The You Mean fics are originally from a collection I had published a few months ago. But I've decided to split them all apart and revise them all. I've added more story elements and other stuff. The collection is still up if anyone is interested in reading them, but I'll be deleting it soon. Enjoy :)
You mean Nothing
In all the years that Gray has known her, he had never let himself get too close. They were friends, fellow guild members, and companions, nothing more and nothing less. He is aware of her affections, but in his mind, he simply shrugs it off as infatuation. He catches all her loving and shy glances but he ignores them to the best of his abilities. He knows how she does special things for him, but he plays them off as unnecessary.
He's done it for years. Now he thinks he's slowly losing focus.
He also knows how hard he tries to deny himself.
"Gray-sama!" he hears her greeting. Gray forces his smile to be smaller, his wave less enthusiastic. This way she won't get any ideas. This way she won't think he was as happy to see her as she is to see him. She'd been on a month-long mission with Gajeel. Her clothes were wrinkled and there was a stain on her left cheek but she still managed to look beautiful and God how he missed he-
No. Stop it.
He digs his nails into his palms.
He denies how many nights he's spent imagining how it would feel like to give in, to just kiss her when she smiles at him, to hold her when she's feeling down, to do whatever the hell she wants just so she wouldn't leave him.
Fuck. I said stop it.
Gray was a firm believer in karma. He also believed in the random repetition of occurrences that have plagued him through all the years of his existence. If it happened in the past, he knew it could happen again. 'It' being death. The death of those close to him to be specific. Everyone knew how tragic his earlier years were. They know of his self-inflicted guilt and how he thinks that he is the cause of every misfortune. They know that his fear is not simply exaggerated. They can see it in the way he protects his friends and in the way he throws himself in the face of danger if it meant saving someone he loved. But still people died around him, and Gray's heart slowly hardened.
He's to blame. How can he not be? How do all the important people in his life just die around him?
Gray had already deduced that in all those times, he was the common factor. As a result, it had become an instinct for him to maintain a distance from everyone. That included Juvia.
Most of all Juvia.
I'll be damned to deepest parts of hell if I ever let her die on my watch.
Those were thoughts that plagued him all the time. In his mind, he saw her bleeding, dying, crying out for help. She would call his name in pain. He would be so terrified he wouldn't be able to hold in any food for a good hour. He would see himself powerless, held back by invisible chains as she dies before him. He fears how weak he is in his mind and how utterly useless he is to her. Those were the times he'd train himself to exhaustion.
She practically skips towards him, smiling gently all the way. He knows she's tired and hungry. He also knows that none of that matters to her at the moment, as long as she sees him first. She stops just a few steps from him, aware of how uncomfortable he gets when she gets clingy in public. Juvia has learned long ago to keep her advances slow and gentle, instead of sudden and intense.
She gazes up at him a while longer as if she's waiting for his permission. He shifts awkwardly, unknowingly taking a step towards her.
"Uhh, how was the mission?" He says finally, clearing his throat.
"Juvia had lots of fun Gray-sama! Thanks for asking" She says happily, bouncing at the balls of her feet. Gray tries his hardest not to look at anything besides her eyes." The town was very exotic and everyone spoke weird languages. We encountered a few bad guys a long the way but Gajeel-kun and Juvia handled them. Juvia also managed to buy these for Gray-sama" She chattered on, pausing only to carefully retrieve a small satchel from her pocket. She presented it to him with both hands.
Gray stared at the individual links of the silver chain.
"Juvia remembered that Gray-sama's necklace broke, so she got you this" She said quietly. Juvia looked nervous with her hands outstretched to him, as if she knew that he would likely reject another one of her gifts. He had already done it countless times before.
Gray's really about to lose it. He silently takes the cord from her hand, produces his cross-pendant and wears his necklace once again. He could finally feel the cold metal against his skin after a long time of being without it. Gray nods at Juvia as his sign of thanks, not trusting his voice to utter a sound.
Juvia beams up at him, reaching up to pat his chest where she knows the pendant lies beneath his shirt. Gray flinches a little, surprised at how her hand quells the cold of the metal. He only notices his hand beginning to move when it is already half way up, only inches from her cheek. Gray quickly draws it back, taking two steps backwards.
He can feel himself slipping into that familiar and pleasant feeling of being needed and loved, if only he can let go of the warnings blaring in his head, telling him that this was dangerous territory. Indeed it was dangerous for Gray to ever let Juvia mean something to him. He can handle being her friend, sometimes even her protector. But that was all he could manage.
At least that's what he lets himself believe.
"Would Gray-sama like to get some food?" She asks him shyly, not wanting to intrude on his thoughts. He dumbly nods, still preoccupied with arguing with himself. She turns away from him, taking the direction towards the guild. He sees dried blood on the back of her exposed neck.
Without thinking about it, Gray grabs her hand and turns her to face him. Juvia's expression quickly turns into suprise, her mouth slightly agape.
"Are you hurt? Do you need to see Wendy or something? There's dried blood on your neck-"
"I'm fine Gray-sama" She answers him, squeezing his hand. "It's not my blood" She begins to comfort him, running her thumb over the back of his hand. Gray is relieved. He always panics whenever he sees blood on her. His relief quickly turns into embarrassment when he realizes that he's still holding her hand and has her pressed to his body. Gray lets go of her hand quickly, turning his eyes away to dismiss his earlier actions.
"Sorry" He mutters.
If by some miracle, she does stay with him, Gray was sure that one of these days she would also leave him, in ways that he could not even fathom nor bare to think. This was for the best.
"It's alright Gray-sama. Let's get going" She says to him gently, slowly disentangling herself from him.
Gray reminds himself over and over how much she means absolutely nothing to him.
So when he feels her small hand slowly creep into his, he shuts himself off again. He suppresses the shudder that threatens to flow through his body. He denies the warmth that her palm offers by purposely keeping his temperature cold. Gray gives her one thing though, and that is his compliance.
She may touch him however she likes, but she knows better than to expect him to reciprocate it (unless he initiates it first). The best he can do for her is simply allow her advances. He may grumble or complain in the beginning, but they both know that he would never deprive her of anything, least of all his physical body.
This is something they both acknowledge, something they do not need to verbalize. He ponders on this as she leads him to the guild, like a guardian leading a lost child. And that was what Gray was feeling at the moment.
Lost.
Gray does not understand why Juvia still stays by his side. He does not get why she seeks to touch someone who does not touch her in the same way. What he does know is that Juvia is extremely patient with him, always letting him sift through the motions. With that observation, Gray concludes one thing.
She plans to wear him out. Until he succumbs. Until he can take it no longer.
Gray scoffs at the idea, but deep inside him, panic swells at the admittance that it could happen. Squaring his shoulders, Gray disciplines himself. If Juvia wanted him, she would have to wait it out for a very very long time. If she was extremely patient, then he would be excessively stubborn. With that thoughts he tries to distance himself away from her without letting go of her hand.
As if listening in to his thoughts, Juvia beams at him over her shoulder, her face flushed and her eyes clear. Once again Gray tells himself that she is insignificant. He looks at her passively and denies the ache in his chest. He tells himself that he is not losing. He tells himself that she is nothing to him.
Over and over he recites the words.
"Juvia's so happy to see Gray-sama again"
Hoping that by repeating them in his head, his heart would get the idea and stop racing so fast.