Hello, everyone! This is my take on what would have happened if Peeta wasn't hijacked when he arrived in D.13. This story was originally written in Portuguese, my first language, but I decided to translate it to English. I've been writing Everlark fanfics for a long time, but this is the first time I'm posting a story in English. An american friend of mine helped me a bit, but I'm the one who translated the story. So if some word/setence is incorrect or sound weird, I apologize in advance.
Anyway, I hope you'll enjoy my story. Don't forget to leave a comment! :D
Have a good reading!
Ps: The Hunger Games belongs to Suzanne Collins. I'm just a fan of the series. ;)
Boggs, looking a little worse for wear but uninjured, finds Haymitch and me. "We got them all out. Except Enobaria. But since she's from Two, we doubt she's being held anyway. Peeta's in a room by the end of the hall. The effects of the gas are just wearing off. You should be there when he wakes."
Peeta.
Alive and well—maybe not well but alive and here. Away from Snow. Safe. Here. With me. In a minute I can touch him. See his smile. Hear his laugh.
Haymitch's grinning at me. "Come on, then," he says.
I'm light-headed with giddiness. What will I say? Oh, who cares what I say? Peeta will be ecstatic no matter what I do. He'll probably be kissing me anyway. I wonder if it will feel like those last kisses on the beach in the arena, the ones I haven't dared let myself consider until this moment.
When I reach the door of the room that Boogs indicated, I open it and then I can see Peeta. He's already alwake, sitting on the side of the bed while three doctors measure his blood pressure and apply antiseptic onto his wounds. He looks very thin and there are wounds covering his arms and face, but he doesn't look as bad as I thought he would be. I'm disappointed my face isn't the first he saw, but he sees it now. His face wears an expression of a genuine amazement, as though he couldn't believe I'm in front of him.
"Katniss?" He exclaims.
"It's me, Peeta." I say, entering the room.
But when I'm in between the door and his bed, he shoves the doctors aside, stands up and runs towards me. Without warning, we fall into each others arms at the same time. Our embrace is so tight it is as if we'll never let go of each other.
Tears roll down my face at all the emotions stirring inside me. The nightmare is over. Peeta is here, with me. He came back to me, despite everything he's been through in the Capitol. And I'll never, ever, let someone take him away from me again.
"I can't believe you're here." Peeta says with a tearful voice, soaking my hair with his tears. "After that last interview, they told me you were dead."
He cries harder and holds me even tighter, if that's possible.
It breaks my heart to know that they tortured Peeta that much, and I can't help the tears from escaping my eyes again. I can totally tell how he felt, because even though nobody had tried to fool me into believing he was dead, I have been on the verge of losing him since he was captured by the Capitol.
But now everything is alright. He's here, with me, and I'm here, with him. Snow might have tortured us a lot in the past few months, but he wasn't able to keep us apart forever.
After what feels like an eternity, Peeta breaks away from our hug and then looks at me. His eyes are red from crying, but there's a smile on his face.
"I missed you so much." he says, caressing my face.
"Me too." I say.
"I don't want to be away from you ever again."
Before I can say anything, he grabs my face with his hands and then kisses me. And I kiss him back, losing myself in the sensations.
Only then do I realize how much I have missed all of this. The feel of his lips on mine, the heat of his body enveloping mine, his hands caressing my face and my hair. This may be our first kiss with no cameras or a huge audience, but I would be lying to myself if I thought this is the first kiss that means something to me.
When we need to come up for air, Peeta pulls away and rests his forehead against mine.
"I love you." he says with a breathless voice.
Before I can think of anything to say in response to that, I hear someone clearing their throat. Peeta and I move away from each other only to see Haymitch. I had totally forgotten he was here. Immediately I get so embarrassed that I know my cheeks must have gotten into the shade of a tomato.
"Here is not a private place, you know." Haymitch says playfully. But by the expression on his face, I can tell he is thrilled.
"Haymitch..." Peeta says, and then hugs him.
"My boy..." Haymitch whispers, patting Peeta's back.
"Thank you." Peeta whispers back, and I just know what he's referring to.
Haymitch lied to me when he said that his priority would be saving Peeta's life, but he didn't lie to Peeta. He fulfilled his promise of saving my life over his.
I get slightly annoyed at this, but I try to ignore the feeling. Peeta is back, and that's all that matters. I have no reason to vent any grief at such a happy moment.
As Peeta and Haymitch pull away from their hug, one of the doctors moves towards us.
"Peeta, we gave you time to see your friends, but now you need to rest." She informs.
"I feel okay." He says, but by the tone of his voice, I can tell he isn't being honest. He just wants the doctor to go away so we can stay together.
"You know that's not true." The doctor says sternly. "You're still so weak, and you need to rest and to eat something. You're going to be under observation tonight and tomorrow morning we're going to do a series of medical tests on you, to evaluate your health.
"Okay, then." Peeta shrugs, nearly rolling his eyes.
"Can I stay here?" I ask, slightly aprehensive. I don't want to stay away from Peeta, not even for a moment. I can't risk losing him again.
The doctor becomes thoughtful for a moment, probably considering my request, before answering:
"Okay. But it's not going to be comfortable. The most I can get for you is a chair."
I can feel Peeta opposing to that, but before he can say anything, I say:
"I don't care."
"In this case, you can stay." The doctor says.
Haymitch tells us goodbye and leaves the room. The doctor inclines Peeta's bed, so he can sit back on it. When he's on it, I sit down on the chair beside him. It's not very comfortable, as the doctor said, but it's not going to stop me from staying here.
"Thanks for staying." Peeta says, intertwining our hands. I can see his gratitude glistening on the blue of his eyes.
"I'm not going anywhere. I don't want to lose you again."
He smiles at me.
For the next several minutes, the doctors resume their various examinations on Peeta. They finish cleaning his wounds, insert a tube of saline into his vein and check on his pulse. When they're done, an employee from the kitchen brings him his dinner. It's a light meal: Meat broth, toast and juice. The woman situates the tray on Peeta's lap and he eagerly starts devouring the food.
He eats voraciously, as if he hasn't had a decent meal in so long. When I connect his behavior to his loss of weight, I'm certain that's exactly what happened. One of his tortures in the Capitol was food deprivation.
A terrible feeling of pity constricts my chest and hot tears fill my eyes, but I try to keep myself from crying. I don't want Peeta to worry about me and then try to comfort me. Today, he's the one who needs assistance, not me.
When he's done eating, the doctors finally leave us alone. Only now, in the silent, dimly lit room, do I realize how tired I am. My misery over Peeta's condition had me sleeping badly for several weeks, and on the last few days, it got even worse.
A yawn escapes my lips and Peeta notices I'm tired.
"Katniss, this chair is too uncomfortable. Come here, lie down with me."
"No, Peeta!" I quickly refuse. "You need space to rest well."
"There's enough space for the two of us." He insists. "And I want you close to me. You know, one of the things I missed the most while I was held in the Capitol was sleeping with you in my arms."
I feel my face growing warm when I hear him say that, but I give up on refusing his offer and just accept it.
Peeta lifts the blanket and I slide myself under it, nestling in his arms. The comfort I feel is immediate. But it's not only because I'm laying on a soft bed, protected from the coldness of the room. It's also because I'm in Peeta's arms again. No other place can make me feel this safe.
When my eyes are nearly closed, Peeta asks:
"Katniss, I know you're tired, but I need to ask something."
I raise my head to look at him.
"Go on."
"Do you know where my family is?"
My heart leaps into my chest. How did I not see it coming? It was obvious he was going to ask about his family. But I didn't prepare myself for that, and now I don't know what to do. How am I going to tell him that his whole family is dead? That he doesn't have anyone else in this world?
No, it's not true. He's not alone in the world. He has me, and I have to be here to support him at such a hard moment.
I take a deep breath, gather all the courage I have and then I say:
"Are you aware that the Capitol threw bombs in District 12 right after I blew up the arena?"
He widens his eyes.
"What?!" He exclaims, sitting up in alarm.
Well, now it's obvious he didn't know about the bombs. I gather courage once again and go on:
"Yeah. That's what you heard. A hovercraft threw bombs in our District. About 900 people managed to make out alive and came to District 13, but all the others..." My voice fails and I can't manage to complete my sentence.
"What about my family, Katniss?" Peeta asks, and the desperation in his voice is palpable.
I don't have to say anything. By the expression on my face, he figures out the answer.
"Please, tell me this is not true!" He begs, crying.
"I'm so sorry, Peeta." I say.
He cries harder and his sobs begin to shake his body. Not knowing what to do to comfort him, I just pull him to my arms and hold him tight.
I can't bear seeing him like this. It's not fair he has to deal with such a terrible pain after everything he's been through in the Capitol. But there's nothing to do. Nothing will bring his family back. So the only I thing I can do is comfort him and wait for his tears to wash the pain away from his body.
Eventually, Peeta stops crying. I wait to see if he'll say something, if he'll want to talk, but he doesn't say anything. He just breaks our hug and lies down on the bed, pulling me into his arms.
"Don't ever forget you still have me." I tell Peeta, who already closed his eyes.
He just nods and then falls asleep, as if his body were exhausted with pain. I snuggle into his chest and finally let sleep overtake me.
I wake at the middle of the dawn to the noise of the nurse changing Peeta's saline bag. She's not being loud, but my huntress' ears keep me alert to any sound.
When she notices I'm awake and staring at her, she smiles at me and makes a signal for me to go back to sleep. I obey.
When I wake again, the wall clock is showing it's 10 AM. I usually don't wake up that late, but considering how late I went to bed, I didn't sleep that much. The room is still dimly lit and Peeta is still sleeping, so I stay still, afraid I'll disturb him.
But not a long time later, he begins to stir. Concerned, I lift my face to look at him. He opens his eyes and smiles at me.
"Good morning." He says, his voice a little hoarse.
"Good morning. How are you feeling?"
He stays thoughtful for a while, as if he were remembering about everything that happened since he arrived in 13.
"It still hurts so much." He answers, and he seems about to cry. "But I'll get better. I have you."
"Yes, you do." I say, caressing his face. "It's gonna be alright. I'm not going anywhere.
"Thank you." He smiles. "I don't know what I'd do without you."
Before I can say anything back, the doctor enters the room. She says "good morning" to us, asks for permission to turn on the light and then does so. She doesn't look thrilled to see me lying on the hospital bed with Peeta, but she doesn't complain. She just asks if we want to have breakfast, which we accept, and then leaves the room to do the order in the kitchen.
When the lady from the kitchen arrives with our breakfast, I'm sitting again on the chair the doctor had gotten for me. She first hands the tray with my breakfast to me and then hands Peeta's to him.
We eat in silence, but I feel happy when I look at Peeta and notice he isn't eating as voraciously as he was last night. Now, his hunger is just the hunger of someone who hasn't eaten in a few hours. The same hunger I'm feeling right now.
When we're done eating, the lady collects our plates and the doctor returns to the room, saying she's going to take Peeta to do the medical exams.
"May I go with him?" I ask, afraid of staying away from him.
"Unfortunately not." She answers. "But you can visit him tonight."
I feel so disappointed at that, but I don't argue with the doctor. I know she's just following the rules of the hospital. I just nod and moves towards Peeta.
"I should go now, but I'll come to see you tonight." I tell him.
"It's okay. Don't worry about me."
I chuckle.
"Are you really asking me not to worry about you?"
He grins, looking satisfied. I grab his face with my hands and give him a soft kiss on the lips.
After that, I ask the doctor to take wellcare of him and then leave the room.
When I reach the hall of the hospital wing, the scenario that I see is very different from the one of the night before. There's no wounded people being wheeled, or doctors shouting. Everything seems calm.
That's when I remember about Gale. I focused all my attention on Peeta and totally forgot about him. Is he fine now? The nurse didn't allow me to enter the room where he was, but maybe it was because he was in the middle of the medical procedure. I think I can see him now.
Cautiously, I knock on the door to the room where he was yesterday. Surprisingly, he's the one who opens the door. He's wearing the gray uniform from district 13 and seems to be just fine.
"Catnip!" He exclaims, and then he hugs me.
"Gale..." I whisper, leaning my head on his chest. I'm very happy and relieved to know that he's okay.
When we break apart, I say:
"You look very fine."
"Yeah." He nods. "The doctor just discharged me. I and my mother were about to leave. She came to bring me my clothes."
And ony then do I notice Hazelle is behind him. I greet her and then the three of us leave the hospital together.
When we're on the way to the floor of our compartments, Gale briefly tells me how the rescue mission went out and how he hurt his shoulder. It was such a risky operation, and when I think he did all of this to bring Peeta back to me, I am consumed with a strong feeling of gratitude.
"Thank you, Gale." I tell him.
He frowns for a moment, but then his features relax, as if he had finally understood what I meant.
"I just did the right thing." He says.
After that, he stays silent. When we reach the floor of our compartments, we say our goodbyes and then I go to my own compartiment. All I need right now is to take a shower and a good nap.
At lunch time, Prim is released from the medical training and comes to stay with me. I don't have any programming for today, because I've been out of everything due to my emotional state. I know it won't last long, but for now, I know I can enjoy my break and spend some time with my little sister.
"I saw Peeta today, at the hospital." She says. She's sitting on her bed with Buttercup on her lap.
"Did you?!" I exclaim, sitting next to her. "How is he doing? Were the results of the exams good? Will he be discharged soon?"
"Hey, easy!" She says, laughing. "The results of the medical exams probably aren't ready yet. But I didn't spend much time there, to be honest. I just stopped by there to talk to him. He was a little sad, but aside from that, he didn't look so bad."
"Yeah, I know. He was tortured and lost his whole family. It's not easy."
"Yeah, it's true. But tell me: How are you feeling about his return?"
"I'm very happy. And relieved. I was so scared of losing him."
Prim grins in a suspicious way, and for some reason I can't put my finger on, it bothers me.
"What does this grin mean?" I ask.
"Nothing. Let's take a walk?"
"Sure."
At night, I can finally visit Peeta. Eager to know how he is, I pratically run towards the hospital wing.
When I arrive in his room, I see him reclined on the bed, the same position he was when I left. But this time, his hair is wet, which makes me conclude he took a bath.
"Peeta." I say, walking towards his bed. "How are you?"
"Fine, as far as possible." He says, smiling sadly. "The doctor is coming here soon to tell me about the results of my exams."
Right after he says that, the doctor walks into the room. I feel sick to my stomach when I see her, because I know this is the moment she's going to tell how Peeta's health is.
But to my relief, his health is not as bad as I thought it could be. He has anemia and is dehydrated, due to the bad eating, he's under the weight and has some wounds that need special care, to prevent him from getting an infection. But aside from that, everything is fine. The assumptions of broken bones and respiratory infection were proven wrong.
Peeta will spend some more days at the hospital, to be properly handled. But the doctor assures us that he's not in danger. What seems to be worse is his emotional state, due to everything he's been through. But a psychiatrist will take care of him, which has me relieved.
On the following days, I don't leave Peeta's side. Whenever I'm allowed to be with him, I am. I pratically don't do anything other than sleep, eat and visit Peeta in the hospital. No one calls me in the Command or in the Special Defense. Plutarch doesn't ask me to do any propo. Apparently, everyone is respecting my need to take care of Peeta.
But this doesn't last long. When Peeta is discharged from the hospital, the requirements begin. Coin calls me in Command, saying that I need to take part on the discussions about the missions in d.2 and in the Capitol. She also says that I have to join the training sessions, to prepare myself for the combat that certainly is going to happen in these missions. I comply her without questioning, because I know she fullfiled her promise of saving Peeta and the other victors.
But when Plutarch asks me to do a propo with Peeta, I refuse.
"No, we won't do that." I say with vehemence. "At least not now. He's still recovering."
"But you promised you would do your assignments as the Mockingjay." He controverts.
"Exactly. I "I lay emphasis on the word" promised. Not Peeta. He doesn't have anything to do with that."
Plutarch rolls his eyes.
"Okay, okay." He raises his hands in a gesture of redemption. "But you accept to do a propo by yourself, don't you? I want you to say that the victors who were kidnapped in the Capitol are safe with us."
"Okay."
In between training sessions, discussions about combat tactics and filming of propos, I don't have as much time as I'd like to to be with Peeta, but whenever I have a free time, I stay with him. We have our meals together and I always stop by his compartment before he sleeps, to see how he's doing and to talk to him a little. One night, I choose to stay. Peeta opposes to that, probably minding what people may think, but I honestly don't care. If Prim and my mother notice our arrangement, they probably won't try to stop me. As for the people who don't know me, they think Peeta already got me pregnant, so that's not a problem.
From this night on, I begin to spend all the nights with him. His nightmares got so much worse since he was kidnapped and lost his family, and I'm glad I'm able to calm him down, as he did with me for so long.
I don't know how to define our relationship, but I know it may be a new source of gossip around the district. I can feel people's eyes on me and Peeta when we're at the cafeteria. But I don't give a damn to that. Not until I see Gale looking at us, with such a sad expression on his face.
I can't help the unpleasant feeling of guilt that swells into my chest. Once again, I left Gale aside because of Peeta. He might not need as much attention as Peeta does, but he's my best friend. It's not right to ignore him. Besides, I miss him.
On the following day, willing to fix my mistake, I utilize my free time after lunch to invite Gale to go hunt with me. He accepts my invitation, but he doesn't look so happy. He stays quiet during our whole hunting time, clearly upset. I feel guilty, but I don't say anything. Only when we're sitting on a rock, depluming the geese we've hunted, I decide to say someting.
"Gale?"
"Hmm." He doesn't even look at me. He stays focused on his goose.
I gather courage and then continue:
"Gale, I... I know I have not been a good friend to you lately, so I'd like to apologize."
"That's okay." He says, still not looking at me.
I roll my eyes.
"Gale, I know that's not okay."
He finally looks at me, and I can see sadness on the gray of his eyes.
"And what do you want me to say? Do you want me to admit that I can't stand seeing you with him? That I can't stand seeing people say you and him look so beautiful together? That I feel like shit because I know that I can never compete with him?"
I can't help the anger that courses through my body.
"That's not a competition, Gale!" I protest. "I'm only spending more time with Peeta because he needs me more than you do. He was tortured by the Capitol. He lost his whole family. Do you think I could leave his side? He needs me, more than anyone else does. But it doesn't mean you don't matter to me. You're my best friend."
He grins scornfully and then he says:
"You love Peeta."
I get even angrier.
"Of course I do! He's my friend. How did you expect me to..."
"I'm not talking about this kind of love." He interrupts me. "You love Peeta in the way I wanted you to love me."
Gale, who rarely cries, now has tears streaming down his face.
"You can deny this to me or even to yourself, but it's useless. You're completely in love with him, and it's obvious to anyone paying attention."
I am static at his words. I don't know what to say, or to do. Or even to think.
Lost in my daze, I hear Gale say something like "I'll see you later" and I see him stand up and walk away by my peripheral vision. But I don't do anything to stop him. I just sit there, feeling his words pound in my head.
"You're completely in love with him."
"You're completely in love with him."
"You're completely in love with him."
Is this true? Am I really in love with Peeta? This thought makes me so nervous I finally react. I collect the fleeced geese and stand up, struggling to not think about the things Gale said.
After I drop the geese by the kitchen, I make my way to my compartment to take a shower. As the water refreshes my body, Gale's words resume their torture in my mind.
"You're completely in love with him."
I get nervous again, but this time, I don't avoid my thoughts. Do I love Peeta in that way?
I think about my mother with my father. How her face lightened up whenever she saw him. How happy she felt when he was around. How she nearly stopped living when he died.
Do I feel that way about Peeta? I think about how safe I feel in his arms. The sensations his kisses and touches evoke on me. How much I need him. How I nearly stopped living when he was stuck in the Capitol.
When I notice the similarities, my heart speeds up and a cold sensation of fear fills my stomach. I turn off the shower, dry myself with the towel and hurriedly walk out of the bathroom, as if running away were some kind of escape from my feelings.
But there's no escape. Not now, that I finally can understand what I feel for Peeta.
It's not like what I feel for Prim, my mother or Gale. It's an entirely different feeling. A feeling I closed myself to since I saw my mother fall apart at my father's death. Since I decided I would never marry or give birth to children in this terrible world.
But it was useless. Peeta entered my life and destroyed all the barriers I had built in my heart.
Hot tears escape my eyes at all the emotions I'm feeling right now. I feel anguish, insecurity and, above all, fear of the unknown. My life has always been about surviving and saving my loved ones. I never had time – or will – to reflect about my feelings. And now I don't know how to deal with them.
But it doesn't matter anyway. I don't want to marry or to have children, so Peeta would end up hating me sooner instead of later. Besides, there's a war going on. And I need to focus on that.
With that in mind, I wipe my tears, put my clothes on, do my braid and then I head to the training wing.
At night, when I arrive in the cafeteria to have dinner, I feel a jolt of anxiety when I see Peeta. He smiles at me and takes me to an empty table, and then we sit there to have our meal together.
While we eat, he starts a conversation with me, asking me how was my day and telling me how his was, just like he did on the last few days. It's as if nothing had changed.
But in fact, everything has changed.
Now, that I'm fully aware about my feelings for him, I feel nervous around him.I can't see our relationship as naturally as I used to. Peeta is still the same Peeta, the one who loves me without expecting anything in return. The one who never tried to manipulate my emotions. The one who never demanded me anything I couldn't give him.
But what about me? Am I the same Katniss? The one who avoided her feelings and closed herself to any possibility of a romantic relationship? Will remaining only friends with Peeta be enough to me?
These thoughts make me even more nervous, and I start feeling on the verge of an anxiety attack.
"Katniss, are you okay?" Peeta asks, noticing I'm not fine.
He places his hand above mine and strokes the back of it with his thumb. I move away from his touch as if his hand were an ember. He frowns, totally confused.
"Yeah, I am." I lie. "I'm just tired."
"Okay." He says. He doesn't seem to be convinced, but he doesn't question me. "We finish our dinner and then we go sleep.
Sleep.
How am I going to sleep with Peeta in such situation? Everything is going to get even more awkward between us. For a moment, I consider just telling him I'll sleep in my compartment today, but then I remember he needs me to soothe him when his nightmares come. And that I need him to soothe me as well. I can't let my feelings put a distance between us, because we need each other. Keeping that in my mind, I decide to continue sleeping with him.
Later, when I'm nestled in Peeta's arms, I can't help feeling nervous again. But I try to ignore this feeling and just focus on the comfort and the safeness his arms bring me.
On the following days, I remain feeling uneasy around him. As if my incompetence at resolving what to do about my feelings weren't bad enough, I also don't know what to do about Gale. He put a distance between us after our fatidical meeting in the woods, and we haven't talked privately since then. But I can see his expression of sadness when he sees me with Peeta, and it fills me with guilt.
It's as if anyone always had to suffer, no matter what I do.
But I ignore my inner conflict and just try to act naturally, without showing none of the things I'm feeling. But Peeta, as perceptive as he is, notices something is not right.
One night, while we're wrapped around each other in bed time, he asks:
"Katniss, is there something wrong?"
"No." I lie once again.
"You are... I don't know... You're acting a little weird."
"I'm acting as usual." I say, trying not to show my anxiety.
"You're not." He insists. "But I'm not going to push you into telling me what's wrong. I just want you to know that whatever it is, I'll understand."
"It's nothing, Peeta. Let's sleep."
I snuggle into his chest and close my eyes, letting sleep envelop me.
A few days later, Peeta is invited to join the training session and the planning of the missions. At first, I oppose to that, worried about his state of health. But at his enthusiasm and the permission of the doctors, I just have to accept that.
He doesn't join the heavy trainings, and Coin assures us he won't be sent to any combat until he's in good condition. I don't know if I can trust this, but since she fulfilled her promise of taking him away from the Capital, I feel like doubting her words wouldn't be fair from my part.
As the days go by, I begin to enjoy Peeta's presence in the training sessions. Even though I'm still feeling a little nervous around him, I like to have him close to me. And seeing him happy and excited for being useful is so gratifying to me.
The bad side of it is that now, that Peeta is training, I don't have any excuse to save him from Plutarch's propos. When he comes to us suggesting a propo with the star-crossed lovers, we have to accept that.
It's something very simple: Just a message that we're together in the fight against the Capitol and a quick kiss.
When Peeta's lips meet mine, I feel a pang of anxiety in my stomach. It's ridiculous I'm feeling that way after having kissed him so many times, I know. But this is our first kiss after I got fully aware about my feelings for him. And for that, something feels different.
To my relief, Plutarch gets satisfied in the first take and releases us. I tell Peeta I need to take a bath, tell him goodbye and then I run to my compartment.
But I didn't have any intention to take a bath. It was an excuse. I just wanted to run away from Peeta, to run away from everything I'm feeling. When I reach my compartment, I sit down on my bed and cry. I cry for not knowing how to handle my feelings, for not being able to control them, for being such a coward, weak person.
I also cry for guilt, because regardless what I do, someone will suffer. Either I, Peeta or Gale.
That's why I've never wanted to love anyone. What does love bring other than suffering and incapacity? My life was so much easier when none of this existed. When I didn't have to deal with this kind of feeling.
After awhile, my crying finally stops. But I feel exhausted, as if my emotions had dragged out all the energy in my body. So I lay down and let my exhaustion overtake me.
When I wake, I see my mother sitting on the side of her bed, staring at me.
"Mom?" I say, sitting up on the side of my own bed.
"Hi, dear." She says.
"How long have you been here? Where's Prim?"
"I just arrived here. Prim is at the hospital, having a practical class. But she's coming soon to have lunch with me."
"Okay. But what are you doing here?" I ask, but not in a harsh way. I'm just curious.
"I casually met Peeta and he told me you were here. And I thought it would be a good opportunity to talk to you privately."
"About what?" I ask defensively. My mother never asks me to have a private conversation with her, so it must mean I'm in some kind of trouble.
My mother shifts a little on her bed, looking uncomfortable.
"Katniss, I... I know you're very independent, but I'm still your mother and I worry about you."
An unpleasant, cold feeling of fear pools into my stomach. I don't like the direction this talk is taking.
"Whatever you have to tell me, just spill it out, please." I implore, nervous.
She wets her lips with her tongue, takes a deep breath and then says:
"I know you've been sleeping with Peeta. A few times, I saw you walk out from our compartment in the middle of the night and return at early morning."
There. As if my inner conflict about my feelings wasn't enough, now I'll have to stand my mother giving my a lecture. I definitely was wrong when I thought she wouldn't try to stop me from doing that.
"And what's the problem?" I ask challengingly.
She blushes slightly and then says:
"Dear, you can do whatever you want in your life. I'm not stopping you. I just want to make sure you're protecting yourself."
I get confused for a moment, but when I understand what she meant, I feel heat creap up my face. I know I must be blushing furiously.
"No!" I promptly say. "Me and him... we never... All we do is sleep."
"Really?" She asks, skeptical.
"Yeah." I answer, feeling even more embarrassed.
"Okay, then. But there's no guarantee it will stay that way. I know you feel something really special for him."
I lower my head, pratically ignoring my mother. She's the last person I want to talk to about my feelings.
"I understand you don't want to talk about your feelings with me, but I wish you'll let me apply that on you, at least."
I raise my head at the exact moment she takes something out of her pocket. It's a packet which content is unknown to me. My mother seems to notice I don't know what it is, because she says:
"This is a contraceptive injection. You take a shot now and 48 hours later, you'll be safe for three months."
"Mom, I don't..." I begin to refuse, but she interrupts me.
"Just let me apply that on you, ok? You have nothing to lose. This medicine is modern and won't do you any harm."
I don't think it will be useful, but willing to soothe my mother, I allow it.
Seeming relieved, she moves to the bathroom to wash her hands and pick cotton and alcohol. When she comes back, I lift the sleeve of my dress and let her apply the injection into my arm.
When I sleep with Peeta that night, I feel more uncomfortable than ever. But this time, it's not only for my confusion over my feelings. It's also because the talk I had with my mother had me seeing our arrangement in a different way.
She wasn't the first person to suspect that I and Peeta were doing more than sleep. I remember Effie complaining about our arrangement, asking me to be more discreet because people were gossiping about us on the train. But for some reason, my mother's opinion on that reaches me so much more.
Maybe it's because she's my mother. Maybe it's because she implied I'll eventually want to be intimate with Peeta. Maybe it's because she said that now, that I'm aware about my feelings. I don't know for sure. I just know that Peeta's arms around my body and his skin on mine feel so much more intimate now, and it bothers me.
On the following days though, I stay so focused on the trainings that I don't have time to think about my feelings. The mission in district 2 has begun, and I'll be sent to there soon, because Coin and Plutarch think that the figure of the mockingjay will be essential to accomplish the redemption process of the ones who still work for the Capitol. If we win district 2 over, we'll invade the Capitol right after. And then, maybe, the war will be over and Panem will finally be free from this oppresive regime.
Everything seems to be properly planned, and I do my best in the trainings, confident in your victory. On the day before I leave for district 2 though, a certain news catches me off guard: Coin decides Peeta is also going to district 2, claiming he is strong and excelent at strategize.
"This is an absurd!" I protest. "You promised you wouldn't send him to combat until he were in good condition."
"I'm fine, Katniss." Peeta retorts.
"No, you're not!" I say with vehemence. "You're still recovering. You have to stay here for a little longer and prepare yourself better for the next mission, the one in the Capitol."
"Ms. Everdeen" Coin begins to say, with a ironic voice that fills me with irritation ", I am the one who gets to decide that. If I'm sending him to this mission, that's because I believe he's well enough to go."
"But he's not!" I insist, feeling desperate.
Peeta might not be in his best shape, but he's not that bad either. When I note this fact, I know my desperation doesn't lie exactly on his condition. My desperation lies on my fear or losing him.
In this moment, I feel like I am standing under the lightning tree, saying goodbye to Peeta right before I lost him to the Capitol. I feel like I am on those nights in the bunker, suffering at the supposed imminence of his death.
"I'm perfectly fine, Katniss." Peeta says, with the soft voice tone he always uses when he wants to calm me down." If I weren't fine, I would refuse to go myself. No one accepts to join a mission if they think they won't be able to help."
Words like "it's true" and "he's right" reverberate through the room.
At this, I have to stay quiet and accept Coin's decision, even though I'm nervous. When she notices I'm silent, she says:
"Well, now that everything is clarified, you all may leave. We'll depart early tomorrow. Be ready."
I nod and leave Command, along with Peeta. I'm mad at him, as if he had betrayed me by obeying Coin's order. And although I know it's irrational, I can't help feeling this way.
I stay quiet throughout most of the way that leads us to the cafeteria. At first, Peeta respects my silence, but after awhile, he says:
"You're not mad at me, are you?"
"If you think you're well enough to go to the mission, who am I to tell you otherwise?" I say, and my voice sounds harsher than I intended to.
"Yeah, you are mad." He concludes. "I'm sorry, Katniss. I never intended to upset you. I just wanted to show you I'm fine."
Hearing Peeta apologize only makes me feel worse.
"I know." I say. "It's not about you. Sorry."
He smiles kindly.
"It's okay."
After lunch, I say goodbye to Peeta and then I head to my compartment, to pack my bag. While I fold my clothes, I think about what might happen after we leave district 13.
It's not that I find Peeta weak, or something like that. I'm just scared of losing him again, and nobody can blame me for that after everything I've been through in the last few months.
I get so lost in thought I only notice Prim has arrived when she pokes my back.
"Prim!" I exclaim, frightened.
"You were so distracted." She says, laughing.
"I'm just packing. Tomorrow morning, we'll go to district 2."
"Yeah, I'm aware about that. But it's not why you're with this worried expression on your face, is it?"
It's curious how Prim is always able to read my mind. Her sensibility is so refined sometimes I forget she's just 13 years old.
"No, it's not. Coin announced Peeta is going to the mission as well, and I'm not sure he's well enough for that... I am... I am scared of losing him again. I don't know if everything will work just fine, if I'll manage to protect him..."
Prim grins.
"You really do love him a lot."
I turn my face away, unable to look at her.
"Katniss, look at me." She asks.
I obey.
"I won't force you into talking about your feelings. I just want you to pay attention to what I'm telling you: There's no guarantee we won't lose the ones we love. Never. Even if there's no war happening. All we can do is enjoy everytime we have with them, so we won't have any regrets later."
She stays quiet for a moment, as if she was contemplating something, and then she says:
"If you haven't told him you love him yet, do it today. Don't wait any longer. Enjoy every moment you get to spend with him."
I stand there, feeling her words pound in my head. Should I tell Peeta how I fell about him? Is she really right?
"Do not feel obliget to do anything." She says, as if she was reading my thoughts. "Just consider what I said, okay?"
"Okay. Thanks for your advice anyway."
"You're welcome. I love you." She says, and then she hugs me.
"I love you too, little duck."
The matter about following or not Prim's advice consumes my mind for the rest of the day. Is this the best I can do? What will I regret more: Telling him or not telling him how I feel? I don't know. But I know that regardless what I do, there's no guarantee I won't suffer.
At night, when I'm in Peeta's arms in our last night together before the mission in d.2, I continue considering that matter. He seems to notice I'm thoughtful, because he says:
"What are you thinking so much about? I can hear the wheels spinning in your head."
I raise my face to look at Peeta.
"Aren't you afraid, Peeta?" I can't help letting out the words.
"Afraid of what?" He asks.
I hesitate for a moment, but I end up saying:
"That something will tear us apart again."
He smiles sympathetically and then says:
"Of course I do. If my fear of losing you was alredy great before, just imagine how it is now, that I know how it feels like to be away from you and to lose loved ones. But I won't let this fear paralyze me. You now what I learned in the last few months? That I can't control the course of things. The best I can do is enjoy every moment we have together."
When I hear that for the second time today, I finally have an answer to the question that has consumed me for hours.
I can't control the course of things. I can't control my feelings, let alone anyone else's feelings. I'm not able to see the best path I may take to prevent any pain in the future, to me or to anyone else. I can only see the present time, and doing what feels right is the only decision I can take.
And deep down, I know that what feels right in this moment is to push my fears aside and enjoy every moment I have with Peeta. With this in mind, I gather courage and say:
"Peeta, there's something I would like to tell you."
"Go on." He says, looking at me.
My heart speeds up and I feel like a thousand butterflies are fluttering in my stomach. But I take a deep breath and finally voice out what I've been feeling all along.
"I love you."
Peeta widens his eyes and sits up in alarm, clearly not believing what I said.
"What did you just say?" He exclaims, as if he had heard the most absurd thing in the world.
Embarrassed, I sit up in front of him.
"You heard it." I say, mentally begging he won't ask me several questions. I have a hard time explaining my feelings even to myself.
He frowns and rubs at his nape, as though he was consumed with a great feeling of confusion.
"How do you love me, Katniss?" He asks.
I can answer this question.
"In the way you've always wanted me to love you."
Peeta stays still for a moment, as if he was assimilating my words. But when a huge smile appears on his lips, I know he finally got what I meant.
"Katniss, I... I wasn't expecting to hear that now." He stammers, and the thrill in his voice is palpable. "I d-don't even know how to describe what I'm feeling."
"Why don't you show me instead?" I say, and then I cup his face with my hands and kiss him full on the mouth.
He stays still for a moment, seeming to be surprised at my action, but then he begins to kiss me back. His tongue meets mine and his arms wrap around my body, keeping me closer.
And then we just sit there, kissing passionately for what feels like an eternity, only pulling away for a few instants when we need to come up for air. I feel that thing again, the hunger that overtook me on the beach. But this time, everything feels even more intense. Warmth quickly spreads through my flesh, threatening to burn me wholly. But this sensation is welcome and I want more. No, I don't want more. I NEED more.
But with each kiss, with each touch, my need gets greater, as if none of this were enough to satisfy me. Every part of my body screams for Peeta, wanting more contact, more touches, more kisses. Wanting us to merge into only one being.
Not knowing how to let this crazy feeling out, I scratch my nails onto Peeta's back through his pajama shirt, which makes him let out a moan that doesn't seem to be from pain.
He breaks the kiss, and when I lean foward to close the gap, he pulls away even more. But before I feel rejected, he says:
"Katniss, if we don't stop now, I won't be able to stop anymore."
I get slightly embarrassed when I hear him say that, because I know what's implicit in his words. What we were just doing won't be enough for him. He wants me wholly. But he doesn't want me to feel forced into anything. In this moment, he's giving me the opportunity to decide if I want to go all the way or not.
The matter is: Do I want to go all the way or not? I think about the desire I'm feeling, the wonderful sensations his lips and hands are arousing in my body, what I feel for him, the confidence he inspires in me... I also think about the talk I had with my mother and the shot she gave me to make sure I was safe, about the talk I had with Prim...
Why should I not be with him in this way? This is what my body and my heart want, and I know that Peeta would never, ever, hurt me. So I look him in the eye and say:
"I don't want you to stop."
He widens his eyes, clearly surprised.
"Are you serious?" He exclaims. "I... I don't have anything to protect us..."
"I'm safe. My mother thought we were... well, you know. So she gave me a shot."
Peeta's features relax, as though he was relieved.
"Do you really want this, Katniss?" He asks, caressing my loose hair.
"I do." I say with conviction, and this is the cue he needed.
He kisses me again, reigniting in me the fire from before. When his hands reach the edge of my nightgown, I don't hesitate to lift my arms to help him take the piece of cloth away from my body.
And then I'm half-naked before Peeta, wearing nothing but my underwear. The only light in the room comes from the lamp table beside the bed, so he can't see me plainly. But when he stares at my breasts, I know he likes what he sees, even at the poor lighting.
I feel a little embarrassed at such exposure, but the satisfaction I feel at his look of desire is greater than any embarrassment.
"You're so beautiful." He says, and then he attacks my mouth again.
In between kisses, we take off the remaining of our clothes and then we lay on the bed, me on my back and Peeta hovering over me. When I feel him hard against my leg, I get nervous thinking this is the moment he will have all of me. But he surprises me when he begins to explore my naked body. His lips kiss their way from my neck to my collarbone and his hands caress my breasts.
I can't help the soft moan that leaves my lips. I get embarrassed for a moment, but I ignore my embarrassment and just focus on the feel of Peeta's lips and hands on my body. I close my eyes and let the sounds of pleasure escape my throat, losing myself in the sensations.
When his lips close around my nipple, I feel something throb in between my legs, as if there were a connection between the two parts of my body. I bend my legs and squeeze my thighs together, trying to find relief for the sensation, but I don't succeed. I need something, but I don't know what it is. In my life, I've always had many priorities, and exploring my own body surely wasn't among them.
But Peeta seems to know exactly what I need, because his hand reaches between my legs and caresses the exact spot where the throbbing came from.
The greatest pleasure I've ever felt invade me, quickly spreading through my body in waves of warmth. I've never thought I could be so sensitive to touching, that my body could be a source of such pleasurable sensations. But Peeta is here to show me all of this.
With each touch of his fingers on my sensitive spot and of his lips on my breast, the pleasure increases, but at the same time, I feel an emptiness, as if something in me were begging to have all of Peeta, to feel him inside of me.
"Peeta, I want you." I say in between moans.
He stops what he's doing and looks up at me. I see desire in his eyes, but I also see love. And I know he may be seeing the same in mine, because this is what I'm feeling.
"You have no idea how much I dreamed of this moment." He says, and the thrill in his voice is palpable.
"Have you ever done this before, Peeta?" I ask, unable to help myself.
I know this is entirely possible. Peeta is beautiful, sweet, gentle and he seems to be experienced at pleasuring a woman. Jealousy begins to course through my body, but before it fills me wholly, Peeta says:
"No. I only wanted to do that with you."
I can't help feeling relieved.
"I've never done that either." I say, to assure him that I've never wanted to do that with anyone else.
"I know." He says, smiling. "I'll go slow, okay?"
I nod.
Carefully, he places himself bewteen my legs, and then I can feel that part of his body very close to where I want it to be. He looks me in the eye one last time and then starts to enter my body.
The initial sensation is very unpleasant and I let out a whimper. He soothes me with a kiss and continues to enter me, until he is all the way inside me. And then he stays still, waiting for me to get used to the intrusion.
When the discomfort fades away, I tell him:
"You can move now."
And he does.
At first, I feel uncomfortable at the movements, but after awhile, I begin to feel pleasure. The pleasure is not as strong as the one I felt when Peeta touched me, but it's a delicious feeling of fullness. And hearing him grunt and seeing his face contort with pleasure fill me with satisfaction.
"K-Katniss, I'm so close." He says in between moans.
But before I can say anything back, I feel his hand reach the place where we're joined.
The feel of his caress on my sensitive spot combined with the feel of his movements inside me is so pleasurable I begin to moan louder than before. Heat coils in my lower abdomen, and I feel myself about to reach something I don't know, but which I desperately crave.
"P-Peeta, I... oh..." I say in between moans, unable to form a coherent sentence. I don't even know what I was going to say. I'm raving with pleasure.
"J-just feel." He moans, and then I reach that thing I was craving.
It's an intense feeling of pleasure, relief and euphoria, unlike anything I've ever felt. I moan loudly and dig my nails into Peeta's sweaty back. It seems to spur him on, because he speeds up his pace and then finds his own release. He lets out a throaty moan and collapses on top of me as I feel something wet and hot fill me.
And then we just lay there, in the same position, waiting for our breath to return to normal. Peeta buries his face on the crook of my neck and I caress his sweaty back, feeling my heart swell with love for him.
I've never wanted to love someone that way, or to be with someone in that way. But now, as I feel the weight and the heat of Peeta's body above mine after we made love for the first time, everything seems right. There's no regret.
That's how I know it doesn't matter what will happen tomorrow. Or after tomorrow. Because I'm here, in Peeta's arms. And I would not rather be anywhere else.
"I love you." I tell him once again, so he won't have any doubts about how I feel about him.
He lifts his head and looks at me, a smile on his lips.
"I love you too, Katniss. So much. Tonight is the best night of my life."
"I didn't want to... I've never wanted to be that way with someone, but now, that it happened, I'm very happy as well." I admit.
Peeta gives me a light kiss on the lips and then says:
"Katniss, we probably won't have much time to be together and to talk privately until the war is over, so I want to tell you something."
"Go ahead."
"Well, we can't know what will happen from now on. But I want you to know that if anything other than death tears us apart again, I'll try to come back to you once again. I'll always try to come back to you. Always." He lays emphasis on the word.
His words have me thrilled, but I keep myself from crying and tell him:
"I know. And I'll always be here to welcome you back."
He kisses me one more time and then rolls off of me, pulling me into his arms next. Enveloped in his warmth, I try to enjoy my last hours of sleep before the mission.
X-X
Time passes. The Capitol falls and Panem breaks free, but it costs many lifes, includding my little sister's. President Coin is murdered by me and then I stay held and isolated from everyone for several weeks, waiting for my verdict. When they absolve me and I can finally leave my prison, all I feel is pain. There are scars all over my body, my little sister is gone, my mother abandoned me once again, my nightmares are worse than ever. Nothing seems to make sense.
But my boy with the bread is there to take me home, to relieve my pain, to take care of me, to put a new sense into my life. He finds his way back into my life and I let him in, as we had promised.
On the night we make love for the second time, I know this would have happened anyway. That even if I had not declared my feelings for Peeta before, or if I had given Gale any chance, I would still end up here, in his arms. Because I need his love to survive. Because my heart has always belonged to him, even before I realized it.
So after, when he whispers:
"I want to be with you forever."
I tell him:
"Me too."
The end.