I promise you the formatting is 1000 times better on the AO3 version, with strikethroughs that make more sense and everything, here: archiveofourown dot org / works / 14498871

1. Sir Bedivere wishes the King and his sorcerer Sorcerer has a capital S the King'll slaughter us all if we don't use it this is my complaint point, fuck off, you two. It's not as if he's going to see this list, is it? Sir Bedivere wishes the King and his Sorcerer would not moon over each other at the training grounds so often, or for so long—the knights do need their King's guidance and we don't often get to drill under him these days Bedivere also wishes the King and his Sorcerer would drill him. Too bad ;) BORS

2. Sir Gare Kay, ha, would like for King Arthur and Merlin to wear matching garb more frequently goodness, you're boring seeing as the two sides of a coin belong to, obviously, the same coin. Have you ever come across a coin that's purple one side and red the other, by the way? What metals would it be made of? I'll just relieve you of your quill, shall I

3. Sir Gareth respectfully asks that the King and his Sorcerer close the door to their bedchamber; the guards positioned outside almost always get an earful every night and by now the entire castle is painfully cognisant of, erm, who takes it up the arse dammit Gwaine you were blushing too hard to write! I did you a favour, you ungrateful—

4. Sir Percival hopes that the King and his Sorcerer shall stay exactly the way they are. Boooooo They're perfectly suited to each other and their behaviour is far less scandalous than we're making it out to be. The knights are just really, really bored Percy why did you even bother? Go puff up your muscles even more In light of #7 I revise my complaint note to say that you are being exactly as scandalous as we're making you out to be… but don't change, anyway

5. Sir Bors motherfucker Sir Bors who does not have it off with his mum would kindly like to ask the King and his Sorcerer to put Sir Bedivere out of his misery and — Sir Bors is stripped of his writing privileges forthwith. Signed, Bedivere, Knight of Camelot

6. Sir Elyan is being forced to give his opinion and shall use this chance to request that the King replenish Camelot's stores of iron (Gwen didn't want to inform you about the shortage, it's not urgent, and you seem very busy ruling the kingdom and fucking Merlin, so). He's not going to see this, Elyan oh. Shame. In that case, Sir Elyan uses this chance to inform the King that we've all seen you and Merlin snogging at the top of the North Tower. People in Mercia and Meredor have seen you snogging at the top of the North Tower. Merlin's mum has seen—

7. Sir Lucan enthusiastically begs the King to stop hiding Merlin under the table during council. Everyone notices his absence at your shoulder. Everyone knows what? Blowjobs. What? Blowjobs, Perce. …erm (Arthur) 8==D O: (Merlin) OH GOD, GWAINE

8. Sir Lancelot hereby washes his hands of all responsibility for this complaint letter as he would like to be able to meet Guinevere without his back in shreds from a public lashing really, what is the point of you the point of me, Gareth, is that I don't have a death wish you're a knight of Camelot I don't have an irrational death wish you smile more than thrice a day at Merlin Arthur's jealousy is his own fault, not mine you Gareth, just… shut up and polish your sword before I break it into pieces

9. Sir Caradoc would like very much to say that the King and his Sorcerer make a striking pair and it would be lovely if they would perhaps use the Court Sorcerer's powers to stop time and do all the fucking they want before spending the rest of the day productively. No one annotated mine? :( we all hate you no, we don't, we just agree wholly with you

10. Sir Galahad humbly requests that the King and his Sorcerer drink a little less wine at feasts. None of us has yet had the courage to tell you well don't have it now! They're going to find out someday. Might as well be now. Come on, you lot. Arthur's not going to see this! None of us (including all the servants and everyone, even Guinevere) leave Gwen out of thisall for one and one for all has yet had the courage to tell you both that during the Queen Mithian's last state visit to Camelot, the two of you got utterly pissed and you, sire, pulled Merlin into your lap and kissed him silly in front of the Queen and all her entourage. You might as well write the full story, Gal; in for a copper coin, in for a gold You may also have wanked Merlin off not very secretly under the table towards the end of the banquet think he might start the executions with you anyone want to band together as knights errant coward

11. Sir Leon shall only ask Merlin not to curse his sublime chest hair to read "tosser" again ha, that was a good one. Didn't wear off for weeks poor Leon couldn't indulge in his favourite hobby which one taking his tunic off to flash the Lady Morgana; Leon has no romantic interest in the King, as Elyan just delineated. Bedivere is a far more risible, apt target how could you do this to me

12. Sir Gwaine disagrees with all these knobheads and would like to ask Arthur and Merls never to stop their filthy, obscene dogging. You both are the sole entertainment these days in my sad, gloomy life just say you don't have time to go to the knocking shop fuck off, Kay. And the things you two get up to, they're hot as hell, no doubt, and Merls, I know Arthur's a fussy prude but if you're ever up for a ménage à trois, you know where to find me sorry, Gareth, you said I had a death wish? Lance, I was unbelievably wrong.

13. Lady Morgana for her lover's sake would like to interrupt but you're not here, how are you writing this I have magic, idiot. I would also like to request that the knights cease writing and exit the tavern immediately. Why? Merlin's been scrying what's that Merlin's been reading over your shoulder ever since you lot began, and Arthur's on his way to RUUUUUN