Steve Rogers was confused.
Ever since the Avengers assembled again to trace Loki's scepter, he noticed Natasha was keeping her distance from him. He also noticed that she and Bruce had been getting closer. He wondered what had happened during their time apart.
He could sense that Natasha had been actively avoiding him. She would not talk to him unless it was mission related. Was it because he told her that he started seeing Sharon? He thought this was what she wanted. He felt defeated. Even after 75 years, he still didn't know a damn thing about women.
He knew that he cared about her. She was the first girl who he could be comfortable with in this century. He always felt a little bit nervous around other ladies, even Sharon. Of course he knows what this means — after all he's almost 100 and not dead. He took some time to realize his feelings for Natasha though, because it was so different from the experience he'd had with Peggy. He fell in love with Peggy immediately when he first saw her at the camp and even more after he got to know her.
With Natasha, the feelings grew slowly, rooted deeper and deeper every day after she was assigned to be his partner. Natasha had taught him so many things in this century and helped him to adapt in this unfamiliar society where ethics and morals has been so different from the 40s.
He wanted to ask her to stay when they said their goodbyes in front of Fury's fake grave. But he had to look for Bucky and he knew that she needed to find new covers for herself. He was sure that Natasha had also noticed his feelings for her. He once thought that the feelings were mutual, but because there were more important things to deal with at that moment, they'd been left with no choice but to go their separate ways. He assumed they would pick up where they left off when they reunited.
He was wrong. He was so wrong about everything. Natasha had been cold towards him when they met again. It seemed that she had forgotten what they had experienced, that she had forgotten their friendship. She seldom teased him anymore, which she was so fond of doing it when they were partners. She stopped shoving girls at him once she learned that he had been seeing Sharon. What he didn't tell her was he only saw Sharon as a friend. That he preferred to spend his spare time with her.
Seeing her being so close to Bruce made him jealous, but he couldn't do anything because he wanted her to be happy. If she really loved Bruce, he would step down. He would hide his feelings, not wanting to bother her.
So Steve asked Sharon out more frequently. He thought this might help him to switch his attention. He knew Sharon liked him and so he forced himself to spend more time with her, hoping that he could fall for her as well. But as it turned out, this only made him miss Natasha more.
Steve Rogers was suffering because he was hopelessly in love with Natasha Romanoff and he knew that he would never have a chance to confess his love to her.
Sharon Carter was heartbroken. She had just lost her love.
She once considered herself the luckiest woman on earth because she got to know her childhood hero, Captain America. When Nick Fury assigned her to go undercover as a nurse who lived next to him, she was thrilled. She had heard too much about him from his aunt, Peggy Carter, who was also Captain America's love interest during the Second World War. Her aunt used to tell her stories how brave and strong Captain America was, how he led the Howling Commandos to take down every base of Hydra.
Sharon admired her aunt very much. She was very proud of her. She loved to follow her and spent her time with her when she was young. Peggy had taught her never underestimate her own value. Peggy Carter was Sharon Carter's role model. That is why she joined S.H.I.E.L.D. immediately when she had graduated from university, despite her parents' opposition. She wanted to carry on the legend of Peggy Carter. And now, she somehow also wanted to have the romance with Captain America that her aunt had lost when Steve Rogers crashed the plane and got himself frozen in the ice.
After the collapse of S.H.I.E.L.D., she heard that Steve was searching for his childhood best friend, Bucky Barnes, also known as the Winter Soldier. She wanted to be helpful to him, which was why she joined CIA. She was surprised when Steve called her before he left. They had dinner together and she told him her real name. He laughed a little and told her that he knew, (Natasha Romanoff, the Black Widow, had told him already). She also told him that she was Peggy Carter's niece. That caught him off guard and he was silent for a few minutes. Then he started to ask her about her aunt and learned that Peggy's will to carry on his will to protect the world was the reason why she set up S.H.I.E.L.D.. She also told him a little bit of Peggy's private life. Steve just listened quietly. She could feel the love Steve had for her aunt. It was so strong that it has survived for 70 years. Sharon was touched and he promised they would meet again soon. Sharon then slowly fell in love with Steve Rogers.
When the Avengers had assembled once again, she thought Steve would be busier and that they won't be able to meet up as frequently as before. So it was really strange that Steve actually called her more often after that. She allowed herself to think that maybe something had grown between the two of them. She was so happy that she could not hold back her feelings anymore and confessed her love to him. The smile of Steve was a bit odd when he heard that, but she chose to ignore it because she thought he was only shy and didn't how to react. She had heard from her aunt that the superhero was hopeless with women.
Steve agreed to date her. Sharon was euphoric. She had been dreaming of this ever since they became neighbors. Steve was nice, polite and caring, just as she had expected. He was every woman's dream man. She had a hard time believing that she was Captain America's girlfriend, a feeling beyond thrilled.
Not long after, Sharon started to notice something was wrong. Steve was still the same nice, polite and caring guy she expected, but something was still missing. She wondered for a while, trying to figure out what that was. Until one day, when Steve invited her to a decent restaurant. It was a popular dating spot where they were surrounded by many lovebirds. She was a bit nervous since it was the first time that Steve had taken her somewhere romantic, so she looked around, observing other couples. It was then she found her answer. It was the way Steve looked at her, as though there was no affection in his eyes. Not how a normal boyfriend should have looked at his girlfriend. And they had never kissed, or she should say that Steve had never kissed her. Every time she wanted to move one step forward Steve would dodge her, telling her that he wasn't ready. She tried to tell herself that it might be because he was just not sure what to do. After all, this was his first relationship.
She would never forget that day when Steve brought her back to the Avenger's tower, practically his home at that time. She got to meet all the Avengers. Stark and Barton teased Steve and asked her about their dates. Thor was actually happy for them. He hugged Steve and had Stark threw a party to celebrate. He even brought a barrel of Asgardian mead and got almost everyone drunk. She also noticed that Bruce Banner and Natasha Romanoff were kind of intimate. Something must have been going on between them. When she turned to Steve, wanting to ask him about Banner and Romanoff, she found Steve staring at them quietly. He looked sad. She could see the hurt in Steve's eyes. She then realized the awkwardness that had been lingering ever since she and Steve started dating. She also realized why Steve smiled so odd when she confessed to him. Steve had never loved her. Natasha Romanoff was the one Steve loved.
The answer she found hit her badly. She felt betrayed and she felt used. So when Steve walked her home after the party that night, she confronted him. It was more unacceptable when Steve admitted it straightaway, without any excuses. He admitted that he loved Natasha Romanoff. He admitted he used her as a distraction of his feelings towards Romanoff. He also told her that he had tried, tried to fall in love with her, but to no avail. Sharon was furious. She slapped Steve and ran off. She cried all night. She was mad at Steve for sure, but she was even madder at Natasha Romanoff.
She had heard a lot off rumors about the Black Widow when she was still working at S.H.I.E.L.D., how she manipulated men's hearts to get what she wanted, how she used her body as a tool to make her targets to spill their darkest secrets. She learned that the Black Widow was an evil seductress, a cold blooded assassin and a master spy. She didn't understand why Steve would love someone so different from him
She started to blame everything on Natasha Romanoff. How dare she wrap her fingers around every man she desired and toss them away when she lost interest in them. She hated Natasha for having Steve fall for her, she hated Natasha for choosing Bruce Banner over Steve Rogers, she hated Natasha for hurting Steve so deeply, and she hated herself for being a loser.
The break up with Steve Rogers was disastrous. Steve tried to apologize but she did not let him. She was too mad to forgive him easily. Then the crisis of Ultron arose, Steve left and did not contact her the entire time.
After the Avengers had defeated Ultron and returned, she heard that Bruce Banner was gone, nowhere to be found. The remaining Avengers had also gone separate ways. Only Steve and Natasha stayed to train the new Avengers. She knew something was wrong with Natasha. Sharon had seen Natasha staring at the wall silently, for a few hours without moving a bit. She then learned that Bruce Banner had left her and escaped.
She knew this was the chance she was waiting for, a chance to make Natasha to pay for her crimes. She caught her off guard one afternoon. She started mocking Natasha, telling her that it served her right, that Natasha didn't deserve anyone, that even a monster like Hulk would rather run than get involve with someone as pathetic as her. She was surprised that Natasha did not fight back, barely uttering a word to defend herself. Sharon then told her to leave Steve alone, because Steve was hers. Sharon thought she had won.
Bruce Banner was completely at loss. He had found in love again.
He remembered their first encounter. It hadn't been the best one. She was sent by Nick Fury, and she then brought him back to S.H.I.E.L.D., where he met the rest of the Avengers and fought against aliens. After the war of New York, he accepted the offer from Tony. He stayed at the Stark Tower, either conducting experiments with him or carrying out ones relevant to his own interests.
He heard from Tony that Steve had started to work as a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent, as he had expected. He has always been an honorable soldier. Bruce showed his respects for Steve after fighting alongside him. He was a little surprised that Steve would trust him and the other guy so easily, even though they barely knew each other. Steve was indeed a good leader.
He also knew that Natasha had been assigned as Steve's partner. Together they discovered that S.H.I.E.L.D. was compromised. They bought down HYDRA once again and saved a few million lives.
When the Avengers gathered again, he noticed the awkward tension between the soldier and the spy. He could tell that Natasha was avoiding Steve. He did not know what happened between them but he found the scene ironically familiar. That was exactly what he had done when he considered himself a threat to Betty Ross. He wanted to protect her and the best way to do that was to keep his distance to her. He knew how frustrating it could be, so slowly he approached to Natasha, trying to get her speak to him. Natasha had never uttered a word about Steve and her, and he never told her what he had observed.
Bruce and Natasha both thought they were so similar. They were both so damaged by loving the wrong person. The similarity had also brought them closer. That was when he found himself having feelings for the spy.
He panicked because he thought Betty Ross would be the only person he would ever love in the entire world.
Natasha had been aggressive. Of course, he knew that she thought of him as a perfect shelter but he let her. He found some comfort in the girl too, knowing that she had suffered a lot during her life. He knew she considered herself unworthy of the one she truly loved. He knew that she was brittle and he allowed himself to take advantage of the situation.
He flirted with Natasha in front of Steve at one of the parties organized by Stark. Steve told him to hold onto his chance with the girl that they both deserved a win. He read the bitterness in Steve's tone and the sadness in his eyes. He felt sorry for the soldier but he chose not to tell him the truth because he didn't want either of them to hurt more.
Everything went well at first. Everyone was surprised when they found out Natasha had miraculously calmed the Hulk. She was the only one who could do this besides Betty. They spent more time practicing, hoping that she could help calm Hulk when he lost control and posed a threat to innocent civilians. He started to get a little bit more attached to Natasha. She was not as everyone had described. She was not cold, she was not heartless and she was not deadly. She was actually sweet, loving and caring. She was definitely a hell of fun once you got to know her. He enjoyed his time with her. He knew he could be himself around her.
He loved her, he truly did. It was how he knew that she was not as happy as she pretended to be. At the same time, he started to worried that the Hulk might have hurt her like he had when they were on S.H.I.E.L.D.'s helicarrier. So when she told him that they could elope together when they were at Clint's house, he immediately turned her down. Right after the Hulk had lost control and attacked innocents; he knew he was a threat to anyone on earth. She was one of the people he wanted to protect the most. He would never forgive himself if he hurt her.
So he left her. He ran away from the world again. He wanted to be left alone. He still loved her. But this time, he wanted her to be happy. He wants her to follow her heart.
Natasha was devastated.
She felt sorry for Bruce. She felt sorry for Sharon. And she felt sorry for Steve.
She was truly a Black Widow. She had hurt someone she cared a lot for, again. She knew she hurt Steve, but that it was for the best. She loved him too much and she knew she was not worthy of his love. So she shoved him to Sharon. Sharon was nice, she was beautiful, and she was Peggy Carter's niece. They were meant to be together. So she was supposed to be happy when Steve told her he had started seeing her. What she found was that hollow feeling which exploded in her heart.
She started avoiding him, pushing him away, pretending that she didn't care about him. That worked, Steve was then officially dating Sharon Carter. She would never forget the night Steve brought Sharon back to the tower and introduced her to the team. She thought she could handle the pain but it was too much. All she could do was stay away from them. She spent all that night with Bruce, looking for some comfort because she knew he understood her.
Things between Bruce and her heated up quickly. Everyone thought that they were in love. She was aware of Bruce's feelings so she took advantage of him. She asked him to run away with her. They both considered themselves monsters so it made sense. So maybe the two of them could hide away and lick each other's wounds. She knew she was selfish. She knew she could only hurt Bruce the way she would hurt Steve, but she was desperate, desperate to stay away from Steve. She would rather hurt Bruce than Steve.
Then everything fell apart. In the end, she could not save herself, she could not save Steve and she destroyed Bruce.
Sharon was right. She would only hurt everyone she loved and cared about. She didn't deserve anyone because she was pathetic. She only deserved absolute solitude.
Steve was worried.
Natasha had not been her usual self after they came back from Sokovia. She was strangely quiet. She seldom communicated with others unless necessary. Wanda blamed herself for that but Steve knew that this wasn't the reason. It has to be something about her relationship with Bruce. He never asked her why Bruce would leave her and run away.
There were times when he talked to her and looked her in the eye, that he felt like he couldn't find the determined woman in there anymore. She was like a body moving without a soul. She seemed lost. He also noticed that she was getting slimmer as if she barely ate. It tore him up inside to see her torturing herself and he could not just walk away.
One night, he caught her sitting on the floor and staring at the wall again. He decided he had to cheer her up even if she pushed him away again.
"Hey, you ok there?" He sat beside her.
"Yeah, I'm fine."
"You don't look fine. What's going on?" Steve pushed further. He wasn't going to let her go without spilling everything to him.
There was a pregnant pause. Steve was patient, so he waited, waited until she would open herself up.
The situation was just like when they were at Sam's house. She missed that time, the time that she could be honest with him. So she finally spoke up.
"Sometimes you love a person too deeply that you hurt others unintentionally."
"What happened to you and Bruce?"
"I hurt him and he let me," Natasha spoke sadly. "It was all because I tried to lie to myself. And you know, as a spy I'm supposed to do that so perfectly. But I guess there is only one person that you can never lie to and that is yourself."
Steve listened quietly. He gently held her hand and squeezed it lightly.
"When we separated in D.C, I first visited Clint and his family. After everything that happened, the compromise of S.H.I.E.L.D., Nick's death even though it was a fake one, and the Winter Soldier… I think I needed a break. Clint's home was a place where I could always find comfort. They are so kind and they let me stay as long as I wanted. I intended to stay there for a month, which I could usually do for the summer. I love Clint's family. They are everything I imagine a real family would be. I never had one and I never wanted one. But I started to imagine what it would like if I have one."
She looked at him. "I saw you. You and I, cooking breakfast together every morning, sharing little kisses here and there. I know it sounds stupid." She smirked and lifted her free hand to cup his cheek, thumb brushing his cheekbone.
"I knew I was in love with you but things were not that simple. When I was trained in the Red Room, they told me that a Black Widow doesn't love, that a Black Widow doesn't feel. So I always thought that love was for children, that I didn't need love. Clint always tells me it's ok to love someone because love is a beautiful thing. Everyone deserves a chance to experience it. Then you came into my life."
Natasha turned her gaze from the wall to the man sitting beside her. "You are too good to be true, Steve. I know you also had feelings for me. Believe me I was thrilled when I realized that. But then I started to panic. You deserve everything good but there is nothing good inside me. I am a monster. I was made to be a deadly assassin. I was trained to be a weapon. And they sterilized me to make everything easier. I cannot give you what you deserve. I can only hurt you."
She buried her head into her knees and started to cry helplessly. Steve released her hand and embraced her small frame into his board chest. His hand moved up and down her back trying to calm her, though she wouldn't stop crying. He thought it was good, that she had finally let all her emotions out.
"I did the exact same thing when I discovered that you and Bruce were together," Steve started talking once Natasha had stopped crying. "I was upset, disappointed and I felt betrayed. I thought you didn't love me. So I started dating Sharon. I thought she could help me to get over you. She was nice and she was my first love's niece. I saw Peggy in her. I thought I could love her like I loved Peggy." He took his pocket compass and showed Natasha Peggy's photo.
"She's the girl we saw at Camp Leigh in New Jersey, right?"
"Yes. She was the only girl I had ever loved before you, but we never had our chance. Sharon was like my second chance to be with Peggy. I told myself that everything would be fine and I will be happy with Sharon. But after all, she is not you, not the woman I love. So when she asked me if I was in love with you that night, I admitted straight away," Steve sighed. "I didn't bother to make any excuses for myself because you were right, I am a terrible liar."
"See? I told you." She teased.
"I love you Natasha, you are everything I could ask for."
"I have never truly loved anyone before. I've never known what it was like. For the longest time, I misinterpreted the meaning of love. I thought love was to protect and to give the best to the one you love. At the end, I've hurt Bruce, I've hurt you, I've hurt Sharon and I've hurt myself. It's all my fault. Sharon was right. I don't deserve anybody, especially you."
"I think I am the only one who can tell what's best for me, Natasha. You have no right to tell me that," Steve said. He was right. He deserved what he wanted. "And I think you are the best for me."
"Steve..."
"I deserve what I want, right?" He gently kissed her forehead. "I want you, Nat, no one else. You and you alone. Please, let me love you."
"Is it really ok? Is it really ok to love you? To stand by your side?"
"Of course. Nat, I love you, so much." He held her tighter in his embrace. It felt so good to have her in his arms. There was no way he would ever let her go again.
"I love you too, so much," Natasha finally smiled again. It felt so good to be held in those strong arms. Steve was right, she felt much better to be honest with herself.