Change

He's changed. It's not for the worse or for the better. He's just changed. He's the same man that I fell in love with. He's the same Arthur, which makes it hard to put my finger on what exactly is different. He laughs at all the same jokes, teases Merlin whenever possible, but he's also more somber, more serious. I feel sometimes that he has the weight of the world on his shoulders, and he is unwilling to let anyone take even a little bit of the burden. So I try to draw his mind away from it. I try to be happier; I try to be a little bit of light in the dark that seems to be surrounding him. It's hard though.

It's hard to keep a positive attitude when I sit with King Uther day after day. He sits staring blankly ahead still unwilling to comprehend the betrayal of his daughter, Morgana. She was my only friend for such a long time; it's still hard to understand what exactly has happened to make her the way she is now. I can't imagine the pain that the man is going through, but I want to tell him to snap out of it nonetheless. He is king. Not Arthur.

I try not to be selfish. I try to be understanding, but I can't help but long for the days when Arthur and I could laugh in the comfort of my home. I still think back and think on our hidden picnics and quiet meetings in the hallways. I miss them, and I miss that Arthur. He made me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world. I was the only thing on his mind even when he was in important, confidential meetings. Now, I'm the first person that he comes to when he returns from a journey. I'm his, he's no longer fighting for me. I worry that I've become comfortable to him. We used to have adventures together; and now, he journeys on with the knights, with Merlin. I try not to be jealous, but I just want Arthur back with me. Just for a little bit.

He's leaving again. I try not to cry when I see a tear roll down his cheek as he kisses Uther atop the head. I swallow the lump in my throat at seeing him so scared. I've never seen him like this. I wonder what he plans to do, and I worry that it's something that we won't be able to come back from.

He walks over to me; he doesn't move to touch me. He has other things on his mind.

"Promise me you'll look after him when I'm gone."

I don't answer, he already knows my answer. I would do anything that he asked of me. I search his face, but he refuses to look at me. I want to reach out, to take his face in my hands, but I restrain myself. I never used to restrain myself with Arthur.

"What is it?" He doesn't answer me, "You don't have to go."

I don't know why I say it. I know that he will not listen. I never wanted to be one of these women. I never wanted to be the woman that begs her knight to skive off his duties and stay home with her. I never thought that I would be that woman but the thought of being without Arthur hurts me. He is my family now.

He finally looks at me, places a hand on my shoulder. I've seen this move before. He does this to all of his young knights when he needs them to be brave.

"I do."

I nod. I already knew what his response would be. He plays with the curls behind my back, and I touch his chest. The cold metal of the chain mail makes his less accessible to me. It's a barrier between us.

"Please, take care," I feel the need to remind him. "You are precious, not just the kingdom."

I fear that he is resigned to lay down his life to close this mystical veil. Gaius said a life for a life, but surely there must be some other way. He offers a half smile to me, his eyes linger on my lips, and I desperately want him to kiss me.

"Smile," it's not a command; I think he needs it.

He just needs to see someone smile, but I'm too stubborn to. I want him to know how devastated I am with the thought of losing him. I know that I cannot sway him. I know who I've chosen to love, and I know that I must be strong. But in this moment, I don't want to be strong. I don't feel strong at all.

"I can't."

I look away, and then I feel the warmth of his skin on mine. He pulls my chin up to meet his gaze. It's just a light touch, but I needed it. I'm scared that he'll see the tears pool in my eyes. He caresses the skin of my cheek, and I marvel in his warmth. I needed this.

"Do you remember the first time I kissed you?" I can almost a hear a smile in his voice.

I can't help my own smile at remembering. I gave him a token, it was when he was fighting in the tournament and the assassin was in Camelot to kill him. Despite all of the chaos, in the middle of my modest home, he had leaned in, and I had met him. He was so tender with me, and I had not expected that at all. I was wearing my pink tunic, and he his chain mail. The details of that kiss will be forever etched into my mind.

He smiles to match mine. It's a close-lipped smile, but it's there. I see his throat working as he attempts to keep his own tears at bay.

"There," he touches the side of my mouth, as if touching my smile will take it with him. He leans in and I throw my arms over his shoulders, as if holding him will keep him from leaving, "That's the memory I want to take with me."

I breathe in his scent. It's familiar. His hair feels the same, his skin feels the same, and our memories are the same. Arthur has changed, but the boy that I fell in love with will always be present in the man who rules now. He had to change to fulfill his destiny, and I have to change if I want to be with him.

A/N Notes:

I was just watching Merlin, and I decided to get this off my brain. What I think Guinevere was going through when she and Arthur part in Series Four, Episode One. Hope you enjoyed!