Chyna: Warrior Princess
Episode XVII: The Wall
Disclaimer: The Characters depicted here are property of Titan Sports and Vince. No copyright infringement intended.
In a time of ancient gods, warlords and kings, a land in turmoil cried out for a hero. She was Chyna, a mighty she-male forged in the heat of low- blows. The power…the passion…the danger…her courage will save or destroy the world, either way.
As you might remember from the previous episode, Chyna: Warrior Princess had some funky adventures in Egypt, where she had followed prick boy Jericho, and had absolutely zilch success in ripping his head off. Kitty got bitchy, Jericho turned out to be the Messiah and Chyna learned that infinite love was out to screw her over. She also happened to battle Trish Stratuspatra in an epic cat-fight, but alas, she and our savior got away – and the Warrior Princess is not happy!
Chyna's jaw clenched as she thrashed about in her nightmare, her hands flailing about in an unconscious desire to grab any available weapon and lay out the sidekick she sometimes called friend who was just sitting by, letting her get screwed over by her dark side, over consumption of alcohol and loko weed. Ever since that fateful day in Egypt, Kitty hadn't bothered trying to be nice anymore; she'd let her suffer through every single one of her bad dreams. It really did piss her off.
There was a lot of wailing going on in this dream; upon further review she realized that somehow Billy Gunn had managed to get himself inside her vision, and inexplicably she was clutching lustily at his forbidden fruits with a vicious testicular claw. She sighed, released him and watched as he disappeared in a puff of pink smoke. So much for that. The colors she was seeing flashing before her were probably the result of snorting ambrosia, or so she figured, despite the fact the last time she did that was when she and H.B.K had been having their 'We're so much better than the Savior of this planet' party last week – still, it was potent shit. Either that or Kitty was lacing her food – she wouldn't put it past her. Whoops, Billy is back. What's with the dance he's doing? Maybe that's the key. Maybe I'm going to kill him now. Maybe he's gay, minus the maybe. Problem was, nowadays she could never tell whether she was having visions which were a key to taking down the Messiah Jericho, or whether she was tripping along merrily through a haze of henbane smoke and eating too much cheese before bed. Billy's hair was glowing again; it always inexplicably glowed in the dark, something to do with the sheep dip he was dying with – and now the pair of luscious lips smack bang on his ass were giving a pretty good strobe light effect too. Groovy.
Hunter hadn't actually shown up in the nightmare yet; Chyna muttered and looked at one of the many sundials melting all around her impatiently. She never really got the deal with all the melting sundials and disproportionate horsies. Ah, there was Hunter…in a pink frilly apron?
He scrunched up his face. "I love YOU, Chy-NA!"
***
Chyna sat up in a cold sweat. Kitty looked over from where she was making some suspicious looking cookies. "You okay Chyna?"
"Like it would've killed you to ask me that before Hunter told me he loved me!!!" Chyna shrieked, clutching at her head. Hunter, from where he was grazing, looked up and gave a whiny sounding snort. Chyna flipped the horse off. "Quiet you. What I did to these camels will be nothing compared to what I'll do to you if you ever find you way into my visions and say something so disgusting again."
"Lay off the cheeses before bed, Chyna." Kitty pouted. "And take a bath. You stink."
"I do NOT stink!" Chyna snapped rather defensively. "And stop getting close enough to smell me! I woke up will dribble down my cleavage two days ago and it damn sure wasn't mine!"
"Maybe it was Hunter's." Kitty squeaked.
"I'd have to give that horse a hell of a lot of apples before he felt reconciled enough to do that." Chyna shot back coldly. She sniffed the air. "Is that…is that henbane?"
"No!" Kitty said defensively. "It's chocolate chip."
"It's henbane, isn't it? You're making my illicit drugs into fucking cookies!"
"And so what if I am?!" Kitty retorted. "Whattaya gonna do about it, Princess?"
"What am I gonna do about it?!" Chyna repeated, trying to buy time enough to think about what she was actually going to do about it. "Fuck you!" She stalled.
"Fuck you!" Kitty shouted back.
"Fuck you!" Chyna repeated, still straining to think of something else to throw at her. "You have split ends!"
"You stink!"
Chyna could feel her warrior rage building up inside her, and she rose to stalk away. At least Hunter liked her when she had an apple or two in her hand. Stomping towards a nearby apple tree, she snatched a couple of pieces of the fruit and gave Kitty a 'I-don't-need-your-company-as-long-as-I-can- bribe-my-pony' look; her horse happily clopped towards her, drooling over the fruit. Chyna eyed that drool.
"Maybe you WERE the one with your face stuck in my damn cleavage." She accused her pony. Hunter whinnied in disgust and tried to wrap his teeth around the apple. Chyna sighed. "I don't stink, do I?" She muttered, giving the horse the piece of fruit in disdain. Helmsley shot her a 'Ha-ha-Kitty- is-SO-right!' look.
More bribes. Chyna thought hastily.
***
When Chyna had received the scroll from Road Dogg last week Kitty had not shut up about it; going on and on over how there was no real emergency and he was only sending it because he saw her as his last chance of getting laid seeming his masculinity remained un-preserved. Walking towards the D- Generate Kingdom now, Kitty wasn't letting up an inch about it.
"Well, if you're gonna do the deed, at least take a bath!" Kitty suggested. Chyna gave her an exasperated look.
"Kitty, why would I want to have sex with the Road Dogg?" She pulled a disgusted face, feeding Hunter another apple from the armful she had collected along the path. "I've been in his body; don't think I didn't look. The suspense is gone!"
"Well, it's OBVIOUS he's just dragging us down here to have crazy monkey sex with you." Kitty snapped. "You hussy!"
"Why am I the hussy!?" Chyna demanded. "It's not like I sent the scroll!"
"No, but you're GOING, even though you're fully aware of the whole plot!" Kitty glared at Hunter crunching on his bribes. Stupid horse. Why won't she feed me like that? "So what do you say to that?"
"It's not a plot!" Chyna groaned. "As far as I know, you wrote that scroll just to give yourself something to damn bitch about!"
"Yeah, sure Chyna. Whatever you say."
Kitty didn't really believe Road Dogg wanted to do Chyna at all; maybe X- Pac did, but she'd keep the little scrawny bastard away from Chyna as hard as she possibly could with flicks to the head and kicks up the ass. No, she just wanted Chyna to take a damn bath. Her leathers had remained unwashed since her battle with Syxx, the smell of henbane, cheap mead and cheese permeating them; Kitty tried really hard not the breathe when she was around her, not wanting to take in too many bad smells at the same time. Why did she have to eat so much fucking cheese?!
She crunched on one of her henbane cookies as inconspicuously as she possibly could, noting that up ahead there was a river. Maybe you could classify it as a dam. Okay, an oversized puddle. Whatever. The cookies were doing their diabolical work faster than she had expected to them, and with all inhibitions lost and an evil giggle, Kitty ran at Chyna and shoved her into the brownish water.
Chyna gasped as she went flying into the freezing cold pool, her sword sliding straight out of the scabbard and sinking to the filthy depths. She surfaced, sending the water cascading in all directions.
"My sword!" She shrieked. "Kitty, you utter bitch! You made me lose my sword!"
"Eh, that thing smelled like a bar room whore anyway." Kitty shrugged. "Just like you." She crunched on another of her drug laden biscuits.
"That's MY henbane!" Chyna growled. "Ugh, look at me, I'm filthy. Now I'm going to have to use Road Dogg's disgusting bath house. Damn you!"
"Just an excuse to get him in there with you." Kitty smirked.
"Yeah, well maybe I WILL!" Chyna declared, realizing with a great deal of regret that she now had to back the claim up. Damn. At least she'd made Kitty go a little pale.
***
"What the fuck happened to this place?" Chyna demanded as she stepped through the gates of Road Dogg's palace. "What, did the people who sell that home improvement crap on 'Good Morning Atlantis' invade or something? Are you having doubts about your sexuality?"
Road Dogg glared. "No. Billy Gunn taking over my Kingdom. Remember?"
Chyna blinked. "Ohhh."
This was actually enough to scare the Warrior Princess. The walls were the brightest, scariest yellow she had ever seen in her entire life; the only plus she could think of is that for the first time ever, the place looked really quite tidy. "So what you're telling me is that you haven't been able to get Billy to fuck off after all this time? And yet you invite me over for a visit?" She smacked Road Dogg about the back of the head. "Idiot!"
"I don't know, I kind of like it." Kitty mused, devouring another cookie. Chyna shot her a look.
"You would."
"Hey, this isn't a social visit, I really do have an emergency!" Road Dogg said. Kitty's smile turned rather nasty.
"Yes, you do have an emergency, your masculinity is dying and you need Chyna to rescue it!" She began giggling; Chyna mouthed the word 'henbane fucking cookies' over to the stunned Road Dogg, who didn't quite catch all of it, but still caught the gist after he watched Kitty practically inhale another one. He rolled his eyes, before wincing at the huge, wet, filthy puddle Chyna was standing in.
"What the hell happened to you?"
Chyna looked scary. "Don't ask. Just don't ask."
"Billy is totally gonna get pissed about you desecrating his floors." Road Dogg paused. "Wanna run three laps of the place?"
"Get stuffed." Chyna muttered, as Mr. Ass himself came prancing in the room, a crisp pair of hot pink shorts under his hideous yellow cloak. He gaped at the dreadful, dreadful state of the warrior woman, and then the dreadful state of his precious floor.
"What in the hell?" He demanded. "Chyna, you will go and take a bath right now!"
"Yes, yes I will." Chyna declared, suddenly remembering her plan to piss Kitty right off. "And Road Dogg will be joining me!"
"He will?" Kitty asked through brutally clenched teeth.
"I will?" Road Dogg looked at Chyna confusedly. "Chyna, I don't think you really wanna be using the bath house at this point in time."
"Look at me Road Dogg. Yes I damn do!"
"But Chyna…" He began. Chyna grabbed him by the hair.
"No buts." She snapped. Bwahahaha. You wanna project 'infinite love', Kitty? Well, suck on this!
***
Chyna quickly understood Road Dogg's apprehension about going to the baths at this point in time; if he had just managed to get out 'Chyna, Aysa and Stone Cold have been sitting in there, getting drunk for the past hour', then making Kitty hideously jealous wouldn't have seemed like such a good idea. But it was far too late for that now. Opening the door to the bath chamber without knocking, Chyna shuddered in horror as Austin waved enthusiastically, raising his Steveweiser with his right hand and flipping her off with the left.
"Road Dogg." She said quietly, a vein in her forehead starting to throb. "Why didn't you simply utter the word 'drunken pothead' before we entered? Why? Why?!"
Road Dogg looked afraid. "You scare me!"
"That's no fucking excuse to force me to bathe with a drunken hick and a she-male!" She shrieked. Giving up, she sighed, shrugged it off and started taking off her armor and leathers.
"Oh, Chyna!" Road Dogg blushed.
"Well, I AM pretty filthy. Being shoved in a filth encrusted cest pool will do that to you." She raised an eyebrow. "Don't be shy, it's not like I haven't seen your equipment before."
"You looked?!" Road Dogg demanded. "That's going against body exchange privacy policy!"
"So sue me." She shrugged, stepping into the hot water. Austin hooted and hollered like the idiot he was.
"Yeah, take it off baby!" He gurgled through his beer. Chyna looked at him flatly.
"I HAVE taken it off, you fuckwit. One could only presume you're talking to him."
"One more comment like that and the D-O-double-G is leaving this room, dawgee style!" Road Dogg snapped as he pulled off his trousers rather awkwardly. Austin made no attempt to justify what he had just said; he downed the last of his beer and reached for another one as Road Dogg hopped into the bath.
"It's not fair." Chyna pouted. "You're getting more 'take if off's' than me."
"Quit it!" Road Dogg said rather dangerously, splashing her and sending water cascading all over Aysa. Aysa's eyes narrowed, and before Road Dogg could utter a word she grabbed his head and sent it hurtling towards the water, viciously trying to drown him. Chyna winced at being in the middle of it.
"Oh, this is lovely." She muttered. "Where's the soap?"
"I'd be sitting on it." Aysa said gruffly as Road Dogg bobbed about, struggling haplessly under her muscular forearm. Stone Cold giggled inanely.
"I'm sorry!" Road Dogg wheezed, as Chyna tackled Aysa in an effort to remove her from the soap in which she had possession of. Aysa stopped trying to submerge the Road Kill Jesse Jammes at this point, spinning and catching Chyna in a most vicious nipple twister. She squeaked.
"Oh, that is karma alright." Road Dogg gasped, his face a pretty shade of blue. Chyna tried frantically to dis-attach the vicious, vicious blond harpy, but it was to no avail.
"Road Dogg…" She moaned. "Help me!"
"Oh alright." Road Dogg replied begrudgingly, very delicately trying to rip Asya's fingers from Chyna's poor bruised nipple. Aysa snarled, shot out her other arm and caught Road Dogg in exactly the same move.
"Some help you are!" Chyna muttered, debating whether she should try to wrench Aysa clear or low-blow the Dogg for failing. Nah. He was already getting abused – it saved her from having to do it. The fact he was still being abused even when she was incapable consoled her slightly in her nipple gripple hell.
"Damn you wannabes!" Chyna growled, palming Aysa viciously in the forehead and sending her splashing backwards into the steaming water, releasing her double death grip. "Don't you dare steal my moves. If I ever see you giving someone a low-blow then you die." She fawned over her poor nipple, and shot Aysa a dark look. "That was not an invitation for you to low-blow anyone here, either. Unless it's Austin."
Road Dogg's eyes were misty, from tears of joy or tears of agony one will never know. "Chyna, you defended me! You didn't give her permission to low- blow me! Thanks buddy!"
"That honor belongs to ME." Chyna shrugged.
Road Dogg paused, then gave a double thumbs up. "Whatever!"
***
Chyna soaped up her hair vigorously as X-Pac sat next to her in the tub. Now she had Road Dogg sitting to the left of her and X-Pac to the right – kinda funny how that seemed natural, being surrounded by naked D-Generates. She looked over at X-Pac.
"Kitty is gonna have a fit when she realizes you're in here." Chyna dumped a pitcher of water unceremoniously on his head. "That, of course, is the only reason I'm allowing you to stay." She paused for breath. "Which brings me to my second point. What exactly are you doing in here?"
"I'm reaaaaaally drunk." X-Pac responded. "Seriously!"
"I don't too much doubt that." Road Dogg sighed.
"I didn't think you drank." Chyna said with a raised eyebrow. X-Pac giggled and grabbed one of Austin's Steveweisers.
"Hey, with the harpy around, who wouldn't?"
X-Pac hadn't really seemed to notice that Aysa hadn't exactly exited the room, she and Austin just happened to be sitting on the other side of the large bath. Chyna watched her eyes narrow, and sighed. She never suspected it was Austin who'd be jumping the nude D-Generate beside her.
"Ya skinny bastard!" Austin said ominously, hitting X-Pac with soggy right hands, beer splattering everywhere. "Don't be calling my woman a harpy!"
"Your woman?" Chyna rolled her eyes. "You get around, don't you? Although…" She eyed the number of beer mugs surrounding the pair. "I'd say it's a match made in Elysia." She grabbed a cup of wine from the large spread of alcoholic beverages strewn about the tub. "I'm telling you Road Dogg, you really should've given up on the whole 'D-Generate' thing. Aysa and Billy are bad enough, but now you've got Austin to contend with. I would've killed something by now."
"Well, resorting to alcoholism eases the pain." Road Dogg said. Chyna eyed X-Pac being assaulted by the drunken Austin.
"It aint easing his." With a sigh, Chyna stuck out her bare leg and landed the low-blow of the century on Austin. "And it definitely didn't do anything to ease that."
"Oooooooh." X-Pac oohed, as Austin waded back to the other side clutching his balls. Chyna looked rather self righteous as she washed the soap from her hair, before she gave X-Pac a nasty look.
"Get your hand off my ass."
"Drunk!" X-Pac said loudly. Chyna looked cold, then pointed to her fist.
"Black eye!"
"Point taken…" X-Pac retreated. Chyna then shot a cold look at Road Dogg.
"You too."
Road Dogg looked suitably guilty. "…Sorry."
X-Pac began to giggle, a giggle which Chyna's glance mysteriously turned to a pathetic cough. There was a great deal of tension swirling about like the bath water, which kind of made the Warrior Princess think that she'd never be having a bath at Road Dogg's place again; unless of course, he invited her to one of his lovely little porn and prawn nights. She grimaced. With Billy around she figured there wouldn't be many of these again, the damn girlie bastard. Speaking of girlie bastards.
"What the hell are you all doing in there?!" Billy demanded, striding into the room. Kane followed with what appeared to be a towel and a rubber duckie; Chyna gave him a look.
"Some monster."
"I'm a monster." Kane replied sheepishly.
"Aysa, are you gonna give me one of these ass massages or what?" Billy demanded, ignoring everything else around him. Aysa shrugged her muscular shoulders, Chyna shuddered, then turned to the Dogg.
"Oh yeah, I almost forgot. What's this big emergency?"
"Oh, that." Road Dogg said. He suddenly looked rather nervous. "Well Chyna, apparently Vince the Barbarian has been conquered by Ric Flair of the uncharted Lands of Nitro, and well…they're heading this way and we need you to defend the walls."
Chyna looked at him flatly. "I'm sitting in a bath with you for that?"
Road Dogg raised an eyebrow. "Well, how about some casual sex?"
"Kitty was right!" Chyna exclaimed, dunking Road Dogg's head in the water much like Aysa had previously. "Whoever would have thunk it?"
***
"Road Dogg." Chyna growled, standing outside the palace, her wet hair clinging to her face. "When you said 'defend the walls' I kind of figured you had walls to defend, you know?"
The palace defence mechanism was crumbled all around them; covered in mud, she noticed a few cow skeletons scattered through the wreckage.
"Yes, well…" Road Dogg begun. "Do you remember when I told you about Billy's invasion?"
"Oh hell." Chyna muttered, cradling her face in her palm. "So now what?"
"Well, I was kinda hoping you would…"
"Build another wall." Chyna snapped abruptly. Road Dogg nodded.
"Yeah, how'd you know?"
Chyna gave him a cold look. "How many days away is Flair?"
Road Dogg looked thoughtful. "Um…I'd say a day."
"A day?!" Chyna spat, staring at the disrepair around her. "You expect me to fix this in a day?!"
"Well…you'd have help." Road Dogg scratched his ear. "I mean, me and X-Pac would help. And Kane."
"What about Aysa?" Chyna asked suspiciously. "Isn't she one of these Nitro Troglodytes? Wouldn't she want Ric Flair to invade?"
"Come to think about it, yeah, she would!" Road Dogg scratched his chin thoughtfully at the revelation; Chyna rolled her eyes.
"I can't believe you didn't consider that possibility. Idiot." Muttering to herself, she strode forward. "I'll go and head Flair off myself. You stay here and start on the wall." She paused. "Right after I take back my fucking Henbane cookies!" At Road Dogg's disapproving glance, she curled her upper lip and stomped towards the stable. "Fine, I'm going, but I owe you a major low-blow when I get back."
***
The hinges went flying from the High Council chamber's door for about the millionth time as Chyna came thundering through the wreckage, her eyes darting about for signs of poultry, Mean Street Posses or an aging barbarian in furry underwear waving about a club with obvious phallic symbolism. Grunting, her boots crunching across the remains of the door, Chyna rested her hand lightly on her Chakram.
"Come out, come out." She muttered, looking around. "I'm in no mood for any bullshit."
A meek voice sounded from behind a couch. "Okay Princess...just don't split my skull in the blink of an eye like you've threatened before."
A familiar blond head poked out from behind the furniture, and upon spotting long blond looks Chyna felt the incredible urge to fling her Chakram, being reminded of Jericho's sniveling little features. But controlling her crazy urge, she noted it was not our Messiah, but simply Christian. However, her left eye still bugged out slightly at the sight of him.
"What are you doing there, you scabby little reptile?"
"I work here!" Christian said rather indignantly, pointing at his…pink frilly apron? Chyna gaped…it was the same apron from her vision! Fearing that at any moment he was going to scrunch up his face and whine out some infinite love, the thought of laying the smack down on his frilly ass momentarily crossed her mind.
"As what?!" She demanded.
"I'm Vince's secretary." Said Christian sheepishly. "I mean, it's not my occupation of choice, but after that Trish woman resigned and all…"
Chyna gaped again, pulling a perfect 'X-Pac and Road Dogg in utter shock' pose. "Trish? Trish who?"
"Why does that matter?" Christian pouted. Chyna clenched her jaw and grabbed Chrissy by the hair.
"Tell me!" She snarled.
"Er, um…" Christian struggled feebly. "Trish…Stratus? Strobus? Something like that. She apparently left when Vince asked if he could spank her…"
"She left so she could fucking well head me off to Egypt and save the Messiah from me!" Chyna declared, stamping her feet like an irate toddler. "If I had my way I would've ripped every hair from her head!"
"Oh my." Said Christian. "What a pity. But Chyna, tell me…why are you wanting to kill our Messiah?"
"Because." Chyna said flatly. "Our Messiah is Chris Jericho."
"That really is cruel fate." Christian sighed. "So what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be out there, you know, doing your violence thing?"
"I'd love to be doing that, but unfortunately, I've gotta stop Ric Flair from passing a non-existent wall. You. Come with me."
"But Chyna…" Christian whined. "Every time you say that something horrible happens to me!"
"Something horrible happen will alright if you don't move your ass."
***
Saying that the reconstruction of the wall was going badly would be an understatement. Kitty, who's jaw was jutting as prominently as Chyna's at this point, held her spatula with an iron fist, flicking little bits of badly mixed, muddy cement at Road Dogg and X-Pac whenever the opportunity arose, and that was often. X-Pac, grabbing at a huge hunk of runny mud from his hair for the tenth time that afternoon, narrowed his eyes so viciously at the bard he almost resembled his son Syxx on a bad day.
"What is your problem?!" He demanded, flinging the filth to the ground.
"I accidentally spilt some cement."
"That was an amazing spill!" Stone Cold commented from where he was lying drunkenly in the shade, a Steveweiser in his flailing grasp. "You sort of…just picked up a hunk of mud and threw it violently at the skinny bastard's head. Amazing!"
Kitty smiled serenely before flicking another lump at the passing Road Dogg. "Whoops, it seems to have happened again!" Road Dogg looked very un- amused as wet dirt slid lazily down his cheek and plopped onto his shirt. "You know, I'd advise you two should take a bath, but seeming Chyna's not here, you wouldn't be interested would you? Maybe a change of clothing then."
"You think you can tell me what to do, you think you can tell me what to wear?!" X-Pac shrieked, x-chopping at an amazingly fast pace. "You think you're better?!"
"Hey, that was pretty good." Said Road Dogg. "I should write that down."
Kane came lumbering into view, a huge boulder in his grip, and although it wasn't obvious, one could assume he had a very pissed off look on his face. Even Austin knew better and to keep his stupid comments to himself, and retired back to quietly pouring beer down his throat and then bashing the cans on his bald head. Flinging the enormous rock at Kitty's feet, she raised her eyebrows.
"Well, put it on the wall."
X-Pac gulped, figuring Kane would go catatonic and drive Kitty through the aforementioned wall; hoping he wouldn't because that meant mixing more mud, although half had been wasted and was currently splattered all over his weedy body. But Kane sighed, and lifting the heavy object back up, walked over to where the shabby looking walls were starting to form around the palace. Road Dogg looked half relieved and half disappointed, as a wagon came rolling into view, and a man jumped out in a very poor recreation of Julius Caesar's armor. Kitty immediately put on her nicest face.
"Yes? Can we help you?"
The man scowled. "My name is Kurt Angleus Maximus." Pulling out a parchment from his belt, he continued. "I'm here with the arrest warrant for a one 'Chyna: Warrior Princess' for attempted murder of our Messiah." He paused to scratch his nose. "The penalty is death, it's true. It's damn true."
Kitty eyed the girth of the centurion's neck, and sensed the danger. "Fancy that."
"Have you seen her?"
"Me?" Kitty giggled. "Why would Chyna want to associate with peasants like us? We're merely building a wall."
"That's the wall to a registered kingdom." Said Kurt Angleus, eyeing Road Dogg. "And you're the lord of that registered kingdom."
"So I am." Road Dogg mused. "Imagine. Still doesn't mean I have anything to do with Chyna."
"Well, I beg to differ." Kurt replied, pulling from his belt what appeared to be the Saga of Two Kingdoms, recently put into print by Miss Kitty. Kitty's winced as he unrolled the parchment to a very detailed account of everything that went down, including names, illustrations and a large image of Miss Kitty holding her quill and winking in the bonus 'about the bard' scroll. X-Pac's eyes bugged. But there was more. He also appeared to be carrying an 'Olympic Riot' scroll, a 'Epic battle with Taker in the mud pit' scroll, a 'Hunter has hemorrhoids special addition' scroll and a Chyna action figure. Kitty eyed the action figure in disdain.
"Well okay, fine, you can put all the scrolls down to me…but you can't blame me for that ugly thing!"
Kurt turned the muscular doll over in his hands. "No, this is a genuine copy of an expensive fake."
"Do I have an action figure?" X-Pac asked weakly; Kitty shot him a look, and he shut his mouth.
"Alright, so you've figured we have some attachment to Chyna." Kitty shot, her niceness quickly evaporating. "That doesn't mean we know where she is. She could be anywhere."
"That's true." Kurt didn't look overly upset. "Still doesn't mean I'm not going to arrest you all. It's true."
"What did we do?!" Kitty demanded, flinging down her spatula and amazingly still managing to hit X-Pac and Road Dogg with a double whammy of mud. Kurt looked thoughtful.
"It's quite obvious you're all against our Messiah and in this 'worshippers of HBK' cult." He thrust the 'Olympic Riot' scroll in Kitty's face. "Some of the depictions of Jericho here are simply not called for!"
"I was just going by what he said." Said Kitty meekly, pointing at X-Pac with a rigid finger.
"What did you expect, the guy got me killed!" X-Pac muttered, waving his arms about. Kane cradled his face in his palm and shook his head; it all was going so badly.
"I've had enough of this. Integrity, intensity and intelligence. That's what Jericho stands for. It's true. And what does HBK stand for?"
"Heart Break Kid?" Kitty offered.
"Free turnips, free beer and half price resurrections?" X-Pac suggested lamely.
"Whattaya mean, integrity, intensity and intelligence?!" Road Dogg snapped, pushing in front of the Little Green D-Generate. "C'mon, I was at the Olympics. The most intelligent, intense and integral thing he did when he was there was steal Mr. Ass' chariot and make a get away before I ripped his damn head off."
"Confession!" Kurt announced loudly, grabbing Road Dogg and putting him in a horrendous looking hammer lock. Jesse yelped. "You tried to kill our Messiah!"
"He killed him!" Road Dogg wheezed, gesturing towards the stunned 'Pac and struggling against the beefy centurion's hold. "He and his she-male tried to kill me!"
Kitty delicately approached the situation as she approached most situations like this; she grabbed a shovel and smacked Angleus across the back. "Knock it off, you nasty critter!" She spat, pushing a strand of dyed black hair from her face. Kurt turned and he looked rather pissed.
"Assaulting an officer!" Kurt declared, charging the bard. Kitty squealed and fled, Kurt chasing her around the barely started wall; Austin gurgled his beer in delight from where he was retreating back into the palace. Eventually grabbing a handful of her hair he wrenched her backwards, Kane hastily grabbing Kurt and pulling him off the shrieking bard. Into the wall he hurtled, powered by Kane's forearm; Road Dogg moaned in anguish.
"What a waste of an afternoon."
"And now we're gonna die!" X-Pac sobbed. Kurt struggled up from a mess of broken rocks and muddy cement, and he looked more pissed off than he did previously, if at all possible. Lunging, he grabbed X-Pac and Road Dogg's heads and clunked them together, before spinning like a bat out of hell and collecting Kane in a Denver Bronco's like tackle which sent them crashing into the ground, Kurt squealing and smacking Kane mercilessly in the head with a rather pointy rock; Kitty noted hastily that it looked like an uncomfortable thing to have to endure. Kane looked really quite helpless and really quite like the Undertaker in the mud pit after he had taken a nasty kick to his demonic balls and so Kitty bounded forward and smacked Kurt straight up the ass with her patented 'shovel low blow'. Down he went.
"Wow, you beat Angleus!" X-Pac said enthusiastically, crawling from the ground. Kitty stood proud and tall, her shovel tightly in her grip.
"Ooh." Kane groaned, swaying slightly. "That really hurt!" X-Pac pulled a sympathetic face.
"Well, there's nothing to fear anymore, my large red friend!" Kitty proclaimed heroically. A claim which lasted about ten seconds, as about ten more wagons suddenly rolled into view, all carrying very pissed looking centurions. All four sets of eyes fell on the battered Kurt lying in a mess of badly mixed cement.
"Maybe we could say he just slipped and hit his head." Kitty barely whispered.
"Maybe we could say a shovel magically leapt up and crammed itself up his ass." Road Dogg said poignantly. X-Pac's lip quibbled.
"We're still all gonna die!"
To be Continued
"
Episode XVII: The Wall
Disclaimer: The Characters depicted here are property of Titan Sports and Vince. No copyright infringement intended.
In a time of ancient gods, warlords and kings, a land in turmoil cried out for a hero. She was Chyna, a mighty she-male forged in the heat of low- blows. The power…the passion…the danger…her courage will save or destroy the world, either way.
As you might remember from the previous episode, Chyna: Warrior Princess had some funky adventures in Egypt, where she had followed prick boy Jericho, and had absolutely zilch success in ripping his head off. Kitty got bitchy, Jericho turned out to be the Messiah and Chyna learned that infinite love was out to screw her over. She also happened to battle Trish Stratuspatra in an epic cat-fight, but alas, she and our savior got away – and the Warrior Princess is not happy!
Chyna's jaw clenched as she thrashed about in her nightmare, her hands flailing about in an unconscious desire to grab any available weapon and lay out the sidekick she sometimes called friend who was just sitting by, letting her get screwed over by her dark side, over consumption of alcohol and loko weed. Ever since that fateful day in Egypt, Kitty hadn't bothered trying to be nice anymore; she'd let her suffer through every single one of her bad dreams. It really did piss her off.
There was a lot of wailing going on in this dream; upon further review she realized that somehow Billy Gunn had managed to get himself inside her vision, and inexplicably she was clutching lustily at his forbidden fruits with a vicious testicular claw. She sighed, released him and watched as he disappeared in a puff of pink smoke. So much for that. The colors she was seeing flashing before her were probably the result of snorting ambrosia, or so she figured, despite the fact the last time she did that was when she and H.B.K had been having their 'We're so much better than the Savior of this planet' party last week – still, it was potent shit. Either that or Kitty was lacing her food – she wouldn't put it past her. Whoops, Billy is back. What's with the dance he's doing? Maybe that's the key. Maybe I'm going to kill him now. Maybe he's gay, minus the maybe. Problem was, nowadays she could never tell whether she was having visions which were a key to taking down the Messiah Jericho, or whether she was tripping along merrily through a haze of henbane smoke and eating too much cheese before bed. Billy's hair was glowing again; it always inexplicably glowed in the dark, something to do with the sheep dip he was dying with – and now the pair of luscious lips smack bang on his ass were giving a pretty good strobe light effect too. Groovy.
Hunter hadn't actually shown up in the nightmare yet; Chyna muttered and looked at one of the many sundials melting all around her impatiently. She never really got the deal with all the melting sundials and disproportionate horsies. Ah, there was Hunter…in a pink frilly apron?
He scrunched up his face. "I love YOU, Chy-NA!"
***
Chyna sat up in a cold sweat. Kitty looked over from where she was making some suspicious looking cookies. "You okay Chyna?"
"Like it would've killed you to ask me that before Hunter told me he loved me!!!" Chyna shrieked, clutching at her head. Hunter, from where he was grazing, looked up and gave a whiny sounding snort. Chyna flipped the horse off. "Quiet you. What I did to these camels will be nothing compared to what I'll do to you if you ever find you way into my visions and say something so disgusting again."
"Lay off the cheeses before bed, Chyna." Kitty pouted. "And take a bath. You stink."
"I do NOT stink!" Chyna snapped rather defensively. "And stop getting close enough to smell me! I woke up will dribble down my cleavage two days ago and it damn sure wasn't mine!"
"Maybe it was Hunter's." Kitty squeaked.
"I'd have to give that horse a hell of a lot of apples before he felt reconciled enough to do that." Chyna shot back coldly. She sniffed the air. "Is that…is that henbane?"
"No!" Kitty said defensively. "It's chocolate chip."
"It's henbane, isn't it? You're making my illicit drugs into fucking cookies!"
"And so what if I am?!" Kitty retorted. "Whattaya gonna do about it, Princess?"
"What am I gonna do about it?!" Chyna repeated, trying to buy time enough to think about what she was actually going to do about it. "Fuck you!" She stalled.
"Fuck you!" Kitty shouted back.
"Fuck you!" Chyna repeated, still straining to think of something else to throw at her. "You have split ends!"
"You stink!"
Chyna could feel her warrior rage building up inside her, and she rose to stalk away. At least Hunter liked her when she had an apple or two in her hand. Stomping towards a nearby apple tree, she snatched a couple of pieces of the fruit and gave Kitty a 'I-don't-need-your-company-as-long-as-I-can- bribe-my-pony' look; her horse happily clopped towards her, drooling over the fruit. Chyna eyed that drool.
"Maybe you WERE the one with your face stuck in my damn cleavage." She accused her pony. Hunter whinnied in disgust and tried to wrap his teeth around the apple. Chyna sighed. "I don't stink, do I?" She muttered, giving the horse the piece of fruit in disdain. Helmsley shot her a 'Ha-ha-Kitty- is-SO-right!' look.
More bribes. Chyna thought hastily.
***
When Chyna had received the scroll from Road Dogg last week Kitty had not shut up about it; going on and on over how there was no real emergency and he was only sending it because he saw her as his last chance of getting laid seeming his masculinity remained un-preserved. Walking towards the D- Generate Kingdom now, Kitty wasn't letting up an inch about it.
"Well, if you're gonna do the deed, at least take a bath!" Kitty suggested. Chyna gave her an exasperated look.
"Kitty, why would I want to have sex with the Road Dogg?" She pulled a disgusted face, feeding Hunter another apple from the armful she had collected along the path. "I've been in his body; don't think I didn't look. The suspense is gone!"
"Well, it's OBVIOUS he's just dragging us down here to have crazy monkey sex with you." Kitty snapped. "You hussy!"
"Why am I the hussy!?" Chyna demanded. "It's not like I sent the scroll!"
"No, but you're GOING, even though you're fully aware of the whole plot!" Kitty glared at Hunter crunching on his bribes. Stupid horse. Why won't she feed me like that? "So what do you say to that?"
"It's not a plot!" Chyna groaned. "As far as I know, you wrote that scroll just to give yourself something to damn bitch about!"
"Yeah, sure Chyna. Whatever you say."
Kitty didn't really believe Road Dogg wanted to do Chyna at all; maybe X- Pac did, but she'd keep the little scrawny bastard away from Chyna as hard as she possibly could with flicks to the head and kicks up the ass. No, she just wanted Chyna to take a damn bath. Her leathers had remained unwashed since her battle with Syxx, the smell of henbane, cheap mead and cheese permeating them; Kitty tried really hard not the breathe when she was around her, not wanting to take in too many bad smells at the same time. Why did she have to eat so much fucking cheese?!
She crunched on one of her henbane cookies as inconspicuously as she possibly could, noting that up ahead there was a river. Maybe you could classify it as a dam. Okay, an oversized puddle. Whatever. The cookies were doing their diabolical work faster than she had expected to them, and with all inhibitions lost and an evil giggle, Kitty ran at Chyna and shoved her into the brownish water.
Chyna gasped as she went flying into the freezing cold pool, her sword sliding straight out of the scabbard and sinking to the filthy depths. She surfaced, sending the water cascading in all directions.
"My sword!" She shrieked. "Kitty, you utter bitch! You made me lose my sword!"
"Eh, that thing smelled like a bar room whore anyway." Kitty shrugged. "Just like you." She crunched on another of her drug laden biscuits.
"That's MY henbane!" Chyna growled. "Ugh, look at me, I'm filthy. Now I'm going to have to use Road Dogg's disgusting bath house. Damn you!"
"Just an excuse to get him in there with you." Kitty smirked.
"Yeah, well maybe I WILL!" Chyna declared, realizing with a great deal of regret that she now had to back the claim up. Damn. At least she'd made Kitty go a little pale.
***
"What the fuck happened to this place?" Chyna demanded as she stepped through the gates of Road Dogg's palace. "What, did the people who sell that home improvement crap on 'Good Morning Atlantis' invade or something? Are you having doubts about your sexuality?"
Road Dogg glared. "No. Billy Gunn taking over my Kingdom. Remember?"
Chyna blinked. "Ohhh."
This was actually enough to scare the Warrior Princess. The walls were the brightest, scariest yellow she had ever seen in her entire life; the only plus she could think of is that for the first time ever, the place looked really quite tidy. "So what you're telling me is that you haven't been able to get Billy to fuck off after all this time? And yet you invite me over for a visit?" She smacked Road Dogg about the back of the head. "Idiot!"
"I don't know, I kind of like it." Kitty mused, devouring another cookie. Chyna shot her a look.
"You would."
"Hey, this isn't a social visit, I really do have an emergency!" Road Dogg said. Kitty's smile turned rather nasty.
"Yes, you do have an emergency, your masculinity is dying and you need Chyna to rescue it!" She began giggling; Chyna mouthed the word 'henbane fucking cookies' over to the stunned Road Dogg, who didn't quite catch all of it, but still caught the gist after he watched Kitty practically inhale another one. He rolled his eyes, before wincing at the huge, wet, filthy puddle Chyna was standing in.
"What the hell happened to you?"
Chyna looked scary. "Don't ask. Just don't ask."
"Billy is totally gonna get pissed about you desecrating his floors." Road Dogg paused. "Wanna run three laps of the place?"
"Get stuffed." Chyna muttered, as Mr. Ass himself came prancing in the room, a crisp pair of hot pink shorts under his hideous yellow cloak. He gaped at the dreadful, dreadful state of the warrior woman, and then the dreadful state of his precious floor.
"What in the hell?" He demanded. "Chyna, you will go and take a bath right now!"
"Yes, yes I will." Chyna declared, suddenly remembering her plan to piss Kitty right off. "And Road Dogg will be joining me!"
"He will?" Kitty asked through brutally clenched teeth.
"I will?" Road Dogg looked at Chyna confusedly. "Chyna, I don't think you really wanna be using the bath house at this point in time."
"Look at me Road Dogg. Yes I damn do!"
"But Chyna…" He began. Chyna grabbed him by the hair.
"No buts." She snapped. Bwahahaha. You wanna project 'infinite love', Kitty? Well, suck on this!
***
Chyna quickly understood Road Dogg's apprehension about going to the baths at this point in time; if he had just managed to get out 'Chyna, Aysa and Stone Cold have been sitting in there, getting drunk for the past hour', then making Kitty hideously jealous wouldn't have seemed like such a good idea. But it was far too late for that now. Opening the door to the bath chamber without knocking, Chyna shuddered in horror as Austin waved enthusiastically, raising his Steveweiser with his right hand and flipping her off with the left.
"Road Dogg." She said quietly, a vein in her forehead starting to throb. "Why didn't you simply utter the word 'drunken pothead' before we entered? Why? Why?!"
Road Dogg looked afraid. "You scare me!"
"That's no fucking excuse to force me to bathe with a drunken hick and a she-male!" She shrieked. Giving up, she sighed, shrugged it off and started taking off her armor and leathers.
"Oh, Chyna!" Road Dogg blushed.
"Well, I AM pretty filthy. Being shoved in a filth encrusted cest pool will do that to you." She raised an eyebrow. "Don't be shy, it's not like I haven't seen your equipment before."
"You looked?!" Road Dogg demanded. "That's going against body exchange privacy policy!"
"So sue me." She shrugged, stepping into the hot water. Austin hooted and hollered like the idiot he was.
"Yeah, take it off baby!" He gurgled through his beer. Chyna looked at him flatly.
"I HAVE taken it off, you fuckwit. One could only presume you're talking to him."
"One more comment like that and the D-O-double-G is leaving this room, dawgee style!" Road Dogg snapped as he pulled off his trousers rather awkwardly. Austin made no attempt to justify what he had just said; he downed the last of his beer and reached for another one as Road Dogg hopped into the bath.
"It's not fair." Chyna pouted. "You're getting more 'take if off's' than me."
"Quit it!" Road Dogg said rather dangerously, splashing her and sending water cascading all over Aysa. Aysa's eyes narrowed, and before Road Dogg could utter a word she grabbed his head and sent it hurtling towards the water, viciously trying to drown him. Chyna winced at being in the middle of it.
"Oh, this is lovely." She muttered. "Where's the soap?"
"I'd be sitting on it." Aysa said gruffly as Road Dogg bobbed about, struggling haplessly under her muscular forearm. Stone Cold giggled inanely.
"I'm sorry!" Road Dogg wheezed, as Chyna tackled Aysa in an effort to remove her from the soap in which she had possession of. Aysa stopped trying to submerge the Road Kill Jesse Jammes at this point, spinning and catching Chyna in a most vicious nipple twister. She squeaked.
"Oh, that is karma alright." Road Dogg gasped, his face a pretty shade of blue. Chyna tried frantically to dis-attach the vicious, vicious blond harpy, but it was to no avail.
"Road Dogg…" She moaned. "Help me!"
"Oh alright." Road Dogg replied begrudgingly, very delicately trying to rip Asya's fingers from Chyna's poor bruised nipple. Aysa snarled, shot out her other arm and caught Road Dogg in exactly the same move.
"Some help you are!" Chyna muttered, debating whether she should try to wrench Aysa clear or low-blow the Dogg for failing. Nah. He was already getting abused – it saved her from having to do it. The fact he was still being abused even when she was incapable consoled her slightly in her nipple gripple hell.
"Damn you wannabes!" Chyna growled, palming Aysa viciously in the forehead and sending her splashing backwards into the steaming water, releasing her double death grip. "Don't you dare steal my moves. If I ever see you giving someone a low-blow then you die." She fawned over her poor nipple, and shot Aysa a dark look. "That was not an invitation for you to low-blow anyone here, either. Unless it's Austin."
Road Dogg's eyes were misty, from tears of joy or tears of agony one will never know. "Chyna, you defended me! You didn't give her permission to low- blow me! Thanks buddy!"
"That honor belongs to ME." Chyna shrugged.
Road Dogg paused, then gave a double thumbs up. "Whatever!"
***
Chyna soaped up her hair vigorously as X-Pac sat next to her in the tub. Now she had Road Dogg sitting to the left of her and X-Pac to the right – kinda funny how that seemed natural, being surrounded by naked D-Generates. She looked over at X-Pac.
"Kitty is gonna have a fit when she realizes you're in here." Chyna dumped a pitcher of water unceremoniously on his head. "That, of course, is the only reason I'm allowing you to stay." She paused for breath. "Which brings me to my second point. What exactly are you doing in here?"
"I'm reaaaaaally drunk." X-Pac responded. "Seriously!"
"I don't too much doubt that." Road Dogg sighed.
"I didn't think you drank." Chyna said with a raised eyebrow. X-Pac giggled and grabbed one of Austin's Steveweisers.
"Hey, with the harpy around, who wouldn't?"
X-Pac hadn't really seemed to notice that Aysa hadn't exactly exited the room, she and Austin just happened to be sitting on the other side of the large bath. Chyna watched her eyes narrow, and sighed. She never suspected it was Austin who'd be jumping the nude D-Generate beside her.
"Ya skinny bastard!" Austin said ominously, hitting X-Pac with soggy right hands, beer splattering everywhere. "Don't be calling my woman a harpy!"
"Your woman?" Chyna rolled her eyes. "You get around, don't you? Although…" She eyed the number of beer mugs surrounding the pair. "I'd say it's a match made in Elysia." She grabbed a cup of wine from the large spread of alcoholic beverages strewn about the tub. "I'm telling you Road Dogg, you really should've given up on the whole 'D-Generate' thing. Aysa and Billy are bad enough, but now you've got Austin to contend with. I would've killed something by now."
"Well, resorting to alcoholism eases the pain." Road Dogg said. Chyna eyed X-Pac being assaulted by the drunken Austin.
"It aint easing his." With a sigh, Chyna stuck out her bare leg and landed the low-blow of the century on Austin. "And it definitely didn't do anything to ease that."
"Oooooooh." X-Pac oohed, as Austin waded back to the other side clutching his balls. Chyna looked rather self righteous as she washed the soap from her hair, before she gave X-Pac a nasty look.
"Get your hand off my ass."
"Drunk!" X-Pac said loudly. Chyna looked cold, then pointed to her fist.
"Black eye!"
"Point taken…" X-Pac retreated. Chyna then shot a cold look at Road Dogg.
"You too."
Road Dogg looked suitably guilty. "…Sorry."
X-Pac began to giggle, a giggle which Chyna's glance mysteriously turned to a pathetic cough. There was a great deal of tension swirling about like the bath water, which kind of made the Warrior Princess think that she'd never be having a bath at Road Dogg's place again; unless of course, he invited her to one of his lovely little porn and prawn nights. She grimaced. With Billy around she figured there wouldn't be many of these again, the damn girlie bastard. Speaking of girlie bastards.
"What the hell are you all doing in there?!" Billy demanded, striding into the room. Kane followed with what appeared to be a towel and a rubber duckie; Chyna gave him a look.
"Some monster."
"I'm a monster." Kane replied sheepishly.
"Aysa, are you gonna give me one of these ass massages or what?" Billy demanded, ignoring everything else around him. Aysa shrugged her muscular shoulders, Chyna shuddered, then turned to the Dogg.
"Oh yeah, I almost forgot. What's this big emergency?"
"Oh, that." Road Dogg said. He suddenly looked rather nervous. "Well Chyna, apparently Vince the Barbarian has been conquered by Ric Flair of the uncharted Lands of Nitro, and well…they're heading this way and we need you to defend the walls."
Chyna looked at him flatly. "I'm sitting in a bath with you for that?"
Road Dogg raised an eyebrow. "Well, how about some casual sex?"
"Kitty was right!" Chyna exclaimed, dunking Road Dogg's head in the water much like Aysa had previously. "Whoever would have thunk it?"
***
"Road Dogg." Chyna growled, standing outside the palace, her wet hair clinging to her face. "When you said 'defend the walls' I kind of figured you had walls to defend, you know?"
The palace defence mechanism was crumbled all around them; covered in mud, she noticed a few cow skeletons scattered through the wreckage.
"Yes, well…" Road Dogg begun. "Do you remember when I told you about Billy's invasion?"
"Oh hell." Chyna muttered, cradling her face in her palm. "So now what?"
"Well, I was kinda hoping you would…"
"Build another wall." Chyna snapped abruptly. Road Dogg nodded.
"Yeah, how'd you know?"
Chyna gave him a cold look. "How many days away is Flair?"
Road Dogg looked thoughtful. "Um…I'd say a day."
"A day?!" Chyna spat, staring at the disrepair around her. "You expect me to fix this in a day?!"
"Well…you'd have help." Road Dogg scratched his ear. "I mean, me and X-Pac would help. And Kane."
"What about Aysa?" Chyna asked suspiciously. "Isn't she one of these Nitro Troglodytes? Wouldn't she want Ric Flair to invade?"
"Come to think about it, yeah, she would!" Road Dogg scratched his chin thoughtfully at the revelation; Chyna rolled her eyes.
"I can't believe you didn't consider that possibility. Idiot." Muttering to herself, she strode forward. "I'll go and head Flair off myself. You stay here and start on the wall." She paused. "Right after I take back my fucking Henbane cookies!" At Road Dogg's disapproving glance, she curled her upper lip and stomped towards the stable. "Fine, I'm going, but I owe you a major low-blow when I get back."
***
The hinges went flying from the High Council chamber's door for about the millionth time as Chyna came thundering through the wreckage, her eyes darting about for signs of poultry, Mean Street Posses or an aging barbarian in furry underwear waving about a club with obvious phallic symbolism. Grunting, her boots crunching across the remains of the door, Chyna rested her hand lightly on her Chakram.
"Come out, come out." She muttered, looking around. "I'm in no mood for any bullshit."
A meek voice sounded from behind a couch. "Okay Princess...just don't split my skull in the blink of an eye like you've threatened before."
A familiar blond head poked out from behind the furniture, and upon spotting long blond looks Chyna felt the incredible urge to fling her Chakram, being reminded of Jericho's sniveling little features. But controlling her crazy urge, she noted it was not our Messiah, but simply Christian. However, her left eye still bugged out slightly at the sight of him.
"What are you doing there, you scabby little reptile?"
"I work here!" Christian said rather indignantly, pointing at his…pink frilly apron? Chyna gaped…it was the same apron from her vision! Fearing that at any moment he was going to scrunch up his face and whine out some infinite love, the thought of laying the smack down on his frilly ass momentarily crossed her mind.
"As what?!" She demanded.
"I'm Vince's secretary." Said Christian sheepishly. "I mean, it's not my occupation of choice, but after that Trish woman resigned and all…"
Chyna gaped again, pulling a perfect 'X-Pac and Road Dogg in utter shock' pose. "Trish? Trish who?"
"Why does that matter?" Christian pouted. Chyna clenched her jaw and grabbed Chrissy by the hair.
"Tell me!" She snarled.
"Er, um…" Christian struggled feebly. "Trish…Stratus? Strobus? Something like that. She apparently left when Vince asked if he could spank her…"
"She left so she could fucking well head me off to Egypt and save the Messiah from me!" Chyna declared, stamping her feet like an irate toddler. "If I had my way I would've ripped every hair from her head!"
"Oh my." Said Christian. "What a pity. But Chyna, tell me…why are you wanting to kill our Messiah?"
"Because." Chyna said flatly. "Our Messiah is Chris Jericho."
"That really is cruel fate." Christian sighed. "So what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be out there, you know, doing your violence thing?"
"I'd love to be doing that, but unfortunately, I've gotta stop Ric Flair from passing a non-existent wall. You. Come with me."
"But Chyna…" Christian whined. "Every time you say that something horrible happens to me!"
"Something horrible happen will alright if you don't move your ass."
***
Saying that the reconstruction of the wall was going badly would be an understatement. Kitty, who's jaw was jutting as prominently as Chyna's at this point, held her spatula with an iron fist, flicking little bits of badly mixed, muddy cement at Road Dogg and X-Pac whenever the opportunity arose, and that was often. X-Pac, grabbing at a huge hunk of runny mud from his hair for the tenth time that afternoon, narrowed his eyes so viciously at the bard he almost resembled his son Syxx on a bad day.
"What is your problem?!" He demanded, flinging the filth to the ground.
"I accidentally spilt some cement."
"That was an amazing spill!" Stone Cold commented from where he was lying drunkenly in the shade, a Steveweiser in his flailing grasp. "You sort of…just picked up a hunk of mud and threw it violently at the skinny bastard's head. Amazing!"
Kitty smiled serenely before flicking another lump at the passing Road Dogg. "Whoops, it seems to have happened again!" Road Dogg looked very un- amused as wet dirt slid lazily down his cheek and plopped onto his shirt. "You know, I'd advise you two should take a bath, but seeming Chyna's not here, you wouldn't be interested would you? Maybe a change of clothing then."
"You think you can tell me what to do, you think you can tell me what to wear?!" X-Pac shrieked, x-chopping at an amazingly fast pace. "You think you're better?!"
"Hey, that was pretty good." Said Road Dogg. "I should write that down."
Kane came lumbering into view, a huge boulder in his grip, and although it wasn't obvious, one could assume he had a very pissed off look on his face. Even Austin knew better and to keep his stupid comments to himself, and retired back to quietly pouring beer down his throat and then bashing the cans on his bald head. Flinging the enormous rock at Kitty's feet, she raised her eyebrows.
"Well, put it on the wall."
X-Pac gulped, figuring Kane would go catatonic and drive Kitty through the aforementioned wall; hoping he wouldn't because that meant mixing more mud, although half had been wasted and was currently splattered all over his weedy body. But Kane sighed, and lifting the heavy object back up, walked over to where the shabby looking walls were starting to form around the palace. Road Dogg looked half relieved and half disappointed, as a wagon came rolling into view, and a man jumped out in a very poor recreation of Julius Caesar's armor. Kitty immediately put on her nicest face.
"Yes? Can we help you?"
The man scowled. "My name is Kurt Angleus Maximus." Pulling out a parchment from his belt, he continued. "I'm here with the arrest warrant for a one 'Chyna: Warrior Princess' for attempted murder of our Messiah." He paused to scratch his nose. "The penalty is death, it's true. It's damn true."
Kitty eyed the girth of the centurion's neck, and sensed the danger. "Fancy that."
"Have you seen her?"
"Me?" Kitty giggled. "Why would Chyna want to associate with peasants like us? We're merely building a wall."
"That's the wall to a registered kingdom." Said Kurt Angleus, eyeing Road Dogg. "And you're the lord of that registered kingdom."
"So I am." Road Dogg mused. "Imagine. Still doesn't mean I have anything to do with Chyna."
"Well, I beg to differ." Kurt replied, pulling from his belt what appeared to be the Saga of Two Kingdoms, recently put into print by Miss Kitty. Kitty's winced as he unrolled the parchment to a very detailed account of everything that went down, including names, illustrations and a large image of Miss Kitty holding her quill and winking in the bonus 'about the bard' scroll. X-Pac's eyes bugged. But there was more. He also appeared to be carrying an 'Olympic Riot' scroll, a 'Epic battle with Taker in the mud pit' scroll, a 'Hunter has hemorrhoids special addition' scroll and a Chyna action figure. Kitty eyed the action figure in disdain.
"Well okay, fine, you can put all the scrolls down to me…but you can't blame me for that ugly thing!"
Kurt turned the muscular doll over in his hands. "No, this is a genuine copy of an expensive fake."
"Do I have an action figure?" X-Pac asked weakly; Kitty shot him a look, and he shut his mouth.
"Alright, so you've figured we have some attachment to Chyna." Kitty shot, her niceness quickly evaporating. "That doesn't mean we know where she is. She could be anywhere."
"That's true." Kurt didn't look overly upset. "Still doesn't mean I'm not going to arrest you all. It's true."
"What did we do?!" Kitty demanded, flinging down her spatula and amazingly still managing to hit X-Pac and Road Dogg with a double whammy of mud. Kurt looked thoughtful.
"It's quite obvious you're all against our Messiah and in this 'worshippers of HBK' cult." He thrust the 'Olympic Riot' scroll in Kitty's face. "Some of the depictions of Jericho here are simply not called for!"
"I was just going by what he said." Said Kitty meekly, pointing at X-Pac with a rigid finger.
"What did you expect, the guy got me killed!" X-Pac muttered, waving his arms about. Kane cradled his face in his palm and shook his head; it all was going so badly.
"I've had enough of this. Integrity, intensity and intelligence. That's what Jericho stands for. It's true. And what does HBK stand for?"
"Heart Break Kid?" Kitty offered.
"Free turnips, free beer and half price resurrections?" X-Pac suggested lamely.
"Whattaya mean, integrity, intensity and intelligence?!" Road Dogg snapped, pushing in front of the Little Green D-Generate. "C'mon, I was at the Olympics. The most intelligent, intense and integral thing he did when he was there was steal Mr. Ass' chariot and make a get away before I ripped his damn head off."
"Confession!" Kurt announced loudly, grabbing Road Dogg and putting him in a horrendous looking hammer lock. Jesse yelped. "You tried to kill our Messiah!"
"He killed him!" Road Dogg wheezed, gesturing towards the stunned 'Pac and struggling against the beefy centurion's hold. "He and his she-male tried to kill me!"
Kitty delicately approached the situation as she approached most situations like this; she grabbed a shovel and smacked Angleus across the back. "Knock it off, you nasty critter!" She spat, pushing a strand of dyed black hair from her face. Kurt turned and he looked rather pissed.
"Assaulting an officer!" Kurt declared, charging the bard. Kitty squealed and fled, Kurt chasing her around the barely started wall; Austin gurgled his beer in delight from where he was retreating back into the palace. Eventually grabbing a handful of her hair he wrenched her backwards, Kane hastily grabbing Kurt and pulling him off the shrieking bard. Into the wall he hurtled, powered by Kane's forearm; Road Dogg moaned in anguish.
"What a waste of an afternoon."
"And now we're gonna die!" X-Pac sobbed. Kurt struggled up from a mess of broken rocks and muddy cement, and he looked more pissed off than he did previously, if at all possible. Lunging, he grabbed X-Pac and Road Dogg's heads and clunked them together, before spinning like a bat out of hell and collecting Kane in a Denver Bronco's like tackle which sent them crashing into the ground, Kurt squealing and smacking Kane mercilessly in the head with a rather pointy rock; Kitty noted hastily that it looked like an uncomfortable thing to have to endure. Kane looked really quite helpless and really quite like the Undertaker in the mud pit after he had taken a nasty kick to his demonic balls and so Kitty bounded forward and smacked Kurt straight up the ass with her patented 'shovel low blow'. Down he went.
"Wow, you beat Angleus!" X-Pac said enthusiastically, crawling from the ground. Kitty stood proud and tall, her shovel tightly in her grip.
"Ooh." Kane groaned, swaying slightly. "That really hurt!" X-Pac pulled a sympathetic face.
"Well, there's nothing to fear anymore, my large red friend!" Kitty proclaimed heroically. A claim which lasted about ten seconds, as about ten more wagons suddenly rolled into view, all carrying very pissed looking centurions. All four sets of eyes fell on the battered Kurt lying in a mess of badly mixed cement.
"Maybe we could say he just slipped and hit his head." Kitty barely whispered.
"Maybe we could say a shovel magically leapt up and crammed itself up his ass." Road Dogg said poignantly. X-Pac's lip quibbled.
"We're still all gonna die!"
To be Continued
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