in what he hopes will result in, in his own words, 'a better tomorrow.' The mine will be extracting precious metals from the nearby Montanha de Flores, a huge mountain range inhabited by over a hundred varieties of flora and fauna. When asked about the impact of mining on such a fragile ecosystem, Mr. Wayne had this to say."
The news program cut to footage of Bruce Wayne standing in front of a podium. "Caring for the environment and leaving the world a greener place for our children is one of the top priorities of Wayne Industries. You have my personal guarantee that my company is going to be complying with every government regulation against deforestation and climate change to the letter. We are minimizing as much as possible our environmental effect on this beautiful country, while also providing a means of future sustainability for its inhabitants. We are concerned with both the natural and human environments, and firmly believe that they can exist, and can continue to coexist, peacefully."
"Yeah, right," snapped Poison Ivy, flicking off the television suddenly. "Humans are too greedy for that, and there are too many of them. And who pays for humanity's overpopulation? Nature does. But the earth will outlast humanity – she'll be here long after the pitiful human race has driven itself to its own extinction. But not before it's done irreparable damage by using up Mother Nature's precious and limited resources for its own selfish ends."
A plant curled lovingly around her arm, and she petted it soothingly. "Montanha de Flores," she repeated, frowning. "I know that name. Home to some of the rarest flowers to ever bloom, including…"
She trailed off, standing up and heading over to a bookshelf. She took out a heavy volume and flipped a few pages, stopping at last at the one she wanted. "Flor da Estrela," she murmured. "The Star Flower. Its conditions are very unique – it only grows in the darkest depths of the mountain, and only blooms once every hundred years. Its petals have a luminescence of their own that makes it glow golden in the dark. I would love to see it," she sighed.
Her eyes fell upon the dates of its last blooming, and lit up. "It'll bloom this year," she whispered. "In a matter of weeks…"
She turned to the plant. "Baby, I think I need to book a flight to Brazil. I can put a stop to Wayne's environmental destruction by destroying his mining facility, and see the Star Flower bloom as well."
She flicked the TV back on, which was now showing footage of the mining facility. "Hmm, a lotta guards," murmured Ivy. "Nothing I can't handle on my own, of course, but it's always nice to have company when traveling."
She reached for her phone and dialed a number. "Hello?"
"Hi, Harley, it's me," said Ivy.
"Oh, hi, Red!" exclaimed Harley Quinn. "What's up?"
"I said 'pull,' Harley! Do your job and get off the goddamn phone!" shouted a familiar, unpleasant voice.
"Hang on a sec, Red," said Harley, putting down the telephone. She reached for a ceramic Batman figure by her side, throwing it high up into the air. A bullet from the Joker's gun shattered it. "Way to go, Mr. J, that's five for five on the clay Batman shooting!" exclaimed Harley.
"Of course it is, Harley girl," said Joker, looking smug as he blew the smoke off his gun. "There's nothing I'm better at than shooting things."
"I can think of one thing!" giggled Harley, her eyes shining. "Maybe when you're done with the clay Batman shooting, you can show your Harley baby the other thing you're best at," she purred, cuddling against him.
"Pull," snapped Joker.
"What, right now?" asked Harley, looking surprised. "Ok, if you say so, Mr. J," she said, shrugging and reaching down toward his pants.
"The clay Batmans, you idiot!" snapped Joker, shoving her roughly away. "Honestly, Harley, I'm not going to encourage your obsession with sex! You need to learn some personal discipline and self-restraint."
"Yeah, ok, but…I'd rather my big, strong puddin' disciplined and restrained me – it's no fun doing it by myself," said Harley, frowning.
Joker sighed heavily. "What have I ever done to be stuck with a greedy nymphomaniac?" he muttered. "Just my irresistible, masculine allure, I suppose. Same thing that keeps the Bat coming back for more. Pull!" he shouted, aiming his gun again. Harley launched another clay Batman into the air, which was just as swiftly obliterated.
Harley picked up the phone again, balancing it on her shoulder as she waited for Joker's command to throw another clay Batman. "So what's on your mind, Red?"
"I'm heading to Brazil in the next few days to sabotage a mining operation, and I wanted to know if you wanted to come with me," said Ivy. "The operation is pretty big, so there will be a lot of it to destroy, and I wouldn't say no to the help. I'm also hoping to see a rare flower bloom which has glowing petals. Should be a pretty spectacular sight."
"Aw, I'd love to, Red!" exclaimed Harley. "Lemme just check with Mr. J. Mr. J!" she called.
"What?" asked Joker, reloading his gun.
"Can I go to Brazil with Red in the next few days? She wants help destroying a mining facility, and it sounds like a lotta fun."
"We got anything on the calendar for the next few days?" asked Joker.
"Lemme see," said Harley, heading into the kitchen and glancing at their custom Twelve Months of Batman Deaths calendar (This month was Death by Chocolate, where Batman was encased in a giant candy bar, in an unsubtle parallel of Han Solo being frozen in carbonite).
"You got a heist planned at the jewelry store, but you can handle that by yourself, can't ya, puddin'?" asked Harley.
"Heck, I can skip that," retorted Joker, shrugging. "If something more fun's come up. Tell Pammie we'd love to come."
"Uh…I think the invitation was just for me, Mr. J," said Harley, slowly. "You know you and Red…don't really…get along."
"We hate each other's guts," said Joker, nodding. "Which is why bringing me along is going to be hysterical. Tell her it's both or none of us."
Harley sighed heavily. "Red? Can Mr. J come too?"
"Absolutely not," retorted Ivy. "Under no circumstances."
"Well…he said if he can't come, I can't come," said Harley.
"Tell him to go screw himself then!" retorted Ivy. "You can't let that creep tell you what you can and can't do, like you're some kinda prisoner of his! You're a strong, independent woman with your own mind, not some pathetic submissive to his will."
"Uh…I think I'm the second one, actually," said Harley, slowly. "You sure you couldn't let Mr. J come along?"
"No, Harley!" snapped Ivy. "Honestly, just break free of him for once in your life, and do something without his permission!"
"But…but then he'll be mad at me, Red," said Harley. "And then I'll be upset that I've upset him. You wouldn't want me to be upset, would you, Red?"
"Oh, for God's sake!" snapped Ivy. "Fine, Harley, just stay at home with that abusive jerk! I don't need you! I don't need anyone! Unlike you, I'm strong and independent and can do whatever I want whenever I want! You should try it sometime!"
"But Red…" began Harley, but Ivy had already slammed the phone down, seething in rage.
"Pathetic," she muttered, storming into her room to pack. "Just pathetic. She's like a dog on the Joker's leash, and I hate dogs!"
She gathered up a variety of plant-based weapons and toxins. "That should be enough to take care of the facility," she said. "On my own, without anyone's help…"
But the more reasonable part of her brain nagged her, insisting that it would be better to have backup, just in case. After all, she didn't want to travel all that way just to be dragged back to Arkham, and miss her once-in-a-lifetime chance to see the Star Flower bloom. But with Harley being uncooperative, she didn't know who else to ask. (Catwoman was still mad at her after a drunken game of Never Have I Ever, where Ivy had admitted to her that she had kissed Batman multiple times, and wouldn't object to doing it again).
A thought suddenly occurred to her, and after much consideration, and with much trepidation, Ivy at last picked up the phone and dialed a number.
"Hello?"
"Hi, Harvey."
"Pam," said Two-Face, surprised and pleased. "Nice to hear from you. How are you doing?"
"I'm good, Harvey. Um…this is kinda unusual for me to ask, I know, but…would you be interested in joining me on a trip to Brazil?"
Two-Face was stunned. "You mean…as a couple?"
"No," said Ivy, hastily. "I mean as…fellow supervillains. I want to destroy a new mining facility there, and I could use some help."
"Bruce Wayne's mining facility?" asked Two-Face. "The one that just opened?"
"That's the one," said Ivy. "So…what do you say? You wanna come?"
Two-Face was silent. "I'm…very flattered that you thought of me, Pam, but…Bruce is my friend. I'm not going to go out of my way to destroy his interests, or cause him any trouble. I hope you understand."
"Oh, I understand," said Ivy, annoyed. "I understand that you rate your friendship with Bruce over our history together. I understand that you care more about him than you do about me, just like a man. Bros before hoes, isn't that it?"
"Pam, it's not a competition," said Two-Face. "I care about both of you a lot, and because of that, I don't want to take sides. But it really means a lot that you asked me…"
"Flip the coin, Harvey," snapped Ivy.
"I…I can't, Pam," said Two-Face, slowly. "I can't designate either you or Bruce as the good side or the bad side. So I'm not flipping it. I'm just staying out of it."
Two-Face's apathy, on top of Harley's submissiveness, was too much for Ivy to bear. "You're a coward, Harvey!" she shouted, suddenly furious. "A pathetic, spineless coward! Fine, you stay outta it! I thought you were better than that! I thought you still loved me, despite everything! But I can see now that that was just a buncha crap so I'd stay involved with you! You were just lying and saying anything just to get what you want, just like men always do!"
"Pam, that's not true…" began Two-Face.
"Fine, I don't need you!" she shouted. "I don't need anyone! I can do this on my own, as usual! God knows I can't depend upon any of my friends to be there for me in my time of need! But that's what I get for making friends with humans, I guess! They're all lying, weak, pathetic sacks of meat!"
"Pammie…" began Two-Face again, but the phone clicked off. Two-Face sighed heavily, putting it down and pulling out his coin. He flipped it into the air and caught it. It landed good side up.
"I dunno what that means," he muttered, closing his fist around it and shoving it into his pocket again. "Does it mean I help the woman I love to hurt my friend? Or help my friend by hurting the woman I love?"
He headed slowly down the hall toward his room, and glanced in the mirror. "What kinda man are you, anyway?" he muttered to himself. "She's right – you are a coward. That's why you need the coin. Because you're not man enough to make your own decisions, to live up to your own mistakes. You're not man enough to choose a side, so you let fate choose for you. Pathetic. But then Harvey Dent was always pathetic. Spoiled, rich little lawyer's boy, who never wanted to actually make a difference in this city, who just wanted the fame and adoration that came along with talking the talk and walking the walk. And look where that got you," he growled, glaring at his reflection. "Now the world sees you for what you truly are, just some two-faced monstrosity. And she sees you for what you are too. Just some lying, cheating coward!"
He smashed his fist through the glass suddenly, shattering his reflection into a hundred pieces. He kept smashing the mirror, cutting his hands and shredding his skin on the glass. He finally fell to his knees on the ground, sobbing, blood and tears trickling through his fingers, as the shards of broken glass surrounded him, reflecting his divided face.