"If You Don't Start Drinkin', I'm Gonna Leave"
Rated T
Pairing: Chris X Courtney
Summary: Courtney gives Chris a life-changing ultimatum. The answer is, will he finally be able to get back on the bottle?
Disclaimer: I do not own anything associated with Total Drama, nor do I own the characters. Total Drama and its characters are owned by FreshTV, Jennifer Pertsch and Tom McGillis. Anyway, I got inspired to do this thanks to one of George Thorogood's songs, so here's a Chrisney fic inspired by that song itself. I know what I said didn't make sense, but hey, this is me after all.
Chris McLean was busy laying back in his mansion with a cigar in hand, a girlie magazine on the other, and decked out in nothing but his favorite baby blue bathrobe while "For The Love of Money" by O'Jays started playing around in his little 80's-inspired boombox. After all, this was the life of a famous reality TV show host, best known for hosting a well-known TV show called Total Drama in which 22 contestants get maimed, massacred and tortured all thanks to that selfish son-of-a-bitch that was Chris McLean himself. Of course, knowing that he took too much pleasure of torturing teenagers for a living, he best decided to take a break from it all and retreat inside his condo around a cold Wintry night in Calgary, Alberta, Canada.
He was busy resting on a beach chair inside his glass atrium where his hot tub was, obviously smoking the night away before looking right at one of the host's favorite girlie magazines, Canadi-Uns.
"Mmmmm, look at those funbags on this bimbo," Chris smirked at the centerfold inside the mag that he was looking at not too long ago, "Let me tell ya, I'd sure love to run my face through that on my dashboard whenever I crash." he smirked.
Once he was finished gawking at her, he looked to his butler/best friend Chef Hatchet with a huge smirk on his face.
"Here, you can take this and throw it in the trash." He replied.
"But ya didn't even masturbate once, Chris!" Chef replied with a sneer.
"My left hand still hurts from that little jerking session I had this noon." smirked the host.
"Only because ya wouldn't quit beatin'." Chef muttered as he went back to the house.
As Chris continued to rest it out to the sunset, a woman with medium yet attractive brown hair and dressed up in a light purple polo shirt and tight green pants came out with an angry sneer coming from her maddened little face.
It was clear who this woman was that marched inside the warm glass atrium, and from the looks of Chef Hatchet, he identified the woman as Chris's own wife, Courtney. Years after Total Drama finally came to an abrupt end, Chris had thrown an afterparty for the past, present and future contestants who had ever competed in this dreaded reality show, which had given a very hungover Chris the opportunity to hit on Courtney, who was mega drunk after seeing her own drunken ex-boyfriend Duncan dance with Heather. Of course, flirtation soon went to the bedroom and of course, the bedroom soon turned into marriage over at a drive-in chapel. It had now been only a year ever since their marriage and for some reason, there was nothing but anger flaring up Courtney's face. And she showed it very well by slamming a whiskey bottle down the table, scaring Chris from his little nap.
"Agh, what the hell, Courtney?!" shouted the host, who just awoke from his one-minute nap.
"I'm tired of putting up your sober ways, Chris!" Courtney snarled.
"Hey, whatever happened to calling me by my pet name? You know, drunky bear?" Chris smirked nervously.
"Fuck off, Chris!" she exclaimed. "Anyway, since I can't stand you when you're sober, you only have two choices: You either start drinking or else I'm leaving you and taking everything with me!"
Hearing this, Chris stood out of his chair and laid out a loud, "WHAAAAAAAT?!"
"That's right, Chris!" Courtney nodded, "If you still wanna be with me, you will drink out of this whiskey bottle and bring back that drunken slob I know and love, damn it!"
"You seriously can't be serious!" cried out the host like he was complaining.
"Well, if you don't wanna drink, that's fine with me." Courtney shrugged while turning her back and walking away. While she did, she replied with wonder, "Of course, I'll have to find some other drunken slob who would have actual balls than end up with someone who acts like a sober primadonna getting sand all over his new-found ladyparts. Now that would be-"
"WAIT A MINUTE!" Chris yelled out, forcing Courtney to stop and turn around to him while he finally got the whiskey bottle in hand.
After seconds of pondering a life without Courtney, Chris finally gave in as he said with a distressed sigh:
"I'll drink…"
"Good," nodded the former C.I.T., "And don't even think about getting your glass while you're at it. I want you to down the whole entire bottle yourself without stopping."
"That's all I gotta do to stay with you?" asked Chris.
"That's right," Courtney nodded while pointing with demand, "Now drink."
"Okay, here goes nothing…" Chris nodded while undoing the bottle cap.
Once that cap was off, the host took in one big nervous gulp, imagining what it would be like to down an entire bottle of Jack Daniels in one big sitting. There was no way he was gonna let his loving, yet bitchy wife go just like that. He knew what he needed to do in order to make her stay.
And the fate of their relationship was answered as soon as he lifted that bottle towards his mouth.
A few minutes later…
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Yelled a whiny Chris as Courtney busted down the mansion door with her own bags being carried around her fingertips. Feeling her knees tug by the host's grabby hands, Courtney looked down at the host with an angry sneer, one that sounded so unforgiving like a cold Canadian snowstorm.
"Get off of me, Chris! We're over!" she declared in a huff.
"But that wasn't fair, Courtney!" cried the host. "A pelican came in and snatched the whiskey bottle from my hands! Please, you gotta give me a chance! I love you, baby! Don't you love your drunky bear?"
"I would have if you drank in the first place, Chris!" Courtney snapped while putting her bags in the back of Chris's Maserati. Once she closed the door, she then went to the front side of the car and opened it right away,
But not before Chris stepped in front of her, obviously pleading for the last time, "But I still wanna be with ya! Is there anything I can do to stay with you? I can kiss your ass, I can kiss your feet, I can make love to you inside this Maserati of mine, what do you say?"
"I really love that, Chris." Courtney smiled, immediately having a change of heart.
"Really?" Chris gasped in relief.
"Except we actually did that stuff when you were drunk!" Courtney snapped once again, immediately fooling Chris once more thinking that Courtney was ACTUALLY gonna stay with him only to realize that he was playing him like a deck of cards.
With a bathrobe-covered Chris left to remain right on his cold-hard knees (I'm not gonna lie, they were literally standing in the cold), Courtney immediately got inside his Maserati and drove off right away, leaving the host shivering and crying in total defeat.
"C-c-c-c'mon Courtney, d-d-d-don't l-l-l-l-leave me this wa-wa-way!" Chris said, shivering from the cold.
Right out of nowhere, Chef Hatchet, his good friend, managed to approach him by putting a hand on the host's shoulder as a way to comfort him.
"I'm not gonna lie, but that was a dang good disco song back then." smirked Chef Hatchet.
"Shut up and give me my underwear already." Chris muttered angrily at Chef.
"Right away, Chris!" Chef nodded while going back to the house, leaving Chris outside in the snow just like what he was always destined to be for the rest of his life:
And that was alone.
Too bad he should've drank in the first place.
You and me both brother. Oh, why didn't Chris drink like he was supposed to?
Anyway, now that I'm finally done as promised, show your feedback button some love if you want. I know I will. Until next time, this is UltimateWarriorFan4Ever signing off.