Something's Changed

AlwaysPadfoot

"Go away, Sirius," I murmured. "Some of us are trying to work."

Sirius had not left the library all day, but he had also done no work either. It was stopping me from getting anything done and we had our first end of year exam in two weeks. Potions of all things; the one subject I was sure I was going to get a T in because I was so bad at it.

"Come on, Remus," Sirius whined. "I'm bored."

"Leave then."

"I'm not going without you," he said. "You can't stay holed up in the library for a whole day."

Sirius startled in his chair as a piece of paper he was messing with flicked upwards towards his face. I smirked at him, looking up from my potions textbook, "I'm sorry that some people don't need to study to pass exams."

Sirius pulled a face. "I study."

"The only thing I've seen you study recently is a dirty magazine behind your History of Magic textbook," I responded.

Sirius' cheeks turned pink and I grinned downwards. "Oh, did you think that no one knew?"

"You know what? I'm not even going to deny it," he said, snatching my potions book from across the table. "You can't stay in here for two weeks, right before exam season. You'll go nuts. Now, if you don't pack up now, I'm going to hide all your textbooks."

I scowled at him and lunged across the table for my book. He held it high above him and every time I grabbed for it he moved it out of reach.

"You're such a dick, but okay," I replied, holding my hands up. "Fine."

He grinned and slid the potions book back to me. I stuffed all my work back into my bag, including a few too many textbooks. Turning to Sirius, I glared at him and gestured to the library exit. "Are we going or not?"

Sirius was staring across the library. He was staring at Liz Mariette. She was sitting awfully close to some Ravenclaw in the year above. I'd dated her, briefly, earlier this year and then then she just stopped talking to me. I was distraught; I was terrified she'd found out about me being a werewolf and that she was going to tell everyone. She didn't know so I still don't know why she left me.

"Yeah, we're going," Sirius said, putting a hand on my shoulder and steering me away.

I shrugged him off and we left the library through empty corridors. Everyone was either outside enjoying the sun or inside abandoned classrooms or the library studying for the end of year exams. Lily told me whilst we were out on patrol that she had taken over the sixth year dormitories in an effort to revise without everyone else disturbing her; I was beginning to think that was a good idea.

Sirius had his hands buried deep in his trouser pockets and was glancing through the arches of the courtyard. The sun was streaming through, casting shadow across the stone. He stopped behind me. "Remus, are you okay?"

I couldn't help thinking about Liz back there in the library and I bit my lip. "What? Yeah. I'm fine."

Sirius sighed and grabbed my arm, pulling me sideways into the empty transfiguration classroom. "You're not okay. Liz doesn't deserve you, Remus."

I zoned out and Sirius - who could easily be a motivational speaker - still tried to tell me that Liz was no good. He was saying all these things and I literally felt torn between telling him I was fine and telling him I was going to be alone for the rest of my life.

"Remus? Remus!"

"What Sirius?" I snapped.

"I told you someone else will fall head over heels for you," he clarified.

I scoffed. "No, Sirius. You know why? Because I'm a bloody werewolf. It doesn't matter if that happens because as soon as they find out they're going to go running for the hills. No one will love me."

Sirius stared at me as though he didn't expect me to argue. Something in his eyes flashed, something I'd never seen before.

"Forget I said that." I drew in a sharp breath. "Let's just go."

I turned to leave and Sirius grabbed my wrist, pulling me back towards him. "Don't you say that. Don't you dare say that no one will love you, Remus."

His gaze locked with mine and I quickly looked away, but didn't move. I could feel his breath on my cheek and something in my stomach jumped. Sirius had never been so close to me and where I expected it to be uncomfortable, it wasn't.

"Don't ignore me, Remus," he said.

I looked back up at him, our faces only centimetres apart and then pulled away. I ran my hand through the back of my hair and then coughed to break the silence. "Um, James should be finished making everyone on the Quidditch team hate him now and we promised we'd go and see Peter."

"Right," Sirius said. "Yeah, of course. I almost forgot."

The confrontation between Sirius and I plagued me for the following days. Every time I thought about it, I wondered whether Sirius was as hung up on it as I was. Had he done what he'd done because he was my friend? Our exchange didn't feel like it was one between friends; there was something else there.

I struggled to concentrate on my revision for the first exams so I found myself asking Lily for help with potions, late on the Wednesday night as we patrolled the sixth floor corridor.

"Dreamless sleep potion is easy if you just remember to relax. Redwood Birch; Eel Skin, Lacewing Flies, Apple Seeds and Xyloweed Buds."

I stared at her. "Are you telling me I've spent like three weeks trying to remember it and you've got a bloody acronym to remember it?"

"Muggle primary school, Remus," Lily smiled.

"Right," I answered, glancing down at my feet and desperately trying to commit the acronym to memory.

We walked for a while in an unusual silence. Lily and I - after almost two years of patrolling the corridors - had solidified our friendship, but this was the quietest she'd been. She seemed pensive and every so often I saw her curious green eyes flicker to me. Eventually, she spoke up. "You seem off at the moment, Remus."

"Do I?" I tried to sound casual, but it didn't seem to work.

"Don't just say it's exams either. There's something else," she said. "Is it about Liz?"

"No, it's not about Liz," I said quickly.

"Then what's going on, maybe I can help?"

I shook my head. "I don't think you can help with this."

Lily looked at me pleadingly, desperate to break the silence. "You'd be surprised."

"Well," I swallowed thickly, my voice unsteady. "I kind of got this feeling around someone a few days ago. I've never had it around them before."

"Was it like your stomach was somersaulting? Like you had no clue what to say or do next?" Lily asked.

"Something like that," I responded.

"Do you think she could like you?"

I internally winced at the word she. "I don't know; it seemed like it for just a moment."

"Was it in any way uncomfortable?" she quizzed. "For either her or you?"

"Only afterwards, when we had to go do something else," I said.

"You know what that is don't you, Remus." Lily beamed at me. "That's love at first sight."

I felt the colour rush to my cheeks and she giggled. There was no way that anyone fell in love at first sight, especially not guys. I wasn't in love with a guy, was I?

"It wouldn't work," I began.

"That's what they all say Remus," Lily tsked. "If you have feelings like that for someone and there is even the slightest chance they have them back, you have to talk to her."

It took me until the day before the exams to decide to corner Sirius. I knew full well I couldn't go into them without resolving the ten tonne of conflict inside my head.

James was trying desperately to help Peter with Transfiguration and I took the opportunity to catch Sirius on the way back up from detention with Slughorn. He rounded the corner from the corridor down to the dungeon and stopped dead in his tracks when he saw me. I lifted my gaze from where I sat on the main staircase. "Can we talk?"

"Sure," he replied. "Mind if we talk outside?"

I shook my head and followed him out into the grounds. Before I could decide what to say, Sirius spoke instead; he sounded unusually unsure. "I think something happened the other week."

I could feel a lump in my throat. "Me too."

"But it's my fault. I should have told you what was going on in my head weeks ago," he confessed.

"Weeks ago?" I stammered. "You mean in the classroom wasn't the first time?"

Sirius studied my expression for a moment. "Remus, I didn't think - I mean - did you feel anything?"

I decided it was now or never. "Yeah. It's been driving me crazy for bloody days. When you said all those things it was like we were the only two people in the whole castle, and that - to me - means something."

Relief broke across Sirius' face. An expression that I'd never seen, a mixture between so many things that I almost couldn't decipher what they all were. In fact, I was sure I hadn't. We both stopped close to the lake, out of earshot of the groups of students still roaming around the grounds.

"Something's changed hasn't it?" I smiled nervously and pulled my top button undone in the evening warmth.

"Yep," Sirius grinned.

We shared one last intense look. A million thoughts went through my head: how had this happened; how were we going to deal with it; what the hell were going to say - or not say?

Sirius flopped down in the grass and I sat cross-legged beside him. He exhaled loudly. "We're fucked."