"You don't have to do this.."
I always told him.
"This is what I want to do. I want.. I NEED to find mother. I need to bring forth our reunion."
It's not right.
That's just not fair.
He had every right to choose what he wanted to do. He's not just a puppet, as they had called him.
"Kadaj…"
But no matter how many times I tell him that, he just won't listen.
He's already had it embedded deeply in his very soul.
I always hope that he just might change, that he'll be free.
I looked up at him from below as he stood from the grass beside me.
"It's frustrating," he told me,"I never really knew Sephiroth. I don't really know who he is.. But I feel his presence. Sometimes, I feel like mother wants him more than me."
I sat up and plucked out a dandelion, I blew onto it and made a silent wish.
It hurts seeing him like this.
I know it hurts him.
People see him as a real villain but having followed him and his brothers for such a long time.. That's just not it.
He isn't really a bad person.
Sometimes, I feel as though he is just a little boy who longs for his mother,
A child just looking for a mother's care and attention,
A child that was never given that care and attention..
And that's just why he's like this.
Actually..
If it weren't for him, I probably wouldn't be alive by now.
He even helped me.
That time, Kadaj and his brothers were in a city looking for Jenovah.
I don't remember what city. I've never been there before.
I woke up in the dark, I didn't know what time of day it was. I didn't know where I was.
My body was aching, bruised, and bleeding. I lay dying in a dense pool of my own blood, and I wasn't sure if I was glad to be alive or not.
I know there was something I was protecting before that, but I don't remember what it was, and it's gone.
I think it was a black box… I don't remember what was in it.
I waited there for who knows how long, praying to the gods to help me, for someone to help me. I heard a blast and light flooded in along with the flying debris that managed not to hit me, and there I saw him walk in. He spotted me from across the room and was about to go ahead and leave me there. Though weakly, as loud as I could say it, I asked for him to help me. He paused and went to where I was. Somehow, he took the pain surging at the wounds all around me until I felt none.
And I blacked out.
I woke up with his two brothers in view, sitting on chairs just a few feet away from me. One of them spoke and said that I was awake.
He came into view and walked up to me, and he inaudibly muttered to himself as he observed me, looking at the bandages now covering my skin.
"I'm Kadaj."
I blinked at him and smiled, "I'm Lethe."
"Thank you for helping me."
I don't know what made him do it.
He saved me, and because of that, I'm indebted to him.
I feel like I owe my life to him. I want to save him too.
Since then, I stayed with them. Their hiding spot was a home to me now.
Somehow, I knew they were just using him. This mother of his.. Jenovah… I just know that it'll end badly for him if this reunion does happen.
He was a vessel, they told me.. And a vessel he was.
But despite that, he had his own mind. He was curious, so inquisitive, just like a young boy just beginning to discover the world around him. There were a lot of things he already knew, but the simpler things, he would sometimes ask me why they were so.
He asked me about the sky once. He asked me what colour do I see.
"What do you think it is?" I replied.
"…I don't know…"
He pondered for a while, gazing up at the cloudless sky.
"White?… No, I don't know.. It looks purple… Or green.."
He later on decided that it was blue.
He had feelings. I've seen him cycle through so many different emotions, sometimes all happening within just a minute.
I've seen him sad,
angry,
frustrated,
confused..
Then he'll just start laughing so suddenly and stop and think for a while again.
But I've never seen love in him.
Come to think of it, I don't think I've really ever seen him happy. That is, if you don't count those times he's laughing like a madman. And you can't really count his feelings for Jenovah as real love.
Sometimes, I wonder if he even had the capacity to love.
I managed to develop some feelings for him.
It wasn't difficult, honestly. It's not that hard to fall for him once you get to know him better.
It started with my gratefulness for the kindness he had shown me, to have taken me in and tended my wounds despite being a complete stranger who was probably nothing to them.
He may be crazy, and ruthless… But I still liked him either way.
He can be pretty okay when he's not out thinking of his plans to destroy everything.
I adored his eyes, his hair. His eyes were such a beautiful green shade that I never could've imagined in a person, and even more piercing when his gaze sets on you. I'd always end up looking away, mentally scolding myself for staring for the nth time.
I envied his hair, I can't deny that. It was such a pristine shade of silver that I would've gladly exchanged my hair's colour for.
I would tell him that sometimes, and every time, he would just stare at me and give out a small, quiet laugh.
"You know, I get really worried about you whenever you go off doing things like that."
I referred to him about a fight he had with Cloud a little earlier.
He laughed shortly.
"You shouldn't worry so much. I can never truly die."
Now why does that sound familiar..
Kadaj lay down the grass beside me and was swept into thought as I fiddled with some of the long grass beneath me, my long brown hair hanging down and spread onto the ground as I had my arms supporting me up while I was lying forward. I looked at him from the corner of my eyes as he closed his eyes and breathed in deeply, slowly opening them after he breathed out a seemingly contented sigh to stare at the clouds in the golden sky, just about to be painted with the dazzling hues of sunset yet again. In times like these, he looked like he was in peace, and I'm more than happy being able to see him so.
I wanted to tell him how I felt. I don't know if I should. I don't know how he'd take it.
He looked at me shortly after and we stared at each other for some several seconds. His eyes were just so pretty, and I studied them just a bit longer again before I went back looking down at the grass I had previously torn apart to blow in the wind. In times like these, I would wonder what he was thinking.
A few weeks had passed since I had first stayed with them.
Spending time together just before sunset seemed to be an ordinary thing for the two of us.
Kadaj was talking about Mother again.
Here I was, trying to see if I could convince him to stop his plans of reunion again. He chattered from the start to the end of the plan and Jenovah, like he had done some several times before. It almost seemed like he forgets that he's already told me the same thing. We were sitting underneath the open sky, and I studied his face again as I listened to him speak, pause, and speak again. Eyes, nose, the shape of his cheeks, mouth, everything looked perfect to me. I paused as I stared at his lips, and thought I try to do something rather unexpected. I leaned forward and gently placed a kiss just at the corner of his mouth. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I hoped that just maybe it could change his mind. He paused, that's for sure, and he didn't continue. We stared at each other, his eyes expressing his shock at the action. There, I saw the faintest red blushed across his cheeks, and I thought that just maybe, he had the capacity to love somewhere in him.
He didn't speak to me for a while after that.
And I never would know about that small burning jump he felt in his chest when I had done that.
We went on normally the next day.
Some days, I'd go by myself to visit Midgar. It wasn't exactly home to me, but I lived there for a while sometime back then.
I could only be so thankful that everyone I knew still acknowledged me there, even when they knew that I accompanied Kadaj and his brothers so often. Always, they'd always ask me why and try to convince me to leave them and come back to stay here.
I couldn't leave them. Not after what happened.
Sometimes, I wonder if I could ever even repay him.
During another sunset, we were lying on our backs on the ground in silence. I was examining a stem of a tall plant at my left, between us, bending it in a light grip with my left hand to my eye level. I didn't notice that Kadaj was staring at me, even though his face was a few inches right in front of mine. I made a small jolt as I was startled by him taking my hand and looking at it. I felt my temperature get warm and my heart started beating fast. It was the first time I felt his hands, at least without his gloves on. His fingers felt light and airy, it was so different from how people would usually see Kadaj. He leisurely entwined our hands together and softly asked me why is it that our hands seem to fit perfectly with one another. I only stared at him as he continued, tranquilly observing our hands.
I kept convincing myself I was imagining, but I know I saw him smile at me.
I wonder why I can't remember anything that happened before they found me.
I remember my past, but I just can't get myself to recall what was happening there.
"Kadaj?"
He turned to look at me as I called him in the darkness. The night sky was jewelled with stars.
I was sitting alone at the window in the room I stayed in when I saw him pass by.
"Nothing.."
He nodded and headed outside.
I couldn't sleep so I decided I follow after him.
I leaned on the wall next to him and asked, "Could I ask you something?"
He looked at me.
"Actually, tell you something."
He was rather quiet today, calmer than usual.
"I don't remember what happened that day you found me. I can't remember anything about it."
I paused and added, "Do you?"
He told me no.
"Why did you save me?"
"You asked me to."
I nodded at his answer.
We stayed there silently for a while.
I'll never know that he already knew about me before that.
I'll never remember that I ended up in that situation and everything after, because I failed to do the task given to me. That is, to take away Jenovah's cells.
I was supposed to take it away from both Shinra and Kadaj.
And I will never remember, nor the reason why I was put up to the task in the first place.
"What if.. I love you?"
He looked thoroughly confused after that.
"I don't know what that means," Kadaj answered.
"Love or my question?"
"..Both."
I already expected that
A few days after, Kadaj told me he was going to meet Rufus.
"We're going to Midgar to look for Jenovah tomorrow?"
"Yea," he replied, "I just know we'll find her this time. I can feel it."
He told me to stand here in this building and wait for him. In the distance, I see him talking to Rufus Shinra. Shinra dropped something down the building, and Kadaj lunged down after it. I nearly panicked. He got back safely, though. He showed me a black box, and told me it was Mother. It was the same black box in my memories, the same box I protected before my near-death experience, and I loathed it that very moment. I would destroy it if I could, if that meant freeing him, I'd do it.
Just hours later, I found Kadaj in Sector 5, acting out and exclaiming in exasperation.
I slowly walked up to him and softly called out his name.
The next scene was very familiar, and I felt fear creep up on me.
Kadaj had pinned me to a wall, his grip on my wrist slowly tightening. This happened once before. At that time, he had his sword to my throat because I caught him at a bad time with his thoughts about Jenovah.
He hit the wall with his other hand, looking down with his head hung low, and he stayed like that for a short while, his grip not loosening on me.
"Kadaj. You're hurting me."
I quietly stuttered the words out as I tried to pry my arm off his hand.
He slowly raised his gaze to look at me. I thought I'd see anger in his eyes, but instead of that, he just looked so unfathomably confused. I couldn't think of what reason it may be that caused him to be this way. Before I could even think of asking, I was surprised to feel his lips placed softly on mine. Our eyes were open, and I stared at him in pain as I saw his frustration in his eyes. Altogether, it was almost sad, but it still gave that fluttering feeling in me. We held our place a few moments longer, and we just stared at each other like that.
Kadaj pulled back and hid his face as he leaned to the wall by the crook of my neck, and I felt something warm drop onto the skin of my shoulder..
Tears
I wasn't sure if I was supposed to be a little happy or scared..
Not of him.
I felt a little scared, because seeing him do something like that made me feel like I was going to lose him soon, and that scared me.
...
I never saw him again after that.