The Twilight Twenty-Five
Prompt: #6
Pen name: AndraLee
Pairing:Emmett
Rating: T
Photos for prompts can be found here:
community[dot]livejournal[dot]com/thetwilight25/13912[dot]html
El Diablo Doesn't Wear Pantyhose
Emmett complained that no one took his intellectual abilities seriously once too often and what began as a simple bet to attend college for one semester became a fight for the respect of his family. Now, he found himself living with the wife's 'I-told-you-so" facial expressions and the snickers his brothers only bothered to conceal when Carlisle and Esme were around.
Unfortunately, Esme joined the real vegetarians and bra burners down at the whole foods co-op almost every day and Carlisle was working through a pediatric surgical residency, so Emmett found himself alone with Jasper and Edward a lot more than usual. The resulting lack of parental supervision and Rose's preoccupation with the Auburn Eight Sportster she was restoring left Emmett without a buffer. Naturally, Jasper and Edward were merciless, yet played they part of innocents when Emmett complained to Carlisle of maltreatment.
"Emmett's anger is misplaced. Rosalie has refused to attend classes with him this semester and he can't express his feelings on the matter without risking her wrath." Edward's reasoning was sufficient to almost convince Carlisle that Emmett was being overly sensitive. It took Alice's prediction that Rosalie would soon throw an especially nasty temper tantrum to persuade Carlisle that Edward's assessment was correct.
"Alice, I thought you were going to stay out of this," Emmett whined.
"I don't know why I see Rosalie roaring around like she's going to burn someone, but I thought you all should know."
"But Alice," Emmett could only focus on the effect of Alice's pronouncement on Carlisle.
"But nothing," she countered. "Rosalie could just as easily be mad at Edward and Jasper."
Emmett felt defeated. "You could have pointed that out."
"You shouldn't have made a bet with Jasper." Expecting Alice would openly take sides against her husband was foolish. "And you know Edward is devious."
Emmett resigned himself to the teasing; however when Edward and Jasper reprised their rendition of the Beverly Hillbillies theme song for the twenty-ninth time, Emmett suggested cultural awareness was not included in the curricula of the lauded educational programs they had pursued and told them as much. They responded by issuing another challenge, raising stakes that were already looking a bit steep, even to a mountain man.
Under the new terms of the bet, failure meant Emmett would be dressing up like Barbra Streisand and performing. Worse, he was going to have to tell Rose that he'd committed her to playing the part of his transvestite beau. The thought made Emmett cringe. Losing would cost Emmett his family's respect, but to win, Emmett would have to attend Berkley without his wife and learn a foreign language.
"Hey, Jethro," Jasper teased. "English doesn't count."
Emmett exploded. Fortunately, Edward grabbed Emmett before he could dislodge Jasper's head.
Stifling the impulse to kill, Emmett shook Edward off and waited for him to share the information that going to school without Rosalie was the only part of this bet that Emmett was afraid he could not handle. Edward made a face, like he'd seen their parents making out, but kept his trap shut.
And Edward kept it that way for weeks, while Emmett proceeded to break in to the Berkley admissions office, and later, wrangle himself a dorm room he would never actually use, with only a smile. In fact, Edward didn't goad Emmett unless Jasper was there to provide the right amount of peer pressure or vampire voodoo, as it was.
Edward surprisingly offered to help by adding Emmett's name to early and special registration lists. Unfortunately, Emmett didn't discover that Edward had signed him up for honors classes until he was actually sitting in class. It was a treacherous blow.
However, Jasper's arrogance and Edward's deceit only increased Emmett's determination to win. The thought of Edward and Jasper running around San Francisco pretending to be a couple was delightful. Emmett was sure their demeanor would suggest they were in serious need of couple's counseling and that would draw the attention and sympathies of every meddlesome human they encountered.
"This is my brother, Edward, and his boyfriend, Jasper," Emmett practiced saying. "Just ignore their squabbling. They always act like that." Emmett planned on repeating the phrases often, so he made up his mind to make as many human friends as he could to increase his chances of spouting the greatly anticipated lines.
Emmett immediately put his plan into motion by contacting several of the student organizations that left flyers or meeting notices in Esme's food coop and in beer and soda joints nearby. By the end of the week, the union sympathizer from Tennessee had joined the Communist Party USA student group, PFLAG and End Apartheid Now, and he was on a first name basis with the aging beatniks working at the coffeehouse around the corner.
Emmett also began to cultivate the appearance of a middle-class disaffected college student and began wearing steel-toed boots and Dickies, the working man's uniform, with t-shirts from organizations like United Mine Workers of America and United Farm Workers. His favorite shirt was a Paul Robeson screen printed tee that bore the lyrics of a Joe Hill labor song.
Meanwhile, Edward and Jasper noted Emmett's efforts, but they remained confident that the foreign language would stump Emmett. He did his best to avoid taking language classes, frustrated with the drawl that curled unlovingly around the foreign words. However, Edward and Jasper didn't know that Juan, a morose half-starved illegal-immigrant from Ensenada, was glad to get the money Emmett was paying out to provide midnight language immersion experiences.
It was one of those immersion experiences that landed Emmett in trouble with Rosalie and almost eliminated any chance Emmett had of winning. The trouble began when Rosalie decided she needed to keep a closer eye on Emmett's midnight adventures.
"Just where do you think you're going?" Rosalie snapped.
"I'm going to meet Juan when he gets off work. Then me and him are gonna hitch a ride out to a place where some guys from his hometown meet."
"You've been gone every night for the last two weeks."
"Uh-huh and I've learned enough Mexican to order a beer and a woman."
Rosalie did not think Emmett was funny and she didn't like the descriptions of Emmett and Juan's adventures. Before Emmett could figure out what Rosalie was doing, she was dressed and perched in the doorway. There wasn't any way to get around her, short of digging down into the apartment below, so Emmett resigned himself to letting Rosalie drive.
"There's the taco stand where Juan works. Pull over here."
Juan was waiting. "El diablo," he called out as he leaped into the back of Rosalie's Mustang convertible. "Where'd you get the woman?"
"You let him call you the devil?" Rose punched Emmett - hard enough to make the car rock.
"He said diablo meant brother," Emmett looked over his shoulder and glared at the man wearing three crucifixes and reeking of garlic.
Juan shrugged. "To me, diablo is my brother."
"Well, this is Elvira," Emmett grinned as Rosalie pulled into traffic, cutting off a bus and a pick-up. "She bites."
"Mind if I smoke?" Juan asked Rosalie. She was clearly in charge.
"Mind jumping out here?" Rosalie replied. It was not a question nor an option.
Rosalie didn't slow down until she got to Fresno an hour later. Emmett couldn't be sure exactly how fast Rose was driving; the Mustang's odometer didn't show anything over a hundred and twenty-five. Naturally, the speed didn't bother Emmett, but Juan seemed a tad shaky as he crawled out of the back seat at the service station. Juan walked around the car twice like he was checking the tires before asking for a key to the men's room.
"Put the top up, baby, and go see what's taking your friend so long," Rosalie directed Emmett. "I'll let him sit in the front." Rosalie didn't like to wait.
Emmett tested the men's room door. He could hear Juan retching. "Hey amigo, you better get that all out before you get in Rose's car. She doesn't like body fluids. At least, not that kind."
Juan inched open the door. "Diablo, I thought we was friends."
"Yeah, and I thought you were calling me brother." Emmett was only a little disappointed that Juan had lied about the meaning of the word.
"No offense intended." By now, Juan had opened the door a paltry three inches and braced the door with his leg as if that might keep Emmett out.
"Only some taken," Emmett said, leaning into the door and pushing it fully open.
"You gonna let that bitch kill me?" Juan asked straight up.
"Now why would I do that? You and me are buds, but if you call my wife a bitch again you'll be walking home. Comprenda?" Besides, dozens of humans had gotten a good look at Emmett over the last few weeks. If Rosalie killed the man, there were bound to be questions that would result in Emmett's having to go into hiding and that would automatically mean losing the bet.
"That's your wife? Oh man, I'm sorry! I meant no disrespect." Juan's right eye was twitching uncontrollably. Emmett hoped the human wouldn't defecate.
Rose was in a better mood when Emmett and Juan returned to the car. "Drink this," she said handing Juan a Coca Cola as he slid into the front seat.
"Gracious," Juan whispered as Rose launched into her tirade.
Emmett had learned enough Spanish from attending a cockfight with Juan to know that Rosalie had an excellent command of colorful Spanish words and phrases. He could also tell that Juan was suitably impressed, which meant that Juan now truly believed that he had indeed sold his soul to the devil.
When Rosalie dropped Juan off at the taco stand, she spoke in English. "Remember, I can smell you a mile away, even if you're in the Bay, so don't make me come after you." Rosalie was shaking her finger in Juan's face. "Be here tomorrow. Until Emmett decides he doesn't want to go to school anymore, you're going to be his best friend. He's not your bodyguard or an enforcer, and you are going to make sure he learns Spanish. "
On the way home, Rosalie pulled over in front of an after-hours club. Emmett followed Rosalie inside. The bar was almost empty. One couple was making out at corner table, while another danced to a slow country song.
"You kids lost?" came the query in a baritone voice that didn't match the fuchsia lipstick its owner wore.
"I'm looking for my brother," Rosalie said, pulling a picture of Jasper out of her wallet. "His boyfriend isn't out and he's afraid Jasper's getting ready to dump him for someone else."
"Cute, but he hasn't been in here." The bartender seemed indifferent. "We ask for ID. He doesn't look old enough to get into most places around here."
"Oh, he's old enough alright."
"If I see him, I'll ..."
Rosalie flashed a ten dollar bill. "Tell him that his sister and her husband are worried about him."
"What was that about?" Emmett asked when Rosalie and Emmett were alone again.
"Just making sure no one would mistake me for a transvestite." Rosalie tapped her long nails on the steering wheel. "Now, shouldn't you be practicing your Spanish?"
"No need to be fluent in any but the language of love," Emmett quipped.
A/N: This story grew from a drabble that I wrote in the margins of a magazine. The prompt photo was dominated by bookshelves and books and they made me think about education. Emmett was the last Cullen I should have chosen to associate with books. He's more like Jethro, I thought at the time, and the drabble, from which this one-shot emerged, was born. This is the original bit of writing.
Emmett complained that no one took his intellectual abilities seriously and what began as a simple bet to attend college became a fight for respect. Now, he found himself living with the wife's 'I-told-you-so" facial expressions and the annoying snickers his brothers only concealed if Carlisle and Esme were home. Unfortunately, they were gone a lot and Rose was preoccupied with an old car, which left Emmett without a buffer. When his brohers reprised their rendition of the Beverly Hillbillies theme for the twenty-ninth time, they bet he wouldn't take a foreign language. "Hey, Jethro," Jasper teased. "English doesn't count."