Future Ted: Kids, when Uncle Barney and Aunt Robin got married, I thought that my love life was officially over. Which is why I decided to move to Chicago and focus on my career. Even as I was sitting at the reception, watching the happy couple dance (flash to Barney and Robin waltzing to their wedding song), all I could feel was a bleak and lonely life waiting for me. Thank God I met your mother right afterwards (flash to Ted watching Tracy play the bass, and then to her arriving at Farhampton station with the yellow umbrella). Because without this lovely woman, I would have never made it to where I am today. But first let's see what happened the day after the wedding, shall we?
THE DAY AFTER THE WEDDING
(Marshall and Lily are sitting on the couch in their apartment, amid packed boxes and luggage. Arms around one another, with nostalgic expressions.)
Lily: I cannot believe the gang is drifting apart.
Marshall: Yeah, Barney and Robin are in Belize, honeymooning for God knows how long, Ted is already in Chicago, and in two days we will be flying to Rome.
Lily (beginning to cry) : Marshall, I'm scared.
Marshall: Me too.
(The couple sit in sad silence for about half a minute. The doorbell rings. When Lily and Marshall open the door, they stand stunned. Because standing in front of them is Ted, a brilliant beam on his face).
OPENING CREDITS
(All three are seated inside the apartment.)
Marshall: What the HELL are you doing here!?
Ted (excitedly) : You won't believe it, I met this girl at the station yesterday -
Lily: Youuuuu sonofabeech!
Marshall: Ted, are you CRAZY? No, I'm serious. Haven't you done this thing enough? Aren't you tired of it? You always start big, move fast, and when it ends, you get hurt double. Haven't you learn't anything else at all the past eight years?
Lily: Yeah, who IS this person?
Ted: You know the bass player?
Lily (initially delighted) :Oooh, she's great! (Now seriously) But Ted, is she really worth giving up a whole new life?
Ted: Lily, this girl is sweet, funny, plays the bass, and guess what? The yellow umbrella is hers!
Marshall and Lily: What yellow umbrella?
Ted (stumped) : The yellow umbrella I've been carrying out all my life!
Lily (shrugs) : I have no clue what you're talking about.
Marshall: Yeah, Ted, you know we never notice these things. That's because we're too busy having SEX. (High-fives Lily).
Ted: Anyway, I'm sure this girl is my destiny. Which is why I'm gonna call her and ask her on a date. (Takes out his phone).
Marshall and Lily (horrified) : NOOOOOOOO!
Marshall: Ted, you can't. The three day rule, Ted, the three day rule!
Lily: If you call her now, she'll just think you're needy and desperate. Which you ARE!
Ted: Too late, I already dialled her number!
(Lily and Marshall both pounce on him, trying to grab his phone.)
Ted: BACK OFFFFFFFFFF! (Marshall and Lily are shocked into silence) Seriously, what is WRONG with you people? Have I EVER interfered in any decision you two make?
Lily: Ummmmmmm.
OCTOBER 2012
(In the apartment.)
Lily (to Marshall): Baby, I would LOVE to go out for dinner with just you, but we need to find a really reliable baby-sitter for Marvin.
Ted: Me! Me! Me! Me!
Lily: NO. We do NOT want you to do another round of firsts with Marvin. You already took him to see Santa.
Marshall: Yeah! Lilypad, what about that girl upstairs? She's going to start college, really responsible, and seems nice.
Lily: Annie? Ooooh, she's great! I'll ask her right now! (picks up phone, when Ted tackles her.)
Ted: NOOOOO! I finished college, really responsible, and am really nice. I am the right choice for Marvin. You should not hire some girl you don't even know!
Marshall: BACK OFFFFFFFFFF! Ted, we're Marvin's parents! We know best!
Ted (ominously) : Oh, really? All right. But Marshall Eriksen, you'll regret this.
PRESENT
Ted: Okay... Maybe I was a bit overbearing... But that's only because I was worried about you guys! Even when that baby-sitter decision blew up in your face, did I stick my nose? No. I was simply the supportive friend I always am.
Marshall: Ummmmmmm.
OCTOBER 2012
Lily (looking at the TV screen) : Oh my God, I can't believe that Annie is a convicted kidnapper!
Marshall: Yeah, thank Heavens we cancelled out in the last minute.
Ted: I told you so!I told you so!I told you so!I told you so! (jumps up and down).
PRESENT
Lily: Okay, Ted, we'll let you be. We'll let you call this bass player. If this works out, (smiles affectionately) nobody will be happier than us. But if it does bomb, (becomes threatening) we will not be beneath -
(Lily shares a look with Marshall. She and Marshall start jumping up and down.)
Together: I told you so! I told you so! I told you so! I told you so!
Future Ted: Meanwhile, Robin and Barney were on their honeymoon in Belize. After an adventurous morning of para sailing, jet skiing and snorkeling, they decided to rest on the warm shores of Honey Camp Lagoon.
Barney: That was legendary. I TOLD you I'm a pro at water sports.
Robin: Is that why you kept screaming, "Sweet Lord, saviour of my life, forgive me for my sins!"?
Barney: Ugh, this beach is so HOT!
Robin: You're wearing a SUIT. In a BEACH. Why can't you wear swim shorts like everybody else?
Barney: Robin, Robin. You know I'm not anybody else. Barney's ALWAYS suited up. Unless he's having hot, hot sex. What up! (High-fives Robin).
Robin: Speaking of hot, hot sex, do you realize we haven't had any since our moment as man and wife?
Barney (gasps loudly) :You're right! NOOOOO, marriage, what have you done to Barney?
Robin: Relax. All the more reason to make TODAY memorable. Our first marriage-sex will be something legendary.
Barney: I LOVE it when you say legendary! All right, we will have sex right now. First marriage-sex on a beach!
Robin: Legendary!
(They begin to kiss, but Robin stops mid-way).
Robin: Uh, Barney.
Barney: Mmmm. What. (Leans to kiss her, but Robin stops him.)
Robin: Remember we had sex in Farhampton Beach?
Barney (recollecting) : Oh right! Damn it, now having first marriage sex on a beach doesn't seem that legendary now.
Robin: Yeah... (silence) so what? We can find other ways to make it legendary!
Barney: Challenge... Accepted!
Future Ted: And so they went around their mission to make it legendary. But no matter what they tried -
IN A BOAT:
(They begin to kiss, but Barney stops mid-way).
Barney: Remember our boating trip around Manhattan?
Robin: Damn it!
ON A CLIFF:
(They begin to kiss, but Robin stops mid-way).
Robin: Remember that cliff in Ocala?
Barney: Damn it!
IN A LIGHTHOUSE:
(They begin to kiss, but Barney stops mid-way).
Barney: Remember Farhampton Lighthouse?
Robin: Damn it! (silence) Can you believe it? We've been married for just a day, and we can already do nothing new with our sex lives!
Barney: I'm HUNGRY! (Begins to cry).
TWO DAYS LATER
(New York, at MacLarens. Marshall, Lily, Robin and Barney are seated in their usual table. Barney's hair is in cornrows.)
Lily: I'm so glad we can be together for one last time before we leave...
Marshall: Yeah, it's great you two bailed on your honeymoon for us.
Robin (shrugs) : We can always go back to our honeymoon. But you guys... it will be a whole year before we see you!
Barney:And Lily's boobs. Do you EVER think about me? A whole year of pregnant boobies, and somewhere like, like, VIENNA -
Robin: Rome.
Barney: Yeah, yeah, whatever. But remember, you owe me.
Marshall: We'll send you pictures. Ow! There's no need to kick me, Lily. Ow! There's no need to kick me, Robin.
(Enter Ted.)
Marshall: Hey, look who's there!
(Robin and Barney get up and hug Ted.)
Lily: How did your first date go!?
Ted: Fantastic! You won't believe it -
Robin (interrupting): I'm going to get the next round. Ted, coming with me?
Ted: Yeah, sure.
(At the counter.)
Robin: So mister, what is this all about, you quitting your job over a girl?
Ted: Robin, this girl is fantastic. We have so many things in common. Do you know she is the actual owner of the yellow umbrella?
Robin: What yellow umbrella?
Ted: Why does nobody remember the yellow umbrella?
Robin: Anyway, that's beside the problem. Ted, you always rush into these things. Remember our first date? (puts on a dopey voice, imitating Ted.) "I think I'm in love with you."
Ted: Robin, I think I've matured a lot since that.
Robin: Oh yeah, what did you do today?
Ted: Uh, for starters, we had our first kiss -
Robin (swats his head) This is the exact thing I'm worried about, Ted! I see you get hurt too many times that -
Ted: Robin, will you relax? Will you hear out the whole thing?
2 HOURS AGO
(Outside Tracy's apartment, after their date.)
Tracy: Goodnight... (She kisses Ted.) Unless... you want to walk around some more? It's still early.
Ted: Sure. (But doesn't move.)
Tracy: What are you doing?
Ted: Remembering this.
Tracy (offers her hand) Come on.
(They start walking and eventually reach a small park, which is virtually deserted.)
Ted: This is really great. You're the first person I've had this much fun with in days.
Tracy: Ted, I really like you.
Ted: Me too. I mean, I don't mean I like ME, I mean to say I like YOU, I mean, well, you know what I mean.
Tracy (laughs) : I think I do. What I meant to ask is, was it weird I kissed you on our first date?
Ted: Nope. Not at all. Believe me, I've done worse on first dates. And your kiss (holds her hands), it felt to me the most real thing I've ever experienced.
(They kiss again)
Tracy: I'd really like to go on another date with you. You know, to just... let things go as they have to go.
Ted: To not force things to happen... before they need to happen.
Tracy: To work things out where they should be worked out...
Ted: And to leave the rest to the universe.
(Silence.)
Tracy and Ted (same time):Profound! (They high-five.)
(And they continue to enjoy their little night-time stroll.)
Ted: ... so we are taking things forward, and we are giving it our best shot. She may, or may not be the one. But I don't care for the future right now. Because right now, I'm just going to enjoy the moments with her.
Robin: Wow. (Hugs Ted) Ted Mosby, I really do hope you have wonderful moments with her.
(They return to the table, where Marshall, Lily and Barney are sitting.)
Lily: So... did you finally find someplace legendary for your first marriage-sex?
Marshall: Do you girls have no boundaries?
Barney (shrugs) : We got hungry, so we gave up trying and went back to our hotel for dinner...
Robin (shoveling down food) : You know, this is actually fun. I never realized talking over dinner could be this fun.
Barney: Yeah, we haven't had a peaceful, just-food dinner, since forever.
(They stare at each other, and then high-five.)
Robin: So, what do you think the others are doing?
Barney: Hmm. Lily and Marshall will be crying about moving to Italy. Ted will be in Chicago, trying to find his "one". (makes sarcastic air quotes.)
Robin: Nah, I don't think so. I think he would have met somebody at the wedding, and would have done some big, romantic gesture for her already.
Barney: Wrong. He would still be finding.
Robin: Wrong. He would have found.
Barney: What bet? (narrows eyes sinisterly).
Ted (at the bar) : Why does EVERYBODY bet on my love life?
Robin: Hmm. If you're right, I would be willing... to wear my hair in a mohawk for one whole year.
Barney: And if YOU'RE right, I would be willing to wear my hair in cornrows for one whole year.
Robin and Barney (together) : A gentleman's agreement! (Shake hands).
Ted: Again. Why does everybody bet on my love life?
Lily: So you two did not have SEX on your honeymoon? (looks horrified.)
Barney: Oh please!
Robin: We were really tired. So we went back to our bedroom and just had non-kinky sex. And it was...
Barney: Sex-endary.
Marshall: I can't believe I'd say this, but (sobs) that made me cry.
Future Ted: Marshall was right. While none of actually cried, we were left... inspired. When I looked at Robin that day, I did not see a girl I once loved and lost, but a symbol for a new love. New moments. And more importantly, a beautiful preface for new beginnings.